Again I have fallen into the sugar trap. This time with 2 pieces of chocolate but Grrrrrr!!!! I would not have thought this could influence me but obviously it is the fluctuation in sugar levels that gets to me. Constantly 5 pieces of chocolate does not have an effect. No sugar for a week and then to 2 pieces does have an effect.
Feeling down, depressed, feeling like I have been drinking (for the record: I have not), feeling lousy, useless, berating myself at high speed; waste of space. Feel like I wanna give in and nothing matters anymore. Fuck I hate this. I’ve been here before and shit I don’t want to be here.
It is half an hour later. I learned from watching Recover 2.0 online conference where Tommy Rosen speaks with Dr. Rosy Kuhn. She says something along the lines of: we look at what people want to reach and then at the obstacles that keep them from getting there. And again I realise that whenever I am in a shithole I go ALLLLLLLLLL the way. Just feeling sad is not enough, I need at least some serious berating and destructive thinking to finish it off. She speaks of restless, irritable discontent. I don’t want to be there. Hell no. I rather have serious self destruct than that pfffflllllll grrrrr blehgh feeling. Hmmm, I realise now that restless, irritable and discontent for me means feeding time. Lack of sugar in the brain. Guess the subject of the day is sugar. And despite the negative consequences and despite actually disliking the taste of the chocolate I ate today (my second favorite chocolate… so, pffff, beats me) I know I still will eat it again.
Aaah! Google autocomplete says that restless, irritable and discontent are often searched together with ‘big book’. Ghegheghe… it’s an addict thing. No, it’s a human thing and people fix it with their own solutions. Guess it is time to finish the Rosen – Rosy interview. :-). Aaah, we avoid them with substances, attitudes and emotions. Right. Count me in!
We need to see what is on the other side of restless, irritable and discontent and everything else is either avoiding, denying or distracting. Yep.
She speaks of families having a paradigm and it being build by believes and attitudes and all kinds of things. Parts of our paradigm that was securely put in place was: Men are obsessed with sex and they’ll do anything to have it and women are victims. Both my parents believed that and actually acted out that story themselves. It is the part that I struggle with the most these days. Want to let go, can’t let go, want to let go, can’t let go. Pffff…. Nasty territory.
Rosen and Rosy continue: ‘I think people think there is a There; ‘When I get There, I’ll never make those mistakes again, when I get There I’ll be happy and live will be easy.’ Hell yeah, when I get There I will be nice and loving and I will have lost about 25 kilo’s at the least and I will be rich and have no problem with dealing with my finances. And of course there will be this loving man who gives no problems and takes of when I need alone time.
Noticing how you choose to choose what you choose. Wow! If you have not seen her, take a chance to do that now. :- ) I’m not finished watching yet but it is bedtime here. I would have never thought I would like somebody with such an intellectual approach to working shit out. I’m at 29 minutes in the video and I do still distrust that absolute use of mind in her but what she says really connects. Interesting.
Thank you for reading. 🙂 I guess I have somehow stepped out of my misery of earlier this evening.
I am happy that I quit and scared that I get into difficulty so easily. And frustrated because I don’t want to give up sugar. Not sure why because it is poison and I don’t really like real sweet stuff. Ooh, yeah: I am bored with the lack of tastes I am experiencing in daily life so I guess it is time for some Asian spiced cooking.
I want: to go to bed. It has been a long, eventful day.
I need: to sleep.
I take: some Schuessler tissue salt on feeling not wanted.