Changes, changes…

Hi! πŸ™‚ Hope to find you well. I haven’t been feeling like writing and I still don’t but I think that I should try a little just to see what comes up. I never know with me. I might be hiding important stuff from me just because I don’t feel like knowing it.

Yeah. Big things have been happening. Big changes in me but there were so much of them that it was overwhelming and I did not even know where to start so I did not. Going to try now.

The friend I have called the nutritionist friend introduced me to the concept of not using the word ‘should’. Right at that moment I realised how much of my life’s energy is stuck in that concept. It felt like I encase myself in this tremendous wall of things that I should do and don’t do and then berate myself over. It feels like a 30 cm (12 inch) thick wall of heavy fog all around me, almost concrete, that heavy. No wonder I feel stuck. And… with noticing it and realising the construction that keeps it there, I also managed to let go for a tenth of a second…. it gave me an insight in the overwhelmingly big world that lies behind this wall of fog and my need to hide.

I trust biology and our Creators; whatever good or bad we have in ourself, it is there for a reason. Me getting stuck is not good or productive but somewhere there must be a reasonΒ  that I prefer to be stuck or it would not happen. I might not be aware of it but somehow, somewhere I think I win with this behaviour. Being an ex(?)-addict it is probably a quick fix and short time goal I am serving with it, but the idea of the fix is there and I think by now I have learned that I can not leave destructive behaviour if I do not understand what I do when doing it and feel my way through it while understanding it. I learn by reading, thinking, listening, speaking and while doing that feeling my way through. Through actually means ‘out’ in most cases. Feel my way out of the problem into clear living.

I learn best when things change in my cells too. Does that make sense? Do you know an insight in something can be so big that your whole body reacts? Like a reaction is set of in all your cells? Learning in such a way that your whole body understands what is good and what is wrong. Learning in such a way that you never feel like you did before because something has changed at cell level? This has happened in a bad way but lately it is happening in a good way very often and pfiew, it takes time to let things settle. And if anybody knows of a book that can put more scientific words to this process I would really like to know.

About the should word. I did not take time to let it settle in my body which is a shame because I needed that insight. Next time I will take care and say something like ‘I need to sit with this feeling for a while.’ So it can settle better. I should have (hahaha) taken the time to let that realisation settle in my cells.

Other insights? Yes! Every now and then the fog between me and the mess in my house lifts and I really see it for what it is. Quite overwhelming. Have I done anything about it? Not a lot yet, but is really getting on my nerves by now and my body is rebelling against it. I have started cleaning more, still keeping up making the bed in the morning, cleaning the sheets more often, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen more often than I ever did.

I needed to do some tiny admin stuff and suddenly I realised how tiny they were and I just did it. No promises for the future.

There is a thing: I can not deal with pressure and expectations. Or I never could and now I realise it. Any expectation puts an enormous amount of pressure onto me. Like ‘You’ll work it out.’ Or ‘You’ll have a job in no time.’ Or my GP3: ‘If you can’t walk 30 minutes, start with 5 and build it up.’ NOOOOOOOOO!!!! So I am doing an experiment on me. Based on the thought that I know what is good for me AND that nature will provide. The first one is clear all though one could argue that an ex-addict does not know what is good or bad. I’m not going to, because I got into this shit with not listening to me and not aligning myself with whatever my true me is and I am practising not doing that anymore. Actually I have shipped out so much rubbish already that I am not me anymore. THAT is a major change as well. No I’ve not become psychotic or what have you. Last week I had this revelation of realising that becoming sober was not going to feel like ‘me with some changes’. If I want to get sober (am) and clear (am not yet) I need to change. My ideas, my frames, my concepts, my approaches, my intentions and my speed needs to change. I need to clean out the rubbish, mend things, clean things up, heal. And that does not go happen if I hang on to who I was and what I like to feel like.

My ‘preferred’ state of being is anxious, with some kind of doom awaiting me, always. With loads of sadness and loss and happiness that is almost directly smothered in that sadness. Not directly, then there would be no effect, just almost directly so I can still feel the happiness but it is gone in seconds, creating even more sadness. Well. I guess that is not what I want. So me with some changes is not happening, the changes are so big that the me is changing too. Which is good. When getting sober and longing to be clear I never knew it would go so deep.

