Learning to listen to my inner voice

Now this is a strange story. I was on my way to the nutritionist Friday. The evening before, I had set the alarm in the dark. My inner voice and I had, well, have, this continuous battle. Or maybe I am arguing with my inner voice. I want to change that but oooh, ego. 😦  It goes like this:

‘No, you should turn the light on for setting the alarm.’

‘Don’t want to.’

‘Yes you should, you don’t see this right.’

‘No, but I know where the buttons are.’

‘Noohoooooo!’

‘Yeahesssssss!’

I never turned on the light and woke up at 8:45 while the alarm was supposed to be set at 7:45 hours. But I did not know that then, so I snoozed a little…

‘You should check out the clock before you snooze again.’

‘Pfffff…..’ (checking the clock.) ‘SHIT!!! THE CLOCK IS WRONG!!!! IT IS 8:54!!!! WHY DID IT NOT GO OFF ON TIME?!!!! I DID NOT SNOOZE THAT LONG?!!!! STUPID CLOCK!!! Oooh, hmmm…. Fcuk!’ Insert negative self talk here.

‘No, don’t waste your energy on berating yourself. Don’t worry. If you get up now you can still make it to your 9:30 appointment. Just don’t wash your hair and eat a little muesli instead of cooking porridge. You will be fine.’

‘Pfffff…. Grrrrrr…. I wanted to be EXACTLY ON TIME FOR ONCE!’

So I biked to the nutritionist, relaxed actually because I am teaching myself to relax in traffic because I am not going to go any faster anyhow when stressed and I might aswell enjoy the journey and the exercise. I noticed that happiness is much easier when not berating myself. πŸ™‚

So… I was relaxed and thinking about needing to go to the GP to get my blood pressure checked so I actually automatically biked towards the GP instead of the nutritionist.

‘This is not where you should be.’

‘Ieeeeeeeehks! You see?!! I can’t do anything right! Can’t even get on time. Can’t get where I need to go! My brain is all clogged up, it is foggy, I can never ever get a job again!’

‘No no no no, don’t go there. Your brain is foggy from the sugar you took yesterday and you are learning to relax but you have not learned to relax AND keep your eye on the goal. That’s all. You think relaxing is about ‘not having to do anything anymore and not be responsible’. That is not so. You need to and will learn to relax AND stick to your goal. That is how grown ups do that.’

‘I don’t believe that. I will be flat broke before I have learned all that. People will find out I am stupid. I can never get a job or hold one if I can’t even bike to a place!’

‘You seriously need to work on those parts of your health and mind but stressing about it will not help you.’

‘You see! You said ‘seriously’. I am doooooooomed!!!!! And I don’t know the address from here. I can’t remember how I got to the nutritionist anymore!’

‘Breath! You are panicking. Now what did you learn? If you don’t know how to do it with your brain you can feel your way through.’

‘This is all going very wrong. Very wrong.’

‘You are exactly where you should be learning exactly what you should be learning.’

‘It takes too looooooong!!! I will be flat broke before I have learned it all. I am sure! I will have to fake my way through. I can’t do that, people will find out that I am a big fraud.’

‘You can’t go faster than you go. And if you worry about later you are not taking the lesson in the here and now. If there is something that will slow you down, that will be it. Breathe.’

And I biked and could not get my head around how to get to the nutritionist while they are, I guess at most 1,5 km / 1 mile apart.

‘I am lost!! This is so typical. This is a tiny, tiny village, and I am lost. So typical. How will I ever get through the world if I don’t even know my way in the center of my own town?!’

‘You are panicking and you are not listening. And you are not feeling your way.’

‘I am lost!!!! I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know where to go. I’ll be late. I am stupid.’

‘Relax. But not now, now you need to bike like crazy. If you don’t there will be something falling of that scaffolding on you.’

‘Pfffff, now who is not relaxing?’

‘BIKE!!!!!!’

