Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. πŸ™‚ The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made β€˜over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. β€˜Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of β€˜just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)😦 I am at loss.😦 Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.😦
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❀

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. πŸ™‚

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. πŸ™‚ Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. πŸ™‚ Shake off the unnecessary stuff. πŸ™‚

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling


Free online summits

The free online summit Recovery 2.0 will start again on Wednesday the 14th! Yay!

For those who are new to online summits:

  • interviews of 30 to 90 minutes with people are knowledgeable in their field
  • every interview is available for 24 hours online
  • mostly all the interviews are available again the last weekend/2 days
  • free of charge (but you will be guided along pricelists for buying the information for keeping)
  • informative, beautiful, experiences
  • keep your notebook (printscreen button?) at hand so you can draw up a To Read booklist.

In the Recovery 2.0 online summit do not miss out on Dr. Gabor MatΓ©, he might give off aΒ  difficult to watch impression of severe depression but please listen him out. He knows his stuff.


Just found this and I am very excited! Caroline Myss speaks with great clarity about vage energetic feeling stuff. YES! She says things like ‘Recognising the signs that your body gives off is a basic survival skill’. Amen to that! I imagine: this is where we got ill from alcohol and did not listen. πŸ™‚ Also she says that feelings are important indicators. YES, my kind of summit. Hope to get some clarity there. I am good at feeling, bad at losing myself in it. πŸ™‚

Wishing you all beautiful learning opportunities.

I am happy that I quit otherwise I would have never gotten to this intuition summit and I think I need to learn stuff there.

A woman who loves herself would listen to her body and go to the toilet instead of typing here. She would also clean the house after that so she can feel good about herself. And she would QUIT eating chocolate because the bloodpressure is sky high with these heat and bad sleep here.


xx, Feeling

Watch your intentions

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

Monday last week I was 23 months sober and I celebrated that by ordering very much needed sandals. I had worn out my last Teva’s, to the thread and am now skipping happily on my new ones. ❀  πŸ™‚ ❀ Yay! Yes, I wrote about that before but I am so happy with them! They are a sober gift to me which I can wear all day. πŸ™‚

In those 23 months I have seen may sober bloggers close their blog or disappear for a while to resurface with a header saying ‘day 1’. I am always happy when people return. Day 1 is infinitely better than drinking. And then again: I would advise anybody to only start day 1 when they are ready. Unless not being ready is given in by the addict. I made sure I had my last drink and KNEW it. I sort of mind fully drowned myself in alcohol, taking such a ‘dose’ that I would be sure I had enough. I did. I have the feeling my last drink is more than 23 months behind me. I (mainly) do not feel like I have another drink in me. Which is very comforting. I knew it was essential for me to only quit after I had had my last drink so I went looking for that. Which, yes, might sound very much like an addict making an excuse to drink. Not sure, I decided I would quit by myself one day, and then within 2 weeks I found my last drink. I actually think I did not bullshit myself there. I worked towards that last drink and after that did not drink again. Yuck, even the thought repels me. Brrrrr.

But still….. I have been wondering about learing sobriety and I have through the months realised that it goes in layers. First layers I did on the excitement of the do or die choice, on the power that is in hitting rock bottom and knowing it. Then the pink cloud kicked in big time so I was even more excited. πŸ™‚ Through the first few weeks, months there were tiny moments, mainly seconds, where cravings or drink think popped up. Already then I thought ‘This goes in waves.’ but now I realise that it is indeed a process of uncovering the drinking behaviour, the drink think and the intentions. Layer after layer, which might be why at some moments in life it feels like I have to start ‘all over again’. Like I am new to life and living.

Well, that is when I ran into this poem / tile / quote which I actually twisted a bit to fit the purpose:

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

When getting sober / not drinking I learned to mind all these 3 levels. My intention was to ‘get clear’. I did not want the addiction between me and the world anymore. I did not want to feel that I had to lie and drink to protect myself. That meant I had to change my thinking and my actions. πŸ™‚ Well, I did. And yeah, that is when the transfer addictions came in but I now take these as a part of the process. Obviously I could not do it differently otherwise I would have done it differently.

