What does it take to start living?

I have quit drinking, I have no cravings but I still have the idea that I am somewhat ‘in repair’. But the fog is gone. Finally, that only went with quitting sugar for 100%. It is funny how I can know stuff and still not act upon it AND be surprised that if I do, it actually works. Do you recognise that? No, not in me, in you. I feel (? realise?) it is connected to the ‘doing the same stuff over and over again and expecting different results’. But that saying never hit home in me. I don’t understand it. Which makes me curious because that mainly means that I block something. :-D. I guess I’ll find out with the ‘Addictive thinking’ book.

Also gone are 5Kg, have not lost any extra in the last week but I am guessing that is because I eat more often in order to prevent my sugar from dropping. I am HOPING of course that it is because my fat is turning into muscles because of the excercise I do. (Drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam, dream, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam).

Another physical change: the whites of my eyes have gone white in stead of yellowish white with red. I still have a little red but that comes from dry eyes. And my A4 paper shakiness test is good now πŸ™‚ Yeah!! The red colour of my hands has gone as well, the tops of my fingers are still a little red.

My breasts have dropped half a size and 3cm and they have gone soft now, it is not the bloated right in your face I’ll shoot you if you say something I don’t like kind of war gear anymore. But that is good, and ok at my age. My face, neck and decoltage are not bloated anymore. I really like that, like I’m coming back to life from behind the fog. Everything more defined, more clear. πŸ™‚ That’s what I want. To become clear.

And now I need to start doing stuff.

NB: Have you filled in the poll on hangovers in my former post? Please do! It is anonymous btw.

Being creative with issues

Again, not feeling that there is something to share, get of my chest or discovery to be made.

Well, maybe one. After having discovered that I really react strongly to sugar I think I have now put my focus on that subject. So being at a party and being offered wine at several occasions and being questioned about not drinking did not bother me a bit. I even poured somebody a glass of wine without it connecting to something inside me. I was just very happy that they did not want to talk me into eating cake. That’s all. I call it ‘being creative with issues’. πŸ˜€

None of these people will drink excessively at somebody elses party but they all think that there are only 4-5 glasses of wine in a bottle. For those that have not seen the tables that should be 7,5 units for 12% wine and 9 units for 14% wine.

And we biked home and got to 45 kilometer in total so I don’t think I have to do my yoga today. But tomorrow I have to run and catch up on the deep cleaning and the online alcohol desensitivity training.

Happy that I biked. Happy to have seen friends. Happy that I did not feel ashamed about having drunk too much the night before. Happy that I have the energy to go. Happy that the alcohol depression did not make me feel like wanting to worm myself out of it. Happy that I was able to see how alcohol has an effect people and it does not add. I never drank during the day but still, looking back, every day had the same depressing colour and feel to it. No clarity. And that is what I want to become. I want to become clear.

Not proud anymore because, maybe because it is not about pride it is about process and/or transformation. I am guessing process is about pride, transformation not. Transformation is about being.

Addict bingo

Having received a 1000 Euro bill on a 4 hour intake for a detox programme I thought: might as well set up my own camp. And, I am guessing with that I have come to complete all the exclamations of an ex-addict in repair. Like ‘I can do this by myself’ and ‘I am sure I will never drink again.’ and what have you? My book on Addictive Thinking has not arrived yet so I am not totally up to date with my own cunning.

However, I did think I’d draw up a ‘addict bingo’ like you have ‘buzzword bingo‘. So I turn to Google and search on addict bingo to get some inspiration. Works out that one can actually get addicted to bingo….. 😦 So, no results on addict bingo. Loads on bingo addict..

bing

Of course there is a way around it with the below search. But I did not press that search button because already this autocomplete list oozes pain and aggression. I am guessing it were not addicts looking for a speech topic that entered these searches. 😦

things

So maybe I can, say, start to do something useful with my time. Like have a life. Do The Plan.

On thing: did I tell you my blood pressure is back to normal? Yeah!!!! 2 Weeks ago it was still too high and now it has dropped about 30 points in total on both levels together. Hurray! And of course that was before the pint of blood they took from me today for testing. πŸ˜‰

Proud that I quit and that it is paying of in measurable numbers. Happy that the sun is shining. I’m gonna do some more cleaning of my library and sing loudly. That’s how I roll today. πŸ˜‰

What?!! Yes, I went running

Got in my tights, hurray for the heavy stretch quality, did up the hair, laced up (in?) the boobies, got the sneakers out, dried the running jacket and collected the schedule and the egg timer. Hurray too for egg timers.

Did the running. It went well, no pain in the chest, no funny shortage of breath, no swollen joints hurting, just running in the park under lovely old trees that have seen it all.

I also had an experience of awareness in/of (?) my shoulders and upper back. That is new.Β  I can not remember ever having felt that. It had to do with the trees and nature and realising that I am only a tiny bit of Creation and how futile my worries actually are. I could unburden. That is new. I don’t have to wait with being relaxed till I am perfect. That is new too. I like it.

Happy that I quit drinking. Happy that I ran. Happy and proud that I have given myself a second chance at living.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

Homework

Woke up early, hadn’t finished my self assigned homework for GP3 yet. Would love to get her help on the nutrients approach to dealing with alcohol addiction. Mostly, mostly because I believe in it and also because I would LOVE to do something about my memory loss, stress levels, sensitivity to chemicals and hypoglycemia. Those are in step 4 or 5 in the process.

Last night I went to see a friend. We had dinner and a very nice evening. We have known each other for 2-3 years now and see each other every week or every second week and call at least on a weekly base. I tried to start a sentence when she was in the kitchen and I in the hall playing with the cat. I forgot here name. And it did not come back to me for at least 5 minutes. By then there was panick involved but shit, shit, shit this is nasty. I have that a lot of times. I forget what we spoke about, I forget when we met. How can I ever get a job at my level if my memory is that bad?

And I feel like a hypocrite wasting my brain for years, one of the good things I’ve got going for me, and now suddenly worrying about it.

I am guessing part of it has to do with having no structured week. Weekend, weekdays, they are all the same to me. And I do all the same things, mostly hanging in front of this screen. So I need to get variety of places of actions and oxygen to my brain. I will. Let’s see how I do with The Plan today. There is some running time on the list.… Don’t hold your breath πŸ˜‰

No! There shall be no upfront excuses or jokes about not committing to the plan! Either do or don’t and monitor what is going on. No joking.

Happy that I quit, proud of it but aware that the real test is only to begin. No, no gloomy thoughts; I am happy that I have given myself this sober new start in life and I am looking forward to deal with whatever comes on my way walking my path. πŸ™‚ No assumptions of bears or whatevers on the way. Just happy. Ok, happy in a tense kind of way.

It’s working

Well, the alarm is working. I started cleaning the house about 15 minutes ago. Alarm was set for my 15 minutes check on me (questions: what emotions do I experience, try to relax, am I following the plan?).

At 15 minutes I had cleaned out the dry laundry in like 4 minutes and when the alarm went of I somehow found myself behind the screen typing. Duh???? I can’t even remember what motivated me to sit down.

So let’s say the technique is working. And uuuuhmmm, it is very smart of me to come up with it. And…. uuhhmmm, it would be good to continue doing STUFF, not blogging or what have you.

Happy that I quit, proud of it. I’m a chick on a mission now! I’m going to DO STUFF.