I have alcohol dependency, works out that I have ‘human’ too.

I was just happily commenting along a post of Alcoholicsguidetoalcoholism when Paul commented: ‘We are all perfectly imperfect, it’s called ‘being human’.

 ‘Shit!! Do I have that?’

That is indeed what I thought. I felt caught, trying to find a way out, looking for arguments. :-/ Did not exactly work, or it did. This is another one of those posts where I let the crazy out. See what it does. It eh, does its crazy stuff allright.

I always thought (think?) I could just, just scrape by and not be human. Being human? That is ok in itself. For others. Being fallible? I sympathise with you. Really, I do. 🙂

How did that get there? And if I am not human, what am I? Trying to feel my way into this subject. And no, I am not crazy. Or maybe I can not judge that myself. Just trying to find out how it can be that I do not accept the humanity part (no… not part….). And the road to accepting that seems to be closed so I’ll beat around the bush a little, see what comes up.

Lacking female examples I think I am Thorgal. This is Thorgal:

This is Thorgal too:

How he got into this world:

He has a wiki page:

Thorgal Aegirsson: Son of Varth and Haynee, grandson of Xargos -captain of a spaceship on a way to Earth in search of energy sources. Raised by Vikings (after the spaceship crashed on Earth) but not one of them, he shows traits of character and morality that many Vikings consider those of a weak man. In reality, if need be, he is a courageous and skillful warrior and an exceptionally skilled archer. His life’s goal is to find a place for himself and his family to live in peace. For a time they strip him of his memory, and he becomes the pirate lord Shaigan, though his compassionate personality remained unchanged.

What comes up?

‘If I am human I AM A SUPERHUMAN!!! I MUST be very different from everybody else. Sure I wasn’t born. I was a revelation!’

Yesterday I was feeling cocky, now I am omnipotent. 🙂 Tomorrow I am a god, no, not a god, tomorrow I am a God. Note the capital. And note that I am a God, that is funny. Why not God? Or the God? There are bounderies to my omnipotence. 😀 Funny.

If somebody else was saying this I would get really angry.

‘WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!!’

But still, I would not get past that because I would be angry because I would think the other would try to outdo me in being special. So it is dangerous not to be special. And the other is not allowed to out-special me. Need to stay with that. Going to let the crazy do the talking:

‘Don’t you dare be more special than I! Don’t you dare get out of this misery while we are still here! Don’t you dare to qualify for the love that I do not receive!!!’ Crying now.

‘Not enough love to go around. Lacking. Lacking, lacking something. Don’t know. I can’t be lacking love. I don’t need that. Stuff the security talk, there is no such thing! Piss off!! Get lost!!!! ‘ Crying now.

Today I want to feel special, not even normal. Just special.

‘Being special keeps me away from the groping hands. If I were special guys would not grope. They would worship and fear me.’

‘If I am human I could die. Shiiiiiiit.’

Those wer random thoughts popping up when I question myself. Nasty shit. I think I’ve had enough for today, no solution there yet, just information.

‘Ha! ‘Solution’, such a human word.’

Why don’t I allow myself to be human?

‘Where it is human it is alive, where it is alive it can die.’

Change of feelings: I am trying now to feel human and accept I can live and die. Yeah. 🙂 🙂 🙂 There it is…. I have plunged into my body! 🙂 🙂 🙂 That is NEW. My heart is happy, literally! It sings! 🙂 It is all connecting in my upper body and my head is with it. And lower body.

‘If it is sacred it can be demolished. Wear the taboo on your sleeve, it will scare people away.’

That last part is on promiscuous behaviour. And so much for the crazy of today. With unexpected ‘solution’. 🙂

Happy that I quit. It is, aaahr, quite invigorating. Here I was, thinking sobriety would be boring.

The Plan

WHY

I need to start planning my life because it just does not happen and monnies are getting tight. I normally do a lot of planning and I get into a mode where I plan the whole world. It gives me endless possibilities, the sky is the limit. And I never follow up. This is the part for me where the going gets tough. Easy peasy to not drink when not doing stuff. Let’s see how I do while having A Plan. The Plan.

I need to learn to plan and work to plan otherwise I will reincarnate as, I don’t know, somebody that has no control over his/her life (very much like me actually). Ieeeeehks. Better fix it now. And I need the plan to working otherwise I might get demotivated, and I have no skills in the area of being demotivated. So might as well take care I do not go there.

I have a set of unproductive concepts in my mind. Neither of these is true but they shape my thoughts, intentions and actions:

– I can do anything.

– I am better than anybody at anything – if I set my mind to it.

– If I can’t do it immediately I am sure I can not do it at all.

– I have no skills in the area of being demotivated.

– I have never worked for something.

– Perfection is for the people, I can do better than perfection.

– I can’t do anything.

– I have no right to live or be happy.

– I have a tendency to always do exactly what I should NOT be doing. Like writing down exactly how I will corrupt The Plan with the above concepts.

LEARN

1 Plan realistically. Follow gut feeling. Plan less in stead of more, do not push it.

2 Do stuff, see what happens and try to see how the above concepts hinder me.

3 Set the alarm every 15 minutes to check state of mind, relax, watch out for demotivation and lack of happiness and see if I actually follow up on the plan. I am guessing this takes other skill than my organically grown laissez faire approach.

4 Have a non-drinking back-up plan because everybody seems to have one and it probably makes my GP3 happy. I would not want her to think that she’s my only back-up. That is not a good thing, it does not stimulate a good relation. I have put the AA hotline in all my phones. I guess GP3 and my therapist would like to see a better backup plan. I don’t feel like a bigger backup plan yet. I am not AA ready yet.

GOAL

The goal is a healthy mind, spirit and body. I would like to live responsibly, carry my own weight, add to the world, following my path, whatever that is. For now it is making A Plan. And all of this is obviously without alcohol or sugar.

In the plan I do not put everything (NEW) but just put what bugs me most and is in the way of my GOAL. In the plan are: BODY, MIND AND BOOKS TO READ, SPIRIT, DAILY LIFE, RELAXING, THE PLAN itself. Things listed are sort of ‘in order of relevance’, but not always.

BODY

I want to get the nutrients in to repair the damage done and also to kill the urges and cravings upfront to ensure sobriety. Also I need to restore my memory and my ability to focus. Deal with the nutrient side of depression, paranoia and axiety. I can not do a job with the brain I have now. And… my scalloped tongue seems to mean that I can not take in nutrients, that is dangerous.

1 Keeping clean, nutrients approach, make summery of book – speak with GP on tongue as well,

2 Restory memory and focus, nutrients approach and look for restoration techniques online.

3 Loose weight: no losing weight on purpose. Just eat healthy. Make stuff myself, low on the E-numbers, high on vegetables, NO sugar. NO hunger. 1 Meal at the table, no books, no computer, no television. Adjust below times in weeks to come to earlier. I need to eat often to keep my blood sugar level even.

9:00 Vegetable juice for breakfast

11:00 Brunch

15:30 Lunch

19:00 Dinner

21:00 Nuts, boiled egg or cheese

4 See GP every 2-3 weeks.

5 Run 2 times a week; 1 one Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and once in the weekend.

6 Plan walks and bicycle rides with friends in the newly discovered wood.

7 Work with friend nutritionist on changing ‘Seven Weeks to sobriety’ into a diet for me.

8 Solve high blood pressure, get rid of blood pressure pills.

 

ON MIND / BOOKS TO READ

1 Be happy and proud.

2 Make an extract from ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’ for GP3

3 Do online Alcohol Top training every 2-3 days.

4 Set alarm clock every 15 minutes to check how the current activity fit into The Plan.

5 Google stuff I don’t know about like the ‘I can do anything syndrome’

6 Read ‘Get sober, stay sober’

7 Read AA book

8 Purchase and read ‘Addictive thinking’

9 Keep reading blogs you don’t like. Try to work out what your aversion is and if and how it links back to the AA book and the addictive thinking book.

10 Go to an AA meeting within 4 weeks from tomorrow. Call first to learn about different groups. Choose 3 groups.

 

SPIRIT

Dunno. Meditate? Read blogs? See therapist? Write blog?

1 Read dream, healing and Sjaman books

2 Connect with people. Hi!!!! Here you are! Between the books and the headbord (?) Pay special attention to starting a conversation.

3 Connect with nature.

4 Make headboard to bed so I can sit up and write dreams without getting out of bed.

5 Watch Gabor Maté on YouTube.

 

ON DAILY LIFE

1 Get into a cleaning mode, clean 15 minutes a day in one run, standard cooking cleaning is not included.

2 Start chucking out rubbish 15 minutes a day in one run. Choose from: clothes, books, paperwork, atelier, sock drawers, cellars, attick, kitchen cupboards, bathroom, rubbish cupboard, balconies.

3 On using your money skills: pick up training for new drawing programm. Make appointment for within 2 weeks with other students.

 

ON RELAXING

Relax when things do not go according to plan. Relax, breathe, drink water. In order to relax more I should: slow down, take more time to think during a day, think of spiritual things and personal learning, burning candles or incense works very well for me to realise that I should take it easy. Nature relaxes me. Reminding myself that I need to relax relaxes me. However, I do not realise that I get up-tight because I have not had more than 3 minutes of relaxation a month in the last years. Only now I stopped drinking I can relax just a little. Relaxing is a big issue. How do people do that? Running relaxes me. Yoga relaxes me. And I don’t do them. Hmmm….

I am guessing I will not be relaxed until I have a outlook at income again. But just that thought. There is a little place in my head that can think about work but I worry about my memory. The work that I am closest to requires a shitload of brainpower and precision. It is just not there. I think I read a book with attention and the next day I can read it again and it is all new. I think this because I have too little mental exercise but I know me, with this brain I can not even write an application letter, let alone do a job interview.

