Tadaaaa!!!! I feel normal. Yes! Yes!

Girls, guys! I feel normal today! 🙂

Not kidding. I feel absolutely normal, like I have not felt in more that 30 years. How normal? I will explain that with a tiny story. A few weeks ago I rang my sister-in-law but got her 11 year old son on the line.

‘Hi, this is Feeling, how are you?’

‘Am fine?’

‘Every time I speak with you it feels like you are surprised that I ask how you are. Are you?’

‘Yes….’

‘Why?

‘Dunno…… Why should I not be fine?’

‘Yes, true!’

I hope you can you remember the time that you felt like this? Or maybe I should start with saying that I hope you have felt / do feel like this; there where ‘being fine’ is so natural that you are surprised that people ask. I hope you have, I hope you do. For me that is at least 30 years ago, I guess it is pre-drinking time. It is also pre assaults time, and pre mother-gets-cancer time and pre parents-fight-night-and-day, pre school-drop-out time. But it was there. And I felt like that today. 🙂 Good.

No booze, no sugar. I feel normal. I hope it is that simple. We’ll see. But if you don’t mind I am not going to test it. 🙂

Happy-ish that I quit. It actually feels normal. Why would I drink? It feels like smoking: other people do it but I don’t. The sugar is more difficult, even though I never got more that a quarter of a teaspoon of that per day. Poison! Well, specifically to me. It also is more difficult to avoid and less accepted than not drinking alcohol. Aaahr, who cares. I feel normal! Ha!!

It really beats feeling like the subject of a Radiohead song.

What does it take to start living?

I have quit drinking, I have no cravings but I still have the idea that I am somewhat ‘in repair’. But the fog is gone. Finally, that only went with quitting sugar for 100%. It is funny how I can know stuff and still not act upon it AND be surprised that if I do, it actually works. Do you recognise that? No, not in me, in you. I feel (? realise?) it is connected to the ‘doing the same stuff over and over again and expecting different results’. But that saying never hit home in me. I don’t understand it. Which makes me curious because that mainly means that I block something. :-D. I guess I’ll find out with the ‘Addictive thinking’ book.

Also gone are 5Kg, have not lost any extra in the last week but I am guessing that is because I eat more often in order to prevent my sugar from dropping. I am HOPING of course that it is because my fat is turning into muscles because of the excercise I do. (Drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam, dream, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam).

Another physical change: the whites of my eyes have gone white in stead of yellowish white with red. I still have a little red but that comes from dry eyes. And my A4 paper shakiness test is good now 🙂 Yeah!! The red colour of my hands has gone as well, the tops of my fingers are still a little red.

My breasts have dropped half a size and 3cm and they have gone soft now, it is not the bloated right in your face I’ll shoot you if you say something I don’t like kind of war gear anymore. But that is good, and ok at my age. My face, neck and decoltage are not bloated anymore. I really like that, like I’m coming back to life from behind the fog. Everything more defined, more clear. 🙂 That’s what I want. To become clear.

And now I need to start doing stuff.

NB: Have you filled in the poll on hangovers in my former post? Please do! It is anonymous btw.

Being creative with issues

Again, not feeling that there is something to share, get of my chest or discovery to be made.

Well, maybe one. After having discovered that I really react strongly to sugar I think I have now put my focus on that subject. So being at a party and being offered wine at several occasions and being questioned about not drinking did not bother me a bit. I even poured somebody a glass of wine without it connecting to something inside me. I was just very happy that they did not want to talk me into eating cake. That’s all. I call it ‘being creative with issues’. 😀

None of these people will drink excessively at somebody elses party but they all think that there are only 4-5 glasses of wine in a bottle. For those that have not seen the tables that should be 7,5 units for 12% wine and 9 units for 14% wine.

And we biked home and got to 45 kilometer in total so I don’t think I have to do my yoga today. But tomorrow I have to run and catch up on the deep cleaning and the online alcohol desensitivity training.

Happy that I biked. Happy to have seen friends. Happy that I did not feel ashamed about having drunk too much the night before. Happy that I have the energy to go. Happy that the alcohol depression did not make me feel like wanting to worm myself out of it. Happy that I was able to see how alcohol has an effect people and it does not add. I never drank during the day but still, looking back, every day had the same depressing colour and feel to it. No clarity. And that is what I want to become. I want to become clear.

Not proud anymore because, maybe because it is not about pride it is about process and/or transformation. I am guessing process is about pride, transformation not. Transformation is about being.

