Drinking dream and thoughts running

I had a dream about drinking last night. Ieeehks! It started of with me forgetting about not drinking alcohol and accepting a glass of something, can’t even remember what it was. The first sip was a mistake – I should have, possibly could have stopped there. But I did not out of ‘politeness’. So the rest of the glass followed, and another, and another and I was standing by seeing myself drinking the one after the other and it was awful. No control what so ever. Since I have not been drinking for 4 months now what people call ‘the buzz’ kicked in pretty quickly but it was not nice. Actually, it was awful, it felt like being on tranquilizers or so. I don’t know how it finished. I do remember thinking: ‘I need to get away from this party because I do not feel good.’ And: ‘I want to drink more!! But not in public.’

Nasty dream. All of it felt horrible. And I guess I now know what ‘we admitted we are powerless over our addiction’ means. I was just a bystander in my body grabbing for more and more and more. It was awful. I can’t imagine I did that to me for years.

Since I am sober I suspect there is a link from being confronted with alcohol or a strong longing during the day to the dreams. What happened was a Christmas dinner at friends. The host and I have a history of serious drinking and I believe last year we finished 3 bottles of wine and 6 liters of beer between us while chatting and singing. I had informed him upfront that I did not drink anymore and like all the others he replied with a ‘please mail me a list of what you ARE having (now)’ or something along those lines because he is familiar with my ever-changing food requests. Following all the tips in the sober blogosphere I had taken brought some AF drinks that interest me. Btw: I notice that sounds have a big effect on urges: 2 bottles clashing in a bag, the rattling of bear bottles in a crate, the psssssssst! noise of a can opening -> urge.

The urge yesterday came with the smell of wine. I was sitting next to the host and he bend over the game we were playing and with that move his glass of wine got waved in front of me. DING DING DING DING DING!!! ALCOHOL!!! I noticed that I started salivating, I guess that tells me I am addicted. Still having difficulty with that concept because I THINK that I am having an easier time than others with quitting. I am starting to suspect that this THINKING is just another way of fooling myself into THINKING I am not addicted. And anyhow, normal is not good enough for me and being right makes me superior. 😦

Actually, I am suspecting that the ease I have with quitting might be another part of the problem. Or…? Or am I ruining everything that is good and putting sadness between me and the world? Don’t know. Thinking it is very easy to quit is a thought that in the future will make me drink because there is arrogance and denial in it. Therefore it is dangerous. Thinking that it is difficult to stop will make me drink in the future because then there is no use in stopping. Ergo, if I have a difficult live without the booze I might as well drink and have a difficult life with the booze.

You know, I’m being fucking haunted by a shitload of addictive thoughts. They are fucking me up. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Wanna puke. I feel like I am drunk. My thinking feels like I am drunk. How can that be? Too much sugar in the soft drinks? Physical reaction to the back pain that has returned and bothered me all evening? Yes, I am aware that it is the other way around and that I bother my back by not excercising and sitting all day :-(. If it were somebody else giving me this pain I would have fought them all day.

Well, back to yesterday. What I did, yes, stupid, stupid, stupid, is smell the wine and enjoy it and thinking ‘Ha! This is what other people speak of if they have difficulty not drinking.’ God I am SO ARROGANT! Lacking a more creative word I would like to place a wholehearted FUCK!!! in here. And the cat is meowing because she hears that my typing is erratic and I am hammering on the keyboard and that is not good. But she is lovely. 🙂

Before I wrote this post I thought that if I ever drink again it is because of arrogance of thinking I can deal. Reading back I should also watch out for ‘being polite’ and not refusing a drink because that is what happened in the dream. I actually smell alcohol right now. I should have never let that smell inside. I should not have enjoyed it. Within minutes it changed into the nasty, not fresh smell of alcohol that made me nauseous but not at first and I have paid with a dream and am paying with insecurity and self-doubt now.

I must read this post in a few days because I feel that this is another of those phases that I experience in sobering up. And I need to get out of this phase now because it is destructive. It has panic and non constructive thoughts of powerlessness in it. Off to bed. See what tomorrow brings. No good can come of thinking in this mode.

I am happy that I quit and suddenly worried if I can carry through. Not that I want to drink but I have lost my confidence. Not proud, well, a little, on the 4 months and my first sober Christmas in 30 years.

I will try to add a new category; what I need. The what I need right now is sleep and tomorrow taking care of me so the backpain is sorted out.

