This feeling of ‘pffffff….’

Still not feeling 100%, guessing it comes from the giving blood at the GP or from kicking of the sugar. I was pretty clean but pretty clean did not work out to be enough and today I am experiencing cravings. Sugar cravings mainly but there are these thoughts that say that a beer would be a good solution too. So quitting sugar for 100% is actually effecting my alcohol cravings. Exactly what the book said. But I am not happy about it.

And now I have this feeling of ‘pffffff…. bored now…..’ that tells me the solutions should come from the outside. Did sleep this afternoon, calmed me down a little.

I should take better care of eating enough and regularly. Still not doing that properly. Why not? I’m a bit tired of my own moaning and sternness. Trap. I still have difficulty thinking so I might as well eat something and be of to bed.

I should have set the egg timer every 15 minutes, I would have noticed earlier that I had not eaten enough. I did eat but it was raw red cabbage with carrots, apple, fresh ginger and a yoghurt dressing. Very good! But it probably takes more calories than it brings…

That’s the bad thing with low sugar, it also affects the brain and it makes me careless. Grrrrrr… I don’t want this. Moaning now. And there is the desperate feeling. Hello! If only all of my life I would have known this. Want to win a war? Cut down the sugar supply to the country and you are done. Did you know that the country that I live in has its own heavily subsidised sugar production? It is by no means commercial but it is considered to be of strategic importance.

Happy that I quit. A bit surprised that I come to my first real craving at, what is it, 6 weeks or so. Lucky that they are about sugar. Happy that I know how it works. Irritated that I know but don’t act upon it. Need to stock up tomorrow as well because we will do a 50km bike tour. Which is good!!! Not proud, didn’t do The Plan, started it but went to sleep.

Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor Maté on YouTube. Nice 🙂

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

Day after normal day 3

Went to bed at 1:something last night. I just can’t wind down when I’m socialising till late, can’t sleep. Or, maybe I have the feeling I can’t sleep, never tried to go to sleep, would always drink till I could sleep. This ‘frenzy’ in my head is something that I, at the moment see as the biggest danger for me for relapse. Don’t know where it comes from. Breathing deeply changes it to normal tiredness. Which could mean it is some sort of lack of oxigen or surplus in carbondioxide. Or that breathing deeply is a relaxation technique that helps me focus on the here and now. Let’s find out.

Did my online free anti-alchol training. Have done it 8 or 10 times by now. It’s a little boring. They keep on showing the same photo’s of alcoholic and softdrinks and I need to push the right button. But then again, drinking every night again, and again, and again is not really exciting either. Might as well put some time in it since they promise wonderful results. And indeed, after the umpteenth photo of a glas of beer I get this dunno, bored feeling. They say the technique desensitizes. I guess that is a fancy word for ‘boredom’.

I’ve got one of these hickups again, something is out there waiting for me to understand and learn to manage and I’m going ‘Nooooooooooo!!!!’ What is it? I think it is organisation of the daily tasks. Yesterday and the day before I realised how rewarding it was to eat and sleep at the right (pre-set) times. And now I feel like it has been soooo exhausting, ‘I really do need a reward’. I want to sleep. Apart from that I do need to sleep because my head is spinning, I do need to realise that this simple level of organisation is a very important step if I want to deal with the hypoglemic part of the food and alcohol cravings. Pfffffffff… IdontwanttogothereiwanttosleepIdontwantittobedifficult. IwanttobeabletodowhatIdid whenIwas19butbetternowandwithoutthedrinkingandIdontwantittobedifficult.

Aaah, I do not believe I can organise my life, that is half of the energy. Going to sleep now.

And woke up 3 hours later. Got some extra flyers out in the neighbourhood for the kitten. Still tired. Must be starting to hybernate already. To bed early.

Happy that I quit. A little too tired to be proud.

