Something between whaahaaaa and wheeheeeee and a new time

Oooh, I just got invited for the second job interview as a follow-up from the last. ‘You are our best option.’Β  Not sure if that is a compliment but I’ll take it as such. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Now what? My wish to the universe was indeed a second interview. And I’m currently in the phase of trying to not pay attention to the thought that it would be real strange in this times that I would get a job with the first letter I have sent out after years and years. And now it is actually good that my friends are all in the same line of work because I can check what salary would be ok to ask for. πŸ™‚

Hmmm, suddenly I feel funny about all the time I wasted lately. πŸ˜€ Processes, processes. Ghegheghe. I need to start to believe that I can be happy workwise and that life can be simple. And it is a part-time job so plenty of time to continue the self-help I’m doing now.

This morning I started off with the routine from Donna Eden that I posted yesterday. It feels like it works. I feel more energetic. But that could also be so because I actually did something instead of nothing. Not sure. I’m interested in her way of seeing the world and health and she’s very happy so she must know stuff that other people don’t know. ;-). It is now 4 hours later and I have been watching a lot of her video’s on YouTube. It is AMAZING what she teaches. And the hippo says ‘Yeah! Finally!!’. I guess there must be something in this for me. It combines very nicely with the haptic body work I have been doing years ago. I have done one of the tests with the arm out myself earlier and I know it works exactly as you see it. It is not a scam. I’m gonna get all my girlfriends together and test this out! Wonderful πŸ™‚ Makes me happy. πŸ™‚ It feels as if today I have reached some end point and a new time is approaching. Well, meteorological (is that the word or a word at all?) spring started yesterday so maybe I’m perfectly in sync.

I am happy that I quit drinking alcohol. Thankful to GP1 who so clearly showed me what clarity looked like, thankful for the people at the programme who, by listening without judgement, allowed me to -instead of fight with my self-loathing- come to the point where I could find the love and energy I needed to quit. ❀  ❀  ❀

There are a few things I want to quit doing now too, I think, not sure, letting go is difficult but it is becoming an option… hmmm, those are tapping words. Hmm….. I would like to be able to give up negative thinking but truth be said: I still don’t feel like I have the energy to stop it like I quit drinking. I just want things to be easy. Not sure why, if I zoom into that I feel overwhelmed and tired and hopeless. Hmm, lets tap on that :-D. Negativity, I have been looking into that ever since I got out of the alcohol prison and today again it pops up, of course because of a new situation. It is still my primary reaction.

Yesterday I actually did some meditation and ‘the voice’ in my head said: ‘You need to stop taking care of others.’ Funny because in daily people judgement this is counter intuitive but I feel it is true in the sense that I tend to meddle, that is the part where the care giver misunderstands ‘taking care’. Not sure how to deal with that yet. I guess it is the next big thing now next to being positive.

I want: a tremendous salary, free-floating hours and wonderful colleagues, work that makes me excited.

I need: don’t know yet, admin again. :-(, cleaning.

I take: nothing, a bit irritated with healing that comes from the outside in. Reading books of an old Dutch witch now. Unfortunately she is long dead but I have just re-discovered her. Really enjoying it, well, she says things that agree with my thoughts about stuff so that makes for easy reading ;-). Another wonderful realisation of late: I like stuff that does not contradict me. :-D. It feels very childish but I could also interpret it as ‘going with the flow’. And now I have seen Donna Eden’s video’s I’m sure that going with the flow is very important. Check this out. Donna shows how to test if your ‘strong’ in your energy and then with the one movement takes away the energy from somebody (and restores it later! πŸ™‚ ) If you are in a hurry go to 1:20. In another video she shows that actually looking somebody down can do scramble somebodies energy and looking up to them can strengthen it. Wow! She also tells about the bad effects of shoulder bags and underwired bras on your energy level. I guess this counts for metal wires, not the plastic, but not sure. If you have time I would say: watch and learn and be happy. πŸ™‚Β  πŸ™‚Β  πŸ™‚

Recovery 2.0 video’s now all online for FREE untill Monday 16th

For those that have missed the Recovery 2.0 video’s in which addiction specialist Tommy Rosen, author of the book ‘Recover 2.0’ (Good!) interviews other specialists and guru’s on their specific fields – they are still available for FREE until Monday.

Enjoy! πŸ™‚

I did not watch all of them but I specifically liked day 1 and Rosy Kuhn from day 6. But I guess everybody has his/her specifics likes. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, woke up to another day today than yesterday. Not so much feeling hung over but in that weird time-space distortion I used to have after drinking (did not drink, just experimented with sugar. Pffff, don’t want to talk about it).

I want: to be healthy and not have diarrhea all day due to my clean eating pattern. Not sure if it is dirt coming out or chronic bowel infection or so that is normally stopped by the tons of muesli that I eat. Don’t know. I’m getting very frustrated over this.

I need: to get my head on right and make decisions. I’ve started a new project and have not set my egg-timer again to check if I am actually doing it. It runs every 5 minutes and even then I notice that I am distracted every 1 out of 4 times it rings. Blegh!

The hippo is laughing so I guess I’ll cut its head of and see who’s laughing then. :-/ And when I leave my frustration out of it and go to a space where I am good and the world is good it says: ‘Yes, this is how it is, this is what you need to learn again: to focus and this is how difficult it is for you and this is how you are doing.’ Pffff, can’t even get my hippo to give me a fake compliment. Ghegheghe… Well, I do not expect a compliment for just wiping my ass either. Sigh.

Working on a new project. It’s good. Not sure if it is going to lead somewhere. Tarot says it leads to Change. Haha. Which is actually EXACTLY what I want to reach but I was hoping for Fortune or so :-D.

