Sober first – breaking up

The hug-buddy and I just ‘broke up’ – over Facebook chat of all possible ways to do so. Not sure if you can ‘break-up’ when there is a no-relation pact and not sure what just happened. I feel I got sucked into a drama which is not my play. I guess it is not my drama then but we are not hug-buddies anymore either. It feels like he is used to women coming after him and demanding stuff. I feel like he wants me to fall in love so he can walk away and I can come running after him. But that is not the way I play. Not sure if that is because I have been trying to be an adult for a few years now or because I am the queen bee? It is a sad drama.

That is a funny comparison because the queen in the beehive leaves and then the guy bees go after her. They mate. And oooh, then they get killed. πŸ˜€ Ok, not funny. Guess the theory on being adult does not hold. πŸ˜‰

I should be going to bed. Tomorrow is Kingsday in the Netherlands: birthday of the king. It is a holiday and the whole of Amsterdam will get flooded with drunken tourists. There is also a marvellous flea market going on throughout the city. This starts at between 03:00 and 07:00 and people sell their rubbish / 2nd hand goods. Good. πŸ™‚ At round about 12:00 ish the first drunk people fall over and that is normally a sign for me to go home. This time friends and I have planned to meet at the other side of the city from where I live. It is only a bike ride of 30 minutes, in the morning. Later tomorrow it will take more than an hour, possibly 1,5. Or I need to take all the back roads but exactly the roads I would normally use will be flooded. And I don’t like masses. I get very stressed out. I specifically dislike drunken masses and I have difficulty with the vibe of addiction which will be all over town from noon onwards.

I don’t feel all too stable. Not sure if going is a good idea. On the other hand, maybe I could use some company and not feel stupid for not going out. I have a new pair of jeans. so… πŸ™‚

I do not know. I will take care of myself and go to bed now.

I am grateful that I do not drink anymore. Kingsday and New Years eve traditionally were my biggest drinking events. I feel, when in this mode, I should take extra care of me and going across town through a drunken mob is not my idea of self-care. On the other hand, fun is good too. And not going out is a way of me keeping me small. I do not fear I will drink, it is ‘just’ (?) that I turn unstable with strong emotions. This evening I went shopping for dinner and there were people raiding the stores for the last bottles and cans of beer, calling mates and asking in a stressed voice “What do I take home?! Brand X is sold out!” It takes me about 2 hours of solid Netflixing to get that out of my system. Not sure why I transfer addiction to soothe myself. Well, put it that way and I am sure. πŸ™‚

I will not worry now, go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a good sober night/day!

xx, Feeling

Advertisements