The bitch awakens

Not sure what is happening but pfffffff, stuff is moving internally and it is only after last nights dream that I get an inkling of what is going on. I think it is related to the book I’m reading, a gathering and explanation of the Jungian idea on relationships. How we (I!) fall and in love and, well, screw up. I was in need of insight on the falling in love part after the thing with the book store man so low and behold the give away store had this book from J.A. Sanfordย  ‘The invisible partners’ on the shelfs. It is cool. I find this Jungian idea, a little ehm, paternalistic or, well not sexist but connecting traits to gender. But then again, what I am coping with currently, the ‘smothering others in care’ and (also) the viewing the book store man as an addiction coaching project (guess that is the same?) – it all takes place in those archetypical worlds where I am the smothering and critisicing mother so why not read this?

I am loving it but I’m not understanding all of what I am reading. This assigning qualities to genders is very familiar because it equals the stereotyping of this society but I notice that my resistance to that sometimes keeps me from understanding the writing. I don’t want to take it all in because it is partially, well, offensive.., eh, demeaning, eh, haven’t got the word but it cuts against the grain so to say. It is about men having a female part in their ‘character’ called anima and women having a male part called animus. And when person transfers his/her anima/animus onto the other and saysย  ‘You are my light, my solution, the reason I live, my everything.’ that is when the Titanic sails. The Titanic sails for a while and then there is an iceberg, reality enters the story and the shit hits the fan.

Oh yeah dreams: not sure what they are about but shit, I keep on dreaming about guys. Not the type of guys I like, that hardly ever happens. I dream specifically of the EXACT TYPE I can’t stand. Like, leeches, schmucks and surfer dudes, no purpose to life other than to leach, betray or make fun and then, IN MY DREAM!!!! they are all over the place and not paying attention to me at all! Kill and attack!!! And I walk around thinking: you are in MY DREAM you should be NICE and they SHOULD BE NICE TO ME!!! PAYING ATTENTION!!! My God, something has got my knickers in a twist. This is food for psychiatrists. HA! The give away store handed me ‘Freud’, Psychoanalysis yesterday. Auf Deutsch!! (in German!) How good can it get? :-))

And with the trial day tomorrow I have this very angry ‘all or nothing’ approach where I can not deal with people doubting me. I feel I have been doubted all my life. My relationships with men and people (hahaha, that belongs on the sofa as well) has, in my idea been so that people EXACTLY do not like me totally, exactly do not love me fully, and that leads to exactly having the feeling of not being accepted. Without doubt this view of people says more about how I think about me, and possibly which people I choose to let into my life to confirm my view. HOWEVER TRUE THAT MIGHT BE IT SUCKS! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I’m guessing tension is building. Must have to do with my trial day tomorrow. And the animus shifts. You won’t believe what I have said and done these last few days.

A women had lost a child and I was looking for it in the park because I had seen a child like that. First I biked around the park, I had to bike on the sidewalk to have a good look at the surroundings. The street was too far off. So when biking onto this 3m wide sidewalk I think ‘Aaargh, I am pretty sure some old geezers will be complaining about me biking here. Well OBVIOUSLY there is a pair of them, he’s walking on crutches, she’s so overweight that I am surprised she keeps up with him. So I got a ‘Oooh! You are not allowed to bike on the pavement!!!’ And reply: ‘Well, come and get me!!!’

WHAT?!?!?! DF?!!?! I never say things like that? Well, I do think them, but say? Wtf is going on? The day before I was awful too. I had my bike by my side at a market, needing to get there and further. When I got to the stall with the olives and nuts I parked my bike partially in front of it thinking: there is nobody, and by the time it is somebody elses turn I will be gone anyhow. So… yes… there comes this other pffff, yeah, geezer again. It’s never Matt Damon, it is always a geezer.

‘Your bike, it needs to go….’ With this ieuw attention drawing, energy sucking way of saying things, with the smelling and the looking from under they eyebrows and having their head tilted. Ieuw! I do not reply.
‘This bike, it needs to go.It is in the way.’
‘It will go when I am ready.’ Short. No attention.
The geezer keeps on muttering under his breath and in between he tastes the olives that are in the front of the booth. While doing this he oh so deliberately shows everybody how ex-tre-me-ly difficult it is to go over the bike, pull back, possibly go through the bike, ooh, pull back, a little more effort, some more muttering, playing bottom dog all over the place. He gets some olives and eats them but then he quickly gets more of them every time the guy turns around to weigh my nuts. And I notice he gets more from the same dish, even picking up 2 at the time and I realise we are sooooo made for each other: he playing the bottom dog and me the criticising queen bee counting the olives he snitches.
‘The bike is in the way…’
‘Well, obviously not so much that you did not have 8 olives from the same tray already…’ (I mean? Where do I get that from?!)
‘Your bike is in the way….’
So I was thinking, maybe he does not have all the options in life sorted out? Let’s be helpful and offer him one:
‘Yes, my bike is here. And you have EVERY possibility to stop moaning about it.’

