Clinging to the non-clinging (?!)

This morning I wrote the previous post ‘Dying is not the problem – sort-of= ish‘ And when re-reading it I found what I had noticed earlier that I write about ‘upholding the status of not clinging’ which, in grown up terms would probably refer to non attachment but in my specific issue here it was not ‘just’ attachment, it was clinging. So I call it clinging.

“Now the practise for me is to maintain and uphold the status of ‘not clinging’ insight in daily life. Ghegheghe….. guess that will take some practise since we live in a world where clinging, wanting, striving is very much stimulated as a tool to ‘make you happy’. “

Did anyone notice the strangeness of upholding ‘not clinging’. Contradictio in adjecto much? To really arrive back again (?) at the place where I had this beautiful, freeing insight I guess I should exactly NOT be clinging to the non-clinging. 😀 New Task. Can be done I guess, it is like letting the train of an urge to drink pass by without attaching. And then for every train, no matter what is on it. Hihihihihi…. easy peasy ?????!!!

” Then what would I do in Life?? If I do not cling, if I do not have opinions? What is left of me?” Shouted the caddis I am. A caddis is a larvae of some insect, it lives under water and gathers all kinds of pieces of ‘rubbish’ which get built into a armour to protect its delicate skin, its life. I feel I do that with fears, with experiences, with well, whatever; building an outer armours to fend new experiences off. To not be touched, not be hurt again. My system reacts as if touching, in the sense of being touched equals pain for me. Seems to be an addicty trait. But disconnecting and carrying rubbish around also hurts. 🙂

kokerjuffer

Things are shifting, things have shifted in the last 3,5 years. Very slowly the armour gets lighter. Sometimes it gets heavier but that also means clearer. The systems that uphold the armour and the systems which are uphelt by the armer get clearer and lose their energetic intensity. Or, when getting more intense, they also get clearer.

I am still reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ from Cheri Huber but now 2-4 pages a day. I’m at the part where I need to understand (WTF) I need to do with my life if I do not criticise myself and put me down.

Live without attachment to the outcome. Or so they say. Currently not exactly sure that is what Cheri says. I’m not there yet. I need to practise the feel of that more in order to continue reading. Possibly I need to re-read stuff. How do other people do that? I have friends who read several books a month. I can’t. Too intense. My cells don’t shift so quickly.

A lot of books are written on the subject of not attaching. I have read a few. I am guessing this is one of those experiences I need to feel through in combination with some exploration by the mind. I am thinking today I found a good experience to remember and hopefully to re-experience. My heart however is still shifted into a cramp and I keep on burping.

It is time to go to bed. In addition to writing the above I need to add here that since a few weeks I am taking added Iodine and some Schuessler salts. The salts are specifically for letting go. Some of them help me lose water weight too. Which…..  I am not sure (I am VERY SURE) if I am fooling myself because I eat a bag of chips and some very salty cheese in really hot weather without drinking a lot and then go ‘Whoops, I need to shed waterweight because my feet are swelling up’. Abuse, just comes easy to me. It could be a song. But I am learning. Right now my heart (!!!) softly tells me: you do not have to write that. No need, let go.

I feel my heart is coming alive again. Today I walked up 4 long stairs and I was a little out of breath and my heart was pumping. My first reaction was fear but then I remembered the pride I used to feel as a child in the strength of my body and everything changed. The air I was taking in was not a desperate gasp but life bringing oxygen. The pumping of my heart not a desperate attempt to stay alive but the strong beating of a heart which joins with the body to do work.

Did I tell you the hug-buddy missed me and invited himself back over. Hmmm, it is like an addiction; stop for a while without really pulling out the root of the desire…. the attachment deepens when you re-connect again. And yes, I know, when it comes to man-women things that comparison could be perceived a little awkward…. But I guess that is the revengeful bitch in me speaking. Pulling out roots. Ghegheghe… did not do that.  That sounds weird too. Gonna leave it in here thought because I resorted to a little aggressive behaviour and this comparison is part of that. Same shit as talking about pulling out roots. Not good. Ramadan coming up next Tuesday, no hugging with the hug-buddy so he says. That is good -> talk time.

I am grateful I do not drink anymore. A few posts ago I wondered about my sobriety. I have reset my wish for sobriety and clarity, newly expressed it to myself and that feels way better. I guess I was taking it for granted like ‘3,5 years no problem, what’s gonna happen to me now’. But that is not sobriety. I need intent to become clear. Move beyond only the not drinking. Not drinking is only a ‘tool’. Or more like an area of destructive behaviour I should not move into when I want to become clear. I guess today the experience of being able to, for a certain amount of time, be conscious of letting go of attachment to my dying brother has helped me with that. Being clear is good.

Thank you for reading. I wish you a good sober day or evening or weekend! Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

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1 Day without beta blockers!

Yeah! Yesterday I did one full day without beta-blockers. Last night I had this wonderful experience of muscles relaxing all over the top of my back. And this might sound even more weird than anything I have written but the top of my spine seemed to be part of the universe. And the other way around, the whole universe seemed to fit in my spine. You know this feeling when you gaze at the stars and you feel tiny and big and connected at the same time? That, in my spine. Don’t know what it means, apart from a feeling of connection – which is very soothing. I feel more at ease in the world since I realised that I am made of particles that are as old as the universe. Isn’t that a wonderful realisation?

Did not sleep well, cat trying to wake me up every 2 hours but still better than with beta blockers. As a side effect they interfere with sleeping patterns… which is a very good idea for people with stress – isn’t it? Well, I should have listened to my gut and quit booze when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in the first place. Well, I did, and then after two weeks when my blood pressure was back to 140 I started drinking again. Smart… And it quickly became way, way worse than it was actually. I had that jojo effect that people experience with loosing weight with booze too: in a ‘oooh, I’ll never drink again’ mode I would quit. After 3-4 days I would think I could moderate and after 6 days I would be drinking the same amount again, plus 1 or 2.

Allan Carr explained in the Stop smoking book that moderating smoking leads to a confirmation of the addiction because during moderating people start to enjoy what they have missed more. So the path to addiction is engraved in the soul. That worked the same for me with alcohol. I have difficulty quitting the beta blockers now because I have almost run out of them. If I would take 2 a day I have 2,5 days left. That scares me. If I think about that I get nervous and afraid. While actually I still have a load of the 50mg pills laying about but I don’t want to take them. It is somehow a funny control thing now to quit while I am actually scared to quit. I could imagine along these control lines one could become addicted to weight and food control too. I am a sissy when it comes to health. And the leaflet says; ‘don’t just quit, that might cause you to die instantly.’ Which might be true if you take 200mg twice a day for a serious heart condition but I am such a sissy that I fear it could be me. However. 1 Day without pills and I am feeling fine. 🙂 Hey, I had a universe in my spine! 😀

The days (maybe and maximum 2 weeks) leading up to the stopping I drank a shitload. Specifically the last evening. Just to make sure that I would never have that idea of ‘I have not had my last drink.’ And it worked. I don’t have that. Actually I left the last half (ok, quarter) glass of my last bottle of wine in the glass because with the brainwashing I did while drinking on my last evening I could not drink it anymore. The glass, with the dried up wine and fungi now has a place on my mantelshelf. And yes, I do hide it when I have visitors.

Still going strong on the Schuessler cell salts, I do believe they help me. I have not felt as relaxed in years. So that’s good. Just need to feel my way through when to stop with them. Not now because I am in the quitting process of the beta-blockers. The person I got the first salt from said: take them as you desire, but if you want a guideline; 4 a day, spread out and a maximum of 15. I like that. Feel my way through it. That’s what I can do.

And now some food and the book of Louise Hay on listening to your (well, mine) inner voice.

Happy that I quit. Generally happy-ish. Realising that I need to get a move on with my life. My inner voice is ‘nagging’ and I am guessing that it does so because there is a hurry. Yesterday I threw an online tarot in order to, well, I guess, shut my inner voice up but it worked out to say the exact same thing; financial disaster if you do not get a move on.

I want: to write another blog post on my inner voice.

I need: FOOD!!! Have not eaten yet.

Yeah! Blood pressure lower than WITH medicine…

Yeah, just visited the GP and had my blood pressure measured and it is 10 points lower!!! That would be 10 points lower than WITH the 50mg of beta blockers I was taking. According to my plan I am down to 2 times 1/2 a 25mg a day but yesterday I only did 1 times and today I have not taken any yet. My blood pressure is still down 10 points from what it was before I started tapering (is that the word?) / ‘moderating’ the beta blockers.

Hurray for the Schussler salts, hurray for not drinking alcohol, hurray for getting fresh air and walking outside for at least half an hour but mostly an hour a day.

The beta blockers actually, on long term, stimulate the high blood pressure because the side effects are that you sleep bad, put on weight, are just less motivated to do stuff and retain water. And I have slept well-ish for a few nights now. I still wake up a lot of times but in between I have really slept. And that’s new since the first Schussler salt I took.

Kewl stuff. Check here the boring, medical, (a little too detailed but)  precise data on Schussler cell salts, just google anything else for more readable stuff. Also funny is googling on facial features that go with the lack of the minerals. And if you do that in Dutch and look at the pictures you get this.

Happy that I quit. Proud too. I have this ‘I AM A WARRIOR!!’ feeling over me now this blood pressure is going down too. Kewl.

What I want: is for things to be easy. ‘Like that’s gonna ever happen….’ But maybe, maybe this is like I did the happy about drinking too? Maybe I should not be focussing on the unhappy / difficult because that is a mindset that attracts unhappy and difficult. Maybe I should do a little brainwash and see things as easy. I mean, quitting drinking worked out to be easy when I just did it AND brainwashed my to feel happy about it. Hmmmm, let’s see if that road can lead to stuff.

What I need is: food because I have not eaten yet and it is 13:00 hours.

Have a nice day! 🙂