Fake for real

I’m getting more and more real and more and more clear and I like that. I always thought I needed alcohol to dampen (is that a word?) my senses but I enjoy this hypersensitivity very much. Yes, sorry for that word, and no, hypersensitivity does NOT mean that I suddenly get all sensitive and polite. I actually found that sensitive people can be very insensitive (moi!) because they (I) block stuff out continuously. Like autism. Well today I did another day of connecting to people and I can really use this newfound skill and way of ‘being’ instead of ‘hiding’. Good :-). It is amazing that the things that I was most scared of upfront work out to be very different from what I imagined. The reality even exceeds what I could have imagined. Good πŸ™‚

On becoming real: a few days ago I bought this memory game, it’s called ‘fake for real’ and I am loving it. It consists of sets of cards of which on has a picture of something fake and the other of the real deal. Friends and I played it yesterday evening and had great fun. If you check out the website you can actually play parts of the game online. When you combine two cards that belong together the website explains why they chose the specific cards. When you finish the game you can play again and it shows different cards. All in all very well done I think.

And I like it also because it trains my brain to be exact and use my memory muscle that has gone weak over the years of alcohol abuse.

Note: the colours are very good in the real game, this is just my scanner that is bad.

memory2In the picture you see:

Michael Jackson as he was and how he would have been if he had not done the surgery and skin bleaching.

Scooby snacks and M&M’s.

A big Mac as it is advertised and how it looks for real.

OJ Simpson in the Newsweek (real colour) and in the Times (skin darkened with the use of Photoshop). I believe both issues came out in the same week and the Time’s version caused some upheaval. Rightly so, rightly so.

No deep thoughts, haven’t done shit but for today that is ok. Not sure why. I guess because of all the crying I did yesterday and the headache from not having glasses. I think I became befriended with my optician today. We spoke for 2 hours on life. I am happy that my sober life enables me to really get in contact with people AND realise that real contact is being appreciated. While before ‘people’ were ‘one block’ of ‘nastyness’ that ‘is against me’. Darkness everywhere. Very lonely. A lot of aggression in me. I assume that it is a projection of my own inner life. And now I take better care of myself, I like the outside world better.

So, happy that I quit. Although sometimes, sometimes I wonder if I could not just, just have 1 beer, ok, just have 2 six-packs and a bottle wine. Or 2, because if you do it you might as well do it ‘good’. Not because I need it, but just because I have shown that I don’t need it. Or so. Sigh. Happy that I quit. Missing some kind of physical reward. Need to look up how this reward issues work in addiction.

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