‘Ok, ok! But those people up there sure know what they do. You know, one thing I have learned is to have a little faith and NOT be afraid of so many things anymore.’

‘BIKE!!!!!’

‘Ok. OK!!! Whoops!!!! Was that a bucket?! SHIT!!! Just missed me by 1 meter!!! DA FACK??!!!!

A bucket with debris fell of the scaffolding, it landed 1 meter behind my bike. It wasn’t really heavy but I guess it would have knocked me of the bike when it would have hit me. But it did not. I felt like taking another direction but I could not due to traffic. πŸ™‚

‘………………………….. Ok. I will breath. I will relax. Thank you.’

And then I relaxed and breathed and knew the way suddenly, I biked there with pleasure while contemplating the lessons learned.

Lesson 1: Listen to my inner voice. It is there to guide me, even if I don’t feel like doing what it says. Listen so the voice does not have to come up with these nasty accidents anymore to inform me. The inner voice bugs me as well to inform me of worldly things that need to be learned and done. The inner voice is not only the nice one that is comforting me. I can not only take the nice parts from the voice that I like – that is indulging and has little to do with growth. I need growth now. My voice is bugging me because a lot of things need to be done and I am NOT living in line with my spirit. That is why I have an issue with should. Because I SHOULD get a move on.

Lesson 2: There is a difference between relaxing and not taking responsibility. I have always thought they were the same.

Lesson 3: I am an insolent, ungrateful, egocentric, stubborn, lazy brat trying to master adult life with responsibilities and stuff. Well, one day I’ll get there. πŸ™‚

And my inner voice says I should not do the negative talk…

‘Don’t you ever shut up?!!!’

‘Actions have consequences. Nature does not punish, nor does it reward.’

‘But I am already feeling guilty about it!’

‘Guilt is useless, either do something or don’t. Wasting energy on guilt is useless.’

I’m going to have a bath.

The S-word

This post started of with being on the word ‘should’ but since I am still not editing my thoughts is actually went all over the place. Not sure if I should πŸ˜€ change that.

I just had a big ‘should’ experience and I want to write this down in my diary and of course also tell you about it. Yes, sorry, in that order, I still can not deal with a reversed order where you would come first. :-/

My brother told me last week that he thinks that I do not like myself and do not believe anybody can like me. He is right. And I want to change it. Not so much for myself I am guessing, well, not yet, but mostly for others because that feeling ignites strange sentences like the above on priorities; I call it a I-will-throw-you-out-before-you-can-throw-me-out approach. And it is ridiculous not to want it for myself and that is not going to work but I am not there yet. And I do not want to venture into these realms because I have a should post to finish.

Pfff, that did not work. Reading the first paragraph again I feel sorry for me that I think that way. So not adequate to deal with , so not adapted to the polite adult world, stuck in this angry teenage behaviour. I don not want to write this down, I do not want to know this about me, I do not want to feel this way. I want it gone and fixed immediately. Now where did I hear that before? Quick fixes of uncomfortable feelings…

Well, this is where I am at. This is where getting clear happens; where it hurts, where it feels awkward, where there is dis-ease, where it feels new, where things are dis-covered. And then there is learning and then there is happiness. πŸ™‚

So back to the beginning, I had this overwhelming experience on the word ‘should’. And not unlike me it was intense and drove me borderline crazy but not unlike me I can actually deal with borderline crazy very well. πŸ™‚ I did not realise that until I just wrote that down. Trust the process and keep breathing. So much I learned these past few months. Not sure that looks good on my CV but it is a start.Β  Do not put sadness between yourself and a good experience.

Last week my nutritionist friend and I spoke about the word should and I. She said I should try to get that word out of my vocabulary. Well, she did not use the should word, most definitely not. Every since I have been paying a little or a lot of attention to me using this word.