Isn’t that helpful? Sooooo helpful. ๐Ÿ˜€ So yes, the bitch is waking up. I am utterly surprised about this behaviour of mine and the spontaneity with which it pops out. I am not like that! Or, well obviously I am… but…..???? :-/

I’m thinking…. life shows what we can’t deal with yet ourselves. That is the way of karma. I’m thinking these experiences show me my bottom dog and the fact that I actually think I have pampered it for too long, which, I think everybody around me, not being me, will agree to. ๐Ÿ™‚ And maybe it is not the bitch, maybe it is my animus. Ooh, yeah, when the animus is not heard it turns bitchy.

I am thinking my dream guys are my animus, totally irresponsible so yes, I have to stand there and tell him off otherwise all hell will break loose. :-/ The underdeveloped animus in a woman is the aspect that gets critical to the outside world or takes it inside.

So, criticising the surfer dude in me is not the way to go. But I’m not sure what is. The content of the book is not very helpful either ‘Chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4. Ghegeghe… guess I need to read the book. ๐Ÿ˜‰

So, pressure is rising. Let’s see how to deal with that. Aah 4 things:

What do you fear? I fear being rejected tomorrow and most of all I fear the awkwardness of the women boss who might not be able to deal with the awkwardness I currently carry around. I’m sorry, I just can’t hide it anymore. I have become my living dream and living nightmare all at once: the dream was to have clarity in communication and experience what is going on and it turns out to sometimes feel like a nightmare and exactly NOT get me where I want to be. It might get me where I need to be, but ooh ooh do I not look forward to that. Not that I know what it is. :-/

What do you hope: aah, I have an escape fantasies already, if the above on was not an escape thought already. I think that needs working on. The thought is: I hope she introduces me to the think tank of the company and lets me come up with and introduce new concepts. Hmmm. Which would be very nice but going into an interview or trial day NOT wanting to be where I am only translates in confused energy movements in the conversation. Also, I think I pre-whatever, pre-react if that is a word, to the expected doubts of the boss. The job I am going for is called a low skilled job but actually one needs to have a certain odd level of skills to deal with it. I think I have those, well I had them 25 years ago during seasonal work. Thing is: do I still have them, is it enough to compensate for me having lost strength and enough for my age. I mean, if somebody is 20 and fails the first day, you give them a few chances. If somebody is 45 and fails… hmm…

What do you expect? I expect it to go just as I fear, so I either get cancelled today, I get cancelled tomorrow after the introduction or after a few hours of work. I am expecting this because I keep on feeling I have not sunk low enough to start building again. I thought I had, but now I am not sure anymore. I feel I am going in the wrong direction, something phony about it. Something does not ring true. But as long as I keep believing that, it will not and I will carry that with me and people will pick up on it. Sigh, sigh, sigh, I might be over thinking. I feel like I’m running straight into a brick wall.

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would get a shower, clean the house, call the therapist to discuss this and maybe get some Bach remedies against fear of failing. Which might after all ‘just’ be the source of all this rambling. And then she would go outside and enjoy the sun. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, it is an exciting time for me now.

I want: hahah, the think tank from the company to already call me now. But I really need to make sure to get back to this job and this moment. This addicty thing of wanting a way out irritates me.

Wwawwlhd? Well, see above.

3 Things: beautiful weather outside, all the books that come my way, the opportunity to work this issues out.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

On discipline: tiny things are way better because I do them with love and if I don’t I still like myself. So the mess in my house has become less personal, it is more mess and I can clean it or leave it. It is not a standard of my failing personality anymore.

Hope you have a nice day. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

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Blocks, blocks, blocks, blocks and some insights from outside.

Well, I’m there where I need to be: experiencing bears on the road and blocks in me everywhere. Life does not stream anymore in me which is becoming very obvious now. I had some ups a few weeks back but now I’m sort of stuck in the same place as before. The problem now is not the lack of energy, it has come down to what has been the issue all of my life: I do not like me and I do not like being here or practical versions of that in experiencing a fear to introduce myself to recruiters/HR.

