Uninspired post

Well, post number 296 about trying to do stuff.

I did stuff. 😦 I changed GP to a homeopathic one.  All worked out rude because GP3 had already send a file request to GP2 and I did not know that. Not elegant at all. 😦 So much for taking care of me myself and I. :-/

GP3 said I should lose weight if I wanted to lessen the amount of oestrogen in my body. My breasts are swollen because of it. Luxury problem, I know, I know. 😉 Lost 3 kg, then gained a kilo in 3 days. Did not eat that much, used to eat waaaaay more. Guess I’m not flushing it out anymore.

Finished Nakken, tried reading a new book but it is all too 12 steppy for me. Too much association with the strict religious threats my father made. Can’t read 1 sentence without feeling suffocated. My father was addicted to fantasising about the end of times. He would lecture us about it, on and on and on and on. Everybody would be saved, but only if we did what he said. Not me because I was a whore, so he decided. Getting tired of all the old pain shit. Should be doing stuff. The good thing of not drinking is that things are actually leaving my system. When I cry it helps to cry while before it felt like I was only adding onto the pile of shit.

Gonna do my online anti-alcohol training. It is getting a little boring. Same pictures, same buttons and they don’t mention if I ‘m doing better or worse. I asked them if I can get a view of my scores but they have not yet replied.

Sooo, nothing nice to write? Well, today’s weather is my favorite. (So why am I here inside?)

And I am moderately happy that I quit. Still happy, but it is not very special anymore. Is that a trap? Doesn’t feel like it but I notice I do get susceptible to feeling bad if I’m not happy. Hahahaaa! And I have only just worked that out. Hmmmm.

Trying a day outside the house

Off to get organised for a full day of human contact outside the house, first to my therapist and afterwards to my brother and sister in law. Sleeping there. Why am I not looking forward to this? Because I haven’t found my feet yet. Afraid that people (specifically these people) start forcing their well meant care on me. Not listening, just forcefully advising and panicking, finally resulting in irritation because I’m trying to keep their forcefullness out and am not really picking up on their; ‘When I feel bad I go to bed early’. Blablablablabla. No you don’t! I know you, when you feel bad you drink, internet, go to bed late and don’t come out untill noon. And you my brother with your game addiction, you game, till deep in the night. The only moment you do not game is when you work. You have even made your kids accomplishes in these 16 plus games when they were 8 years old so every conversations you have is about gaming. And you fucker, part of the shit I am in is caused by you and your nasty little friends.

Hear hear the addict speaking to the addicts. Guess I need to wind down to make this a nice visit. Funny family structure now I come to think of it. Because all of us are going to try not to say or know any of this. Feels like home! 😀

Now there is a big trap in this meeting. Normally if I come back from these I drink myself senseless for 2 nights at least. Why was I thinking it is a good idea to see them?

I am still (still?) happy I quit. Breathe, relax and drink water.

Things I want to change

Nakken’s book has gone over to the part on recovery and I still don’t understand it. Have difficulty reading and understanding. Feel blocked. Anxiety. Notice that I’ve come to the parts where I am not proud of who I am, what I did, how I ‘work’. Feeling out of place, stranger to the people in this world. AND DON’T GIVE ME THAT ADDICT SHIT because I have felt like that all my life!!!!!! (sorry, again)

Sooooo. I guess I insist on being weird. :-/ I thought I am weird but never thought I had made it into a shield. It is a shield. Hence the question: what is there to gain from living the thought that I am weird? It magically explains away the fact that I have difficulty connecting or any other underdeveloped, hurtful or impractical character issues. It reduces others to being normal which makes them stupid because ‘normal is not good enough’. And of course that makes me more special again. Being special makes me untouchable. And…… back to the not connecting.

I do feel I am different because I have this sensitivity that is ‘not normal’, it is especially developed around diseases and finding cures for funny things. Not sure if it is HSP, don’t know, just want to know how to deal with it.

Trying to feel into the thought of me being normal, not weird. Whoops. If I am normal I am very inadequately normal. Loads of undeveloped area’s. Power issues, connecting issues. Rather unfinished. Loud. Before I quit I wrote down a list of things I want to change about myself.

– Big on number one: power issues, speak and act without being forceful. Not taking notice of myself in a conversation, not checking back how the other (might) react(s), overruling people, not always knowing stuff better, not always trying to ‘teach’ people. And the endless need to digress, to build smokescreens while digressing. Soooo irritating yet it comes soooo natural to me :-D. Which sentence is exhibit 278…. Part of this is also that I feel that my heart is not functioning as an organ, but neither as a spiritual heart, or as a chakra. It is, was, hard, no flexibility, no movement, no air, no room for living.

– Being critical, seeing every mistake, almost compulsively pointing out every mistake, might be a power thing too.

– Always being afraid that ‘everything’ will go wrong. The world is always burning in my perception.

– Magically develop vague illnesses to sidetrack me or avoid experiences.

– Grief as my biggest addiction.

– Having no trust, no hope.

– Continuously seeing traps, bears on the road.

– Fear of administration, fear of dealing with money issues.

Actually, only the seeing traps everywhere is functional in this process. Some people might want to add ‘insecurity’ to the list but I don’t feel insecure, I am actually very sure that I am very incompetent in a lot of areas. Hmmm, this reeks of denial. I guess the feeling shitty after calling me incompetent is insecurity. So insecurity is forbidden territory. Aaah, hint from the past: ‘insecurity is dangerous, the alpha guy feeds on it and will hurt me.’

I’ve had it for today. Still very happy that I quit drinking. Think I am doing very well. I’m finally coming to the point where I want to see people again. I guess that is GOOD. 🙂 Hope I don’t screw it up again, still haven’t found my feet, which is good too, but uneasy.

Constant vigilance

Day 10

Visited the new GP, weird conversation. I was trying not to ‘make in impression’ and use ‘power tools’ to make a statement, try to keep a check on the ego. Well, that didn’t work and apart from that: I couldn’t even finish a sentence. It does confirm to me that one needs at least a little bit of ego to come across or walk about in the world. Or maybe I set myself and her up to fail because I’m secretly (?) pissed of with her. Bull, I couldn’t finish a sentence because I was too chicken and too confused to say what I think because since I have been labelled ‘addict’ I think people doubt everything I say.

She doubts if I am on the right track because I do this on my own without a certified addict specialist. I’m now struggling why I find her doubt so hurtful. And than there’s that ego thing that if she hurts me I should get even, or at least prove she was absolutely wrong. Ha, let’s call it what it is, I’m not struggling, I am pretty pissed off because I find it fucking irritating that somebody doubts me!!! (I statements only… ;-)) And…. I do think it is important to work out the whole why of it.

First, I am not irritated, it started of with confused, moved to scared and only after that I got to pissed off and defensive. She could have said ‘congratulations on stopping’. I would have liked that (powerthingy language game, call her not nice without saying that? Trap, trap). But her whole attitude felt like she thinks I am destined to walk the wrong walk. (assumption trap). And with that doubt and her continuous ‘it is not getting sober, it is staying sober’ speak the road to drinking is textually opened up again. That irritates me because it is an image that I do not want at a place where I did not expect it.

Ha, got it!!! These doubts opened up possibilities that I took in without checking and the made me think drink. I should practice:

                                   

Let doubt not enter my system; keep it out with the same determination as drink think. The road to Booze is closed. Not closed until October, or closed till the new safety rails have been put in place. It is CLOSED. This is where that rule of laws of attraction works; I should not think ‘I should not drink’ because it keeps my focus attached to ‘drink’. Instead of that I think ‘I am free’.

                   I AM FREE AND HAPPY!!! (and crying)

Jason Vale says; be happy that you stopped. It could be considered a stupid mindfuck and it is, it is a brainwash technique. But if there’s brainwashing to be done I prefer this one over ‘oooh, have pitty on me because I stopped.’ or ‘drink because it makes you look cool’. Funny thing is, when I brainwash myself to happiness, I immediately don’t care anymore what the GP said. Isn’t that strange.

So, today I stumbled over my power thing, tried to reinforce the power thing in a blog, wrote 20 pages in which I was right and got righter by the minute, the GP was evil (sorry 😦 ), then deleted 19 and did some ‘ahaa Erlebnissy thing’ in the final page and tarted it up with a gif and realised:

       The only thing I can do is filter what comes in.

Sounds very familiar….

Bought a new juicer, feel shit

Day 8

Bought a new juicer as a ‘little’ present for me being sober. Since the old, old Braun that I bought 20 years ago for 2,50 ‘Euro’ has helped me so well through the first days of sobriety but it wastes quite some juice.

Tried the Philips it this morning. It is shit. It does give more juice but the juice is all dusty. And now I feel like shit. I’ve noticed in my life that I don’t deal with stuff, I don’t ‘repair’ after shit has happened. I just drink, have done for more than halve of my life. So repairing is important in order to not drink.

Why do I carry over the rotten feeling to me. Must have to do with dealing with disappointment. I feel like my nephew who, when 4 years old, cried because there was a worm in his apple. He took it personal. I think that is what I was doing. So much to learn in the sober world.

Or maybe I should get a life. Like right now. Like, instantly! :-/

Feeling my body come to life!

Day 5

Feeling my body come to life! Not sure how the correct frase is in English but the water that I was retaining (?) is getting out of my body. Wow, this feels so great! I can twist my neck and look behind me again. My fingers move easily and bending over is no problem anymore (apart for the belly). Yeah! It’s funny that I can be so high on an achievement that actually consists of NOT doing something.

I will certainly continue my 1,5 pint of morning vegetable drink juiced from cellery, apple, lemon, ginger, cucumber and carrots. And not drink alcohol of course. That works out to be a very good plan.

Starting a new book as well: ‘The addictive personality, understanding the addictive process and compulsive behavior.’

Jason Vale tought me how alcohol works. What I learned is that the process of getting hooked did NOT happen after we made the bad decision to start drinking more that our GP’s. It happens in our society that advertises alcohol in all of its communications. It happens by getting young people to like alcohol by feeding them sweet mix drinks. And third and most important of all: alcohol is so addictive that we step in the trap with the first drink we like. That’s when it closes on us and only very smart thinking and lack of possibility and lack of reason will keep people away from it.

As Jason Vale points out; people that say ‘I only eat bananas in the weekend and try not to eat them during the week. So I do not have a banana problem’ already have a banana problem. That is about 80% of the population.

Well, that was all about the booze. Good book. And it has got me preaching sobriety within 5 days! Yeah! Preaching = trap! It is not about the other. It is about me.

So now I will try to look into my side of the addiction and I hope to do that with a book that hopefully helps me to understand the how and why of having an addictive personality. Did anybody (of the 3 readers I currently have  who help me greatly by reading and commenting on this blog, read this book? 🙂 Addition: having people objectifies them, objectiving people is part of addiction behaviour. In the works of Willow to Spike: ‘There will be no having of any kind!’