This is what I wrote yesterday: Should, I should, you should, we should. I guess it continues with I should have, you should have, we should have. Does it? Hmmm, hole in my grammar. But that is off topic again. The topic is should. What I should be doing, should have done versus what I am doing. I am doing nothing. Well, I did watch about a season of Drop Dead Diva which is very comforting.

I should have woken up early, should have had milk in the house for pudding, should have had breakfast not behind the screen, should have cuddled the cat straight out of bed and not 10 minutes after, should have cleaned the kitchen straight away, should have dressed immediately after showering, should have done groceries, should have called some people to catch up, should have cleaned up my post from yesterday, should have done all these things and I did non. Why not?

Even thinking about the should issue gives me such a fright that one realisation of how it works or rather: how it does not work, sends me into watching Netflix for days and trying to settle into a feeling that I call ‘good’ before I feel I can do something again. And I don’t do stuff in between. If I happen to do stuff I feel not good about it because I am looking at ALL THAT WORK that is surrounding me and still needs to be done. Work that I have not done, work that I should have done. Totally stuck.

I tried to feel back in time to where this feeling of being paralyzed started.

It has to do with feeling utterly powerless. It is so funny how a person (I!) have different layers in which different feelings or experiences hide. I can be out and about and all in my zone doing stuff and then things change, I might wake up one morning and it feels like I can not accomplish anything.

Today I had this amazing should experience where I suddenly gave in to the pressure of a well, rather pressing experience of a should-do-this-thought and FINALLY did all the things on my should list right in that moment. It was the should list of the moment but shit it was TREMENDOUS! I was going to make some tea. And then there was a pan soaking in the sink so I could not hold the water cooker under the tap to fill it with enough water. So I filled it half and then added some extra cups by hand. And I got sooooooo fed up with the ‘you should empty the sink’ that I FINALLY did something: I followed the should and turned it into doing. Wow!! No, not wow; WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What an energy. Cleaned the kitchen within 5 minutes, continued with the bedroom. My thoughts were going crazy, massive stack overload, thoughts running, running, running. Thinking, thinking, thinking. ‘I have difficulty doing stuff based on will, will is useless in me, I can only do stuff based on insights. Will this finally be the turning point in my life where I start to live again? ‘ And: ‘Do not smother the experience in expectations, go with the flow.’ I did. It was overwhelmingly good to finally get this rubbish of should out of my head!

And stopped. And started writing. Not sure how this will develop but I HAVE SENSED THE FREEDOM OF DOING THINGS ON THE SHOULD LIST. Thinking maybe I can learn to start that process again?

I actually think that the nutritionist friend meant to say that I should decide on things: either do or postpone and not keep them continuously active on the should list. Like Yoda:

Happy that I quit. Happy that I have these wonderful insights. I am guessing that is what makes it worthwhile to be me. Hmm, that sounds funny. Well it makes it worthwhile to quit drinking. Highs from learning. I like. πŸ™‚

And sorry for the incoherent long post. I am guessing that one day there will be short coherent posts. But not now, not yet. So be it.

Changes, changes…

Hi! πŸ™‚ Hope to find you well. I haven’t been feeling like writing and I still don’t but I think that I should try a little just to see what comes up. I never know with me. I might be hiding important stuff from me just because I don’t feel like knowing it.

Yeah. Big things have been happening. Big changes in me but there were so much of them that it was overwhelming and I did not even know where to start so I did not. Going to try now.

The friend I have called the nutritionist friend introduced me to the concept of not using the word ‘should’. Right at that moment I realised how much of my life’s energy is stuck in that concept. It felt like I encase myself in this tremendous wall of things that I should do and don’t do and then berate myself over. It feels like a 30 cm (12 inch) thick wall of heavy fog all around me, almost concrete, that heavy. No wonder I feel stuck. And… with noticing it and realising the construction that keeps it there, I also managed to let go for a tenth of a second…. it gave me an insight in the overwhelmingly big world that lies behind this wall of fog and my need to hide.

I trust biology and our Creators; whatever good or bad we have in ourself, it is there for a reason. Me getting stuck is not good or productive but somewhere there must be a reasonΒ  that I prefer to be stuck or it would not happen. I might not be aware of it but somehow, somewhere I think I win with this behaviour. Being an ex(?)-addict it is probably a quick fix and short time goal I am serving with it, but the idea of the fix is there and I think by now I have learned that I can not leave destructive behaviour if I do not understand what I do when doing it and feel my way through it while understanding it. I learn by reading, thinking, listening, speaking and while doing that feeling my way through. Through actually means ‘out’ in most cases. Feel my way out of the problem into clear living.

I learn best when things change in my cells too. Does that make sense? Do you know an insight in something can be so big that your whole body reacts? Like a reaction is set of in all your cells? Learning in such a way that your whole body understands what is good and what is wrong. Learning in such a way that you never feel like you did before because something has changed at cell level? This has happened in a bad way but lately it is happening in a good way very often and pfiew, it takes time to let things settle. And if anybody knows of a book that can put more scientific words to this process I would really like to know.

About the should word. I did not take time to let it settle in my body which is a shame because I needed that insight. Next time I will take care and say something like ‘I need to sit with this feeling for a while.’ So it can settle better. I should have (hahaha) taken the time to let that realisation settle in my cells.

Other insights? Yes! Every now and then the fog between me and the mess in my house lifts and I really see it for what it is. Quite overwhelming. Have I done anything about it? Not a lot yet, but is really getting on my nerves by now and my body is rebelling against it. I have started cleaning more, still keeping up making the bed in the morning, cleaning the sheets more often, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen more often than I ever did.

I needed to do some tiny admin stuff and suddenly I realised how tiny they were and I just did it. No promises for the future.

There is a thing: I can not deal with pressure and expectations. Or I never could and now I realise it. Any expectation puts an enormous amount of pressure onto me. Like ‘You’ll work it out.’ Or ‘You’ll have a job in no time.’ Or my GP3: ‘If you can’t walk 30 minutes, start with 5 and build it up.’ NOOOOOOOOO!!!! So I am doing an experiment on me. Based on the thought that I know what is good for me AND that nature will provide. The first one is clear all though one could argue that an ex-addict does not know what is good or bad. I’m not going to, because I got into this shit with not listening to me and not aligning myself with whatever my true me is and I am practising not doing that anymore. Actually I have shipped out so much rubbish already that I am not me anymore. THAT is a major change as well. No I’ve not become psychotic or what have you. Last week I had this revelation of realising that becoming sober was not going to feel like ‘me with some changes’. If I want to get sober (am) and clear (am not yet) I need to change. My ideas, my frames, my concepts, my approaches, my intentions and my speed needs to change. I need to clean out the rubbish, mend things, clean things up, heal. And that does not go happen if I hang on to who I was and what I like to feel like.

My ‘preferred’ state of being is anxious, with some kind of doom awaiting me, always. With loads of sadness and loss and happiness that is almost directly smothered in that sadness. Not directly, then there would be no effect, just almost directly so I can still feel the happiness but it is gone in seconds, creating even more sadness. Well. I guess that is not what I want. So me with some changes is not happening, the changes are so big that the me is changing too. Which is good. When getting sober and longing to be clear I never knew it would go so deep.

Also my body does not like fast food anymore. I had a decent pizza from a real Italian today; brrrrrr. My body starts to object. That feeling is 500 years old, no, ok, 20 years old? I am starting to dislike the taste of my favorite chocolate. The ‘what else is left’ (add some drama here….) thought keeps me with it. No coffee, no black or green tea, no soda, no sugar apart from very pure chocolate. I know the key is in the not longing but I can’t get there yet and I don’t think I should practise that now. It’s too early. It takes the brain 4 months to re-route the neural pathways of reward from alcohol to something else. I’ve hooked it to chocolate, watching a movie, sleeping, taking a bath and… being alone. It is actually contact with people that makes me want to drink. So maybe I should be a shepard or a writer or so or a train driver.

