So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

The concept of ‘enough’.

This morning the foundling has gone to his new home at some neighbours of mine. They are VERY happy with him and I want him to stay near. By now I actually hope that the original owners do not turn up anymore. That’s what little cat foundlings do; walk straight into my heart and settle there. I cried. And I found out that my real bad drinking actually started after having to say goodbye to the kittens of the nest of my cat. So I shall have to take care to do a better job this time around.

My date for today cancelled so I went to a Sunday food market today instead; tens of stands with smoked fish, pies, vegetables, cheeses, all kinds of Chinese, Thai and otherworldly stuff for sale. 3 Years ago I went and I ate till I don’t know, till I had to undo my button I guess. I had a hangover then from the day before and I would not have gone if I had not made an appointment with a friend.

Today I enjoyed the wonderful fall sun and all the people walking about lazily. There is nothing that says ‘contentment’ so well like a sunny afternoon in early fall and the wind whispering through the leaves ever so now and then.

Today I enjoyed being out, having made the decision to go, I walked instead of biked, enjoying the weather even more. And slowly, very slowly I find that there is something like a concept of ‘enough’ developing in me. I bought a pie and it was wonderful, but I noticed that 4 bites less would have been ok too. NEW! For drinks I tried a fresh coconut. Wonderful, seems to be very nutritious, even so that it can replace mother milk for babies. And here as well: I could have done with less. NEW! There were wonderful mushrooms on sale for very little. I only bought 2 packages. A little more than a month ago I would have tried al 10 of them.

I have come to the place where I forget that I have quit drinking. It has become normal not to drink. I do not dislike going out of the house anymore because of all the reminders of alcohol in the streets. It is non of my business anymore, like smoking, cola or sugar. But… there was a sign asking ‘would you like to try our new beer?’ My first reaction was ‘well…’ And then remembered that I had quit. Ghegheghe. I took a good look around at those that were tasting it, really sucked in the dirty drunken atmosphere, felt what it brought and thought: No, I don’t want what you bring.’ A little more than one month ago I would have been standing there trying to hide my wanting.

Happy that I quit. Starting to be less proud, possibly because the fact is settling in or maybe because I am still not doing The Plan. Happy with being able to feel, recognise and partially orchestrate the positive changes that are in my life. It is new. I like it.

Wow! Gabor Maté

Got a tip on Gabor Maté so I looked him up on youtube. Happy now. I am happy that I quit and happy that I did this outside the regular care systems because it HAS stimulated my self-healing power and that WAS why I did it. And it IS exactly what I need. Maté confirms the importance of the self healing power. 🙂 Happy now.

Yes, I am happy with this confirmation. Why? Because I no matter how well I think I am doing, I (either project or) get these looks of ‘Hmmm, let’s wait and see how this turns out.’ And: ‘Watch out with being happy, happiness will make you overly confident and that will get you on the booze in no time.’

I feel very intensely that what I am doing is right, but I have never ever walked this terrain, I do look for support. But ‘watch out for happiness?’ I get confused and it hurts me because it is so, I don’t even know the word, that whole thought is wrong in its core, corrupting of what healing really is, of what people really, really need. Its emptiness in itself is indicative for this society and they way we treat each other, the way we raise our kids, the emptiness I have been trying to fill with beer. Well, that did not work. So now I try a different approach.

If I would have believed that happiness will get me on the booze immediately I would be now. Because I would have fallen into the biggest trap of addiction: the thought that I can never be free. I am free of alcohol. I am not free of all the damage it has done to my body, my mind and my spirit. But people heal. And that is what I intend to do because that is what I must do.

I am HAPPY that I quit! And HAPPY to have found somebody who has walked this path before and knows the grounds. Very HAPPY and PROUD that I looked around the corner in order to find ways of healing myself, learn from people who know their shit.

And guess what? He’s addicted to buying books when he’s in a shitty mood  in order to stimulate (control) is his personal growth 😉

New lay, new life, another old dream

Hello,

I thought it was time for a new layout. I make such long paragraphs that the small lay that I had does not make for nice reading. Not sure about the picture yet, was looking for something that depicted the natural order of things. This is from a medieval painting depicting god creating the world in a natural order. Not sure about the god part but I do think there is a natural order. I was looking for a photo of nature that shows this but I only get sunflowers and I am not big on yellow or yellow with brown. Those were my worries for the day. 🙂

Went out with an elderly neighbour to an ecological fruit garden just outside the city where we could get our own apples and pears from the tree. Had a nice little walk and some apples of course, beautiful weather.

