On preaching and singing

What have I been up to? Today I was infected with a preaching streak and I went to singing lesson which was beautiful again.

On the preaching: I had had it with people blowing their own heads off with thinking about drinking or in fact drinking. I could not deal anymore but I had not noticed that. I was concerned and, I should not be lying, I was irritated with the way they ‘fooled themselves and made their sober blog into a platform for addictive thinking along the way’. Yes, arrogant. I know. Sorry 😦 Who am I with my 3,5 months sober to tell others what to do and what not to do or say or write? I don’t know. I just got mad, but in the first reply I did not even know I was mad because my online mad like flame-mad was very tiny in comparison to when I was drinking. It was 1/10th of what I would ‘normally’ feel. That would be ‘drunk normal’.

Years ago I had learned the hard way to recognise an inflammatory preaching mode but I had not had this experience while being sober. So…. Ellie got the full blast. Sorry again :-(. And then I actually repeated it on Empty 12 pack. By that time my cat came to warn me because she could hear by my rattling on the keyboard that I was upset and then she comes to save me. :-). It worked out Empty 12 pack could do with a hiding so pffff…. This is where I got off the hook. More luck than judgment for me.

Preaching, what is it to me? First it is a character trait that pops up easily and I am ashamed of. But the other side of the medal is my ability to teach and I have, with smaller groups, gotten straight A’s for that in questionnaires. So it is part of me, but I do not always apply it correctly. I have put my ‘stop trigger’ on sensing that I apply force. Nudging is ok, students actually appreciate that most of the time, applying force is not good. There is a tiny loophole: applying force is not good….. unless I think I am in the right and other people should be informed for their own good and then, subsequently I think force, specifically from me, is VERY GOOD. Really, the loophole is very tiny. The results are sometimes disastrous. 😦

The hole is in the ‘want to take care’ I guess. Taking care without being asked equals assuming that the other person is stupid and I know it better. I’m walking in circles; problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.Β  Can anybody tell me, in- or excluding the words ‘arrogance’ and ‘not good’ how and why on the subject of taking care or preaching? I am sorry, I can’t work it out. I guess I preach. :-/

I’m doing other subject here. Can’t work it out. We had singing lesson today. Well, it is not really singing lesson but more ‘free your voice’ with all therapeutically correct assignments and a tiny bit of speaking about the experiences. Today we practised ‘sing your own tune’ but all together in a group. We were scattered over the class room and I always take care to stand as far away as possible. Yes… issues… I know. Again today, but something changed and I wanted to be with the rest, so I actually moved towards the rest of the group and enjoyed that. NEW!!! I know for most of you this is futile. To me it was BIG. πŸ™‚

We continued with an excercise on lamenting. Is that the correct word? Singing with and about sorrow like women from the Middle East do during a funeral. Well, we were not that outspoken or skilled, but everybodies tone and song did carry grief. Imagine that we sit down and ‘lament away’ in a tune that each person makes up in that second. πŸ™‚ That was scary shit. But very good, it is a good group, the group can actually carry this without starting to giggle or feel awkward. Once you let go of the ‘we don’t do that here thank you’ position it worked out to be very special. We all had a few solo lament and it was very powerful, very freeing. Nobody used words but the realisation that the grief could be heard and carried by the group. Very powerful, very connected.

Since I was preaching I might as well brag today too: I sang a solo and it was beautiful. Solo singing is standing in front of the group and singing sounds that pop up or develop in your head at that moment. The teacher then follows and supports with the piano. I guess I sang on the condition humaine but there is also an opposite to that, not sure what it is called, or if it has a name; something like hope, but less single minded. Maybe trust. I mixed them, thinking of my deceased mother, singing for her. And it was a beautiful experience to let that flow, people cried, I cried. Loads and loads of shit going on sobriety. Good stuff. Difficult stuff. Healing stuff. This group of extra-ordinary women can carry so much, very impressive. I felt heard, supported, safe. Happy that I quit.

And then I came home and my yogi tea label said: Awake from the illusion of separateness.

❀ ❀ ❀

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