That is all for today. Bedtime again. I am still not writing about the horrible week I had at work. I fell into every trap of self flagellation there is and my boss happily joined me to rub it all in. I almost gave up my job, realising that the environment had become even more hostile than I am towards me. That is not good. I work, well, for the money, but also to get myself out of the darkness I was in. Last week I walked into it. All about trusting me, well, not trusting me. No confidence, nowhere, nothing, gone. I have had a 2 day weekend so it the dust has settled a little and I, bhwahahaha, I thought I could say ‘I see now’. I don’t see now, people told me that I should see now that it is not all that bad what I do. I do not believe it for a sec. I need to be perfect, ‘otherwise they don’t love me and I have no right to exist’. It is life threatening to me not to be perfect. 😦 Well, I am at a good place to learn to deal with it and I need to do soon otherwise not the outside world will do me in, but I will. Well, not literally, but this is how it feels. Again: things come in layers. Obviously somewhere I am not doing something. With this job with this destructive management I never know if I should quit or learn to deal. I have asked a colleague of mine to remind me that it is an adult thing to do to get another job before I give up this one. Bwaaaahahahaa, that would be a first.

😦 / πŸ™‚ Gosh…. black and white, impulsive, no emotional control, extremist in anything. πŸ˜€ Well, I’ll get there one day. :-).

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Ooh, imagine having to do this with alcohol. Nasty. Don’t imagine; it is not good. Not drinking = good. πŸ™‚

Going to bed on time too. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. But do the spellcheck too otherwise she fears that other people might think she is stupid. πŸ˜€ Which is actually a true thought. I also have this fear that people who do not know this is not my first language think I have been drinking when I make spelling mistakes. I throw that thought out of the window anytime it passes. It is good for the records to write it down thought. Get it out of my system. πŸ™‚

So, a wwlh does spellcheck today! πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice beginning of the new week.

xx, Feeling


Abbieinwonderland wrote a beautiful post on sober ‘slogans’ – those things which you repeat or tell yourself in order to either understand something, or motivate yourself. After replying to Abbie I found that I would like to save this text as a post on my own page too. So here it is!

β€œWhat is in the way, is The Way” – which is a recovery slogan from Mary O’Malley who has written a book about it. It sort of means; if you get stressed from not drinking; work on the stress.

β€œI am happy that I quit” – which, gheghe, is obviously β€˜by meβ€™πŸ˜€. I found that being happy about quitting opens a whole different set of possibilities in life in comparison to thinking it is all shitty. If I sit down to moan about it the first thoughts which appear are β€˜Ooh, I might as well drink.’ While when I am happy, I am proud of myself, and happy.:-). The practise of getting to the point of being happy about quitting every day taught me what I actually really felt about it. Which refers back to β€˜What is in the way…’

By the way: I am convinced that the thought that alcohol makes us happy is put in our brains by the alcohol industry/society. It is the result of being brainwashed. I take the time to unbrainwash me so I do not have to white knuckle it. It is the difference between trying to stop an oncoming train by hand or just stepping off the rails and watching it pass by.

β€œWhat would a woman who loves herself do?” – Teal Swan.
Not sure if it is a slogan but I use it repeatedly to find out what is actually going on. I found, with getting sober, that there are so many energetic / feeling currents under the surface which influence me – and which, I think are the ones that would make me drink if I were to drink – that I think it is necessary to become aware of them and to take care of me with that. Asking this question really helps me making sound decisions. At first I thought I would turn to watching movies at night and fat with eating chocolate. It works out that I put chocolate down and go to bed on time.

β€œThe longer I do not drink, the weaker the addict within becomes.”

