Don’t you come near my white tower!

Twerski again. Not sure how to read this book. The crux is obviously not in the just reading it but in the doing stuff with it, discovering errors in thinking and internalizing a new, healthy approach. That is what I want. Well, that is what I was looking for.

And then I read it and I go berserk. First paragraph of the Foreword. Berserk!!! Not even written by Twerski. Feel attacked, feel like professionals in their white tower trying to make money of addicts.* I continue and very much dislike his tone and the way he has this smirk about how smart he is and how he knows it all. Projected, obviously but I don’t even have the quiet in my hands and head to pick up the book and look for an offending sentence – which in itself is a stupid thing to do but if I found one it would prove me right and that would be Very Good because if I am right I am superior!!! . Yeah!!!

It is quite well, not fully informative yet, but at least quite surprising how I sit here having a fight to this extent with a book and a man I don’t know. 🙂 Shiiiiiit.

Just googled him, that settles my anger. He is this beautiful man with a white beard and in none of the photo’s he looks to say ‘I am Mr smarty pants’. I just see peace and quiet. Now I can read. Guess I have to start over again. 😉

 

*And I did a, not so much Freudian slip, but a slip of some sort with this sentence. This was the first version of it: ‘Feel attacked, feel like professionals trying to make money of addicts in their white towers.’ Ghegheghe. 😀 Don’t you come near my white tower!!!

Happy-ish that I quit. Not proud of my aggression. And disappointed, thought that everything was going easy-peasy, works out that I actually have to do stuff. Again! Pfffff…… 😉

The Plan

WHY

I need to start planning my life because it just does not happen and monnies are getting tight. I normally do a lot of planning and I get into a mode where I plan the whole world. It gives me endless possibilities, the sky is the limit. And I never follow up. This is the part for me where the going gets tough. Easy peasy to not drink when not doing stuff. Let’s see how I do while having A Plan. The Plan.

I need to learn to plan and work to plan otherwise I will reincarnate as, I don’t know, somebody that has no control over his/her life (very much like me actually). Ieeeeehks. Better fix it now. And I need the plan to working otherwise I might get demotivated, and I have no skills in the area of being demotivated. So might as well take care I do not go there.

I have a set of unproductive concepts in my mind. Neither of these is true but they shape my thoughts, intentions and actions:

– I can do anything.

– I am better than anybody at anything – if I set my mind to it.

– If I can’t do it immediately I am sure I can not do it at all.

– I have no skills in the area of being demotivated.

– I have never worked for something.

– Perfection is for the people, I can do better than perfection.

– I can’t do anything.

– I have no right to live or be happy.

– I have a tendency to always do exactly what I should NOT be doing. Like writing down exactly how I will corrupt The Plan with the above concepts.

LEARN

1 Plan realistically. Follow gut feeling. Plan less in stead of more, do not push it.

2 Do stuff, see what happens and try to see how the above concepts hinder me.

3 Set the alarm every 15 minutes to check state of mind, relax, watch out for demotivation and lack of happiness and see if I actually follow up on the plan. I am guessing this takes other skill than my organically grown laissez faire approach.

4 Have a non-drinking back-up plan because everybody seems to have one and it probably makes my GP3 happy. I would not want her to think that she’s my only back-up. That is not a good thing, it does not stimulate a good relation. I have put the AA hotline in all my phones. I guess GP3 and my therapist would like to see a better backup plan. I don’t feel like a bigger backup plan yet. I am not AA ready yet.

GOAL

The goal is a healthy mind, spirit and body. I would like to live responsibly, carry my own weight, add to the world, following my path, whatever that is. For now it is making A Plan. And all of this is obviously without alcohol or sugar.

In the plan I do not put everything (NEW) but just put what bugs me most and is in the way of my GOAL. In the plan are: BODY, MIND AND BOOKS TO READ, SPIRIT, DAILY LIFE, RELAXING, THE PLAN itself. Things listed are sort of ‘in order of relevance’, but not always.

BODY

I want to get the nutrients in to repair the damage done and also to kill the urges and cravings upfront to ensure sobriety. Also I need to restore my memory and my ability to focus. Deal with the nutrient side of depression, paranoia and axiety. I can not do a job with the brain I have now. And… my scalloped tongue seems to mean that I can not take in nutrients, that is dangerous.

1 Keeping clean, nutrients approach, make summery of book – speak with GP on tongue as well,

2 Restory memory and focus, nutrients approach and look for restoration techniques online.

3 Loose weight: no losing weight on purpose. Just eat healthy. Make stuff myself, low on the E-numbers, high on vegetables, NO sugar. NO hunger. 1 Meal at the table, no books, no computer, no television. Adjust below times in weeks to come to earlier. I need to eat often to keep my blood sugar level even.

9:00 Vegetable juice for breakfast

11:00 Brunch

15:30 Lunch

19:00 Dinner

21:00 Nuts, boiled egg or cheese

4 See GP every 2-3 weeks.

5 Run 2 times a week; 1 one Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and once in the weekend.

6 Plan walks and bicycle rides with friends in the newly discovered wood.

7 Work with friend nutritionist on changing ‘Seven Weeks to sobriety’ into a diet for me.

8 Solve high blood pressure, get rid of blood pressure pills.

 

ON MIND / BOOKS TO READ

1 Be happy and proud.

2 Make an extract from ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’ for GP3

3 Do online Alcohol Top training every 2-3 days.

4 Set alarm clock every 15 minutes to check how the current activity fit into The Plan.

5 Google stuff I don’t know about like the ‘I can do anything syndrome’

6 Read ‘Get sober, stay sober’

7 Read AA book

8 Purchase and read ‘Addictive thinking’

9 Keep reading blogs you don’t like. Try to work out what your aversion is and if and how it links back to the AA book and the addictive thinking book.