I have become very sensitive about how I look. I’m guessing that the incident with the book store man has to do with that too. I am starting to experience what it is to have grey hair and to be 45 without kids to look back upon. A friend send some pictures of me playing with her kids outside. I look like a freaking elephant. It would be a running, laughing, smiling, dancing, active elephant with a shitload of beautiful grey hair. And I only see the elephant, the aging elephant who can deal with kids but not with adults. I see the kids I never had, feeling how much it hurts to be not even considered as a relation option by any man of my own age. Only elderly guys looking for a big mama experience. After elderly man number 6 showed up it is not funny anymore. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

The bookstore man once said: ‘Feeling, you HAVE to love yourself otherwise you can not BE in a relation.’ He’s right. And I can not. And then I want him to love me because I can not which is where the longing is. And obviously I feel lousy when he does not which…. makes the issue even bigger. I realise now that I have always wanted the other to fix me, to complete me.

Since I have been circling around these internal blocks for a few weeks now the structure of my self destruction becomes more and more clear. Obviously I have to do stuff because of financial reasons.

So when Nick Ortner with tapping on financial issues came along I watched his vids. I think tapping works really well, but only if we are, ok, I am, able to see where I am at. ‘Just’ tapping on positive things will not work. It works wonders for me however when I tap and find the right words; a whole world of attached experiences opens up, like a magician drawing a line of knotted handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. Those attached experiences I find very helpful because they give information on how things came about and about the, eh, size (?) of the field. The scope might be a better word.

I am currently at video 3. It starts with ‘love and accept’ and I just can’t. So I went to look for other tapping scripts online for tapping on love and acceptance and I find I can not use them. I look at the person on the screen and think: I see these flashes of shame on your face while you do this, how can you say you have learned to love yourself? Or other, how am I supposed to believe it when I say ‘I never deserved to feel so guilty and ashamed.’ – while I actually do think I do?

Well, ask me and I will say I do not think so and rationalise the shit out of it but deep down, well, not so deep down, I am struggling with worth, with love, with compassion. So I looked further and found Teal Swan. She is the unruly, spiritual witch version of Brenรฉ Brown with a tiny bit of a commercial sauce which took me a bit of getting used to but I like it a lot so; hang in there. And eh, if you, as some might wonder how somebody so beautiful and brainy might not experience self-love -as I did as I was focussing all the the self destruct on appearance now-ย  …. she also had 13 years of ritual sexual abuse and torture in her young life so…. :-/ย  ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Hope you enjoy. I specifically liked her practise of asking yourself ‘What would a person who loves herself do in this situation’. Beautiful, started applying it in a lot of things today and it gave great peace.

Part of my search for self love is about The Other and how I hope whatever He can solve my issues. Together, complete, forever, blablabla, well, we all know the fairy tale. So on my outing to the give away store I found ‘The invisible partners’ by J.A. Sanford which describes ghegheghe, the Jungian view of male-female and anima (female part within the man) and animus (male part within the women). How well-timed by the Universe. It’s a good read. Laughing my head of while reading next to the bonfire at the store. It eh, gives insight in how we (I!) project our animus in the man and make him our (my!) hero and to what problems this leads. Very good info, specifically for a person like me who has a rather inflammable heart. And easy to read because he does confirm my assumptions that falling in love is nothing more than a net of projections I cast over the other by which I try to real him in. Yeah, dark.

Then again: if somebody feels like he fits the projections…. :-D. Well, obviously such a relation is not sustainable but I’m not there where he explains how to do it differently. I am reading! Not Netflixing, because a person who loves herself would be reading. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, even though I stumble over every little thing I am working on what I believe are my 2 basic issues: not liking me and not wanting to really be in this world. So: good!

I need: I think I will change this into ‘What would a person who loves herself do?’ (WWAPWLHD?) A person who loves herself would continue to read for another 15 minutes and then go to bed.

I want: well, now I sort of think to know how it works and had the learning experience I feel it is MY RIGHT for things to become easy :-D. Aaaah, still living a dream.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and I notice swelling of my breasts which I am curious about. See where that goes.

On discipline: the WWAPWLHD? works better than berating.

On sugar: the other day I worked out that I did not want sugar, I just felt bad and wanted sugar to fix that. So I changed over to dates. Less poisonous. And with the WWAPWLHD I can keep the intake at 5 and be happy instead of 20 and still be unhappy. Let’s see.

3 Things: the book I found, the video I found, my determination to keep on looking for where I CAN find an answer. I feel I have to blast a trail through this sobriety stuff but well, obviously I seem to like it that way. Or I am doing all that not to do what I should be doing…. :-/ Who knows? I think it is both actually.

Hope you are having a good day. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling