Being creative with issues

Again, not feeling that there is something to share, get of my chest or discovery to be made.

Well, maybe one. After having discovered that I really react strongly to sugar I think I have now put my focus on that subject. So being at a party and being offered wine at several occasions and being questioned about not drinking did not bother me a bit. I even poured somebody a glass of wine without it connecting to something inside me. I was just very happy that they did not want to talk me into eating cake. That’s all. I call it ‘being creative with issues’. 😀

None of these people will drink excessively at somebody elses party but they all think that there are only 4-5 glasses of wine in a bottle. For those that have not seen the tables that should be 7,5 units for 12% wine and 9 units for 14% wine.

And we biked home and got to 45 kilometer in total so I don’t think I have to do my yoga today. But tomorrow I have to run and catch up on the deep cleaning and the online alcohol desensitivity training.

Happy that I biked. Happy to have seen friends. Happy that I did not feel ashamed about having drunk too much the night before. Happy that I have the energy to go. Happy that the alcohol depression did not make me feel like wanting to worm myself out of it. Happy that I was able to see how alcohol has an effect people and it does not add. I never drank during the day but still, looking back, every day had the same depressing colour and feel to it. No clarity. And that is what I want to become. I want to become clear.

Not proud anymore because, maybe because it is not about pride it is about process and/or transformation. I am guessing process is about pride, transformation not. Transformation is about being.

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Happy

Happy‘ Use it in a sentence today!  😉

Well, shitload of sadness here. Nakken is continuing on how families should be to be functional as opposed to well, dis-functional. Not crisis-focused but supportive, again, functional. Sorry for the moaning and self pitty but I found I did not get to get that. And it hurts. Reading how things could have been hurts more than reading and realising how fucked up I am. And finally, at 44, I get this feeling, I wish I had a family of my own, I would have done it aaaaaaaaaalllllll differently and we would have been happy ever after.

Yeah, right.

Happy that I quit, not happy with the stuff I need to work out. Happy that I did give me a second chance at live though. Happy for meeting the old GP that showed me that there was a way out. Proud that I did get out. 🙂

Normal

Life without booze is starting to feel ‘normal’. Yesterday was difficult but what I forgot to mention is that due to my shedule of the trainjourney to and the stay at my brothers I had no drink think and no ‘stopping with booze’ thoughts. I was wondering a little if I had gone from thinking about drinking to thinking about not drinking but I experienced that this does not have to be so.

Did some shopping today and I did not even notice that I had walked through the beer and wine lane without thinking about any of the produce or my own process. Which is good. I looked back and there was this Muslim women walking through the same lane and she did that as well. No connection with the product at all, like I walk through the coffee department – no interest, it does not connect. That’s where I want to go with booze. Or maybe one step further as how I walk through the sweets department: dislike of the product and the producers with knowledge of the sickening effects that it has. Yes, I can be a puritan when it comes to decision making. 🙂 All or nothing.

I do have a loads of time on my hand and now my energy is up I do feel a need to fill this in, the biology of life kickstarting me again. New as well, the therapist put this thoughts in motion where I realised today that this IS already my life. I always wait for ‘things to finish’, ‘when I get out of this process’ or ‘when things cheer up’ as the starting point of my life. But hey! This is what is now. 🙂 Filling in my time sensibly will be the project of next week.

But first I’ld like to catch some sun on the balcony and read my new dreamwork book. Letting Nakken for what it is for the moment because my real life power issue has to re-settle before my brains can actually take on information again.

Thanks for your interest in my path and have a nice evening!

 

The normal is never good enough trap

Day 3

Day 3 has almost come to an end, time to go to bed. Not happy about day 3 anymore because it starts to feel normal, getting bored with paying attention. Trap noted. Feel like I need to fill in my life again. That’s too soon. Trap 2 noted.

Last Sunday, the last day of drinking I closed myself of from the outside world, read the last chapters from Jason, then drank like crazy while saying goodbye to every gulp. In the end, no, half way through the booze tasted awful and I imagined it made me sick, just like it did when I was a child. That is how I need to remember it.

Now, whenever there is drink think, I call up the big internal NO and after I organised myself again, chuck out the drink think, I follow with projecting the nausea. I like to take it a little further and condemn alcohol. Being just a tiny little angry helps me organise my thoughts and close the gate, stop unwanted drink think. And in my head I am already big time angry with those that offer me a drink while I have said no. Trap somewhere.

During the time that I planned to stop I read up on alcohol and addiction because I know from quitting smoking that it is easier to take in information when you are / I am not stressed about ‘having to stop’. So I have this document were I gathered all kinds of info on alcohol and addiction and food. I also made a list of character issues that I feel I need to change in order to not fall into the booze trap again. One of these is the getting bored easily. I call myself a stress junky.

Can’t just exist in the quiet, things need to be special, normal is not good enough. I believe that is a mindset that leads straight to addiction, always wanting to celebrate. Don’t know how to tackle it. Guess learning to be silent, and be with what is will help. Tomorrow I will sit still, trying to only breathe and see what happens.

And I will try to keep one subject in the texts. No, I will not, I need to write this to get stuff out of my system. No, that is not polite, can’t just go dumping stuff if I want people to listen I can’t just dump. Is this a diary, a blog or an attempt to repair myself? Overdrive. Trap. Need to sleep.

Last minute insight: peace is no peace if I am afraid to loose it. I will loose my peace when I continue to live in the world. Just need to take it slowly to train my sober muscle.