I have me, I always have me

Shame, the emotion that does not want to be seen.

Went to pick up BrenΓ© Brown’s book on Imperfections. Which is about 11 months after it has first been advised to me ;-). Got to the store. Had tea and spoke with a guest and the bookstore man. Things were strange the whole hour and I felt I had to clear something up on what was said in the conversations. We did and all was ok-ish, I don’t know. Since I realised I don’t actually know the book store man there seems to be a distance between us. It is so intriguing how these things work. Also, he’s pretty strange when it comes to me speaking with other people, he always checks one way or the other whether I am interested in a man. Not nice. 😦 About not knowing a person and still thinking you (i!) do…. Sigh.

Well, I’m not alone, biology favoured people who fall in love easily over those who don’t because it is a factor that stimulates offspring. People who wait 5 year to have kids have way less kids than those who go for it. That’s the biological reason for falling in love. True, it’s all a bit overdone at 45 to think of offspring but, it is there and that is how it is. And yes, it blinds. That is exactly the biological purpose of falling in love. Sigh again.

I went home and suddenly full-blown shame overwhelmed me. This is where I feel myself standing in this strange dark, sober land of nothingness. Strong winds blast sand and stones from all directions. All I can do is stand, endure, feel myself, feel what is happening. I did. Winds of shame and condemnation effortlessly blew away my defences, the rubbish, the excuses, the attachments. They blew through me and I let them go. It took all I had, what was left was what I am and I realised: I can stand.

No matter what powers are unleashed, I have me, I always have me. I know my heart. I know my intentions. My heart is not bad, I am not bad, my intentions are not bad. And if things happen to work out bad because I am new to the territory, so be it. I do not have to be perfect. The wish for perfection stops the flow of Life. I can not be shamed anymore because I have me.

Shame takes away the right to be me. I have the right to be me. No matter what.

It is a lonely place but at least I have me.

I am happy that I quit. If only it were for experiences like these and being there.

I take; the Ayurvedic stuff and the now forbidden chocolate. That is a thing that needs work.

I need: to sleep.

I want: to sleep

3 Things: the book store man, I don’t think I have ever in my life learned so much from speaking with a non-professional. 2 I am also thankful for my strength. I might be weak in normal things but I’m pretty good in the dark stuff. πŸ™‚ 3 This blog, in which I have taken the liberty to relentlessly (and endlessly) write about dark stuff and still you are reading this :-). It helps. I would not have come here if I had not been writing for so long. Sobriety for me is about where the dark stuff happens and then exactly not drinking it away. The dark stuff happens just exactly there where life takes me. What is in the way is The Way.

Discipline: still in the state of exploring, trying to find a way to discipline without guilt or blame. Now the shame has been seen, maybe discipline is not the thing, maybe going with the flow called Life is the way. Whoa! That is Big. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

I’m off to bed. Hope you have a nice day/evening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

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11 Months

25th Of July, that makes it my 11th month into sobriety. Learned a lot.

Spend the day with friends. He’s got lung cancer and she’s taking care of him. We went to see the Ayurvedic doctor who kept my mom alive against all odds. Hope he can do something for my friend too. Their oldest daughter is 4 and they have a son of 2. They are so cute. I had to watch them for a while and I told them I did not to that very often so the might need to tell me how to. They were very helpful. πŸ™‚

‘You need to tell us what to do. And you also need to tell us what not to do.’ (Her language control is outstanding)
‘Ok. I can do that. And what if you do not want to do what I tell you?’
‘Then you just have to say it stricter.’
‘Ok. I can do that. And, just to be sure, what if I say it stricter and you still do not listen?’
‘Then you have to say it even stricter until we listen. That is what mom does.’

And that, is how it works. πŸ™‚

Doctor said I’m out of whack which causes all kinds of small medical issues and mild depression, and the other way around. Got some Ayurvedic plantbased pills. Need DISCIPLINE. Now that’s no surprise :-). But some little 4 year old told me how it is supposed to work so…. let’s see. I went to the store, bought everything I will not be having anymore in the upcoming month to feast on that. I even bought cookies. I never eat cookies. Feeling sick now. πŸ˜€ Don’t feel like writing.

I am happy that I quit, still because I would not feel like still having to do that or having to do that again.

I take: well…. cookies, chocolate, chips and I got some extra meat too because large portions of that will be restricted too.

I need: to have a serious look at discipline. I know if I overdo it I fall back. I know if I underdo it I get not enough results. Aaah, heck, I don’t know shit about discipline. I used to have it at age 18 – 20 ish: go to bed at 21:00, wake up at 5:00, do homework, go to school, do homework. The Friday was long with going out in the evening but I had this mother in law who would bang on the metal pipes of the central heating at 11ish on the Saturday and we would need to be working off our hangover in the big vegetable garden or do whatever she had laying around. Ghegheghe. Funny that we obeyed that. πŸ™‚ Sweet kids we were. I wish my shoulder was not hurting like hell so I could do some yoga to build up my spine psyhically and see if that works from the outside in.

I want: pffff, to puke? Ieew! Whoever thought that it is a good idea to eat cookies (5), chips (1/2 a bag) and chocolate (30 grams)? Ieeeuw! I want to sleep and not feel sick. Ghegheghe… this is a weird experiment.

3 Things: spending the day with friends and their kids. And… going home to my own quiet place afterwards πŸ™‚ and I guess 11 months. That’s long I guess. Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I did. The extremist in me thinks things like ‘no use in quitting if it is not forever’. πŸ˜€ But that was when I did not know how devious addiction really is. However, being convinced of myself did not hurt. Very happy that I read the Craig Nakken book on ‘Addictive personality’ – that thought me a lot.

I wish you a nice Sunday, hope you feel better than I do, ghegheghe. TIP of the day is: do not overeat in cookies, chips and chocolate together. I give myself 3 days to let go and then I’ll pfff, don’t know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is this part in me that STILL does not want to get serious about life. I’ve, since I was 15 or so, called it the part that has not incarnated properly yet, that does not want to really be here and take responsibility. Which is rather lazy than tired. Maybe we should have a chat. Not now, now is (way past) bedtime here.

xx, Feeling