I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

Ha, I’m doing this writing standing again, moved my computer to the living room on a high table and remove the chair in order to (semi) naturally cut down my online time.

I’ve been eating rice, beans, vegetables, eggs and nuts for 2 days now. Diarrhea is back big time. Just going to let it be, see where it goes and how I feel in 2 weeks. I do feel loads better though, the difference is almost as big as quitting alcohol. Not sure if that is down to not eating sugar, wheat or dairy products. Don’t care yet. Feeling better. I cut out the wheat too because Doctor Mathews Larson (writer of the book ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’, she from the nutrients approach to addiction) says that a lot of people with an alcohol addiction have an (unknown) allergy to the product that their favorite booze was made off. That would be beer so there goes the wheat. Just see what happens, if I’m going to go strict I might as well exclude this category too. I’m having an interesting time looking at my cravings, but they are do-able. I make much more interesting meals now. Eating on the table away from distraction. Gooooood. πŸ™‚ Ooh, it is not a loose weight diet, it is a ‘let’s get clean and see what happens diet’.

It helps me very much in leaving things out of my life and focus on my new project – not gonna tell more about that untill it lands and grows somewhere. Well, that’s it. The wanting to do the diet comes from wanting to exclude stimuli, wanting quiet in my body. Not being dragged from one strong cup of this and that perfect Yoga tea to the other eco raw chocolate bar to the next lovely breakfast with superfoods and various Schuessler salts in between. Pfffff. Away! Away! Too many impulses. Cutting down on watching whatever Netflix and Facebook because I don’t want to be able to handle that anymore.

Nothing of these decisions are mind made, all of the are impulse made. It has something to do with listening to the ‘bad’ feelings too. I got to this point by listening to the good feelings, urges that were ‘telling me’ to take good care of me. Now I have come to a point where I can listen to the parts that say ‘stop’ too. Funny thing is that my hippo works very well with that. She is on a prominent place in my rooms and whenever I look at her I somehow project what I am feeling on her. So now she is saying: weren’t you cutting down on online activities? The sun is shining a little, it is time to go out. πŸ™‚

IMG_5061I will. There is SO much freedom in doing what is right. Damn! I never knew that. My favorite slogan has always been ‘Only dead fish go with the flow.’ Now I am perfectly happy not spending time kicking all the stop signs along the road. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe….

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I get the ability to finally live.

I want: to go out and move.

I need: to breathe more and keep on going on finding my path. It has sort of become a daily thing. And thisΒ  with ‘every day is a new chance’ which is an awful clichΓ© – it is sort of becoming a truth. It includes that not everything goes right immediately. Which is also a very big truth. πŸ™‚ Now it is becoming a part of living instead of something that tells me that I should be ashamed. Many thanks to the Mr Kurtz video of a few posts ago. πŸ™‚

I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

I take: some Schuessler salts, not by reading text but by feeling them. There are those that confuse me and those that make me feel better. I choose the last.

Hope you have a nice day too! πŸ™‚

On hippo’s

IMG_5061

A few days ago I got this 1 inch, 0,80 Euro hippo because I just could not let it go. I felt related. Loads of things happened from there.Β  But first: what is this hippo telling you? Is it laughing? Is it belching? Crying? Is it making noise to scare something or somebody away? Is it calling someone? Her kid maybe? Is it ridiculing someone? Do you see joy? Fear? Love? Anger? Aggression? Is it just opening its mouth to catch a bunch of lettuce?

Yeah, well, the funny things of this tiny animal that it has been doing all these things in a few hours while standing on the foot of my screen. I guess, by now, I know how far and wide projecting goes. Falling in love = casting a cloud of hope, dreams and projections over a person. Falling out of love is seeing the hippo.

There was evenΒ  more to learn from it. What about this stream of internal thoughts:

‘Yeah, no wonder you feel related; it’s fat.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s aggressive.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s got sensitive skin. Ooooooooh, sensitive skin…..’

‘Look it’s laughing at you, making fun of you.’

‘Yes, why wouldn’t you choose a totem animal that kills most humans world wide?’

I did read up on the totem stuff for the hippo. A few things there. But I’m guessing that is not the learning I am doing here. :-/ I feel very much not ready for the world outside but maybe, maybe, maybe it would be very good to have a bigger world outside to take my mind of things. Just a suggestion.

I am happy that I quit, it has been a bit of a difficult day for me because I notice that any tiny bit of trouble makes me doubt my sobriety and immediately fall back into serious addictive thinking of which the ‘I want this to go away now’ is pretty destructive. But I guess I learned by now that I can write a blog post, think things true during writing, come up with something that makes life doable at the end. And if not, it’s not the end. Whatever it takes is what it takes. Maybe I’ll get the egg-timer to do it’s work tomorrow, just to check on me. Aah, fuck the happy. I’m tired. And it scares me that I can say fuck the happy but maybe, I should just go to bed. Last night I slept all night. That would be the 3rd or 4th time in 5 months sober.

I want: pffff, I want it all. Ofcourse I want it all and I want it now. Addictive thinking. 😦

I need: to go to bed. The day has been worrysome enough. It’s about 23:30 here. And I need to improve my sleeping because noting this down that it is the 3rd or 4th time that I slept all night is amazing. I knew but it was never in the front of my mind. I guess these things pop up like what is the most urgent.

I take: hmmm, nothing today. Funny. So I am unhappy and immediately the care level drops. Interesting. Tsssss. Huh… Informative. And scary. And happy that I have this list with the happy, want, need check points. It is informative. Pfff, bedtime. Walked 8km today and stood talking for 2 hours with another store man (don’t worry, he’s 73 πŸ˜‰ )