β€œThe truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – Gloria Steinem
I use this insight / slogan to realise that I am not the only one whose process pisses them off.:-)

β€œIn nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. – Robert Green Ingersoll.
I uses this insight / slogan to stabilize myself when I am hoping for rewards after having done something well or just to make me realise that this is how life works. THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. We have added all kinds of emotions and reward systems to this to guide kids in a β€˜good’ direction but actually this is the only thing it comes down to.

“One moment at the time / The only thing I have to do is to not drink now in this moment.” On moment at the time is ‘my’ version of ‘one day at the time’. The second one comes from my therapist. (Hi :-)) These slogans helped me to go back to the moment I was living in, instead of looking forward, worrying about something in the future. Like the thought ‘Oooh, I can NEVER drink again!’ would sometimes get to me and then I would remember: No, I only do not have to drink right now. I can manage right now. I never liked ‘One day at the time, one day was way too long for me, that already stretches me into the future. When I do that I lose touch with my base and start to feel ‘out of it’ or unhappy or strange in many possible ways.

And there is: β€œWhatever it takes is what it takes.” I think I came up with that. Not sure. It is about thinking β€˜Nah, I don’t really need ALL that self-care, nah, I don’t really, really need to eat healthy, I don’t really, really need to go to bed early because that would be ridiculous, if I were to need so much care…. pfff, that would be very ridiculous. Nobody else does it….’ I answer to myself: whatever it takes is what it takes.

I guess these are / have been the most important for me. Of which obviously the I am happy that I quit practise has helped me most in the beginning while now I start to feel that I need to take care of me on a deeper level and I continue with β€˜What would a woman who loves herself do?’.

Well, I’m going to press the publish button now, but obviously not without saying “I am SOOOOO happy that I quit! 23 Months ago (plus some days) I decided to stop. Shit I was scared but it was a do or die situation to me so I did. And I lived :-). Which, I guess, is good. I bought myself a real real nice pair of Teva sandals because the other ones were worn out after 10 years :-). I actually walked through the sole. πŸ™‚ Is that how you say it? Probably not. I am enjoying every step on the Teva’s :-). Love this brand. Really good collection build up in hardness of the soles and support and durability. Very well done. As a maker of stuff it makes me happy to see brands which actually really think their collection through.

Can’t stop repeating: I am so happy that I quit. It probably sounds cheesy to you all after having heard this so many times but I am. Again and again and again. Life is tough, has been these weeks, more to follow on daily life but I am so happy that I am here and sober and experiencing the ups and downs.

Hope you enjoyed!
xx, Feeling

Chocolate does not equal taking care


Wanting to say thank you to you all who have supported me in that dark period last week. I have learned a lot:

  • What other people say and do belongs to them. I do not have to take it in. I can listen and then decide wether or not to do something with it.
  • My boss is manipulative, mean and destructive. That is what she is. I need to take that seriously and not ‘hope’ that it may be different. Next to that she is also very nice, when it suits her. I do not have to change her. I do not have to take care of others. I only have to take care of myself.
  • Asking for help when in trouble is a good thing.
  • I need to remember my tools when I’m in a shitty situation. That is when I feel I don’t have a right to take care of me.
  • I have a pattern of beating myself up when I do something not to my liking. Beating myself up is not useful. I NEED to learn to also ask WWAWWLHD when in trouble.
  • There is a difference between pampering and taking care of myself. Chocolate does not equal care.
  • I have, in the last months, I guess ever since I quit seeing the bookstore man, stopped with ‘being aware’. I have been eating chocolate and dates, Facebooking, WordPressing and Netflixing. All to be ‘not aware’ of what I feel, of what is going on. I fear that being aware will kill me. But like alcohol, I realise now it is the not being aware that will get to me in the end. I obviously do not lack a sense of drama so to me thinking about changing this attitude feels as big as quitting alcohol. But my goal with quitting beer was to become clear. That includes quitting the other addictive behaviours.