28 Days and A Plan

28 Days today. Going to celebrate that with watching the movie 28 Days tonight. In this movie Sandra Bullock is a loose post-teen woman with a serious alcohol problem. She gets caught for drunk driving and has to go to rehab. She is very apprehensive but along the line you will see her change.

The first time I watched it must be 10 years ago, I had no idea what it the movie was about, just watched it but it did get me thinking. The whole movie is generally good fun but specifically the end stayed with me. I guess it set me on the path of selecting and letting go friends and acquaintances that I knew would get me in trouble if I would ever stop. It might have also showed me that drinking in public is not elegant.

When I look back it is actually strange that I drank for so long. Drinking stopped being ‘fun’ after I studied. By the age I was about 25 it already had a quality of something I needed to lift myself from below zero to zero. Well, that would exactly be addiction; not being able to stop.

And today? Hmmm, let me try to make a plan for the day.

– I’ll start of reading Seven weeks to sobriety.

– Then when I get cold I’ll shower and eat.

– Make a Bach remedy cocktail focussed on getting stuff done and moving away from the feeling that I am ‘still ill’ and ‘need to be carefull’.

– Get my vitamins in, have been neglecting that.

– Call girlfriends, make appointments for the week.

– Clean the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom.

– Do food shopping.

– Clean the communal garden and try to see if the cat dares to come out of the house when I’m out.

Those are 2 things too many. Ditch the communal garden.

– Add: planning a date to make the plan to present the GP.

– Add: enjoy what you are doing and relax.

I’ve gone all tense now when thinking of A Plan. Don’t want to be accountable (yet?) or ‘just’? Ha! I’m really getting stuck internally here. Hmmm. No wonder I never get stuff done. I go into panic mode only by thinking of a plan. Even a day plan. I have had this all my adult life as I remember but normally I would drink the uneasiness away and wait for deadlines to come closer so the stress of the deadline would outdo the stress of the plan.

Deadline surfer I am. Let’s look that up on the internet. Aaah, internet has the ‘attack it with your will and brainpower approach.’ That has not worked for me ever. I guess I’ll just have to ponder on what is keeping me. Perfect therapy subject. Guess what?!! I have that book from Covey, it says ‘Priorities’ on the back. Never read it. Might be good to get an inkling of what it takes to prioritize. Oooh, feeling some resistance here. 😀 Breathe, breathe…

Happy that I quit but not proud anymore because I’m getting to the part now where things start to matter and I feel I can’t deliver. Happy that I have given myself the opportunity to come to this stage and see where the barriers and traps are. Let’s see how this develops.

Uninspired post

Well, post number 296 about trying to do stuff.

I did stuff. 😦 I changed GP to a homeopathic one.  All worked out rude because GP3 had already send a file request to GP2 and I did not know that. Not elegant at all. 😦 So much for taking care of me myself and I. :-/

GP3 said I should lose weight if I wanted to lessen the amount of oestrogen in my body. My breasts are swollen because of it. Luxury problem, I know, I know. 😉 Lost 3 kg, then gained a kilo in 3 days. Did not eat that much, used to eat waaaaay more. Guess I’m not flushing it out anymore.

Finished Nakken, tried reading a new book but it is all too 12 steppy for me. Too much association with the strict religious threats my father made. Can’t read 1 sentence without feeling suffocated. My father was addicted to fantasising about the end of times. He would lecture us about it, on and on and on and on. Everybody would be saved, but only if we did what he said. Not me because I was a whore, so he decided. Getting tired of all the old pain shit. Should be doing stuff. The good thing of not drinking is that things are actually leaving my system. When I cry it helps to cry while before it felt like I was only adding onto the pile of shit.

Gonna do my online anti-alcohol training. It is getting a little boring. Same pictures, same buttons and they don’t mention if I ‘m doing better or worse. I asked them if I can get a view of my scores but they have not yet replied.

Sooo, nothing nice to write? Well, today’s weather is my favorite. (So why am I here inside?)

