I just want things to be over

This is how I started of this evening: there is not way I can put this into a story and try to hide my ignorance or stupidity or whatever. So here it is: can anybody tell me why alcohol dependency is not like smoking?

I smoked, I quit, I never looked back.

I drank, I quit, and what now?

I want stuff to be over, I don’t want to be going through life every day struggling with myself. I am tired. I want things to be over. I don’t even ‘want it all’ anymore, just a little. But now. I just want to be, I don’t know? Normal! Not feel this shitload of shit.

I want to be normal. Not all over the place and difficult, oeeeeh, difficult. And I had written a whole lot of normal things but here I have done some editing on what my sad idea of normal looks like today. The nicest thing was: I just want to be able to have a meaningless relation too, bicker and fight and keep each other down and put blame on the other and think that that’s it fo the rest of the time. Blablabla – edit, edit, edit. Pfffff. I know it is not nice and it might even be hurtful. But it is what I am going through and I want this to be an honest document, including the very nasty parts of me. I feel like I can not and do not want to carry the responsibility to be nice about this and do justice to people. And I can say sorry, but there is nothing to base that on. This is where I show addict behaviour in my own eyes. 😦 Please love me while I know I am unlovable.

I thought it was impossible to stop drinking, that’s what kept me so long. With the same conviction I thought that relations are meant to be bad and hurtful. Well, Feeling, whether you think you can’t or you think you can, you are right. And…. moving from depression over to omnipotence. How convenient. :-/

My neighbours have 3 kids, the eldest is 11, he beats his younger sisters to pulp. The parents don’t do anything about it. And here I am feeling miserable about it. Why not them? Why am I scared to start a relationship, scared to get stuck, scared to be at the receiving end of somebodies viciousness or carelessness again. Eh, well, there is your answer… But why don’t other people mind? They say that people with certain dependencies look each other up naturally. I have that with people with bad relationships. Some people say I am too critical, those that do have or had shitty relations with loads of contempt for each other and me. I don’t want to be in a relation with contempt.  I have lived in the clouds of contempt of my parents. There was no escaping it, and no way, just no way I can every go back there. And I realise now that I expect relations to be like that. Have lived in that expectation all my life.

Feeling sorry for myself for the wrong reasons I guess. I don’t know. I’m just so emotional today. I am tired of having to keep my guard up. Of, I don’t know, not of being sober, being sober is good. But I am tired of the work I am doing for it and the things I feel I need to let go.

And I don’t feel I have the right to be tired or sad. I saw this homeless man this morning, he was pushing hit empty shopping car, bewildered, he was loosing it, he had lost it. It was pouring down. He was soaking wet. Until that moment I was happily singing ‘morning has broken’ on my bike, getting all wet, not caring because I had a warm home and a cat to turn back to. I have been reading The Realm of the Hungry Ghost by Gabor Maté and he gives an insight in the world of seriously addicted, homeless people. Normally I would not look at a homeless person unless they are selling the homeless paper. Today I felt so, so spoiled and so sorry for the man. And so lost, very much lost.

What is wrong with this society that the village idiot has become a homeless addict? Homeless addicts, multiple. Where children grow up watching more television than hours they go to school? Where ketchup is considered to be a vegetable serving. Ebola vaccines contain RFID chips. Where am I supposed to live? To go, to feel safe and sane? Good that it was pouring down so no need to feel awkward about the tears.

How come I feel I have to do everything myself? Ooh, well, I know! I do! But why?! Why don’t I trust people. Why can’t I just for once lean on somebody? Somebody else than a professional that is?

So what happened? Why am I lashing out again, blaming the world? I had hoped that was behind me. Life happened. I went to the sauna yesterday. Low and behold I met up with this blond version of Tarzan, he’s about 50 so he’s not a young blond god, he is an elderly blond god, so to say, with a beautiful natural body and good posture that said ‘joy, happiness, being at ease’. And no, the sauna is NOT a pick up place, well, gay sauna’s are, but this is a normal wellness centre, nothing funny about it. And I just happen to speak with people everywhere I go, male and female. I only mention the conversations that are exceptional.

This conversation lasted a long, and because it is a sauna the godlyness of somebody is rather out in the open. But that does not change much for me because due to my profession I can see through clothing anyhow. And if you and I are ever to meet: don’t worry about that because if you can see through everything, everything becomes very boring and uninteresting. Not to insult you upfront, but just. Pffff, complicated. Can of worms.

Well, no matter the godlyness, he was a really nice guy. We spoke 1 and a half hour and he seemed very much in contact with his emotions – without the disclaimer’ for a guy’- and was relaxed and intelligent. I am not asking for more, he could have been goddamn ugly for all I care. That would have even suited me better because I am and that would feel to be more of a match.

So what happened? We spoke and we spoke. And now there’s a thing that is a bit funny in the sauna, because we were both naked, there is not really another place to look than in each others face and eyes. And in order to do that you (I, everybody) really need to turn off anything else but genuine interest in the person and the conversation. Unless I want to be impolite and stare a the grass or the shrubs, or worst….. Which is very, very NOT DONE. Making moves in the sauna is also very, very NOT DONE. Yeah, cloths are easier, but being naked does make people more vulnerable and there is a good thing in that too.  FYI: all the relationship interest that got into this story has been added later. It is only after I left I felt that we had gotten connected.

We had been in a special sauna ritual together and the second one was coming up 1,5 hours after we started talking. He was thinking I would be in there as well. But I remembered that things were not that easy in early sobriety so I parted saying that I was ‘not feeling like it’. Which is stupid! What’s wrong with ‘I need to eat.’? He was a little confused and took a second to re-adjust and I noticed what I had just broken and wanted to hold on. But I did not, I got scared. Suddenly I realised that his reaction was more than I could handle right now and we parted. He said;  ‘I’ll see you after?’ And I said yes and walked off.

I went, got something to eat in the restaurant and noticed how my centering was totally off. Not sure what but it felt like my centre was trying to get out to be with him. There was this immense force pulling at my heart that was trying to break out of its cave to fly out, be together. And I did not. Because I was all out of whack from this meeting alone. And I thought: Now there is something I can not handle. Not now, possibly not ever.

I did go back later, 1,5 hours later to do the 3rd sauna ritual but he was not there.

The movie 28 Days says: take at least 2 years of sobriety before you start getting involved or even fall in love. First have a plant, if the plant lives, have a pet, if the pet lives, you might want to try finding a partner. I now know why.

I know his first name. I know where he works. He knows the same about me. And I am confused. I think I did the right thing but it is exactly what I do not want to give up.

So I threw an I-Tjing oracle and it is exactly the same as last 2 times I considered it. Which is a chance of 1 in about 260.000. It still says that I have accomplished something big, and am on the good road. Then it continuous on the circle of life. Life starts every day again, anew. The big thing I did is good, but it is just another step. The extra tip this time, in the question ‘Should I contact him?’ is: don’t speed, show restraint because that will give you time to develop the strength you need.

And I guess that is indeed true. Don’t want to fly in head (and heart) first like I always do. Learn to stay centered in contact is a  GOOD THING. And much needed. Pfffff.

And so another day ended. I did do other stuff than moan about life. I spend 2 hours on repairing an item for my elderly neighbour that had been cat-sitting last week when I was out. And I went to see GP3.

I learned that all that is bad, just is. As all that is good, just is. That I still carry the hurt of my parents marriage around and do not believe things can be different. That I have probably relived their relation myself in order to fix it. That I do not want to go there anymore but that means that I need to change my views and expectations. Expectations are sort of a recipe for life. I need to let go of the hurt, look it in the eye and the hurt says: you needed me to be pissed at guys, to despise them, so you do not have to feel your fear and you do not have to mend your broken heart. And my heart starts crying and says ‘But I am broken, how can I heal?’ and the answer is ‘Just heal, you have it in you. You have quit.  That is amongst others just a thing that needed to be done. You saw it could be done. That is how you can heal. Just, just heal. Have faith’. And my heart wants to be healed, and function like a real heart with courage and love and happiness and in sync with the world. So it does heal, right here, right now we start to heal. And so it is written. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I can hear my internal voice again. I just want to tell you all that this is because I stopped drinking. Isn’t that cool? Today I have changed a view I never even knew that was a view, I thought it was the truth. Sobriety is good.

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The mind might know it but the body does not

Out for a few days in my ‘homeland’. Brother and sister-in-law are on holiday and the house was empty so a friend of mine and I took the chance to some free holiday days. We had a wonderful 3 days. We started of with a quiet evening of cooking and reading and day 2 we took went for a walk  and played the game ‘memory’ at a lunchroom because it kept on raining. I lost and won 1 time from an 11 years younger friend so that is good.

Today we went biking and came along a forest where you can climb trees and do a sort of survival tour between the trees. 5 Meters high. That was…. interesting. Gooooood fun, good, good fun. Very heavy and I did have this moment where I lost my balance on this steel cable that moved to and fro. I hugged a pole like a koala bear repeating ‘I can’t move. I can’t move… ‘ I was paralyzed, could not think, could not move. We were in a harness, strapped to a life line so if we would fall it would be a drop of a meter or what, no harm done, but still… the mind might know that but the body does not. 🙂

So I got saved by this sweet 20 year old guy that is out there in his normal habitat. He just hung upside down from the steel cables to put some extra tension on them. And talked me through how to get up and continue. So I did.

Any insights? Yeah, I thought: God, I’m happy I don’t drink anymore. I would not have been able to get past this being paralyzed. I would have headed out there and drunk myself to oblivion ‘because it was such a fun day, whaaahahaaa, do you remember when I hung up there being all scared and shit, whaahaaahaaaha.’  I got up and arrived at the platform shaking like an esp leaf. And then we did the ‘jump of the platform and do the ropeway’. And I did and it was fun. We’re going to go next week again. Or in two weeks, when the muscle aches are over :-D. Wanno use every muscle in your body and not do yoga again? Try climbing through a forest.

I realise now that I have just accepted help, and I believed him. That is different too. That is very different. 🙂 This sobriety thing is cool. I love the opportunities it gives. From not being too tired to get up in the morning to winning at Memory (ok, and loosing) to daring to enter the climbing forest, being able to really do it without thinking ‘wish it was over so I could get a beer’. Being able to experience things for real. 🙂

Celebrate but don’t drink wine

Yesterday I decided I would order some extra supplements. But…. I keep on wondering: don’t I replace drinking with nutrients? Everybody needs nutrients and specifically with a history of alcohol abuse adding some supplements to my life would be a smart thing. However…. I don’t like the faith I put in it. I am fine I just still don’t believe that I am fine. This whole thing of getting sober was supposed to be so hard that I did not dare to walk the sober grounds for years. It scared me to death. And now I am here and it is not scary. It is a good thing to do, or drinking is a good thing not to do. Never knew that NOT doing something could be more important than DOING something.

So I wanted to get another opinion on the nutrients and find out what is behind this continuous I-need-this-stuff-no-I-do-not-need-this-stuff thinking. Obviously I do not ask anybody else, which would be a logic thing to do. No I ask the I-Tjing oracle. And the oracle says:

You have reached your goal and feel emptiness, psycho-analytically this would compare to fearing death. Make a new start. No matter what age you have, no matter what went wrong, live always gives you new chances at living.

A new time has come, celebrate, you are free now. But don’t drink wine.

No I won’t. 🙂

Happy that I quit! Strange it is sometimes.

Being creative with issues

Again, not feeling that there is something to share, get of my chest or discovery to be made.

Well, maybe one. After having discovered that I really react strongly to sugar I think I have now put my focus on that subject. So being at a party and being offered wine at several occasions and being questioned about not drinking did not bother me a bit. I even poured somebody a glass of wine without it connecting to something inside me. I was just very happy that they did not want to talk me into eating cake. That’s all. I call it ‘being creative with issues’. 😀

None of these people will drink excessively at somebody elses party but they all think that there are only 4-5 glasses of wine in a bottle. For those that have not seen the tables that should be 7,5 units for 12% wine and 9 units for 14% wine.

And we biked home and got to 45 kilometer in total so I don’t think I have to do my yoga today. But tomorrow I have to run and catch up on the deep cleaning and the online alcohol desensitivity training.

Happy that I biked. Happy to have seen friends. Happy that I did not feel ashamed about having drunk too much the night before. Happy that I have the energy to go. Happy that the alcohol depression did not make me feel like wanting to worm myself out of it. Happy that I was able to see how alcohol has an effect people and it does not add. I never drank during the day but still, looking back, every day had the same depressing colour and feel to it. No clarity. And that is what I want to become. I want to become clear.

Not proud anymore because, maybe because it is not about pride it is about process and/or transformation. I am guessing process is about pride, transformation not. Transformation is about being.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

The concept of ‘enough’.

This morning the foundling has gone to his new home at some neighbours of mine. They are VERY happy with him and I want him to stay near. By now I actually hope that the original owners do not turn up anymore. That’s what little cat foundlings do; walk straight into my heart and settle there. I cried. And I found out that my real bad drinking actually started after having to say goodbye to the kittens of the nest of my cat. So I shall have to take care to do a better job this time around.

My date for today cancelled so I went to a Sunday food market today instead; tens of stands with smoked fish, pies, vegetables, cheeses, all kinds of Chinese, Thai and otherworldly stuff for sale. 3 Years ago I went and I ate till I don’t know, till I had to undo my button I guess. I had a hangover then from the day before and I would not have gone if I had not made an appointment with a friend.

Today I enjoyed the wonderful fall sun and all the people walking about lazily. There is nothing that says ‘contentment’ so well like a sunny afternoon in early fall and the wind whispering through the leaves ever so now and then.

Today I enjoyed being out, having made the decision to go, I walked instead of biked, enjoying the weather even more. And slowly, very slowly I find that there is something like a concept of ‘enough’ developing in me. I bought a pie and it was wonderful, but I noticed that 4 bites less would have been ok too. NEW! For drinks I tried a fresh coconut. Wonderful, seems to be very nutritious, even so that it can replace mother milk for babies. And here as well: I could have done with less. NEW! There were wonderful mushrooms on sale for very little. I only bought 2 packages. A little more than a month ago I would have tried al 10 of them.

I have come to the place where I forget that I have quit drinking. It has become normal not to drink. I do not dislike going out of the house anymore because of all the reminders of alcohol in the streets. It is non of my business anymore, like smoking, cola or sugar. But… there was a sign asking ‘would you like to try our new beer?’ My first reaction was ‘well…’ And then remembered that I had quit. Ghegheghe. I took a good look around at those that were tasting it, really sucked in the dirty drunken atmosphere, felt what it brought and thought: No, I don’t want what you bring.’ A little more than one month ago I would have been standing there trying to hide my wanting.

Happy that I quit. Starting to be less proud, possibly because the fact is settling in or maybe because I am still not doing The Plan. Happy with being able to feel, recognise and partially orchestrate the positive changes that are in my life. It is new. I like it.