Trying the magical route and ending up in a negative corner

I’ve been watching the movie ‘The Secret’. And no matter the reviews the book and the movie get, I really like it. It is about attracting good things to your life and how to do it. They say there are universal rules to attracting happiness and prosperity and good health and that these rules have been around since the beginning of the world (but have been kept secret – don’t want to go into that). I think…. it works. Why? Because a few years ago I tried it and it worked twice and then I got busy and forgot about it. I asked for presents and got 100 Euro’s for something that I would have done for free and on the same day I got paid 2000 Euro’s for extra work that I had done outside an assignment but had not put in the offer because I had miscalculated. Well, I calculated wrong so that was my loss. I did not lose sleep over that because it was a learning experience. But then the company asked me: ‘Does your invoice cover your costs?’

Have you ever asked your plumber, dentist, gardener, foodstore (liquor store / drugs supplier) that question? I know I haven’t…. So I answered truthfully and said: No, it does not, I have miscalculated, specifically finding my way around the procedures in your company has cost more time than I calculated. But that is my mistake, we agreed upon the amount that was set and that is it for me.’ And they answered: ‘Write an invoice and we’ll cover it.’ That’s how I got my 2000 Euro’s. It was ‘only’ about 10-15% of the assignment but still… I had been asking the universe to get something, just, as a gift, just because I was tired of doing it all by myself – and I got it. 🙂

Also, the movie implies that if you want to change something you should not think; ‘don’t drink, don’t drink’ but ‘I’m happy to be free, I am free, I love to be free’ and experience it. That’s what I did. And I (with the little disclaimer up to now) had it easy. I feel there is an internal storm coming, things are stirring and calling for a change and the feeling points at drastic measures on the negativity front. I want to run away from that feeling so I guess I choose what I call the magical side. Or maybe, maybe I choose the positive side and start to trust in the creative force of the universe. Somehow, when I wrote this first it felt dangerous. Looking for a magical solution is. It is a place where it is easy to lose contact with the world. It’s therapy time too.

The Secret; there is a book too, it’s got a lot of space between the lines and quotes and references that nobody will ever check but….. it puts me in a mode where I back away from the continuous negative thinking and fear that I otherwise experience. Negativity, self-destruction and dealing with it is my life’s purpose momentarily. Quitting booze works out to be just the first step. Now I need to deal with the underlying structure. I might as well do that the way I do things best: extreme. So I’m gonna try (yes, try, not do, I don’t have a lot of DO in me at the moment) to start with their tips. I made the following notes:

We attract what we imagine. Here are some quotes that really got my attention and I guess indicate what (not) to do.

energy flows

That is very much like:


I know, I know, all beautiful one-liners. But who said life would not be simple. From a Dutch famous writer:

‘If you hear somebody saying that a situation is complicated, do not worry about his story. Check out his reasons for wanting to complicate a situation.’


And one from Carl Jung:


I have experienced that this works. Before I quit drinking I was in a fierce gender fight and I must say pretty much disliked most man and I met dislikable men. I mean, who goes to Turkey on a holiday, knowing the Islamic culture is not exactly cheering to see women like me and then meets up with 3 male taxi drivers on 3 different occasions who, within 3 minutes of the conversation tell them that ‘they have daughters and they would rather have had sons’, ‘have daughters and regret it’ and ‘have the opinion that a woman is worthless’. I mean?!!!? Apart from their opinion doing injustice to half of the world AND themself for denying Creation – I am pretty convinced that something in me puts this on my road. Not saying I am to blame for their rudeness, just saying that I acknowledge that ‘what we resist, persists’. Unless I deal with this in myself I will meet man who say things like this so I can confirm my view of the world and they can confirm their view of the world and we both live unhappily ever after.

I’ve been in a lot of situations where my physical and emotional integrity was hurt badly. Thing is, in hindsight I have always known upfront what was going to happen with a person. I felt it, it feels like doom and blackness. And I did not take action to make sure I was safe. Not sure how it started off but from what I remember there were situations where I did not want to believe the bad things because that would mean I was not safe and the world was not a safe place. I could not deal with that thought so I preferred to stick my head into the ground and keep my ideals whole. And there were situations where I did not feel I had the right to save myself, that somehow, because I knew the badness and could feel the dirt, I must have called it upon me or be part of it or be it.

There have also been situations where running away would have made me prey immediately, that too. But in those cases too, I knew up front. Was I drawn to it? Some I guess. I can remember situations where I was taken hostage just by looking into the eyes of the offender over a distance of 8-10 meters through a bar. There would be a physical feeling of connection where, if I were to describe it, there was a meat hook that stuck into my heart and I would be lifted from the floor for say 5cm and my carried to the villan. It felt like he had captured my life’s energy. That time I actually felt it so clearly, even through the booze that I called my brother and sort of forced him to leave IMMEDIATELY. He asked me what the fuss was about and I said that the man across the dance floor was after me in a bad we. He did not believe me because the guy was not even looking. We started to leave and the man followed us out at a speed and with a rage that was incredible. Outside he was snorting with rage, we could see his shoulders heaving. I think I escaped a terrible man there.

When I got older I wanted to prove that I could fight these men and, well, boys. I kicked a lot of balls. There is even a term for it in English: angry young woman. I wore a metal dog chain around my neck and a shaving knife in as an earring. Big rings like knuckle busters. Angry young women. Guess the young is not true anymore :-). Angry is there, not as much anymore though. Did it ruin a lot of my life? Yes. And well, no use crying over spilled milk. :-/

Since I got sober I have met very nice man. And it shakes my world. I thought they were a fairy tale. Negativity and sadness, need to let go. That’s what the Ayahuasca said in my ceremonies, that is what the Tarot cards tell me. It’s rooted deep.

Now things change and I get to work out some of this. Every so now and then it comes up and changes a little. Why now? Because the negativity I carry is starting to hinder me. It keeps me scared. It keeps me from healing, from enjoying what has been given. The Ayahuasca said that the world, creation is there to be enjoyed. I could not believe it then, thought it was a fantasy made up by my conscious mind. Now I am starting to believe it. Works out al lot of spiritual leaders of note say the same thing. And it is on the internet, so it must be true 😀

its on the internet





During writing all of this I have been playing ‘Carrol of the bells‘ which I somehow thought was appropriate. It works out to be – not an English Christmas song – but a Ukrainian New Years eve song about a swallow flying into the house and bringing good tidings about wealth that will come in spring. 🙂 How very much into the theme I started off with. 🙂

While watching The Secret this evening I become aware very much of how I see the world. By now I think it might not be smart to repeat the misery I am in but herewith a last (?) repeat of my personal, well, I think, traumatized thinking. Thoughts that are in the front of my mind immediately upon seeing the below scenes from the video above:


1 ‘Take the road along the river, than you can see ‘them’ coming.’ Not sure exactly who ‘them’ is but they are bad news.


2 ‘Man, rapist’


3 ‘So what maiden was drowned in this pool?’


4 ‘Dead body next to women.’ On a closer look while blowing the painting up in an other program it works out to be luggage, not a body.


5 ‘Ooh red riding hood take care when going into the woods.’ And ‘I would love to live there but I never could because I would be scared all day.’


6 ‘Man = dangerous’ (that would be the man most right on the painting. The one in the front is dangerous because he is mentally underdeveloped and will follow the bad guy but he is also a chance out in a dangerous situation because he has kindness towards a sister.’ How can anybody come up with those things within seconds of looking at a painting? Don’t know. When somebody else would tell this to me I would think they are traumatized. Do I feel traumatized? Not in my current state of mind. There is some detachment now. Guess I would not have been able to notice any of these thoughts if there was no detachment.

This post is becoming way too long. And I have lost the good vibes that I wanted to tell you about. That’s what negativity does I guess. Still, there is not a cell in my body that will change my opinions about these ‘situations’ above because I think they are true. If you have had the stamina to read up to here and still have some left I would appreciate if you could tell me what you see in the paintings.


7 Women in the background being harrased by man.’

Currently burning white sage incense (I first wrote incest…) to clear the air. The cat is unhappy and I am scared. When younger I knew exactly this mood would attract hunters. Feeling like prey. Well, nothing good can come from this night anymore. It’s very late here.

I am happy that I quit and I see the reason for needing to quit more clearly now. However, being confronted with the negativity in me makes it harder to want to be sober. 😦

I want: for it all to go away. That is dangerous thinking in itself. I need to go to sleep.

I need: to sleep. And not do these things this late. I also need to get into another frame of mind because I feel like a sitting duck.

I take: some salts against diarrhea and the calcium salt because I need more stamina, more straightness in my bones so to say.

Have a nice evening/morning/day. 🙂

Look and you shall find, ask and you shall be given.

I was wondering when I’d get my ‘magic’ back. Today it did! I biked through the city on my way to the sauna and passed this marvelous second-hand shop. Outside were four crates of 1,5 by 1,5 by 1,0m high filled with books. As I biked past I thought: ‘check out these books because the AA book you are looking for is in there.’ So I turned and started searching. There were a few guys searching too and at a certain moment guy 1 and I got to speak. He spoke and said stuff….  it made no sense to me, his mind looked all over the place and I kept thinking: keep on speaking with the guy because something is coming up. And suddenly he said:

‘I need to clear my mind, let it come to rest.’

‘That is funny, I was thinking of the same thing yesterday. And now I am looking for a book that is connected with the process I am in.’ At which moment I picked up a book called ‘synchronicity’ (not by Jung). I laughed and said: Funny, we think about the same thing and I pick up this book on synchronicity.

‘That is funny, I have heard about synchronicity all my life but only yesterday I learned what it meant. Jung, it is from Jung. At which moment he picks up Jung’s book on dreams and symbols…

I thought that I had misunderstood my earlier message from me to me so I checked internally if this was what I was supposed to pick up or learn and the answer was: ‘No, you need to find the book.’

And at that moment guy 3, a meter away from me, picks up the AA twelve steps book I had searched for -from the bottom of the case where I can’t even reach- and he puts it away…. so I can put it on my pile. 🙂 🙂 🙂

2 Hours later in the sauna I meet a guy who starts talking to me and suddenly says: ‘You have a very clear goal.’ If only he knew… yes, being clear IS the goal. And: ‘You have magic, I can feel that, it is around you.’

Magic, synchronicity, (?pick-up line?) Who knows, but I certainly had a thing today with men that say strange stuff. Just wondering: did you ever walk around naked saying ‘you have magic, I can feel it.’ to somebody? And at the moment itself it seemed PERFECTLY normal, well, maybe a bit strange, but totally in sync with the happenings of the day. 🙂

Important to me: what was lost is back. To me, well these are funny examples, but to me, not drinking is strongly linked to this strange possibility I discovered in my and outside my brain. It diminishes with alcohol and when the addict lying started I lost touch with it. That is the price of addiction. And now I am feeling my way back into life. Or in other words:

Look and you shall find, ask and you shall be given, knock and you shall be opened.

Happy that I quit although tonight was the first moment I had a craving that lasted, well 10 seconds or so but that is big for me. The foundling has got a new home and is leaving tomorrow. Which is good but I cannot appreciate it. 😦 Sad now. One of the neighbours fell in love with him. He needs his own Human but I am sad to see him go because he is such a bundle of joy. Oooh life, all this saying goodbye.