Sometimes it feels like I am so close and other times I drown myself in stupidity. Today I was SO fed up with the dirty state of my house that I cleaned. Wow, that took a long, long time and I am not totally done yet. Every time I wanted to quit and eat chocolate I asked myself WWAWWLHD? And she would clean because she felt bad about an unclean house. πŸ™‚ The whole ‘WWAWWLHD’ is such an eye opener! And ooh yeah, off topic: Teal Swan, the woman who introduced me to the question and who used it for herself for a year, is getting married today. πŸ™‚

I think it has to do with allowing myself to choose for myself. Allowing myself to close off the rest of the world and take care of me. Allowing myself to take care of me. Period. Because I used to think that I was not worth taking care of. I still do, sometimes. But I am starting to realise that taking care of me is the ‘only way out’. πŸ™‚ (Once an addict, always an addict, always wanting ‘out’.) But I guess this is the good way out, because it goes in.

I need to remember: pampering and selfsedating with chocolate and Netflix does not equal caring. I find it hard to step out of (old) patterns. It seems to me that only setting the egg-timer to check up on me works and hanging these ’tiles’ – post-its with questions on my screen and in the toilet helps. How do you do that?

I am HAPPY that I quit in a tired way but realising I would probably not be alive if I had kept drinking. So I guess that is good because I was/am not ready to die yet. πŸ™‚

WWAWWLHD? She would go to bed. Again, no spell check. And yes that might mean that there are strange sentences too, but if I go reading back I will spend another half an hour explaining, thinking, writing. Don’t want that.

Thank you all for reading πŸ™‚ Love to hear how you deal with changing (old) patterns.

xx, Feeling


Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:


That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! πŸ˜€

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. πŸ™‚ Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…Β  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. πŸ˜€ And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

Louis Theroux on drinking on TV Sunday 24

Dear UK people,

 Louis Theroux and Aurelie

Louis Theroux has made a documentary ‘Drinking to Oblivion‘. I’m thinking we all know what he means with that title. :-/ It is on tonight in the UK, on Sunday the 24th at 9:00 (that would be 21:00 I am guessing). I would love to hear what you experienced. Not sure if I can find an online streaming thing to watch it too from The Netherlands.

I am HAPPY that I quit. Hope you are too. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

How is addiction still active in my life

Blegh, exactly the subject I do not want to think, write or speak about bothering me ‘How is addiction still active in my life?’ Good question for me ever so now and then.

Slowly, slowly ever so now and then I can move out of the panic mode that is my usual state of being and get a little peep of the world. Ever since I chose the word Awareness for me to be the word of 2016 I closed down and nothing, nothing, well hardly anything has been happening in the field of growth or progress. I guess I can say I stabelized at work. There has actually been a day that I did not feel like going for a few seconds (NEW!!!) and yesterday I did not feel like working while being there (NEW!!!). Wow, I felt so NORMAL!!! πŸ˜€

Well, I actually feel I should be doing something about not walking in the path of addiction by blogging, Facebooking or Netflixing so I will try to be quick about it.

Addiction, as in ‘ways that I use to not feel what is actually going on with me’ is still active in my:

  • eating 100 grams or more chocolate a day
  • eating several, up to 20 dates a day
  • Blogging, Facebooking and Netflixing for all the hours that I am not working, cooking, biking, walking or social.
  • And I guess my current eating pattern with loads of proteine, which is a comfort food group for me is another addiction thing.

A little more than 18 months ago I decided that I want my goal in life to be ‘clear’. To not have all the hurt, the addiction, the lies, the projections, my family history, well, whatever that is not authentically my higher self, to stand between me and the world. I want to try to return to that state of Awareness where the emotional responses, feelings I have are guidelines, not things that overwhelm me and send me places where I have no control over. First I thought I should become clear by feeling my way back into life. I think that has served me well because my intuition is pretty well developed. Intuition combined with good intent is a strong guide in life. Now I think that being aware of what goes on instead of being dictated by my feelings is more important. So I should develop a, dunno what to call it, maybe a spectator view? I heard people use something with the word ‘meta’ in it. I call it Awareness. Well, I’m looking for that state where I am aware that I am aware. That place where I disconnect from the drama in my life and can actually see how the emotional/physical body which houses my spirit walks the earth. It is a comfortable place in so much that the disconnect brings peace in itself because I do not get thrown about by my feelings. I can look at them. I think it is very much like the difference between looking at an aquarium or being the aquarium.