I feel it is time to start to live again. As in: be responsible for all aspects of my life, not only mental and physical health that I have been looking into the last 4 weeks. My GP3 asked me to draw up a plan since I indicated that I was not ready yet or not willing to look for outside help other than seeing her and my therapist. GP1 had said to me months ago: ‘We need to look into your problem with alcohol, but we will only do what you want and when you want it.’ And that was exactly the only way she could keep me in and doing this. I know me, later I realised that if she would have come up with one tiny hint of a plan in that stage I would have opposed against it. That’s not only booze talking, that’s the character.

Later when I was doing an intake for a program I thought it was a good thing to surrender that part of me but it did not work. I can only do all or nothing so I gave up everything and handed it over to ‘Those That Will Help Me’. That included my, what I call Initiative – my, not sure how to explain, inner responsibility for living?

So I went down hill rapidly from then on. Then at the day they did not call while they had said they would, I collapsed and while collapsing I noticed that I had given everything away. ‘Even they don’t think I am worth saving.’ (add drunk whining) And while noticing that and thinking ‘there is nothing left of me’ another thought came into my head ‘I always, always have myself. What to I want to do?’

I want to quit drinking and I want to become clear, walk my path. I want to Live.

‘How are you going to do that?’ Give it everything I got. I have intellect, I can read, I have this strange ability to feel my way through healing. Taking into account that I have been addicted for so long I still have quite a lot of honesty left in me. I have quit smoking, eating sugar and drinking caffeine, I know how to recognise a trap and if I have trouble or fail I can always ask help. I can trust myself in knowing what is good for me.’

And there is also a part that touched my pride because if (I imagine) that somebody says I’m not worth it, I might as well prove them wrong. Well. Let’s say I have used what I got to break the bonds with alcohol. I thought that was impossible. I thought there was nothing left of me. I guess that I was so hopelessly lost that it really was a do or die decision.

(And I’m going to compare this story with other writing before just to see if it is getting more heroic by the time.)

I have born myself again. Had a dream about that, it was 20 years ago. I had just seen the movie ‘Where the green ants dream’. In this movie an Aboriginal man sits under a trea and dreams his child. I thought that was wonderful, I understood it as meditating on the new child to come and therewith inviting a spirit to reincarnate. And in the same week I read that immaculate conception is technically possible if 2 eggs of a women mix and make a baby. That would make a clone.

So I dreamed that I had become pregnant of myself and that I had born myself. I was having a great time but being 15 I got shunned by my family. Not for being pregnant but for ‘lying’ about it which I did not because I had born myself OBVIOUSLY!! :-D. I was however allowed to live in a tent in the garden but that was about all, and doctors kept on saying that it was impossible and that the baby just looked like me a lot. ‘Give it time and it will look different.’ And of course there was my brother in the sideline despising me. All in all I was having the most important experience of my life and feeling great but I was confused by what was going on around me and people’s judgements.

Having born myself was wonderful. I understood everything I said and wanted and there was no confusion in mother I about ‘does she need a diaper or food?’ And the other way around: baby I could just communicate and be understood. It was sooo good to take care of me and be taken care of by me. In the dream I felt old pain of not being understood and needs that had not been met repairing. I could feel hurt leaving my cells and contentment and peace settle.

In real life I had been a very angry baby. I was born angry and crying angrily and very loudly. My mother said she had never seen such an angry baby. She always said that with some apprehension so I have always guessed that must have been there when I was a baby too. Well, it was there every time she said it. I feel that part of me drinking has to do with me ‘not wanting to be on this planet’. I feel I have not done the last part of my incarnation and that my anger as a baby and now has something to do with that.

Incarnation to me is about living, taking responsibility, walking my path and enjoying life as it is meant to be – whatever that might entail. I have always felt that there is a big part in me that does not want to take responsibility, would ‘rather not be here’ because ‘it is too difficult’. Me quitting drinking is important in this process of finally fully incarnating. If I totally want to be here before I die I have done a good thing with my life. And yes, I am always afraid that only an experience that has the magnitude of dying can get that depressed touch out of me… Hmmm, guess I’m running (trying to run?) to beat that to it. This is possibly a moment where the ‘believing in a higher power’ comes in handy, or letting go.

So, I am thinking I solved not being understood by having born myself and taking care of me. Part of it is sad, another part is obviously food for psychiatrists on narcissism and I have heard the dream being described as ‘a superior form of incest’ too. But I am happy with taking the healing part of it. 🙂

There was an end to it that I do not understand yet. I saw toddler I walk as a 3 years old. My dream said: the problem with you is that you are so ……  And I cannot remember that, I thought it was ‘black and white’ or ‘split’ (what would be within the theme of the dream) or ‘divided’. On her body was a raster of lines, 8 horizontal lines connected by 3 vertical lines so it was like a very simple drawing of book shelfs with 14 little blocks. The total fitted on the body of the toddler I and the left blocks, so on toddler I’s right side, where all white, the other blocks were black. And if toddler I did anything that brought me/her out of balance the blocks would shift like crazy and I/she would be uncomfortable.

About the black and white, I guess that can be taken literal; apart from my actual hair colour, compared to others, very little is grey area in me. I live in either/or situations. Trying to work on that, it is not elegant and does not suit my age. It does come in handy while not drinking or saying goodbye to people who are bad for me; snip, there goes the umbilical cord. Actually I am using a few rather nasty character treats to cut the booze connection. Hmmm, peculiar.

Right now I am understanding the blocks as such: I cannot moderate. 🙂 And my body can’t work with sugar very well which is called hypoglycemia and that is linked to getting addicted to alcohol / is linked to drinking for a long time, not sure yet which or maybe both.

Well, that was a long post and 3 to 5 subjects in one again. If you made it this far I thank you. Have a nice new week!

Happy that I quit and proud of it.

You humans, all this haste.

One of the things on my ‘sober to do list’ is get out more, be more active. Woods, parklands are my favourite place to be and lo and behold, we actually have a wonderful wood around the corner. Went there with a friend this afternoon. It was lovely. Why have I never been there before? It’s only a 20 minute bike ride away? We found a new strip of wood through the city that has only bike paths, wonderful.

We found a paddock in the sun with a large tree and a beautiful view. Sat there the whole afternoon, talk, picnic, watch a heron that caught 3 mice while we were there, laid down in the grass, feel the earth beneath my body. I was explaining why Himalayan salt is so special and started of with ‘This salt comes out of a salt mine and is 150 million years old. But actually, we are too. I heard this women say “I am as old as the world because I am made of elements that have been around as long as the world exists’. We pondered on that while laying in the grass and with this thought in my head I really could lay down, let the world carry me, the sun warm me.

The wind passed by, turned to look at us and said; ‘Don’t worry. Let go. It is how it has been for millions of years. You humans, all this haste.’

 

Nutrients based approach to alcohol addiction

Very excited: started in the new book ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’ by Joan Mattews Larson she advocates to cure alcohol addiction by getting the right nutrients in your body so that your brain can function normal again. She says addiction to alcohol is very much a physical disease. Only in 19 pages in the book yet but loving it! Wish I had this before, I had to look up all the nutrient info myself on the internet. She claims an 80% recovery at the Health Recovery Center and promises ‘no cravings’. 80% Is very high compared to the maximum of, I believe, 22% that other methods claim. I am reading it because I want to learn more about addiction and because I have no cravings as opposed to ‘all’ the others in this sober blog world. I am assuming that there is a relation to the nutrients I have taken while prepping for detoxing and during detoxing. Very curious as to how it works exactly.

Also she says hypoglycemia and alcohol addiction are related. I have hypoglycemia myself, the effects are not as bad anymore as I used have  because I eat more regularly and used to not eat added sugar (except for the drinkable ones, yes hypocrite) and not even fruit because that set me off. Everybody I know that has hypoglycemia has a drinking problem. And, when reading all these sober blogs, everybody has an issue with sugar intake after they have stopped. And I am developing a sweet tooth myself, which is ridiculous. I, 100% convinced that sugar is poison, becoming a sugar addict now? Well actually in my life, I quit cold turkey from not eating a lot of sugar (10 biscuits in a week max), 25-40 cigarets a day, 3 liters of cola light and 12 units of alcohol a day. Quitting the sugar was the worst, tremendous headaches . I got back ‘on it’ 5 years later when I stopped smoking.

Also recognising what she says is ‘being over sensitive to chemicals’. I have that. Not sure anymore if I left it in the blog but a ‘fluoride poisoning’ and my approach to that was what lead me to believe I could quit.

Really looking forward to reading everything. Can’t wait. Have to get ready to leave now though.

‘Extreme mood swings’ is also one of the signs of a lack of nutrients. 😉

Slowly connecting

Had a dream last night, it was all important but I forgot. I really need to make the headboard to the bed so I can sit up and write without leaving the bed and forgetting the dream. One thing I did remember though is that in the dream people and I spoke. They were not doing what I wanted yet but. There was interaction other than despise and dislike or plain disinterest. New! And the people in the dream where not all of the same opinion – normally that would be; against me. 😦 New!

I read up on self-destruction and self-hate the other day. And I have been wondering; if I feel my way through the world, I don’t know anybody that actually likes him/herself. It is a big thing in the sober blog world too, although I have not yet seen posts that actually have it as a subjects. There are sentences here, a sentence there.

I might know maybe 3 people, but these are people who have tons of people knowledge and skills. But I am not socially in contact with those so I don’t know their private lives. I would be guessing that my actual world is a little skewed and that I make a selection of people to socialize with. And.. that I would not react well to people who like themselves. Sorry world! 😦  Or is it one of these Love Hate Knowlegde things where you, either hate yourself, love yourself and then as you proceed come to know yourself and not specifically ‘love’ or ‘hate’. Dunno.

Voice in my head: Feeling, it is ok to love. Loving is part of being human.

It feels like, no, it used to feel like something I was not allowed to do because ‘When I hate myself, at least I am doing something good.’ Now things have changed, I quit drinking, I am happy and proud of it. Loving me is possible.

Thinking, remembering, feeling the meeting with my divine spark again. Years ago I did a few ayahuasca ceremony because I felt dead after my mother had died. Like a big part of me had gone with her. It felt like every cell of my body wast totally lost. Disintegrating.

My inner voice introduced me to my ‘divine spark’. It was beautiful. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It did take hours of internal work before I could believe it and look at it and trust myself and the world that it was within me, and every person, animal and plant for that matter. Ayahuasca ceremonies are a good thing, it is like a year of therapy in one session. (Sorry to the reader I think I do not have to say sorry to about this… 🙂 ). But the work is to put the experience back into the real world. It’s nice to be all happy and loving when stoned. But that’s not the point. Putting it back into attitude, intentions and behaviour is the point.

Which of course I did not, I returned to drinking within I believe 2 weeks after. But I knew what to head for. And that’s good. And about a year ago, in a session with my therapist I found it back, without the ayahuasca. And the last days, ever so now and then, when writing, or when reading on the balcony the experience returns. Happy now. 🙂

Happy that I quit. Proud of it. Content with the organic process that followed quitting.

Physical and emotional changes

I’v decided to make this a continous blog so I’ll be adding as I proceed.

Next Monday it is 3 weeks ago that I quit from drinking on average 12 units of alcohol pro day. I mainly drank beer that could be sold under the German Reinheitsgebot – this ensures that it only contains what it should contain and no added sugar etc. And also ecological white or sometimes red wine. I know it all sounds hypocrite but I thought: even if I ruin myself, I might as well do that carefully. I want to still be alive at  the time I decide to start living. I also ate to balance out the loss of vitamines, minerals and omega fat etc. But still…

Since I stopped several physical and mental changes occurred. Some have been mentioned already in other posts. But I thought I’d  list them all here. In order of importance, to me.

1 No more suicide thoughts. Gone. Directly with taking back my Initiative. So much for authenticity. 😉 I am still not emotionally stable but reading from day 1 to now I see and feel improvements. I guess I do not expect emotional stability until being in a situation where payment is secure.

Week 4: feeling more stable, stumbled over some issues that I are hurting but now I can ‘stay with it’ and not drown myself. So it feels like there can be healing.

2 I have no cravings for drink. And only a few thoughts about drinking or old pattern thoughts coming up. Like ‘shit, need to get the bottles out when they come visit’ while there are no bottles.

