The land of no self-hate, episode 2

Still reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you‘ from Cheri Huber. Cheri writes about self-hate and the dynamics of this. As with other books, I read, and at the same time I heighten the awareness of my thoughts and discernible emotions, tension, movement, temperature in and around my body. Good books change stuff at cell level. For me this is a good book. ❀

Not sure if this sounds like hocus pocus but, you know: when you consciously inhale and feel your body expanding and when you exhale it is ‘inpanding’? Motions like that happen unconsciously within my body and in the near surroundings, say ‘aura’ around me. When reading there are big shifts like a lot of tension in my throat, so much I have a throat ache. Or my throat relaxing. But also subtler once like my jaw clenching and unclenching, my breath stopping and releasing, lips tightening, nostrils opening, chest freezing, heart expanding and contracting. It is a wonderful trip of awareness and mindful being which can finally happen. Sometimes there is an awareness of the micro-expressions. I really, really like that because all these e-motions and tension and release inform me of stuff I was formerly not aware off. If my throat tightens, my heart rate speeds up, my chest freezes I know something in me is not liking what I read, experience, remember. And with that, I can practise letting to within, breathe through new thoughts while gently keeping them in my awareness. Does this make any sense?

How this came about? I was in a dark place an a long distance energy healer picked up on that. She somehow helped me accept that I have a right to exist. That closed a backdoor to self-hate, all of a sudden I was standing back against the wall and all the disliking my life and myself suddenly had no way out. It all fell down on me. That caused an enormous crisis in which Ainsobriety came up with the above mentioned book. Teal Swan came with her video on the self-hatred. Things start to fall into place.

It is good. πŸ™‚ I am happy, sometimes. At peace, sometimes and in extacy sometimes. Literally stoned. Guess one would call it bliss if there is no drug involved. Hmmm… πŸ˜€ Scared also, sometimes. As other addictions, self-hate is self-destructive behaviour I have because I somehow think it is good for me to hate me. “When I drink, I do not feel what is wrong with me.” and when I hate myself “at least I do something well.”.

Two functions of self-hate I am experiencing currently:

Self-hate gives structure to me. When I sit here, read the book, let go of hate, untangle, unfold, open up, relax, breathe, I become boundless. Sometimes that gives a feeling of extacy. Endless white light flooding through me; connecting with the earth, connecting with the heavens. FINALLY PEACE! And then the clamping happens and sometimes something this something twists and sends me off into what feels as I would imagine a psychoses feels. Dangerous land, not to be threaded lightly.

Also, self-hate keeps me from being responsible. It brings out my poor me, or is brought out by my poor me underdog. 😦 Reading the book, again, sometimes, while working through the process of letting go of thoughts about myself relieves me of the negative energy which holds me down. I also realise that most, 99.999999% of the thoughts I have about me are negative. So, letting go of thoughts, letting go of opinions is the thing. Which reminds me of my first Ayahuasca trip which opened up with a statement from the Ayahuasca spirit saying “All these opinions… all these opinions…. there is no need.”

As always; Ayahuasca can show you the way, it can not do the work for you/me.

Funny side effect: I eat less since reading this book. Things just don’t look and feel as attractive anymore.

So, all in all I switch from heaven into hell and back again and again and again. While slowly learning where, how and when these switches happen. It is a dangerous place to be because I sometimes realise that I am at the brink of insanity and total self-destruction, but also a rewarding place because I now learn to look into the darkness and see that it is me.

notreacanreachtoheaven

Insanity feels like clamping to the darkness while facing the light. Where letting go means confrontation with endlessness, boundless existence. Like watching the stars somewhere far away from nature. That feeling of immensity and smallness combined. And then switching between them several times. That is only do-able for me, when I let go of clamping, hanging onto opinions. Hmmm, guess people might call that ego. If you (i!) don’t let go then it becomes very uncomfortable to feel and exist. And then, when I am there and add fear to that I go into insanity.Β  Well, there is a need to let go. πŸ™‚

And you know, I am learning all this, and for the first time I notice jealousy. I am willing to admit that I notice jealousy. I read the book and it has EVERYTHING I want (clinging), and then I become jealous because somebody ‘knew it before me and I did not know it’. Jealousy is somebody having something which is of vital importance to one and being afraid to lose it. Yup. Check. πŸ˜€

I am also jealous because so many people know what they need to do with their lives. And I only know that I am where I need to be. Somehow I trust that something will come on my path once these issues have worked itself out but still… I want things to be easy. Well, easier. At which point I still hear the Bookstore man saying: “Are you sure?”.

A new thought pops up: maybe my need for drama is a way of expressing the destruction within me. People tend to, try to make the outside world as their inside world.

Enough for today.

I wish you nice sober day. I am happy that I quit. Trying something else now: I am grateful that I quit drinking. Happy is more fleeting and assumes upbeat dopaminelike emotions. Grateful is more serotonin, long-lasting, more quit. And every time I say I am grateful or happy about quitting the reality of not knowing what TF I want or need to do with my life pops up. And then I need to trust again. Or maybe I am dissociating there. We shall see.

Ok, I am grateful that I quit. I hope you are grateful too. Being grateful makes it so much easier to be sober. Also, for those in doubt: it is so much more easy to not drink after one has quit than it is to start all over again.

xx, Feeling

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