And while I am trying to describe the feeling, and while doing that trying to sort out what it is I am trying to do, I immediately jump to reasons I should not be doing this.

It is uncomfortable to come back into normal mode with all the knowledge I gained in the disconnect because that is where judgement hits me. I am guessing that is what keeps me from going there. Well, while writing this I am trying to find out why oh why, if the Aware state is so comfortable as I say, I do not always hang out there. Would be logical, not?

Things that pop up: emotions overwhelm me so I forget about it. Also, it takes effort and I don’t always want to make the effort. I want to forget that I am alive. It is funny. This actually sounds very much like addiction. Thought/feel addiction. The other day I found out that my first cold turkey quitting was from thumb sucking. At age 10 or 11. Yes, yes, you don’t think I would have quit that earlier than a Very Late age. Guess it comes with being bottle fed ;-). My mother had tried to convince me to stop, also with use of the dentist who said that it might ‘force my teeth forward’. I did give it a thought, well, mostly I felt guilty and secretly sucked my thumb in bed, thinking I could not do without it ‘because it makes me fall asleep’. Then one summer night, it was still light outside, I realised in another one of those deep realisations, that it only kept me awake. I stopped and never thought of it again.

I used to have a friend, the one who had been on drugs and unfortunately walked the path of selling her body to pay for those. She also got into a psychosis if anybody recals anything I wrote about that. She used to wait for ‘insights’ to change her behaviour. I used to think that was utter bullshit and that she just did not want to do the work that belongs to doing something. Yes. Sorry. Sorry to you, old ex-friend, sorry to the world for using my brain to sow bad energy. Now I think she had a point there. And still my second thought is: maybe I have turned as lazy as she did? Third thought: maybe, maybe quitting takes such a lot of internal organisation that there is no other possibility than to wait for insights. Obviously I can not allow myself to wait for insights, I want it all and I want it now so I need to work on getting the insights. NOW!!! πŸ˜€

Another random thought: lately there has been very little synchronicity happening in my life. Actually, since I stopped seeing the bookstore man, well, since he vanished 7-8 weeks ago spiritual development and synchronicity have stopped. I guess our talkes kept me open for that specific stream of energy which allowed me to experience them. A few days ago he changed his profile photo on FB. He looks like shit but everybody is commenting like ‘ooh you handsome!’ Not sure if the is meant to lift him up or that people are indeed not seeing. Well, in those weeks he was lost I left him 3 messages and he did not reply so his dramatic, claiming comment of ‘You are the only friend who has not left me.’ might indeed have been nothing more than a dramatic, claiming comment. Who knows? Well, I guess I can add ‘Who cares?’ But I do care. A little. And funny enough, I like my life better with the things I learned from being in contact with him then I like my life now.

So, awareness and addiction. I guess they are direct opposites. Which is cool because that means there is learning to be done there. That ‘cool’ is in theory. Not experiencing any of that. Actually I am very uncomfortable with this post and I, haha, will stop thinking about it now. I think I’ll go clean a little.

I am happy that I quit. I guess there have been days lately that I have not really thought about it. Not sure if that is a dangerous sign or that I it is starting to become normal. Today I picked up a bottle of fizzy water from the ground, it had a wine bottle shape. I walked to the living room with it in my hand and I felt this familiar destructive urge to self destruct with alcohol. Well, I felt the urge that I would used to get when drinking. Today I felt how self destructive that was. Yuk. Nasty. Glad I don’t have to drink anymore. Not sure why I write it in the ‘have to drink’ sentence. Guess that is what it feels like. It is sort of ‘happy that this compulsion does not control me anymore.’ πŸ™‚ Now let’s see how I deal with the other compulsions. Oooh, falling in love randomly is one of those too. I forgot.

