Thoughts on abuse, love and healing in relationships

The hugbuddy is back from being on a trip to another side of this globe. Having had a cool down time was good but hugs are better. πŸ™‚

And now I wonder: what is a relation actually? Do I like him for who he is? (or) Do I like how he makes me feel? Do I like how we feel/are together?

It is strange. Due to his and mine circumstances I am not ready to go anywhere with this further than, well, some sexy hugging. But you and I know that if this continuous long enough at least one of the buddies (bodies?) will fall in love.

I like him. But he’s more than 15 years younger and I feel a fool over that. All is well when we are together but not when I add the ‘rest of the world’ to this, that is when I feel stupid for liking him. The rest of the world includes his estranged wife out of an arranged marriage. FYI: they have been living apart for years now, little to no contact. Does that make it ok? I do no not know.

All the howevers together: he makes me feel good. I feel at ease with him, he spots any kind of stress in me immediately. Reminds me in a not spiritual but spiritual way that I should not focus on the negative. He appreciates being with me deeply without funniness about how I should be different. And I am testing boundaries in that with not shaving. Yes, you heard me; not, not anywhere. Self-protection too; either body, leg, stomach, armpit, ass crack hair shames me into not going any further than some sexy hugs… Or… it will force him (and me!!) into accepting me AS I AM; ‘flawed’, hairy, not willing anymore to be somebody I am not, not the one who uses cultural shame to turn me into somebody who is ‘ever ready and available’. No, not the smelly hairy; the just came out of the shower hairy.

All of my relations have been oneS where I felt exactly NOT appreciated as I am. Every man struggled with this specific me-ness, the special Feeling flavour so to say. At first attracted by it and then repelled. But then again, I never appreciated me as I was and I am thinking that might reflect back into relations with the world. No, not blaming me for others being an asshole. Or yes, maybe I do. :-/ Have not worked that out, felt that through, thought about it.

All in all, this well, whatever it is with the hugbuddy: Do I like being with him because he makes me feel good? Or do I like him regardless of any benefits? Do I like him regardless of possible negatives?

Or is all this wondering about how things work of no use? And is the biology of being together a healing process in itself, which is why it is nice. Biology always makes good things feel nice. πŸ™‚ ❀ The pure nice, not the addicted nice.

I can see things, physical things, emotional things, spiritual things in him heal when he is with me and being held. He lets go ofΒ  a lot of shame and pain when he is with me. Awful experiences get vented, get air, can transform, neutralise.Β  And the same with me. At first it irritated me a little, thinking ‘I am not your mother’. And then I realised that I could just let things be and help another person in distress. There is a lot of holding space going on. That what has been damaged in the symbiosis can be repaired in the symbioses.

He is very specific in asking physical things: ‘Can you please massage my shoulder there?” Or: “Can you please put your thumbs next to my spine.” I do not know how to do that. At first I was offended. Then I thought: I am only offended because I do not dare to ask that. πŸ™‚ So I thought being with him will teach me how to. By now I am becoming more vocal about what I do not like. I never knew there are very many ways I do not like to be touched. I do not like to be grabbed. That is just a one way ticket into the physical and mental memory of abuse and I move out of my body! Never knew that so clearly as I do now.

It made me wonder what grabbing actually is. To me grabbing is taking hold of a body or part of a body for your own interest, with no consideration for or real interest in the other. Sex can easily turn into a grabbing match. The play with grabbing can even be kinky – but without intimacy and interest in the other it is destructive. Drunk sex can be specifically grabby. Not sure if I can recall well. Gosh, bad joke.

Now I am coming to the part in my life where I have to learn to stand up and be specific about my wishes in physical contact. Long time ago I realised that for me, there is rape and there is self-rape. 😦 If now, I can not stand grabbing while being in a situation that is potentially safe – I do not speak up for myself to stop the grabbing, I go into self-rape mode.

Self rape mode is such a fucking infuriating, frustrating phase of abuse!!! First one gets stripped of self, self-protection, self-care, worth. Not saying that abuse makes a person lose worth. Never! But the purpose of the abuser is to make that appear so and often the victim is not strong enough to fight that. The abuser knows this and that is why the victim gets picked and broken. The victim of child abuse is hardly ever 6 feet 7 muscly 120 kilo guy from fighting club or biker gang, it is the young child which is vulnerable and can not fight back. And that is why the predator picks them. They never take on people the can not ‘win’ from. A sick combination of fear and lust spurs them on and cunning thinking of a sex addict with a liking for perverted sex* within helps them to do what they do and often get away with it. In more judgmental wording: they are cowards. * Please note I write sex addict with a liking for perveted sex in order not to give the impression that I think all sex addicts are child abusers. The vibes I got from my abusers where strong vibes of addiction: knowing things are wrong but not being able to work against what they were doing.