Addict bingo

Having received a 1000 Euro bill on a 4 hour intake for a detox programme I thought: might as well set up my own camp. And, I am guessing with that I have come to complete all the exclamations of an ex-addict in repair. Like ‘I can do this by myself’ and ‘I am sure I will never drink again.’ and what have you? My book on Addictive Thinking has not arrived yet so I am not totally up to date with my own cunning.

However, I did think I’d draw up a ‘addict bingo’ like you have ‘buzzword bingo‘. So I turn to Google and search on addict bingo to get some inspiration. Works out that one can actually get addicted to bingo….. 😦 So, no results on addict bingo. Loads on bingo addict..

bing

Of course there is a way around it with the below search. But I did not press that search button because already this autocomplete list oozes pain and aggression. I am guessing it were not addicts looking for a speech topic that entered these searches. 😦

things

So maybe I can, say, start to do something useful with my time. Like have a life. Do The Plan.

On thing: did I tell you my blood pressure is back to normal? Yeah!!!! 2 Weeks ago it was still too high and now it has dropped about 30 points in total on both levels together. Hurray! And of course that was before the pint of blood they took from me today for testing. 😉

Proud that I quit and that it is paying of in measurable numbers. Happy that the sun is shining. I’m gonna do some more cleaning of my library and sing loudly. That’s how I roll today. 😉

What?!! Yes, I went running

Got in my tights, hurray for the heavy stretch quality, did up the hair, laced up (in?) the boobies, got the sneakers out, dried the running jacket and collected the schedule and the egg timer. Hurray too for egg timers.

Did the running. It went well, no pain in the chest, no funny shortage of breath, no swollen joints hurting, just running in the park under lovely old trees that have seen it all.

I also had an experience of awareness in/of (?) my shoulders and upper back. That is new.  I can not remember ever having felt that. It had to do with the trees and nature and realising that I am only a tiny bit of Creation and how futile my worries actually are. I could unburden. That is new. I don’t have to wait with being relaxed till I am perfect. That is new too. I like it.

Happy that I quit drinking. Happy that I ran. Happy and proud that I have given myself a second chance at living.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

Homework

Woke up early, hadn’t finished my self assigned homework for GP3 yet. Would love to get her help on the nutrients approach to dealing with alcohol addiction. Mostly, mostly because I believe in it and also because I would LOVE to do something about my memory loss, stress levels, sensitivity to chemicals and hypoglycemia. Those are in step 4 or 5 in the process.

Last night I went to see a friend. We had dinner and a very nice evening. We have known each other for 2-3 years now and see each other every week or every second week and call at least on a weekly base. I tried to start a sentence when she was in the kitchen and I in the hall playing with the cat. I forgot here name. And it did not come back to me for at least 5 minutes. By then there was panick involved but shit, shit, shit this is nasty. I have that a lot of times. I forget what we spoke about, I forget when we met. How can I ever get a job at my level if my memory is that bad?

And I feel like a hypocrite wasting my brain for years, one of the good things I’ve got going for me, and now suddenly worrying about it.

I am guessing part of it has to do with having no structured week. Weekend, weekdays, they are all the same to me. And I do all the same things, mostly hanging in front of this screen. So I need to get variety of places of actions and oxygen to my brain. I will. Let’s see how I do with The Plan today. There is some running time on the list.… Don’t hold your breath 😉

No! There shall be no upfront excuses or jokes about not committing to the plan! Either do or don’t and monitor what is going on. No joking.

Happy that I quit, proud of it but aware that the real test is only to begin. No, no gloomy thoughts; I am happy that I have given myself this sober new start in life and I am looking forward to deal with whatever comes on my way walking my path. 🙂 No assumptions of bears or whatevers on the way. Just happy. Ok, happy in a tense kind of way.

It’s working

Well, the alarm is working. I started cleaning the house about 15 minutes ago. Alarm was set for my 15 minutes check on me (questions: what emotions do I experience, try to relax, am I following the plan?).

At 15 minutes I had cleaned out the dry laundry in like 4 minutes and when the alarm went of I somehow found myself behind the screen typing. Duh???? I can’t even remember what motivated me to sit down.

So let’s say the technique is working. And uuuuhmmm, it is very smart of me to come up with it. And…. uuhhmmm, it would be good to continue doing STUFF, not blogging or what have you.

Happy that I quit, proud of it. I’m a chick on a mission now! I’m going to DO STUFF.

15 Minutes alarm

Put The Plan out here today. And to remind me and check on me I set my (kitchen) alarm every 15 minutes. Put a sticker on the alarm to say I need to check what/how I feel, relax if I am not relaxed and check if I am following the plan. It’s my variation on the productivity check techniques I learned at business school :-).

The technique is working. I am not following the plan too well yet. I have spend I think 3 hours on The Plan while I actually needed those to do what was in The Plan. Pffffff. I still need 7 minutes of cleaning and 15 minutes of cupboard reorganising or so. AND I have not done any work for my GP3 meeting this Thursday. I did stick to my eating schedule which is good.

Deviations: blog reading and -commenting, Facebook chat, visiting the foundling to see if he had certain features a possible owner spoke off. He did not. Speaking with the new owners. Then speaking with an other neighbour that I handed the next pieces of carrot cake that I got from this domestic goddess man. (don’t tell…). And I had not counted in doing shopping.

What did I learn:

– I can plan a day including the evening but in the evening I want to do unplanned things. Could be the same but planning restricts me. So I’d better work harder during the day. Let’s see…

– I spend a lot of time doing things like blog reading and writing that I had not planned. Need to think about that.

– The more the day proceeds the less relaxed I get because I feel guilty that I have not stuck to my planning. There is another thing with me and work or planning or life: I can never be happy with what I did. It should have been better….

I will see what tomorrow brings. I’m gonna do my online anti-addiction training now and that’s it.

Happy that I quit, but it’s getting normal I guess. Not happy with how I deal with the plan yet but maybe I should give myself some time. I keep on thinking that I can hear you all think: Da fack?! Doesn’t have a job, can’t even plan 15 minutes of cleaning in a day?!! Well, that is where my struggle is. I let myself go for a long long time. Not proud anymore, getting myself down with The Plan. BULL!! I am doing exactly what I should be doing. This IS how it IS!! I can only leave from where I am. I need to remind me not to put the blame on me; this is exactly how strong alcohol is. And, it did get me at my weakest point guess. Well, there is no better time than now. (Or rather tomorrow….;-))

The Plan

WHY

I need to start planning my life because it just does not happen and monnies are getting tight. I normally do a lot of planning and I get into a mode where I plan the whole world. It gives me endless possibilities, the sky is the limit. And I never follow up. This is the part for me where the going gets tough. Easy peasy to not drink when not doing stuff. Let’s see how I do while having A Plan. The Plan.

I need to learn to plan and work to plan otherwise I will reincarnate as, I don’t know, somebody that has no control over his/her life (very much like me actually). Ieeeeehks. Better fix it now. And I need the plan to working otherwise I might get demotivated, and I have no skills in the area of being demotivated. So might as well take care I do not go there.

I have a set of unproductive concepts in my mind. Neither of these is true but they shape my thoughts, intentions and actions:

– I can do anything.

– I am better than anybody at anything – if I set my mind to it.

– If I can’t do it immediately I am sure I can not do it at all.

– I have no skills in the area of being demotivated.

– I have never worked for something.

– Perfection is for the people, I can do better than perfection.

– I can’t do anything.

– I have no right to live or be happy.

– I have a tendency to always do exactly what I should NOT be doing. Like writing down exactly how I will corrupt The Plan with the above concepts.

LEARN

1 Plan realistically. Follow gut feeling. Plan less in stead of more, do not push it.

2 Do stuff, see what happens and try to see how the above concepts hinder me.

3 Set the alarm every 15 minutes to check state of mind, relax, watch out for demotivation and lack of happiness and see if I actually follow up on the plan. I am guessing this takes other skill than my organically grown laissez faire approach.

4 Have a non-drinking back-up plan because everybody seems to have one and it probably makes my GP3 happy. I would not want her to think that she’s my only back-up. That is not a good thing, it does not stimulate a good relation. I have put the AA hotline in all my phones. I guess GP3 and my therapist would like to see a better backup plan. I don’t feel like a bigger backup plan yet. I am not AA ready yet.

GOAL

The goal is a healthy mind, spirit and body. I would like to live responsibly, carry my own weight, add to the world, following my path, whatever that is. For now it is making A Plan. And all of this is obviously without alcohol or sugar.

In the plan I do not put everything (NEW) but just put what bugs me most and is in the way of my GOAL. In the plan are: BODY, MIND AND BOOKS TO READ, SPIRIT, DAILY LIFE, RELAXING, THE PLAN itself. Things listed are sort of ‘in order of relevance’, but not always.