Week 4: still hardly any cravings. Quitting eating sugar was 4 times as hard. But that was my first ‘quit’ ever. After that I did smoking, caffeine and drinking.

3 No more pain in the chest, trembling in my heart and from that panic attacks. No pain in my left arm anymore (yes, I know… why did I drink if I had all of this?)

4 No more pain in the liver. And I can lay down on my left side again without feeling uncomfortable. Not sure if I’ve got this correctly but I believe an irritated liver can be so heavy that it presses down on the stomach and so and make you feel uncomfortable when laying on the left shoulder.

5 Less to no pain in my back (kidneys? I hope not, it was gone when I stopped drinking nettle tea aswell, that works on the kidneys but seems to be able to really irritate them.) It took 3 days for my urine to clear up and get less ‘thick’ (hopefully not ‘sugary’).

Week 4: docter says kidneys work ok.

6 I immediately slept better, get some help from some earplugs and my favourite tea ‘Celestial Seasoning’s  ‘Sleep Time’. In the beginning I was very, very tired. The first 8-10 days I slept 2 hours during day time as well and about 10-12 at night. And I do not wake myself up because of a loud snore anymore so I guess that has improved too.

Week 4: waking up earlier, need less sleep.

7  When I drank I seemed to cry every day, all day. Whatever question one would ask I would cry or at least feel like crying. Gone. I do cry, but now it heals and the hurting stuff actually fades. Generally ‘not repairing emotionally’ was one of the things that worried me before but being overly sentimental seemed to be connected to alcohol too. Another one of these ‘authenticity thingies’

8 My hands stopped trembling visibly after 8 or 10 days or so. My A4 paper test is improving but still not 100%.

Week 4: A4 test still not 100%

9 I can focus longer than I could and thinking does not tire me anymore. But it is still a thing. Yesterday I posted on trust in myself but it does not only come down to trusting. I need ‘doing’ and the doing is not happening yet. I do feel  that my post have become less erratic. My brain still has the tendency to jump everywhere, but it is getting less. I sometimes see where I trail of and can actually decide to leave some of the thoughts and subjects out of one post. But I still do not have my usual intelligence back, the sharp thinking, the clarity. Fogg is still there. I wonder now if I want it to leave…. That might be an issue. Hmmm.

Week 4: focus is getting better, posts still erratic but I am starting to see some of it and delete it beforehand.

10 The electricity running through my brain does not go all wrong anymore. I had these little lightnings in my brain sometimes. Scary, specifically when I read that alcohol abuse could cause epilepsy. They sort of go away immediately when eating Celtic Salt.

11 My eye sight has improved. Possibly because I am less tired. Possibly because I want to be more ‘clear’.

12 My skin and skin tone have changed and I actually get sunburned now with less sun that I had before. Before I could stay in the sun for 2 hours and stay white. Now, and later in the season, I am in the sun for 20 minutes and turn red. Not sure how that works. Also, because I am less bloated, the wrinkles around my eyes have tripled in size and I have bags under my eyes but that is only because the rest of the puffiness is gone. My breasts are starting to hang too because off being less puffy. Also, because of being less bloated I can feel the lobules better, but they hurt less and less every day. Beer contains hop and hop contains phytoestrogens that mimic the estrogens of the body and cause beer ‘tits’ and a beer belly in man and women.

My hands are still red in colour. But less now everyday. This also has something to do with estrogens being out of balance. Week 4: still red hands, getting less but I would have thought is would go away quicker.

Less cellulite.

13 I am finally losing weight. That makes me very happy. My eating habits have changed completely. I was used to try to eat myself through the day, every piece of food was there as an answer to one or the other craving. The cravings have gone. Quantity and calorie wise I think I eat half of what I ate, no problem. And of course I do not drink 24 sandwiches at night. And alcohol is very stimulating to the bowels and races the food to its final destination. That is bad because only the calories get taken in, the nutrients seem to take longer. But that has changed immediately too.

Thirst is back. I had lost thirst, that is also a sign of dehydration. I think I could have lost more weight if I had not eaten my way through the first 3 detox days with a lot of pork meat (vitamin B of all kinds) and some comfort stuff like chips, chocolate (for the magnesium of course!!) and let us not forget the cod liver for vitamin D and A. Don’t be surprised that I gained about 2 kilo’s – part of which must have been water weight because of the Celtic salt solutions I drank. Of course. 😉

14 When I don’t drink I wake up singing, I have more volume now and can hold a tone better. Cat doesn’t like it so it is on 14.