Predators will threaten with more violence or more of the bad stuff if you do not go along. This is also a way to make the victim submit: “You did it yourself.” They strip a person of everything, they can not ‘be’ with a person when the other person has value, so the value must go. For me, to come out of the feeling of rape and out of self-rape I need to change things around. If I want to heal, it takes Self, self-protection, self-care and – worth to actually go against what is happening. That inversions is so difficult, so frustrating. And, in some childish terms maybe: so unfair. But still. It needs to be done.

They tell you: “Hold still or I’ll hurt you more.” The more I struggled and fought for my life, the more life they need to take away.Β  And now I need to reverse the shutting up, the moving out of my body to moving back in, experiencing it all and speaking out when things don’t go as I want to. :-/ It seems unfair for me to have to do this because of the other persons perverted, corrupted personality. When feeling into this I realise that the really sick ones were victims too. I know that, I feel that with every fiber. I realised it then. I can word and understand it now. But I do not have to carry their burden. Let go. “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” “Destroying me will not make you whole.”

So. Guess the this whole thing with the hugbuddy wakes up more than I realised. I think it is good. I found a hugbuddy who, without being irritated, without questioning kisses my tears away and asks “flashbacks?”

When we touch I do all these exercises of really being there in the moment and experiencing what is going on. He has had his share of abusive situations so he knows pretty well what flashbacks are. So I can explain that somebody pulling my hair gives me flashbacks. He understands. And!Β  He is not irritated over that. πŸ™‚ I have been with a lot of guys who did not understand and felt accused. I guess I used to accuse guys for being guy. I hate man because they have been The Oppressor, always. Now I worked in two different companies where women where The Sexual Oppressor and haha, that has balanced my view. πŸ˜€ Gosh, laughing here. What a shit hole this world is. πŸ˜€

And then I come to my heart. What about my heart? My heart loves him as a person. Not specifically as ‘my’ person. I tend to focus on other things and more or less forget about him when he is not here.Β  Like with a good friend; enjoying time together and then it is ok when they leave too. But on the other hand, I am deliberately reigning in my heart because of marriage, age and culture differences. Again. Did so with the bookstore man, doing this now. Is it good? It is illogical biologically. So that must be a warning that it will lead to painful results. :-/ We shall see.

Why does culture through movies and advertise romantify the missing of the partner part? It seems to turn relation into addiction, as if the more we have of what the other brings us, the better. Like booze to the addict. Romantically cultivating ‘missing him’ feels like addiction. So. Not going there.

Going back to the questions at the beginning of this post:Β  I like the hugbuddy for who he is. I also appreciate how he makes me feel and find the time we spend interesting, fun and healing. But the making me feel good is not mandatory. It is added to me, to us, and appreciated. When asked I would say I am interested in seeing how continued contact would enfold but (self)care and openness need to be present in that.

Baby steps!

Ooh, Tarot gave “Love”as an answer to what it is between the hugbuddy and me. But then again: so it did with the bookstore man. So… well. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. My life is difficult right now. So far no work and no money because I go into freeze when dealing with the social security. I did…. however ask for help and kept on asking till I got it. Which is strange because again I have to be strong exactly when I am not.

I feel like I am in a transition time, everything shifts. On second I experience my inner world to be one of no outlook anywhere. My inside world shows nothing but flames all around me burning, burning, burning. The next I am understanding the energetic workings of abuse, really seeing what happened in situations and breaking free of bond that kept me there. By the way, this is also very much due to reading Bethanyk’s blog ‘Not my secret.’ She writes about horrific abuse and says: it is NOT MY SECRET. As I say:Β  “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” Taking off the shame, refusing to accept the shame that predators put on her helped me realise how this works in me. Again many thanks to a person who walks this path before me and reaches back with writing. <3.

A woman who loves herself would love herself….. Would edit this post so it can be understood better. I have done so as far as I can manage now. I guess when the dust settles, I will organise. Or not. I am not taking time to let the post rest. So I hope it reaches you well.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Friday and weekend.

xx, Feeling

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How we fall in love

Or how to choose a partner wisely. Food for thought.

I am happy that I quit.Β  Still feeling a bit under the weather, went home from work yesterday because still not ‘there’. My throat does not heal. not sure why. Think the argument I had with my boss is still there. Need to work it out.

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling