Shoving it out there

Time. Time. Time. Time is a good concept and I screwed it up within me.

Twerski says people with addictive thinking mess with time (in their heads). I feel it has to do with shoving stuff out of the way. I did the lying, the denial and dodging consequences by changing plans. Plan and results / consequences are measurements of time, they give meaning to time, or? And I did the drinking more to not feel the feeling of doing things wrong. I am still doing it. I don’t want to be crisp and precise, it hurts, it shows me how I am lacking. I don’t like people that are crisp and precise, I feel stupid and guilty around them. I used to be crisp and precise. That was long time ago. Need to get back to that.

I thought I had let go of friends that would support drinking when I would finally quit. But I notice now that I hung on to people that are not precise. And I have let go of people that plan well and really make something of their life. I feel they don’t like me anymore because there is always something wrong with me and there is always a reason why I am not succesful with my own enterprise. I say ‘tired of doing it all by myself’ and ‘depressed’ and those are true, but in fact it was drinking and drinking. Now it is repair and repair.

So, in order to get back on the horse I need to be aware of the shoving and ditch it. (nice… ditching the shoving…) Face what is really happening with me. I am afraid. I can’t. Tried a little yesterday. It was horrible. The guilt is unbearable, don’t even dare to go there. GP1 said: ‘So the shame about your addiction prevents you from doing something about it. That is not very logical….’ So I quit, it took a while from there on but I kept that thought with me along the way. I feel what I do now is the same stuff but I can’t work it out. Can’t get my brain around it while it feels like it is right in front of me. Aah, I need to repair and get a healthy concept of time again but the guilt I feel over messing this up keeps me from getting healthy. There you are. 🙂

I think by now. well, by yesterday, I was hoping I had build me a bypass by happiness. I just quit and left the guilt and the feeling bad about the shoving for what it is. Guilt is not usefull, but it is there, and it needs to go, or be transformed, or what do you do with guilt? Because it shapes my actions and thoughts in a bad way.

Time to let go of the free floating structure of The Plan and make it precise. See what happens and what comes on the road. Am I ready to do that? I would be delighted to be able to do it. But I am not looking forward to the work that goes into being precise and not doing the shoving. Feel I need to read the Tibetan book of living and dying again. To me that is about feeling my way through choices. No. Trap 1: No other subject. Trap 2: No reading. Doing.

Advertisements

Addicted to deep experience

Yesterday I felt normal. Today I think I am bored. I had forgotten about this thing, to me it feels like an addiction thing where boredom and being normal is absolutely unbearable.

I am not bored. No I am not bored, I am stalling so thoroughly that I close myself up for every feeling just to make sure that guilt does not enter my premises. There are things I need to do, like The Plan and extra stuff. I know (?) that The Plan is The Step to the Next Level. Hmmm, thinking error: it should not be Next Level, it should be organic, all around, carried from within, not walking stairs in nothingness to a Next Level. So this implies that I am waiting for The Next Level to happen while actually it is not about the next level, it is about the transformation I undergo while doing The Work of following The Plan.

So today I am stalling because there are things I need to do that I do not want to do AND I certainly don’t want to feel how bad I feel about that.

Just did an exercise in feeling how it would be to not have that feeling of guilt lurking at my doors. There’s a hint: walls disappear and I tumble forward into nothingness. Down the rabbit hole into timeless nothingness. No direction. It is like floating on my own through the Universe, without the stars and planets. It is that feeling where you are in nature and look at a starry sky and the moon. This overwhelmingly big awareness of being. Where you realise the magnificence of it all and feel both intense loneliness and intensely connected.

And now internalize the feeling of connectedness, do not direct it at the universe or a higher power, keep it within and around you. Keep breathing.

Take out the stars and the moon, the earth and everything and everybody on it but stay with the feeling that was within and around. And breathe…..

So that’s where I go if I don’t put up walls of dislike and apprehension. I think I’d better sit with it. Watch the grass grow. Otherwise I keep on running and hindering myself by throwing up unnecessary walls.

Time to do stuff.

What does it take to start living?

I have quit drinking, I have no cravings but I still have the idea that I am somewhat ‘in repair’. But the fog is gone. Finally, that only went with quitting sugar for 100%. It is funny how I can know stuff and still not act upon it AND be surprised that if I do, it actually works. Do you recognise that? No, not in me, in you. I feel (? realise?) it is connected to the ‘doing the same stuff over and over again and expecting different results’. But that saying never hit home in me. I don’t understand it. Which makes me curious because that mainly means that I block something. :-D. I guess I’ll find out with the ‘Addictive thinking’ book.

Also gone are 5Kg, have not lost any extra in the last week but I am guessing that is because I eat more often in order to prevent my sugar from dropping. I am HOPING of course that it is because my fat is turning into muscles because of the excercise I do. (Drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam, dream, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam).

Another physical change: the whites of my eyes have gone white in stead of yellowish white with red. I still have a little red but that comes from dry eyes. And my A4 paper shakiness test is good now 🙂 Yeah!! The red colour of my hands has gone as well, the tops of my fingers are still a little red.