15 3 Weeks in. Sex drive returns in a disastrous way. Not felt anything seriously for any guy for about 3-4 years. Imagine being in a programme where everybody starts at the same time and then this happens. Gheghegheghe.

16 The inside of my throat stopped hurting after about 3-4 days. That took longer than I thought.

 

Things that have not changed yet in order of importance

1 I have quite an issue with my memory, I guess it needs practice, it does not feel unrepairable but the ‘not wanting to be in the moment practice’ that I have done has taken its toll. My memory has become lazy. I would have expected it to have improved by now but it hasn’t. I guess it has to do with my hiding inside not doing stuff. I think I am making good progress but every day is sort of the same if you look at what I do. Sleep, read, blog,  clean, shop, eat. And pat the cat.

Week 4: My memory is getting better with doing more stuff outside the house. Memory seems to need reference points. But my time reference is still off. That can also be influenced by the changes I go through. I have a lot of internal experiences that are not measureable in time. If I vacuum the house I know how long it takes. If I read a book and have a tremendous insight it can take 3 seconds or half an hour. I don’t know.

2 My tongue still has these little indents at the side. Which is no good because it is an indication of nutrients not arriving at the right places in the body.

3 I still have a lot of tension in my body, can’t relax, not ever, only sleep. Need to ensure me an income from scratch while bill are piling up. That does cause tension.

Week 4: The tension is still there, getting a little less and there are some moments that I can actually enjoy being alive and in the moment. Being in nature or looking at a sunset helps very much.

4 I was hoping for beautiful meaningful dreams, at least 3 of them every night. But ‘all’ I get are these stupid, boring dreams that drag on and on and on. Maybe I’m in a rut. That’s what it’s telling.

Week 4: having beautiful dreams but forgetting them. I need to build a board behind my bed so I can sit up straight and write at night. Not a day goes by though that I remember very old dreams that seemd irrelevant then, but suddenly have meaning now.

5 I was expecting some ‘work’ and ‘repairs’ needed to be done ‘on me’. After all I have been not living through experiences for many years so I could easily have a backlog and lack of experience. The work that needs to be done is in fields where I did not expect it. I expected the cravings to be really hard but I have non. And I expected the work on me to be pleasurable and interesting and special. Ghegheghe. Well, actually, I am having fun with me. And I do know that might not seem so. My blog is rather dark, a-social, one-sided, most probably a 100 times too honest and all in all a 1000 times too awkward. All my neighbour bloggers have 294 followers and as many likes from day one, which I guess I will never ‘have’ because of that. But I put, somethings throw (sorry) this shit (sorry) out here because I don’t want to ruin friendships (sorry) with my mess (sorry again). The stuff I carry around is not suitable for a kitchen table. When at a kitchen table I want to be together, enjoy a nice dinner. We talk and we talk of some of the difficulties that we have, but not of the deep shit that worries me currently. My need is in being able to experience the good and the normal and the way it should be. Hence the blog.

Week 4: still no cravings, loads of work on me. Still having fun even though some of it might seem pretty dark and angry. Though I feel that there is some light in the darkness and that I do have repair skills. Added a ‘follow’ button to my blog today. Really hope that more people will comment. It has taken me 4 weeks to come to a point where I can be happy and excited about that. It is good.

6 My eyes are still a little red. I always thought it was from the booze but they are still red now. So I guess there is more to it. They are pretty dry too.  The white around it is whiter and they actually see more happy things and when I look into the mirror they smile at me. 🙂

Week 4: starting to like the look on my face and my face again. That is years ago. Eyes are still red and dry but it is a surface red that goes away quickly.

7 The top of my head is cold since I stopped drinking. Not sure why. Maybe it has always been cold and I never noticed. Dunno. Ha, googled it, internet is filled with cold heads :-). Where would we be without Google. Well, calling our mothers or aunties, that’s where we would be, or wearing hats.

Conclusion: I’m doing all right but I haven’t gotten to doing what I should do and that is keeping me down. Yes, hanging on to misery keeps my identity in tact so there is some ‘gain’. :-D.

Happy that I quit and happy that you have read to all of this. 🙂 Please leave a post if you like.