Now this is a strange story. I was on my way to the nutritionist Friday. The evening before, I had set the alarm in the dark. My inner voice and I had, well, have, this continuous battle. Or maybe I am arguing with my inner voice. I want to change that but oooh, ego. 😦 It goes like this:
‘No, you should turn the light on for setting the alarm.’
‘Don’t want to.’
‘Yes you should, you don’t see this right.’
‘No, but I know where the buttons are.’
I never turned on the light and woke up at 8:45 while the alarm was supposed to be set at 7:45 hours. But I did not know that then, so I snoozed a little…
‘You should check out the clock before you snooze again.’
‘Pfffff…..’ (checking the clock.) ‘SHIT!!! THE CLOCK IS WRONG!!!! IT IS 8:54!!!! WHY DID IT NOT GO OFF ON TIME?!!!! I DID NOT SNOOZE THAT LONG?!!!! STUPID CLOCK!!! Oooh, hmmm…. Fcuk!’ Insert negative self talk here.
‘No, don’t waste your energy on berating yourself. Don’t worry. If you get up now you can still make it to your 9:30 appointment. Just don’t wash your hair and eat a little muesli instead of cooking porridge. You will be fine.’
‘Pfffff…. Grrrrrr…. I wanted to be EXACTLY ON TIME FOR ONCE!’
So I biked to the nutritionist, relaxed actually because I am teaching myself to relax in traffic because I am not going to go any faster anyhow when stressed and I might aswell enjoy the journey and the exercise. I noticed that happiness is much easier when not berating myself. 🙂
So… I was relaxed and thinking about needing to go to the GP to get my blood pressure checked so I actually automatically biked towards the GP instead of the nutritionist.
‘This is not where you should be.’
‘Ieeeeeeeehks! You see?!! I can’t do anything right! Can’t even get on time. Can’t get where I need to go! My brain is all clogged up, it is foggy, I can never ever get a job again!’
‘No no no no, don’t go there. Your brain is foggy from the sugar you took yesterday and you are learning to relax but you have not learned to relax AND keep your eye on the goal. That’s all. You think relaxing is about ‘not having to do anything anymore and not be responsible’. That is not so. You need to and will learn to relax AND stick to your goal. That is how grown ups do that.’
‘I don’t believe that. I will be flat broke before I have learned all that. People will find out I am stupid. I can never get a job or hold one if I can’t even bike to a place!’
‘You seriously need to work on those parts of your health and mind but stressing about it will not help you.’
‘You see! You said ‘seriously’. I am doooooooomed!!!!! And I don’t know the address from here. I can’t remember how I got to the nutritionist anymore!’
‘Breath! You are panicking. Now what did you learn? If you don’t know how to do it with your brain you can feel your way through.’
‘This is all going very wrong. Very wrong.’
‘You are exactly where you should be learning exactly what you should be learning.’
‘It takes too looooooong!!! I will be flat broke before I have learned it all. I am sure! I will have to fake my way through. I can’t do that, people will find out that I am a big fraud.’
‘You can’t go faster than you go. And if you worry about later you are not taking the lesson in the here and now. If there is something that will slow you down, that will be it. Breathe.’
And I biked and could not get my head around how to get to the nutritionist while they are, I guess at most 1,5 km / 1 mile apart.
‘I am lost!! This is so typical. This is a tiny, tiny village, and I am lost. So typical. How will I ever get through the world if I don’t even know my way in the center of my own town?!’
‘You are panicking and you are not listening. And you are not feeling your way.’
‘I am lost!!!! I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know where to go. I’ll be late. I am stupid.’
‘Relax. But not now, now you need to bike like crazy. If you don’t there will be something falling of that scaffolding on you.’
‘Pfffff, now who is not relaxing?’
‘Ok, ok! But those people up there sure know what they do. You know, one thing I have learned is to have a little faith and NOT be afraid of so many things anymore.’
‘Ok. OK!!! Whoops!!!! Was that a bucket?! SHIT!!! Just missed me by 1 meter!!! DA FACK??!!!!
A bucket with debris fell of the scaffolding, it landed 1 meter behind my bike. It wasn’t really heavy but I guess it would have knocked me of the bike when it would have hit me. But it did not. I felt like taking another direction but I could not due to traffic. 🙂
‘………………………….. Ok. I will breath. I will relax. Thank you.’
And then I relaxed and breathed and knew the way suddenly, I biked there with pleasure while contemplating the lessons learned.
Lesson 1: Listen to my inner voice. It is there to guide me, even if I don’t feel like doing what it says. Listen so the voice does not have to come up with these nasty accidents anymore to inform me. The inner voice bugs me as well to inform me of worldly things that need to be learned and done. The inner voice is not only the nice one that is comforting me. I can not only take the nice parts from the voice that I like – that is indulging and has little to do with growth. I need growth now. My voice is bugging me because a lot of things need to be done and I am NOT living in line with my spirit. That is why I have an issue with should. Because I SHOULD get a move on.
Lesson 2: There is a difference between relaxing and not taking responsibility. I have always thought they were the same.
Lesson 3: I am an insolent, ungrateful, egocentric, stubborn, lazy brat trying to master adult life with responsibilities and stuff. Well, one day I’ll get there. 🙂
And my inner voice says I should not do the negative talk…
‘Don’t you ever shut up?!!!’
‘Actions have consequences. Nature does not punish, nor does it reward.’
‘But I am already feeling guilty about it!’
‘Guilt is useless, either do something or don’t. Wasting energy on guilt is useless.’
I’m going to have a bath.