Ooh, one thing good: I have started reading again. I had not done that for weeks I think. Just childrens books I re-read but good, very good. It is a sort of reconnection with a non-addictive sort of spending time. And now I am done writing for today, want to clean up the piles of books which are on the floor and try to fit them on the book shelfs. Let’s see.

I take: vitamin D – LOVING IT. Would advise you to do the same. As 75% of the people seems to have a shortage and, blablablahblaaah. Also taking some Schuessler cell salts, not sure what for anymore but feeling better for it I think. Yeah, strange story. Ooh, and I am taking Star of Bethlehem Bach remedy to see if there is an emotional aspect to the sore throat I still have. Hmm, that has been going on since Christmas. 😦 Must be throat cancer then. πŸ˜€ . Guessing it has to do with feeling reigned in at my work by my boss, not being able to speak my mind. She is really trying to get me down sometimes. The other day she spent 5 minutes explaining me and all my male co-workers how I lack sex-appeal. She listed all the things (uniform) I was wearing and how they do not make me attractive. Then she continued on me eating funny stuff (oatmeel porridge). “I guess the only thing you can get from that is good shitting. I would have thought that you would have the body of a super model by now but hell no!”

I found that hurtful. What could I have replied? “You might want to look at yourself you fat bitch.” Well, that would have been appropiately disappropriate. :-D. I did diss her by saying that I was by no means interested in looking sexy so I did not see her problem there. She replied with: you should want to look sexy. At which I just raised an eyebrow with the question “Why?!” I spoke about it with one of the guys yesterday. He said she was out of line “Because she is fat as hell and your figure is fine.” The sweet comfort of guys that don’t have a way with words. πŸ˜€ I don’t need him to compare. I just want someone to realise too that this was strange behaviour. That I’m not alone in that. Anyway, it still hurts. The guy I spoke with has been said to be in love with me, while he actually told me he thought I was in love with him in the beginning. Not sure what to make of it. Almost all collegues apart from one try to tease me with him being in love with me. Last night I dreamed of us kissing. Well, it was more of trying to kiss and it going nowhere. I forgot about that, that there can be guys with which sex drive does not match. So I guess that door is closed.

There is something I want to, well, do not want to write about. It is confusing too. There are 6 guys at my work. 3 Of them have direcltly or indirectly threatened with sex they ‘jokingly’ want to force upon me. The one guy I wrote about threatened me ‘in general’: “Girls showing their titties and wearing short skirts should be raped, they deserve it!” The other one because I think he is overcome by lust ever so now and then because he seems to have a high drive but his girlfriend just got a baby. He said, just out of the blue: “We can get you pregnant too you know.”At which I replied with a polite “No thank you.” To which he said; “You might not want it but there are a lot of strong guys here and between us we can get you pregnant in no time.” I don’t remember what I replied. I can’t really say anything serious. It’s not like my boss or anybody is going to take this as serious as I think it should be treated. I would wish I can explain them how threathening this feels to me and how much inner strength I need not to break down and have all kinds of memories flood me.

Yesterday this one guy was teasingly pushing me about at the water tab and since he’s huge there is no way to push him about so I sprayed some water on him. At which he replied: “If you were younger I would know EXACTLY what to do to you now….” A collegue behind me saw me drop silent and said: “I don’t think you want to know what he has in mind.” I was amazed at his sudden change in emotions friendly playful to sexual in one tenth of a second. No, I am not naive, or maybe I am. He has been very explicit in not liking me and I have been so too since my boss is after him. 😦 Gosh, what a strange world I live in.

So, it is March and sex drive is taking over. I notice it in myself and in the guys and in my boss. Some days everybody walks around sort of ‘frisky’. Is that the word? I commentend that “FYI, from every 3rd sentence being one about sex you have now gone to every second being one.” Reply? “Yeah! Good eh?!” At which I shake my head in disbelieve.