10 Go to an AA meeting within 4 weeks from tomorrow. Call first to learn about different groups. Choose 3 groups.

 

SPIRIT

Dunno. Meditate? Read blogs? See therapist? Write blog?

1 Read dream, healing and Sjaman books

2 Connect with people. Hi!!!! Here you are! Between the books and the headbord (?) Pay special attention to starting a conversation.

3 Connect with nature.

4 Make headboard to bed so I can sit up and write dreams without getting out of bed.

5 Watch Gabor Maté on YouTube.

 

ON DAILY LIFE

1 Get into a cleaning mode, clean 15 minutes a day in one run, standard cooking cleaning is not included.

2 Start chucking out rubbish 15 minutes a day in one run. Choose from: clothes, books, paperwork, atelier, sock drawers, cellars, attick, kitchen cupboards, bathroom, rubbish cupboard, balconies.

3 On using your money skills: pick up training for new drawing programm. Make appointment for within 2 weeks with other students.

 

ON RELAXING

Relax when things do not go according to plan. Relax, breathe, drink water. In order to relax more I should: slow down, take more time to think during a day, think of spiritual things and personal learning, burning candles or incense works very well for me to realise that I should take it easy. Nature relaxes me. Reminding myself that I need to relax relaxes me. However, I do not realise that I get up-tight because I have not had more than 3 minutes of relaxation a month in the last years. Only now I stopped drinking I can relax just a little. Relaxing is a big issue. How do people do that? Running relaxes me. Yoga relaxes me. And I don’t do them. Hmmm….

I am guessing I will not be relaxed until I have a outlook at income again. But just that thought. There is a little place in my head that can think about work but I worry about my memory. The work that I am closest to requires a shitload of brainpower and precision. It is just not there. I think I read a book with attention and the next day I can read it again and it is all new. I think this because I have too little mental exercise but I know me, with this brain I can not even write an application letter, let alone do a job interview.

1 Drink vegetable juice in the sun on the balcony every morning

2 Set an alarm every half an hour and note how I feel right then. Try to relax when not relaxed.

3 Burn candles and incence 😀

4: 15 minutes Yoga in the afternoon every day, look to add more time

5: 1 Outing into nature every 2 weeks

6: Have 1 sauna outing at least every 3 weeks.

7: See therapist once every 2-3 weeks.

8: Plan walking and biking holiday with friends

9: Running.

10 Try 1 different recipe a week.

11 Plan bordgame evenings again, within now and 4 weeks.

12: Continue bio-snack outing, once every 2 week

13: Organise money stuff. 30 Minutes a week on Thursdays.

14: Find a job.

 

ON THE PLAN

Spend 5 minutes per day on the plan. Keep in mind either build, maintain or getting rid of stuff. Start to add timelines if this does not work. Report every day.

Blogging, just like real life, well sort of.

Ghegheghe, I’ve only been out in the sober blog world for about 2 weeks and as you might have read I noticed from day 4 or 5 that I had sort of replaced drinking with being online. It takes a hell of a lot of time to write, check, rewrite posts and commenting. Which is good, time spent thinking is time without drinking, or so. 😀 But the time it takes and ooh, the commenting to other peoples posts; making sure I get all the I-statements right, deleting all the preaching, deleting all the smartass replies, deleting all the non of the ‘I’ve read this book and….’, deleting exclamation marks and uppercase, deleting all the jokes that might be misunderstood or go down the wrong way. It takes ages. I have not come to writing ‘I’ in lower case, that seems to be A Thing but I don’t understand The Thing, and looking at my character I guess it takes about 37 years before I can change to lowercase. Sigh and sigh.

And even then… yesterday I replied with something on my brainwashing technique; if I notice negative repetitive thoughts I try to reverse them, see what it does to me, see where it hangs onto etc. I thought I saw somebody losing energy on repetitive negative thinking so I explained how I try to deal with that. And she replied: Yes! I’ll try to think more positive! Which of course is what, somewhere down the line, I said, but shit, I would never, ever, ever!! tell somebody that they ‘just need to cheer up and think positive’. Sorry Annie! It’s a can of worms and I think that maybe I should not be pulling them open unless I’ve got my power issues fixed. I feel so clumsy in this field. But how can I fix my issues if I don’t live? Go out, meet people, blog, reply? I wish I could say my intentions are good but having a major issue with power…. they happen to be not. It’s not that I deliberately try to out power people and have the intent to hurt, but I need to really take action not to. Guess that’s good-ish. Now get the knowledge, practise the skills.

Why? Because I want to be here, it is good for me. And I want to be able to comment, I want to try to share, learn to take in and take out equally. I don’t want to have written a comment, read back and think; I am not helping, I am just showing off, making sure I am noticed. Helping in itself of course is tricky because it also says: I know this stuff better than you / you are not coping, I see that. Or maybe, very maybe that is not that bad, to lend a hand so now and then. Dunno yet. I guess it’s all about the intentions. Got some work to do.

Once we went on a holiday where we kept scores of the people in the group. I ended up nr 1, 2 and 3 in the helpful category and nr 1, 2 and 3 in the anti-social category. Looking back, the anti-social behaviour was all about booze…

Soooooo, hey! I’m perfect now!!! 😀

Well, this is my blog helloooo. I can do the smartass stuff here.