Ooh, and another big thing on Perfection. I always thought perfection was about doing stuff perfect or not doing them (I do the last… ). But it is about WANTING them and specifically me TO BE PERFECT and NEEDING things to be FIXED, preferably in NO TIME. And the struggling I did with that: ‘Not being able to be perfect is ok, in itself, for others….’ πŸ˜€ I always thought that I, well still think, that I am living to be perfect later. And in light of that image it is no use to do anything actually. Why bother? Not going to be enough anyhow. Well, that is a bit of a downer but I was in a very good mood when I discovered that is how I actually think. NOT a constructive concept. I need to fix that immediately….. πŸ˜‰ I am guessing I will have to learn something about the subject of perfection but that can wait till I have a library card I guess.

I am amazed how many subjects I encounter in my life automatically, or ‘naturally’ that are standard addict issues.

And of course there was the singing lesson. It was wonderful again. There was an excercise where one person stood behind the other. The first had her hands crossed over her heart and the person standing closely behind had her hands in a supporting way under the elbows of the person in front. Both would sing their own tune (made up tones, notes, rhythms) and pay attention to what was happening. The funny thing is that the singing of a pair aligns pretty quickly and becomes a harmony and…. the arms of the person in front open up. I ended up being so grateful that I had my hands stretched out, palms up in a gesture that is both giving and receiving.

During the excercise I had some floating issues with the intimacy (it is actually pretty close and intimate) but I was able to let that be and enjoy the excercise and really experience, well, it sounds funny, but the power of love. My heart opened up and it felt like there was this beautiful white light beaming through our hearts, so peaceful and loving. The room changed into a forest and my hands opened up and it felt like a flower unfolding.

Then we shared and the person I did the excercise with said: it felt like we were in a forest, and it was beautiful and light and then when her arms opened it felt like a flower unfolding.

Isn’t that amazing? I cried happy tears when I heard that. There is so much more in the contact between people than is commonly known or spoken about. I’ve experienced before that feelings, dreams and even thoughts communicate without words through senses that I do not know the name of. Is it me? No, I am guessing this happens to everybody but I think not everybody is aware of it or comes in situations where they are able to experience it.

What was big for me is that my heart worked. My heart chakra (?) has been stuck for years and now it opened up and flowed and that was good. Thankful and happy. So many good things happening. Also: I only once of twice did a tiny leap into sadness or blocking the happiness with sad thoughts. I did do a little blocking with being uncomfortable but that washed away in the happiness too.

I go to bed earlier. Because I want it. And even if there’s part of me whining on wanting to finish this movie or that episode. But possibly also because I do not blog in the evening anymore. I’ve set my alarm again. I’ve biked in the nasty weather today for 15 km while I could have easily cancelled.

One thing I am not so proud of: I can not stand to be with certain people anymore. People that I perceive as having a negative energy. Don’t know how to keep it outside me and it scares me. And I can’t read anything that I perceive as whining and moaning or not searching for truth. Not sure if this is another phase in having to deal with projecting my own dark side on others or that I am choosing to live healthier and therefore want to stay away from ‘bad’ people. Or both. If you have an inkling as to how this might work I am happy to hear from you. Happy to hear from you anyway but I still do not imagine people actually read entries that are this long. πŸ˜€

Happy that I quit, although the happy is now moving towards happy that I experience things differently now I quit so the enormously-relieved-that-I-quit feeling is slowly being replaced by the results of the quitting. And so does the pride. Pride comes up ever so now and then when I get an insight in stuff that I knew I would never have been be able to deal with when drinking. And when I get a compliment about having quit.

And before I push the send button just a quick Ctrl-F on the world ‘should’. I counted 9 in total of which 3 unconsciously / outside the ‘should’ paragraphs.