BODY

I want to get the nutrients in to repair the damage done and also to kill the urges and cravings upfront to ensure sobriety. Also I need to restore my memory and my ability to focus. Deal with the nutrient side of depression, paranoia and axiety. I can not do a job with the brain I have now. And… my scalloped tongue seems to mean that I can not take in nutrients, that is dangerous.

1 Keeping clean, nutrients approach, make summery of book – speak with GP on tongue as well,

2 Restory memory and focus, nutrients approach and look for restoration techniques online.

3 Loose weight: no losing weight on purpose. Just eat healthy. Make stuff myself, low on the E-numbers, high on vegetables, NO sugar. NO hunger. 1 Meal at the table, no books, no computer, no television. Adjust below times in weeks to come to earlier. I need to eat often to keep my blood sugar level even.

9:00 Vegetable juice for breakfast

11:00 Brunch

15:30 Lunch

19:00 Dinner

21:00 Nuts, boiled egg or cheese

4 See GP every 2-3 weeks.

5 Run 2 times a week; 1 one Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and once in the weekend.

6 Plan walks and bicycle rides with friends in the newly discovered wood.

7 Work with friend nutritionist on changing ‘Seven Weeks to sobriety’ into a diet for me.

8 Solve high blood pressure, get rid of blood pressure pills.

 

ON MIND / BOOKS TO READ

1 Be happy and proud.

2 Make an extract from ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’ for GP3

3 Do online Alcohol Top training every 2-3 days.

4 Set alarm clock every 15 minutes to check how the current activity fit into The Plan.

5 Google stuff I don’t know about like the ‘I can do anything syndrome’

6 Read ‘Get sober, stay sober’

7 Read AA book

8 Purchase and read ‘Addictive thinking’

9 Keep reading blogs you don’t like. Try to work out what your aversion is and if and how it links back to the AA book and the addictive thinking book.

10 Go to an AA meeting within 4 weeks from tomorrow. Call first to learn about different groups. Choose 3 groups.

 

SPIRIT

Dunno. Meditate? Read blogs? See therapist? Write blog?

1 Read dream, healing and Sjaman books

2 Connect with people. Hi!!!! Here you are! Between the books and the headbord (?) Pay special attention to starting a conversation.

3 Connect with nature.

4 Make headboard to bed so I can sit up and write dreams without getting out of bed.

5 Watch Gabor Maté on YouTube.

 

ON DAILY LIFE

1 Get into a cleaning mode, clean 15 minutes a day in one run, standard cooking cleaning is not included.

2 Start chucking out rubbish 15 minutes a day in one run. Choose from: clothes, books, paperwork, atelier, sock drawers, cellars, attick, kitchen cupboards, bathroom, rubbish cupboard, balconies.

3 On using your money skills: pick up training for new drawing programm. Make appointment for within 2 weeks with other students.

 

ON RELAXING

Relax when things do not go according to plan. Relax, breathe, drink water. In order to relax more I should: slow down, take more time to think during a day, think of spiritual things and personal learning, burning candles or incense works very well for me to realise that I should take it easy. Nature relaxes me. Reminding myself that I need to relax relaxes me. However, I do not realise that I get up-tight because I have not had more than 3 minutes of relaxation a month in the last years. Only now I stopped drinking I can relax just a little. Relaxing is a big issue. How do people do that? Running relaxes me. Yoga relaxes me. And I don’t do them. Hmmm….

I am guessing I will not be relaxed until I have a outlook at income again. But just that thought. There is a little place in my head that can think about work but I worry about my memory. The work that I am closest to requires a shitload of brainpower and precision. It is just not there. I think I read a book with attention and the next day I can read it again and it is all new. I think this because I have too little mental exercise but I know me, with this brain I can not even write an application letter, let alone do a job interview.

1 Drink vegetable juice in the sun on the balcony every morning

2 Set an alarm every half an hour and note how I feel right then. Try to relax when not relaxed.

3 Burn candles and incence 😀

4: 15 minutes Yoga in the afternoon every day, look to add more time

5: 1 Outing into nature every 2 weeks

6: Have 1 sauna outing at least every 3 weeks.

7: See therapist once every 2-3 weeks.

8: Plan walking and biking holiday with friends

9: Running.

10 Try 1 different recipe a week.

11 Plan bordgame evenings again, within now and 4 weeks.

12: Continue bio-snack outing, once every 2 week

13: Organise money stuff. 30 Minutes a week on Thursdays.

14: Find a job.

 

ON THE PLAN

Spend 5 minutes per day on the plan. Keep in mind either build, maintain or getting rid of stuff. Start to add timelines if this does not work. Report every day.