And I am moderately happy that I quit. Still happy, but it is not very special anymore. Is that a trap? Doesn’t feel like it but I notice I do get susceptible to feeling bad if I’m not happy. Hahahaaa! And I have only just worked that out. Hmmmm.

Trying a day outside the house

Off to get organised for a full day of human contact outside the house, first to my therapist and afterwards to my brother and sister in law. Sleeping there. Why am I not looking forward to this? Because I haven’t found my feet yet. Afraid that people (specifically these people) start forcing their well meant care on me. Not listening, just forcefully advising and panicking, finally resulting in irritation because I’m trying to keep their forcefullness out and am not really picking up on their; ‘When I feel bad I go to bed early’. Blablablablabla. No you don’t! I know you, when you feel bad you drink, internet, go to bed late and don’t come out untill noon. And you my brother with your game addiction, you game, till deep in the night. The only moment you do not game is when you work. You have even made your kids accomplishes in these 16 plus games when they were 8 years old so every conversations you have is about gaming. And you fucker, part of the shit I am in is caused by you and your nasty little friends.

Hear hear the addict speaking to the addicts. Guess I need to wind down to make this a nice visit. Funny family structure now I come to think of it. Because all of us are going to try not to say or know any of this. Feels like home! 😀

Now there is a big trap in this meeting. Normally if I come back from these I drink myself senseless for 2 nights at least. Why was I thinking it is a good idea to see them?

I am still (still?) happy I quit. Breathe, relax and drink water.

Things I want to change

Nakken’s book has gone over to the part on recovery and I still don’t understand it. Have difficulty reading and understanding. Feel blocked. Anxiety. Notice that I’ve come to the parts where I am not proud of who I am, what I did, how I ‘work’. Feeling out of place, stranger to the people in this world. AND DON’T GIVE ME THAT ADDICT SHIT because I have felt like that all my life!!!!!! (sorry, again)

Sooooo. I guess I insist on being weird. :-/ I thought I am weird but never thought I had made it into a shield. It is a shield. Hence the question: what is there to gain from living the thought that I am weird? It magically explains away the fact that I have difficulty connecting or any other underdeveloped, hurtful or impractical character issues. It reduces others to being normal which makes them stupid because ‘normal is not good enough’. And of course that makes me more special again. Being special makes me untouchable. And…… back to the not connecting.

I do feel I am different because I have this sensitivity that is ‘not normal’, it is especially developed around diseases and finding cures for funny things. Not sure if it is HSP, don’t know, just want to know how to deal with it.

Trying to feel into the thought of me being normal, not weird. Whoops. If I am normal I am very inadequately normal. Loads of undeveloped area’s. Power issues, connecting issues. Rather unfinished. Loud. Before I quit I wrote down a list of things I want to change about myself.

– Big on number one: power issues, speak and act without being forceful. Not taking notice of myself in a conversation, not checking back how the other (might) react(s), overruling people, not always knowing stuff better, not always trying to ‘teach’ people. And the endless need to digress, to build smokescreens while digressing. Soooo irritating yet it comes soooo natural to me :-D. Which sentence is exhibit 278…. Part of this is also that I feel that my heart is not functioning as an organ, but neither as a spiritual heart, or as a chakra. It is, was, hard, no flexibility, no movement, no air, no room for living.

– Being critical, seeing every mistake, almost compulsively pointing out every mistake, might be a power thing too.

– Always being afraid that ‘everything’ will go wrong. The world is always burning in my perception.

– Magically develop vague illnesses to sidetrack me or avoid experiences.

– Grief as my biggest addiction.

– Having no trust, no hope.

– Continuously seeing traps, bears on the road.

– Fear of administration, fear of dealing with money issues.

Actually, only the seeing traps everywhere is functional in this process. Some people might want to add ‘insecurity’ to the list but I don’t feel insecure, I am actually very sure that I am very incompetent in a lot of areas. Hmmm, this reeks of denial. I guess the feeling shitty after calling me incompetent is insecurity. So insecurity is forbidden territory. Aaah, hint from the past: ‘insecurity is dangerous, the alpha guy feeds on it and will hurt me.’