It is strange to work amongst these guys and to experience sex drive myself and realise that if I take one tiny step outside my normal mode of I-am-not-interested-in-any-of-you-or-any-of-your-talk I get confronted with ‘the consequences’. These being proposals for all kinds of things like “The guys really want to go out with you.” And “I’ll take a photograph when you eat that sausage!” to the worst versions above.

Shit I so don not want to write about this but I feel it is part of my ‘recovery’ (must be the first or second time I use that word here…) because sex, sexual abuse and addiction for me are so linked. I find it ‘normal’ or ‘to be expected’ maybe, that these things pop up when trying to unraffle the process and stage of addiction. But I don’t like it. And I am not at ease with my own responses. Which, now I write that, might be part of the structure. I blame myself. I also want to be free in a situation where I can’t be free. There are guys who don’t take no for an answer. I don’t want to lead them on. Not that I am afraid of any actions going over the top or, well even that sentence says it; in my mind there is a fear / expectation that I could be frisked up but ‘nothing worse’. 😦 And on the other hand there is something in me DEMANDING sexual freedom without being harrassed. Aaah shit, I soooooo do not want to look into the dynamics of this. 😦

Time to go to bed. πŸ™‚

Hope you are having a good Sunday and/or Monday! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling


Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor MatΓ© on YouTube. Nice πŸ™‚

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

New lay, new life, another old dream


I thought it was time for a new layout. I make such long paragraphs that the small lay that I had does not make for nice reading. Not sure about the picture yet, was looking for something that depicted the natural order of things. This is from a medieval painting depicting god creating the world in a natural order. Not sure about the god part but I do think there is a natural order. I was looking for a photo of nature that shows this but I only get sunflowers and I am not big on yellow or yellow with brown. Those were my worries for the day. πŸ™‚

Went out with an elderly neighbour to an ecological fruit garden just outside the city where we could get our own apples and pears from the tree. Had a nice little walk and some apples of course, beautiful weather.

I feel it is time to start to live again. As in: be responsible for all aspects of my life, not only mental and physical health that I have been looking into the last 4 weeks. My GP3 asked me to draw up a plan since I indicated that I was not ready yet or not willing to look for outside help other than seeing her and my therapist. GP1 had said to me months ago: ‘We need to look into your problem with alcohol, but we will only do what you want and when you want it.’ And that was exactly the only way she could keep me in and doing this. I know me, later I realised that if she would have come up with one tiny hint of a plan in that stage I would have opposed against it. That’s not only booze talking, that’s the character.

Later when I was doing an intake for a program I thought it was a good thing to surrender that part of me but it did not work. I can only do all or nothing so I gave up everything and handed it over to ‘Those That Will Help Me’. That included my, what I call Initiative – my, not sure how to explain, inner responsibility for living?

So I went down hill rapidly from then on. Then at the day they did not call while they had said they would, I collapsed and while collapsing I noticed that I had given everything away. ‘Even they don’t think I am worth saving.’ (add drunk whining) And while noticing that and thinking ‘there is nothing left of me’ another thought came into my head ‘I always, always have myself. What to I want to do?’

I want to quit drinking and I want to become clear, walk my path. I want to Live.

‘How are you going to do that?’ Give it everything I got. I have intellect, I can read, I have this strange ability to feel my way through healing. Taking into account that I have been addicted for so long I still have quite a lot of honesty left in me. I have quit smoking, eating sugar and drinking caffeine, I know how to recognise a trap and if I have trouble or fail I can always ask help. I can trust myself in knowing what is good for me.’

And there is also a part that touched my pride because if (I imagine) that somebody says I’m not worth it, I might as well prove them wrong. Well. Let’s say I have used what I got to break the bonds with alcohol. I thought that was impossible. I thought there was nothing left of me. I guess that I was so hopelessly lost that it really was a do or die decision.