Trying to moderate the beta blockers

New challenge. Since doing my admin still does not ‘work’ I might as well do something that I think/thought I am good at: quitting. First time in my life I will try to do this by moderation. I’m not so good at moderating (haha) but the enclosed paper says that I should take at least 2 weeks of moderation before quitting. Quitting cold turkey may lead to sudden death -> not good. But luckily that counts for people with heartproblems and I think I only have high blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been just within the boundaries of normal for about 2-3 months now so I thought I would quit my beta blockers. I have this whole schedule where I moderate. Yeah, schedule, plan… pffff.

I had 1 pill of 50mg a day. Now I take 2 of 25mg. But it is actually very uncomfortable to live on the halved dose. I hardly slept last night because of the pfffffffrrrrrrr things in my heart, like a butterfly caught in a jar. Which made me anxious and that got me in a funny circle; anxious, heart palpitations (is that the word?) -> more anxious -> more palpitations. And the cat did not like it either, she became anxious too and ran through the house like crazy for at least 2 hours. And only when I calmed down she did.

I rang the pill factory for some advice. They say it takes 4-5 days to get used to a new dose.

I finally did find out that taking deep breaths actually immediately works calming. 🙂 Oxygen is good, calm is good. And now I need to get out in the rain and bike 8 km to a place where I have to do stuff. Let’s say: good, oxygen, movement :-).

I am wondering how much of my lack of anxiety while quitting was covered up by the beta blocker. We shall see. :-/ I will go back to my old dose if I think quitting the pills endanger my sobriety. Which would actually mean that these pills, over the years, have become a substitute addiction and that bothers me. 😦 Well, I bother me, that is the issue. Note to self: stop moaning.

If anybody has any info on quitting beta blockers I would be delighted to hear about that.  🙂 Thanks in advance.

Happy that I quit, not happy today with what I do or what or why or whatever. Tired.

Hmmmm….

Today, and I am guessing yesterday too, I was so tired of thinking about NOT drinking that I went to do stuff for myself and relax. Good. Read part of Veronica Valli’s book on Why you drink and how to stop and a Jack Vance book. 🙂 Bit ashamed to say that I have read that set of Vace books 7 times already in my life but now I find new sentences. Hmmm 😦 At those times I never noticed that I drank so much. That hurts.

Pffff, don’t want to worry today. I need to take care of me and taking care is also resting if things get too much. I did focus a little on getting and staying sober but instead of me copying my reply to Mallard’s blog and you reading that here, you might want to drop by at Mallard’s place and maybe lend her a hand.

Have a nice Wednesday, or maybe you are going into Thursday already when reading this. I wish you all the best. May the good voice inside set and keep you on the right track. ❤

New :-)

This afternoon I had another intense session with my addiction counselor. It was good, but it feels funny to write about it because the counselor also has the name of this blog. No matter. After an intense singing lesson, an intense therapist meeting having an intense counselling session is… tiresome.

Time to make some dinner I thought. I feel like, feel like? Yes! I feel like something hot, fat, salty and deep-fried with cheese.

And then I thought: ‘but what do I really want?’

That’s NEW!!!!

‘I want to not be sad. I don’t want things to hurt. I am tired.’

That’s all. I am thinking it is big because it is the first time that I somehow disconnected want and need. Am I allowed to say, at 44, that I had never gotten to that point? It’s NEW!! 🙂

All in all not so happy that I quit. Too much painful soul searching this week I guess, throws stuff out of balance. Too much work not enough fun. Right now I am trying to fight urges with will power and intellect and not with my ‘happy that I quit’. Happy that I quit is way easier but I have trouble getting to that point. Well, I guess that is where the work is, theme of last week: don’t put sadness between myself and happiness. And then there is this voice in my head saying: ‘Just work on that.’ And an answer…. (Do you have that too? Conversations within?)

‘Nooooooooo! I don’t want to do anything anymore, too tired! I am so sad and I just want to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? I deserve to be happy after so much shit, it is not fair! I should be happy when I do all the quitting stuff.’

‘Now there’s a nice trap all covered up in righteousness…. And no, that’s not how it works. I am not sure how it does work. All I know is that you deal in sadness and if you are going through the motions of dealing in something you might as well deal in happiness.’

So. Here I go again, practising feeling happy. It actually works. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Fucking proud of it! Jeeeez! Thank you self. 🙂 Tadaaaaaaa!!!!!

And shiiiiiit, tired. Food. Sleep.