Don’t you come near my white tower!

Twerski again. Not sure how to read this book. The crux is obviously not in the just reading it but in the doing stuff with it, discovering errors in thinking and internalizing a new, healthy approach. That is what I want. Well, that is what I was looking for.

And then I read it and I go berserk. First paragraph of the Foreword. Berserk!!! Not even written by Twerski. Feel attacked, feel like professionals in their white tower trying to make money of addicts.* I continue and very much dislike his tone and the way he has this smirk about how smart he is and how he knows it all. Projected, obviously but I don’t even have the quiet in my hands and head to pick up the book and look for an offending sentence – which in itself is a stupid thing to do but if I found one it would prove me right and that would be Very Good because if I am right I am superior!!! . Yeah!!!

It is quite well, not fully informative yet, but at least quite surprising how I sit here having a fight to this extent with a book and a man I don’t know. πŸ™‚ Shiiiiiit.

Just googled him, that settles my anger. He is this beautiful man with a white beard and in none of the photo’s he looks to say ‘I am Mr smarty pants’. I just see peace and quiet. Now I can read. Guess I have to start over again. πŸ˜‰

 

*And I did a, not so much Freudian slip, but a slip of some sort with this sentence. This was the first version of it: ‘Feel attacked, feel like professionals trying to make money of addicts in their white towers.’ Ghegheghe. πŸ˜€ Don’t you come near my white tower!!!

Happy-ish that I quit. Not proud of my aggression. And disappointed, thought that everything was going easy-peasy, works out that I actually have to do stuff. Again! Pfffff…… πŸ˜‰

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Extensive blood test ok!

And another one in the series of ‘good news’; the extra ultra extensive blood test that has been done has is OK. Just a little high on the bad cholesterol and the potassium but nothing to worry about. They say the high Potassium could also come from the fact that I had to sit with this band around my arm for a long long time to get all the blood out. But I blame it on the Celtic salt I use which contains a lot of Potassium. Also; the real Potassium level of a body is difficult to determine in blood because the bandwidth is so small that the body will deplete every stock in the body in order to keep the blood level good. Bad Potassium levels influence the heart rhythm immediately. People with a longstanding history of drinking alcohol and not eating (their veggies or Celtic salt) typically have a low level of Potassium.

And… I would not be surprised that the standard for ‘good Potassium levels’ have been set AFTER the worldwide introduction of table salt which does not contain any Potassium at all (and is therefore bad, bad, bad).

I’m not going to worry about the cholesterol, that will work itself out. Need to read up on it because the whole ‘saturated fat is bad, it makes you fat and gives you heart diseases’ is not true. Sugar causes inflammation in the arteries and that causes heart diseases.Β  So I am confident that it will work itself out in a little while since I don’t drink alcohol and do not eat sugar anymore.Β  And excercise…

And now, will I be finishing of my stop-drinking-alcohol-the-nutrients-approach with taking extra nutrients? currently I am only taking multivitamin, omega 3 and kelp every second or third day. The kelp is because the Celtic salt contains little Iodine. Right now think I will take a half or a quarter of the dose of everything of the alcohol detox mix and then to continue with the anxiety/stress, memory and hypoglycemia mix. There is this thing where I don’t feel safe if I don’t do this. While actually I don’t have alcohol cravings and very few alcohol thoughts. I do have sugar cravings, even though I was very low on sugar anyhow. Today I ate 7 raisins. I feel like I cheated, it is like taking 7 drops of alcohol because of the alcohol…

Can hear my brother say in my head now: ‘You don’t need pills for hypoglycemia, you need them for insanity. 7 Raisins, yeah, ooooooooh, BAD!!!’

What I am curious about is how the part of ‘addiction is searching the solution from the outside’ comes up in here. I am guessing that my not really feeling ‘safe’ while I actually have no cravings has to do with the thought that quitting alcohol should be really difficult and hard and almost impossible. It has not been that way for me. But… they say quitting is not the hard part, staying quit is the difficulty. I would not know, I am not there.

Why is it that I lose trust in me now things work out to be easy and even in the extensive blood test there is no damage to be found? I guess it is because I actually feel like a phony. The mess I was in when I drank and now finding out how easy it finally was. It wasn’t about heroically fighting a dragon for days on end, hanging on to life and then finally winning in a last act of heroism. It was about letting go of a fake idea of good. I scare me a little because I keep on thinking that I must go flat on my face because this can’t be true. Well, got the time to proof me if The Plan is going to lead to A Job (or not?!).

And on the other hand, I did a lot of the quitting work before hand. Most of the goodbyes have been said before I actually quit. I think that really helped. I copied that method from Allan Carr’s book on quitting with smoking. He ‘allows’ the reader to smoke while reading the book so the anxiety of quitting does not interfere with their intelligence. I did that with reading up on alcohol AND starting with the home googled nutrient approach I developed for myself and the no sugar, no smoking, eating healthy part.

