Higher Power

NEW! I think I understand the concept of the Higher Power. What?! Yay! Just read the post of Mike and it came to me; to me addiction is not living along the healthy bio-logically along which the Universe operates. To me this world is one of opposing energies, yin and yang if you will, which balance each other out. There is chaos and creation and then there is law and restriction; both are required to build this world and everything in it.

Now when I got addicted I was in a state of unbalance where the chaos and creation (well, more like ‘expansion’) was so big that law and restriction did not get a grip on it in the normal way. They send signs: hangovers, bad work results, financial problems, stupid arguments with family, lousy days after…. They send weight gain, the shame, the depression and bad skin, red hands, blood-shot eyes but I did not listen. That’s when the restriction needs to get bigger and bigger and bigger and rock-bottom enters. Well, I fell, actually literally. Ha! The ground was hard. But it was just and it was solid. And it finally got to me that I was being self destructive and I did not want that anymore.

A lot of things have happened in 2018 already. I spoke with my demon, do not agree with him totally but it gave me an opening: less shame. And I found that I could belong and that I do not HAVE to focus on the negative. Also I found that I can look for help. NEW! Today I realised that if I live along the rules of the Higher Power all will be ok.

And again that means that I should be in bed. Not behind a screen.

Wishing you a beautiful (sober), connected weekend.

I am happy that I quit and grateful, be it in a tiny bit of a sad way, for the things I learn these days.

xx, Feeling

 

Told the bookstore man my blog name…

Not sure if I use the correct words but the store man told me today that he’s looking at quitting smoking pot – or something along those lines. And so (?) I told him my blog name…… (Hi!!) Warned him of the content. I forgot about the romantic fantasties, so here’s the heads up! πŸ˜€ Hmmm, what’s in a name….. Sigh. Gheghehghe….. grrrrrr and WHRAAAAAAAH!

We shall see. Not sure why I did this. Might need to work that out. I’m guessing it is because he’s now ‘one of us’. Ghegheghe…. enlisted. πŸ˜€

Funny that I do not worry about what I wrote. I suddenly do worry about what I might not write in the future. Hmmm… We shall see. Funny concept a not so anonymous anonymous blog. Guess there can be a trap in writing about issues while actually, secretly addressing things that I want the store man to read. Need to not do that. Stay clean and clear. Hmmm. What if I already stepped into that trap by mentioning the blog name. Tsssss….. Pffffff…. Hmmmm… So, there is now a need to stay clean in my intentions. Ok.

I am happy that I quit. Why? Because I finally feel I have my old self back ever since I read this tea label ‘Time to leave the past behind’. Yes, still doing development by tea label. πŸ™‚

I need: to continue on the path that I am at. Finances have been given to the finance man who is collecting money out of every corner. If all works well I’ll be getting at least 6 months worth of living back from the taxes but…. that might be AFTER I go broke on paying the current taxes :-D. So there is a little hole to be filled. Possibly with a job :-D. Yes I am joking and no I am not content with how I have dealt with this. Well, actually, I can moan about what I did, like I can moan about having been drinking but maybe, maybe, maybe I should be looking at what I am doing now. How I am dealing and I am still not on top of it but I am getting there. The fog is leaving and I am (finally) putting in good efforts in applying for jobs. If this is what it takes, this is what it takes.

I want: to continue to feel able. Control issue? It is nice to not feel like my life is slipping out of my hands. I also found a place to be where I trust that all will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end. That is NEW. Not sure if I mentioned it before: the catastrophic thinking is gone. I hope, I guess. Not sure now anymore, maybe I am just better at denying? :-D. Well, negative feedback is not gone yet I notice :-D.

I also found my HP definition / feel. I had in my ayahuasca ceremonies already met the ‘natural order of things’ but that natural order was an order because there is also something not in order. I met the ‘not in order’ a few days ago. It feels like creative chaos with a lot of growth power in it. I am guessing my HP definition does with that not differ from I don’t know what religion? It’s a bit of a yin-yang concept. And it includes my frustration about my ‘female’ life energy being enclosed and ordenend (is that a word?) by the ‘male’ so there’s food for thought too. :-/ A few days ago I had it all worked out and stabilised without the destructive male / female thing on it. It’s not easy to let go of. Sometimes I am in this mode where I don’t feel like a woman when I’m not allowed to be all over the place. With that comes the thought that anything that looks like order and comes from the outside directly ties me down, rapes and destructs me. Wonder what archetype thinking that would be. Please leave a note if you have thoughts on this. πŸ™‚

I am guessing that, along those lines of thinking, creating order in my life feels like destruction of me. I guess that is very much how I experience it. But the funny part of it is that I do order a lot of things; everybody elses shit preferably. πŸ˜€ There is a need for order in me. Just not applying it in the right place. Order and restriction, not my favorites. Also noticing that there is a whole world of difference in my reaction to those words when I feel through it, let my instincts run free – or when I actually think about it. Hmmm…. need to let this sink in. What I do notice is that there are natural movements, energies like ‘a need to order’ and ‘a need to be free’ but that I do not apply them ‘logically’ or ‘naturally’ or, what would the word be? I’m guessing that has to do with blockages, misunderstandings of concepts. In the way that addiction is a misunderstanding of life. I have no more words to this. Need to let it sink in.

3 Things that I am content with: I contacted the head of a big organisation with a business proposal and he was interested. I also applied for a job there. And the finances and taxes and shit being sorted out – that is a good feeling. Also I did yoga for 2 days. Nothing big, just 20 minutes with the strangest of ‘starter’ poses the book suggested: oeddijana (stand, exhale, pull in belly muscles to the spine and up), candle, plough, cobra, forward bend when sitting down, bow followed up with 5 different breathing exercises. I did not know I had let myself go so far. Informative. Well, I have noticed that the slow introduction of new habits into my life is good. I’m guessing I should see if I keep up with this one. πŸ™‚ And I am STILL not good at being content – can’t write anything good without dismantling it directly.

This discontent is engrained in my face, the corners of my mouth hang when my face is relaxed. I dislike that. When I walk the streets and really look at peoples faces and recognise the same I keep on thinking: you have not understood what it is about, life is NOT about storing sad memories and remembering all the negatives. Which… is easier to see and judge than to heal in myself. ;-).

I take: there is a Schuessler cell salt that actually says to work (literally!) against drooping corners of the mouth. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe… I think I should be taking this and making a cream of it too. πŸ˜€ FYI: the rest of the Schuessler salt text is about negativity, loss and sadness.

Well, so much so far. Hope you are doing well. I’m still not being very social when it comes to reading and responding. I need all my energy to get my life aligned. Which is good. That is what I got sober for :-).

Have a nice evening/day/night,

xx, Feeling