(And I’m going to compare this story with other writing before just to see if it is getting more heroic by the time.)

I have born myself again. Had a dream about that, it was 20 years ago. I had just seen the movie ‘Where the green ants dream’. In this movie an Aboriginal man sits under a trea and dreams his child. I thought that was wonderful, I understood it as meditating on the new child to come and therewith inviting a spirit to reincarnate. And in the same week I read that immaculate conception is technically possible if 2 eggs of a women mix and make a baby. That would make a clone.

So I dreamed that I had become pregnant of myself and that I had born myself. I was having a great time but being 15 I got shunned by my family. Not for being pregnant but for ‘lying’ about it which I did not because I had born myself OBVIOUSLY!! :-D. I was however allowed to live in a tent in the garden but that was about all, and doctors kept on saying that it was impossible and that the baby just looked like me a lot. ‘Give it time and it will look different.’ And of course there was my brother in the sideline despising me. All in all I was having the most important experience of my life and feeling great but I was confused by what was going on around me and people’s judgements.

Having born myself was wonderful. I understood everything I said and wanted and there was no confusion in mother I about ‘does she need a diaper or food?’ And the other way around: baby I could just communicate and be understood. It was sooo good to take care of me and be taken care of by me. In the dream I felt old pain of not being understood and needs that had not been met repairing. I could feel hurt leaving my cells and contentment and peace settle.

In real life I had been a very angry baby. I was born angry and crying angrily and very loudly. My mother said she had never seen such an angry baby. She always said that with some apprehension so I have always guessed that must have been there when I was a baby too. Well, it was there every time she said it. I feel that part of me drinking has to do with me ‘not wanting to be on this planet’. I feel I have not done the last part of my incarnation and that my anger as a baby and now has something to do with that.

Incarnation to me is about living, taking responsibility, walking my path and enjoying life as it is meant to be – whatever that might entail. I have always felt that there is a big part in me that does not want to take responsibility, would ‘rather not be here’ because ‘it is too difficult’. Me quitting drinking is important in this process of finally fully incarnating. If I totally want to be here before I die I have done a good thing with my life. And yes, I am always afraid that only an experience that has the magnitude of dying can get that depressed touch out of me… Hmmm, guess I’m running (trying to run?) to beat that to it. This is possibly a moment where the ‘believing in a higher power’ comes in handy, or letting go.

So, I am thinking I solved not being understood by having born myself and taking care of me. Part of it is sad, another part is obviously food for psychiatrists on narcissism and I have heard the dream being described as ‘a superior form of incest’ too. But I am happy with taking the healing part of it. πŸ™‚

There was an end to it that I do not understand yet. I saw toddler I walk as a 3 years old. My dream said: the problem with you is that you are so ……Β  And I cannot remember that, I thought it was ‘black and white’ or ‘split’ (what would be within the theme of the dream) or ‘divided’. On her body was a raster of lines, 8 horizontal lines connected by 3 vertical lines so it was like a very simple drawing of book shelfs with 14 little blocks. The total fitted on the body of the toddler I and the left blocks, so on toddler I’s right side, where all white, the other blocks were black. And if toddler I did anything that brought me/her out of balance the blocks would shift like crazy and I/she would be uncomfortable.

About the black and white, I guess that can be taken literal; apart from my actual hair colour, compared to others, very little is grey area in me. I live in either/or situations. Trying to work on that, it is not elegant and does not suit my age. It does come in handy while not drinking or saying goodbye to people who are bad for me; snip, there goes the umbilical cord. Actually I am using a few rather nasty character treats to cut the booze connection. Hmmm, peculiar.

Right now I am understanding the blocks as such: I cannot moderate. πŸ™‚ And my body can’t work with sugar very well which is called hypoglycemia and that is linked to getting addicted to alcohol / is linked to drinking for a long time, not sure yet which or maybe both.

Well, that was a long post and 3 to 5 subjects in one again. If you made it this far I thank you. Have a nice new week!

Happy that I quit and proud of it.