1 Drink vegetable juice in the sun on the balcony every morning

2 Set an alarm every half an hour and note how I feel right then. Try to relax when not relaxed.

3 Burn candles and incence 😀

4: 15 minutes Yoga in the afternoon every day, look to add more time

5: 1 Outing into nature every 2 weeks

6: Have 1 sauna outing at least every 3 weeks.

7: See therapist once every 2-3 weeks.

8: Plan walking and biking holiday with friends

9: Running.

10 Try 1 different recipe a week.

11 Plan bordgame evenings again, within now and 4 weeks.

12: Continue bio-snack outing, once every 2 week

13: Organise money stuff. 30 Minutes a week on Thursdays.

14: Find a job.

 

ON THE PLAN

Spend 5 minutes per day on the plan. Keep in mind either build, maintain or getting rid of stuff. Start to add timelines if this does not work. Report every day.

High as a kite

I started writing this morning and things developed so again it is one of those posts that start with something and end in a different direction.

I’m high as a kite. Not sure what from. It is Saturday, I’ve arranged a date with friends tomorrow for breakfast and visiting a museum, and all the old monuments are open in our city this weekend so looking forward to that. Going to the ecological market in a sec, looking forward to that too.

And, I mailed a guy I am sort of interested in, we worked together on a project and had this very strong attraction which I thought was human to human and then he found out that I was 10 years older than him (while he thought I was about the same age, alcohol preserves?) and he reacted all disappointed and looked at me all strange like I had betrayed him. That made me think it was not human to human from his side. And ever since there it has been strange, like I should be ashamed or so. Shit, why do I even bother? No, I am mixed up because him being disappointed showed that he had interests and I had not gotten there because I would have never believed he would have been interested because I have seen two of his ex-girlfriends with whom he is still befriended and jeeeeeez they are gorgeous. Like ‘Doutzen Kroes, move out of the way gorgeous’ AND intelligent, AND nice, AND interesting AND having all these social skills that I lack AND modest AND then he dumps them because gets confused about something. Why do I bother?

Because he is nice, here it comes; he reminds me of my brother, we get on like my brother and I used to do when things were good and it feels like home. He is from the same place where I grew up, both have moved out. And then when he was disappointed I thought ‘maybe he likes me?!!’ And then I got all confused because I-am-stupid-and-I-don’t-have-the-right-to-think-I-can-be-liked. And who would want an old, oversized, not-succesful, alcoholic that is lacking social skills anyway? And of course I fell in love immediately because he did not like me (anymore). Grrrrrrr. How to choose guys that are not good for you?

I have always been a cradle snatcher, don’t like older guys, the remind me of my dad. And he does not want kids so that is not a problem and I am on my pink cloud and doing stupid stuff. So, I can add in my physical and emotional list that it takes about 3 weeks for sex drive to return. That has taken I guess 3 or 4 years.

I should not be walking this path right now. I mailed him. There is something so very stupid in this. Hope he does not reply. Something tells me I’m on a crash course – not booze wise, just energy, power, interaction. Ha, coming on too strong. That’s it. Sooooo, that’s not going to work and if it is, it is going to be disastrous.

Yeah. CRASH!!! Crying now, feeling my erratic energy. I’m ashamed of that. I have the idea that my energy is so strong that people I know can feel it through the air. It is that connection that you have when the phone rings and you know who it is even though you haven’t looked at your phone and haven’t seen the person in months. It is that connection where you suddenly think of somebody from your highschool, op up LinkedIn and there is their link request. I have questioned boyfriends about it and they confirmed. Point is, the intention of the energy is not good. Currently it hooks on and claims because I WANT. Very nasty. What to do, what to do? Crashed.

The last contact with him was about going to a specific bar and today I replied on saying that I didn’t want to go anymore because I had quit drinking because it makes me depressed. That’s what I’m telling people now. Might as well use the skills that I learned when drinking to cover up my not drinking. Or, not? Learning to be pragmatic and flexible. That would be new. :-). He replied that he’d been thinking of stopping too but had been putting it of. But his mom gets depressed from it and that he was very sad she still drinks. He also said that he was moving house and city, just had a new girlfriend, been very busy with work and house and city a girlfriend, and questioned whether I was going to drop by at an anniversary. And that is good. Door closed. Disaster prevented. Don’t want to go through this rollercoaster of imagined and projected emotions anymore. Waaaaaaaay too soon. But, week 3: sex drive returns.

So I went shopping and OD-ed on lemons, celery, carrots, apples and cucumber for my juices and the RIGHT kind of catfood. I had bought another kind. She has been bothering me all night long.

Happy that I quit. The things I go through now are things that have been left on the shelf for 30 years. Might as well make a move on. And yes, in case you wonder, one of these days I’ll get to dealing with self-destruction and self-worth.