And….. being happy. Being happy is the strongest anti-dote to being unhappy. Which is a load of BS, but if works, it works. Happy that I quit. Do feel like I need to get a move on. Proud is out of the picture. Content is not happening because I have been writing here instead of doing yoga.

Have a nice day / evening!

Do I have the right not to feel guilty?

One of the blogs I follow touched on the subject of feeling guilty about drinking. Not sure if anybody noticed but I haven’t touched that subject knowingly yet. Funny that I do think that I should feel guilty and pour my heart out before I can be healed. That is a very Catholic concept. Or is it a human concept as well. It is true if relations get hurt, then you need to get things clear before continuing.

Not sure if I am avoiding it. BS. No, I don’t want to go there. Yes, I am sure that I am avoiding guilt. I am avoiding guilt and saying that there is no use in feeling guilty AND that it is destabilising, which is very true AND saying that it is too early to make amends; I do not have the emotional stability and the mindset yet to do so.

And…. I knew up front that making amends would be a big thing if I would continue drinking and say, start looking for fight or whatever if I was pissed. So I hid my drinking and did not contact others while drinking or drunk. Nor drive cars. I would not drink or halve or quarter my intake if I had to drive in the early morning or would be seeing people.

I look back and I feel sadness, I felt and therefore was powerless when it came to alcohol, did not have the tools, the information, the maturity or the rock bottom yet, not sure what. It IS an addiction. That is what addictions do. When looking back and stumbling on hurtful situations of 20 years ago I, I don’t know, it just hurts. It makes me sad, it shows me how strong alcohol is.

I keep on thinking: I would not have done any of these things if I had not been addicted. Is that an excuse? It is a reason. If we take the statement that alcohol addiction is an illness it is an excuse. Or? Or should I say: If I had not let myself become addicted I would not have done any of these things. If we truly believe alcohol addiction is an illness, how come I and I assume a lot of all the people that I know think that alcohol addiction is a choice, or, at best, lacking to choose not to be addicted.

But I can not change what happened. In that I am powerless too. It is not good to put energy in wanting to change the past. It screws me up, can’t be done. I can look back. It hurts.

Non of this is the point. The point is that I think that I should feel guilty. And, push the ranting button: I don’t want to go there because this Idea of Guilt has been put there by people who are big on guilt and I defy them! He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone (at her)!!!

Sooooo, nicely caught up in my guilt trip. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ This is therapist stuff, not gonna do this by myself. All in all it feels like a shitload of addict speak. Looking forward to the book on Addictive Thinking. See what that’s gonna bring.

ClichΓ© time: If you want to change the past, change today.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character; watch your character: it becomes your destiny.

Happy that I quit. Happy that I am free of the alcohol. There’s stuff to do for sure but happy that I am free. Proud of the stuff that I did today. Loads of deep cleaning, should have done more. Will continue. And the cat is getting grumpy with the egg timer going off every 15 minutes so I can check on my emotions, practise in relaxing and check if I am actually following the plan. It is working. More often now I notice that my thoughts run of to a dark non relaxed place and I call them back.

This feeling of ‘pffffff….’

Still not feeling 100%, guessing it comes from the giving blood at the GP or from kicking of the sugar. I was pretty clean but pretty clean did not work out to be enough and today I am experiencing cravings. Sugar cravings mainly but there are these thoughts that say that a beer would be a good solution too. So quitting sugar for 100% is actually effecting my alcohol cravings. Exactly what the book said. But I am not happy about it.

And now I have this feeling of ‘pffffff…. bored now…..’ that tells me the solutions should come from the outside. Did sleep this afternoon, calmed me down a little.

I should take better care of eating enough and regularly. Still not doing that properly. Why not? I’m a bit tired of my own moaning and sternness. Trap. I still have difficulty thinking so I might as well eat something and be of to bed.

I should have set the egg timer every 15 minutes, I would have noticed earlier that I had not eaten enough. I did eat but it was raw red cabbage with carrots, apple, fresh ginger and a yoghurt dressing. Very good! But it probably takes more calories than it brings…

That’s the bad thing with low sugar, it also affects the brain and it makes me careless. Grrrrrr… I don’t want this. Moaning now. And there is the desperate feeling. Hello! If only all of my life I would have known this. Want to win a war? Cut down the sugar supply to the country and you are done. Did you know that the country that I live in has its own heavily subsidised sugar production? It is by no means commercial but it is considered to be of strategic importance.

Happy that I quit. A bit surprised that I come to my first real craving at, what is it, 6 weeks or so. Lucky that they are about sugar. Happy that I know how it works. Irritated that I know but don’t act upon it. Need to stock up tomorrow as well because we will do a 50km bike tour. Which is good!!! Not proud, didn’t do The Plan, started it but went to sleep.

Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor MatΓ© on YouTube. Nice πŸ™‚

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

Day after normal day 3

Went to bed at 1:something last night. I just can’t wind down when I’m socialising till late, can’t sleep. Or, maybe I have the feeling I can’t sleep, never tried to go to sleep, would always drink till I could sleep. This ‘frenzy’ in my head is something that I, at the moment see as the biggest danger for me for relapse. Don’t know where it comes from. Breathing deeply changes it to normal tiredness. Which could mean it is some sort of lack of oxigen or surplus in carbondioxide. Or that breathing deeply is a relaxation technique that helps me focus on the here and now. Let’s find out.

Did my online free anti-alchol training. Have done it 8 or 10 times by now. It’s a little boring. They keep on showing the same photo’s of alcoholic and softdrinks and I need to push the right button. But then again, drinking every night again, and again, and again is not really exciting either. Might as well put some time in it since they promise wonderful results. And indeed, after the umpteenth photo of a glas of beer I get this dunno, bored feeling. They say the technique desensitizes. I guess that is a fancy word for ‘boredom’.

I’ve got one of these hickups again, something is out there waiting for me to understand and learn to manage and I’m going ‘Nooooooooooo!!!!’ What is it? I think it is organisation of the daily tasks. Yesterday and the day before I realised how rewarding it was to eat and sleep at the right (pre-set) times. And now I feel like it has been soooo exhausting, ‘I really do need a reward’. I want to sleep. Apart from that I do need to sleep because my head is spinning, I do need to realise that this simple level of organisation is a very important step if I want to deal with the hypoglemic part of the food and alcohol cravings. Pfffffffff… IdontwanttogothereiwanttosleepIdontwantittobedifficult. IwanttobeabletodowhatIdid whenIwas19butbetternowandwithoutthedrinkingandIdontwantittobedifficult.

Aaah, I do not believe I can organise my life, that is half of the energy. Going to sleep now.

And woke up 3 hours later. Got some extra flyers out in the neighbourhood for the kitten. Still tired. Must be starting to hybernate already. To bed early.

Happy that I quit. A little too tired to be proud.

28 Days and A Plan

28 Days today. Going to celebrate that with watching the movie 28 Days tonight. In this movie Sandra Bullock is a loose post-teen woman with a serious alcohol problem. She gets caught for drunk driving and has to go to rehab. She is very apprehensive but along the line you will see her change.

The first time I watched it must be 10 years ago, I had no idea what it the movie was about, just watched it but it did get me thinking. The whole movie is generally good fun but specifically the end stayed with me. I guess it set me on the path of selecting and letting go friends and acquaintances that I knew would get me in trouble if I would ever stop. It might have also showed me that drinking in public is not elegant.

When I look back it is actually strange that I drank for so long. Drinking stopped being ‘fun’ after I studied. By the age I was about 25 it already had a quality of something I needed to lift myself from below zero to zero. Well, that would exactly be addiction; not being able to stop.

And today? Hmmm, let me try to make a plan for the day.

– I’ll start of reading Seven weeks to sobriety.

– Then when I get cold I’ll shower and eat.

– Make a Bach remedy cocktail focussed on getting stuff done and moving away from the feeling that I am ‘still ill’ and ‘need to be carefull’.

– Get my vitamins in, have been neglecting that.

– Call girlfriends, make appointments for the week.

– Clean the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom.

– Do food shopping.

– Clean the communal garden and try to see if the cat dares to come out of the house when I’m out.

Those are 2 things too many. Ditch the communal garden.

– Add: planning a date to make the plan to present the GP.

– Add: enjoy what you are doing and relax.

I’ve gone all tense now when thinking of A Plan. Don’t want to be accountable (yet?) or ‘just’? Ha! I’m really getting stuck internally here. Hmmm. No wonder I never get stuff done. I go into panic mode only by thinking of a plan. Even a day plan. I have had this all my adult life as I remember but normally I would drink the uneasiness away and wait for deadlines to come closer so the stress of the deadline would outdo the stress of the plan.

Deadline surfer I am. Let’s look that up on the internet. Aaah, internet has the ‘attack it with your will and brainpower approach.’ That has not worked for me ever. I guess I’ll just have to ponder on what is keeping me. Perfect therapy subject. Guess what?!! I have that book from Covey, it says ‘Priorities’ on the back. Never read it. Might be good to get an inkling of what it takes to prioritize. Oooh, feeling some resistance here. πŸ˜€ Breathe, breathe…

Happy that I quit but not proud anymore because I’m getting to the part now where things start to matter and I feel I can’t deliver. Happy that I have given myself the opportunity to come to this stage and see where the barriers and traps are. Let’s see how this develops.