The mind might know it but the body does not

Out for a few days in my ‘homeland’. Brother and sister-in-law are on holiday and the house was empty so a friend of mine and I took the chance to some free holiday days. We had a wonderful 3 days. We started of with a quiet evening of cooking and reading and day 2 we took went for a walk  and played the game ‘memory’ at a lunchroom because it kept on raining. I lost and won 1 time from an 11 years younger friend so that is good.

Today we went biking and came along a forest where you can climb trees and do a sort of survival tour between the trees. 5 Meters high. That was…. interesting. Gooooood fun, good, good fun. Very heavy and I did have this moment where I lost my balance on this steel cable that moved to and fro. I hugged a pole like a koala bear repeating ‘I can’t move. I can’t move… ‘ I was paralyzed, could not think, could not move. We were in a harness, strapped to a life line so if we would fall it would be a drop of a meter or what, no harm done, but still… the mind might know that but the body does not. 🙂

So I got saved by this sweet 20 year old guy that is out there in his normal habitat. He just hung upside down from the steel cables to put some extra tension on them. And talked me through how to get up and continue. So I did.

Any insights? Yeah, I thought: God, I’m happy I don’t drink anymore. I would not have been able to get past this being paralyzed. I would have headed out there and drunk myself to oblivion ‘because it was such a fun day, whaaahahaaa, do you remember when I hung up there being all scared and shit, whaahaaahaaaha.’  I got up and arrived at the platform shaking like an esp leaf. And then we did the ‘jump of the platform and do the ropeway’. And I did and it was fun. We’re going to go next week again. Or in two weeks, when the muscle aches are over :-D. Wanno use every muscle in your body and not do yoga again? Try climbing through a forest.

I realise now that I have just accepted help, and I believed him. That is different too. That is very different. 🙂 This sobriety thing is cool. I love the opportunities it gives. From not being too tired to get up in the morning to winning at Memory (ok, and loosing) to daring to enter the climbing forest, being able to really do it without thinking ‘wish it was over so I could get a beer’. Being able to experience things for real. 🙂

Celebrate but don’t drink wine

Yesterday I decided I would order some extra supplements. But…. I keep on wondering: don’t I replace drinking with nutrients? Everybody needs nutrients and specifically with a history of alcohol abuse adding some supplements to my life would be a smart thing. However…. I don’t like the faith I put in it. I am fine I just still don’t believe that I am fine. This whole thing of getting sober was supposed to be so hard that I did not dare to walk the sober grounds for years. It scared me to death. And now I am here and it is not scary. It is a good thing to do, or drinking is a good thing not to do. Never knew that NOT doing something could be more important than DOING something.

So I wanted to get another opinion on the nutrients and find out what is behind this continuous I-need-this-stuff-no-I-do-not-need-this-stuff thinking. Obviously I do not ask anybody else, which would be a logic thing to do. No I ask the I-Tjing oracle. And the oracle says:

You have reached your goal and feel emptiness, psycho-analytically this would compare to fearing death. Make a new start. No matter what age you have, no matter what went wrong, live always gives you new chances at living.

A new time has come, celebrate, you are free now. But don’t drink wine.

No I won’t. 🙂

Happy that I quit! Strange it is sometimes.

Being creative with issues

Again, not feeling that there is something to share, get of my chest or discovery to be made.

Well, maybe one. After having discovered that I really react strongly to sugar I think I have now put my focus on that subject. So being at a party and being offered wine at several occasions and being questioned about not drinking did not bother me a bit. I even poured somebody a glass of wine without it connecting to something inside me. I was just very happy that they did not want to talk me into eating cake. That’s all. I call it ‘being creative with issues’. 😀

None of these people will drink excessively at somebody elses party but they all think that there are only 4-5 glasses of wine in a bottle. For those that have not seen the tables that should be 7,5 units for 12% wine and 9 units for 14% wine.

And we biked home and got to 45 kilometer in total so I don’t think I have to do my yoga today. But tomorrow I have to run and catch up on the deep cleaning and the online alcohol desensitivity training.

Happy that I biked. Happy to have seen friends. Happy that I did not feel ashamed about having drunk too much the night before. Happy that I have the energy to go. Happy that the alcohol depression did not make me feel like wanting to worm myself out of it. Happy that I was able to see how alcohol has an effect people and it does not add. I never drank during the day but still, looking back, every day had the same depressing colour and feel to it. No clarity. And that is what I want to become. I want to become clear.

Not proud anymore because, maybe because it is not about pride it is about process and/or transformation. I am guessing process is about pride, transformation not. Transformation is about being.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

The concept of ‘enough’.

This morning the foundling has gone to his new home at some neighbours of mine. They are VERY happy with him and I want him to stay near. By now I actually hope that the original owners do not turn up anymore. That’s what little cat foundlings do; walk straight into my heart and settle there. I cried. And I found out that my real bad drinking actually started after having to say goodbye to the kittens of the nest of my cat. So I shall have to take care to do a better job this time around.

My date for today cancelled so I went to a Sunday food market today instead; tens of stands with smoked fish, pies, vegetables, cheeses, all kinds of Chinese, Thai and otherworldly stuff for sale. 3 Years ago I went and I ate till I don’t know, till I had to undo my button I guess. I had a hangover then from the day before and I would not have gone if I had not made an appointment with a friend.

Today I enjoyed the wonderful fall sun and all the people walking about lazily. There is nothing that says ‘contentment’ so well like a sunny afternoon in early fall and the wind whispering through the leaves ever so now and then.

Today I enjoyed being out, having made the decision to go, I walked instead of biked, enjoying the weather even more. And slowly, very slowly I find that there is something like a concept of ‘enough’ developing in me. I bought a pie and it was wonderful, but I noticed that 4 bites less would have been ok too. NEW! For drinks I tried a fresh coconut. Wonderful, seems to be very nutritious, even so that it can replace mother milk for babies. And here as well: I could have done with less. NEW! There were wonderful mushrooms on sale for very little. I only bought 2 packages. A little more than a month ago I would have tried al 10 of them.

I have come to the place where I forget that I have quit drinking. It has become normal not to drink. I do not dislike going out of the house anymore because of all the reminders of alcohol in the streets. It is non of my business anymore, like smoking, cola or sugar. But… there was a sign asking ‘would you like to try our new beer?’ My first reaction was ‘well…’ And then remembered that I had quit. Ghegheghe. I took a good look around at those that were tasting it, really sucked in the dirty drunken atmosphere, felt what it brought and thought: No, I don’t want what you bring.’ A little more than one month ago I would have been standing there trying to hide my wanting.

Happy that I quit. Starting to be less proud, possibly because the fact is settling in or maybe because I am still not doing The Plan. Happy with being able to feel, recognise and partially orchestrate the positive changes that are in my life. It is new. I like it.

Wow! Gabor Maté

Got a tip on Gabor Maté so I looked him up on youtube. Happy now. I am happy that I quit and happy that I did this outside the regular care systems because it HAS stimulated my self-healing power and that WAS why I did it. And it IS exactly what I need. Maté confirms the importance of the self healing power. 🙂 Happy now.

Yes, I am happy with this confirmation. Why? Because I no matter how well I think I am doing, I (either project or) get these looks of ‘Hmmm, let’s wait and see how this turns out.’ And: ‘Watch out with being happy, happiness will make you overly confident and that will get you on the booze in no time.’

I feel very intensely that what I am doing is right, but I have never ever walked this terrain, I do look for support. But ‘watch out for happiness?’ I get confused and it hurts me because it is so, I don’t even know the word, that whole thought is wrong in its core, corrupting of what healing really is, of what people really, really need. Its emptiness in itself is indicative for this society and they way we treat each other, the way we raise our kids, the emptiness I have been trying to fill with beer. Well, that did not work. So now I try a different approach.

If I would have believed that happiness will get me on the booze immediately I would be now. Because I would have fallen into the biggest trap of addiction: the thought that I can never be free. I am free of alcohol. I am not free of all the damage it has done to my body, my mind and my spirit. But people heal. And that is what I intend to do because that is what I must do.

I am HAPPY that I quit! And HAPPY to have found somebody who has walked this path before and knows the grounds. Very HAPPY and PROUD that I looked around the corner in order to find ways of healing myself, learn from people who know their shit.

And guess what? He’s addicted to buying books when he’s in a shitty mood  in order to stimulate (control) is his personal growth 😉