I’ve had it for today. Still very happy that I quit drinking. Think I am doing very well. I’m finally coming to the point where I want to see people again. I guess that is GOOD. 🙂 Hope I don’t screw it up again, still haven’t found my feet, which is good too, but uneasy.

Constant vigilance

Day 10

Visited the new GP, weird conversation. I was trying not to ‘make in impression’ and use ‘power tools’ to make a statement, try to keep a check on the ego. Well, that didn’t work and apart from that: I couldn’t even finish a sentence. It does confirm to me that one needs at least a little bit of ego to come across or walk about in the world. Or maybe I set myself and her up to fail because I’m secretly (?) pissed of with her. Bull, I couldn’t finish a sentence because I was too chicken and too confused to say what I think because since I have been labelled ‘addict’ I think people doubt everything I say.

She doubts if I am on the right track because I do this on my own without a certified addict specialist. I’m now struggling why I find her doubt so hurtful. And than there’s that ego thing that if she hurts me I should get even, or at least prove she was absolutely wrong. Ha, let’s call it what it is, I’m not struggling, I am pretty pissed off because I find it fucking irritating that somebody doubts me!!! (I statements only… ;-)) And…. I do think it is important to work out the whole why of it.

First, I am not irritated, it started of with confused, moved to scared and only after that I got to pissed off and defensive. She could have said ‘congratulations on stopping’. I would have liked that (powerthingy language game, call her not nice without saying that? Trap, trap). But her whole attitude felt like she thinks I am destined to walk the wrong walk. (assumption trap). And with that doubt and her continuous ‘it is not getting sober, it is staying sober’ speak the road to drinking is textually opened up again. That irritates me because it is an image that I do not want at a place where I did not expect it.

Ha, got it!!! These doubts opened up possibilities that I took in without checking and the made me think drink. I should practice:

                                   

Let doubt not enter my system; keep it out with the same determination as drink think. The road to Booze is closed. Not closed until October, or closed till the new safety rails have been put in place. It is CLOSED. This is where that rule of laws of attraction works; I should not think ‘I should not drink’ because it keeps my focus attached to ‘drink’. Instead of that I think ‘I am free’.

                   I AM FREE AND HAPPY!!! (and crying)

Jason Vale says; be happy that you stopped. It could be considered a stupid mindfuck and it is, it is a brainwash technique. But if there’s brainwashing to be done I prefer this one over ‘oooh, have pitty on me because I stopped.’ or ‘drink because it makes you look cool’. Funny thing is, when I brainwash myself to happiness, I immediately don’t care anymore what the GP said. Isn’t that strange.

So, today I stumbled over my power thing, tried to reinforce the power thing in a blog, wrote 20 pages in which I was right and got righter by the minute, the GP was evil (sorry 😦 ), then deleted 19 and did some ‘ahaa Erlebnissy thing’ in the final page and tarted it up with a gif and realised:

       The only thing I can do is filter what comes in.

Sounds very familiar….

Bought a new juicer, feel shit

Day 8

Bought a new juicer as a ‘little’ present for me being sober. Since the old, old Braun that I bought 20 years ago for 2,50 ‘Euro’ has helped me so well through the first days of sobriety but it wastes quite some juice.

Tried the Philips it this morning. It is shit. It does give more juice but the juice is all dusty. And now I feel like shit. I’ve noticed in my life that I don’t deal with stuff, I don’t ‘repair’ after shit has happened. I just drink, have done for more than halve of my life. So repairing is important in order to not drink.

Why do I carry over the rotten feeling to me. Must have to do with dealing with disappointment. I feel like my nephew who, when 4 years old, cried because there was a worm in his apple. He took it personal. I think that is what I was doing. So much to learn in the sober world.

Or maybe I should get a life. Like right now. Like, instantly! :-/