My breasts have dropped half a size and 3cm and they have gone soft now, it is not the bloated right in your face I’ll shoot you if you say something I don’t like kind of war gear anymore. But that is good, and ok at my age. My face, neck and decoltage are not bloated anymore. I really like that, like I’m coming back to life from behind the fog. Everything more defined, more clear. 🙂 That’s what I want. To become clear.

And now I need to start doing stuff.

NB: Have you filled in the poll on hangovers in my former post? Please do! It is anonymous btw.

Extensive blood test ok!

And another one in the series of ‘good news’; the extra ultra extensive blood test that has been done has is OK. Just a little high on the bad cholesterol and the potassium but nothing to worry about. They say the high Potassium could also come from the fact that I had to sit with this band around my arm for a long long time to get all the blood out. But I blame it on the Celtic salt I use which contains a lot of Potassium. Also; the real Potassium level of a body is difficult to determine in blood because the bandwidth is so small that the body will deplete every stock in the body in order to keep the blood level good. Bad Potassium levels influence the heart rhythm immediately. People with a longstanding history of drinking alcohol and not eating (their veggies or Celtic salt) typically have a low level of Potassium.

And… I would not be surprised that the standard for ‘good Potassium levels’ have been set AFTER the worldwide introduction of table salt which does not contain any Potassium at all (and is therefore bad, bad, bad).

I’m not going to worry about the cholesterol, that will work itself out. Need to read up on it because the whole ‘saturated fat is bad, it makes you fat and gives you heart diseases’ is not true. Sugar causes inflammation in the arteries and that causes heart diseases.  So I am confident that it will work itself out in a little while since I don’t drink alcohol and do not eat sugar anymore.  And excercise…

And now, will I be finishing of my stop-drinking-alcohol-the-nutrients-approach with taking extra nutrients? currently I am only taking multivitamin, omega 3 and kelp every second or third day. The kelp is because the Celtic salt contains little Iodine. Right now think I will take a half or a quarter of the dose of everything of the alcohol detox mix and then to continue with the anxiety/stress, memory and hypoglycemia mix. There is this thing where I don’t feel safe if I don’t do this. While actually I don’t have alcohol cravings and very few alcohol thoughts. I do have sugar cravings, even though I was very low on sugar anyhow. Today I ate 7 raisins. I feel like I cheated, it is like taking 7 drops of alcohol because of the alcohol…

Can hear my brother say in my head now: ‘You don’t need pills for hypoglycemia, you need them for insanity. 7 Raisins, yeah, ooooooooh, BAD!!!’

What I am curious about is how the part of ‘addiction is searching the solution from the outside’ comes up in here. I am guessing that my not really feeling ‘safe’ while I actually have no cravings has to do with the thought that quitting alcohol should be really difficult and hard and almost impossible. It has not been that way for me. But… they say quitting is not the hard part, staying quit is the difficulty. I would not know, I am not there.

Why is it that I lose trust in me now things work out to be easy and even in the extensive blood test there is no damage to be found? I guess it is because I actually feel like a phony. The mess I was in when I drank and now finding out how easy it finally was. It wasn’t about heroically fighting a dragon for days on end, hanging on to life and then finally winning in a last act of heroism. It was about letting go of a fake idea of good. I scare me a little because I keep on thinking that I must go flat on my face because this can’t be true. Well, got the time to proof me if The Plan is going to lead to A Job (or not?!).

And on the other hand, I did a lot of the quitting work before hand. Most of the goodbyes have been said before I actually quit. I think that really helped. I copied that method from Allan Carr’s book on quitting with smoking. He ‘allows’ the reader to smoke while reading the book so the anxiety of quitting does not interfere with their intelligence. I did that with reading up on alcohol AND starting with the home googled nutrient approach I developed for myself and the no sugar, no smoking, eating healthy part.

And….. being happy. Being happy is the strongest anti-dote to being unhappy. Which is a load of BS, but if works, it works. Happy that I quit. Do feel like I need to get a move on. Proud is out of the picture. Content is not happening because I have been writing here instead of doing yoga.

Have a nice day / evening!

It’s working

Well, the alarm is working. I started cleaning the house about 15 minutes ago. Alarm was set for my 15 minutes check on me (questions: what emotions do I experience, try to relax, am I following the plan?).

At 15 minutes I had cleaned out the dry laundry in like 4 minutes and when the alarm went of I somehow found myself behind the screen typing. Duh???? I can’t even remember what motivated me to sit down.

So let’s say the technique is working. And uuuuhmmm, it is very smart of me to come up with it. And…. uuhhmmm, it would be good to continue doing STUFF, not blogging or what have you.

Happy that I quit, proud of it. I’m a chick on a mission now! I’m going to DO STUFF.

Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor Maté on YouTube. Nice 🙂

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

Free course in procrastinating

I’m bored, but I’m guessing it is something else I don’t want to go into. Thinking I lost structure now I don’t have ‘a book’. I do have ‘a book’, but I don’t like it, and the next books are still sailing around the ocean.

The mess in the house and the bank account are looking back at me and saying: time for reality. They use this really high, luring voices. But just not luring enough I am guessing. Ooh shit, it’s evening already; time to relax. Anybody wants a course in procrastinating?

 

‘How is addiction still influencing your life currently?’

WELL…… Let’s say, it is a process…