Also my body does not like fast food anymore. I had a decent pizza from a real Italian today; brrrrrr. My body starts to object. That feeling is 500 years old, no, ok, 20 years old? I am starting to dislike the taste of my favorite chocolate. The ‘what else is left’ (add some drama here….) thought keeps me with it. No coffee, no black or green tea, no soda, no sugar apart from very pure chocolate. I know the key is in the not longing but I can’t get there yet and I don’t think I should practise that now. It’s too early. It takes the brain 4 months to re-route the neural pathways of reward from alcohol to something else. I’ve hooked it to chocolate, watching a movie, sleeping, taking a bath and… being alone. It is actually contact with people that makes me want to drink. So maybe I should be a shepard or a writer or so or a train driver.

Ooh, and another big thing on Perfection. I always thought perfection was about doing stuff perfect or not doing them (I do the last… ). But it is about WANTING them and specifically me TO BE PERFECT and NEEDING things to be FIXED, preferably in NO TIME. And the struggling I did with that: ‘Not being able to be perfect is ok, in itself, for others….’ πŸ˜€ I always thought that I, well still think, that I am living to be perfect later. And in light of that image it is no use to do anything actually. Why bother? Not going to be enough anyhow. Well, that is a bit of a downer but I was in a very good mood when I discovered that is how I actually think. NOT a constructive concept. I need to fix that immediately….. πŸ˜‰ I am guessing I will have to learn something about the subject of perfection but that can wait till I have a library card I guess.

I am amazed how many subjects I encounter in my life automatically, or ‘naturally’ that are standard addict issues.

And of course there was the singing lesson. It was wonderful again. There was an excercise where one person stood behind the other. The first had her hands crossed over her heart and the person standing closely behind had her hands in a supporting way under the elbows of the person in front. Both would sing their own tune (made up tones, notes, rhythms) and pay attention to what was happening. The funny thing is that the singing of a pair aligns pretty quickly and becomes a harmony and…. the arms of the person in front open up. I ended up being so grateful that I had my hands stretched out, palms up in a gesture that is both giving and receiving.

During the excercise I had some floating issues with the intimacy (it is actually pretty close and intimate) but I was able to let that be and enjoy the excercise and really experience, well, it sounds funny, but the power of love. My heart opened up and it felt like there was this beautiful white light beaming through our hearts, so peaceful and loving. The room changed into a forest and my hands opened up and it felt like a flower unfolding.

Then we shared and the person I did the excercise with said: it felt like we were in a forest, and it was beautiful and light and then when her arms opened it felt like a flower unfolding.

Isn’t that amazing? I cried happy tears when I heard that. There is so much more in the contact between people than is commonly known or spoken about. I’ve experienced before that feelings, dreams and even thoughts communicate without words through senses that I do not know the name of. Is it me? No, I am guessing this happens to everybody but I think not everybody is aware of it or comes in situations where they are able to experience it.

What was big for me is that my heart worked. My heart chakra (?) has been stuck for years and now it opened up and flowed and that was good. Thankful and happy. So many good things happening. Also: I only once of twice did a tiny leap into sadness or blocking the happiness with sad thoughts. I did do a little blocking with being uncomfortable but that washed away in the happiness too.

I go to bed earlier. Because I want it. And even if there’s part of me whining on wanting to finish this movie or that episode. But possibly also because I do not blog in the evening anymore. I’ve set my alarm again. I’ve biked in the nasty weather today for 15 km while I could have easily cancelled.

One thing I am not so proud of: I can not stand to be with certain people anymore. People that I perceive as having a negative energy. Don’t know how to keep it outside me and it scares me. And I can’t read anything that I perceive as whining and moaning or not searching for truth. Not sure if this is another phase in having to deal with projecting my own dark side on others or that I am choosing to live healthier and therefore want to stay away from ‘bad’ people. Or both. If you have an inkling as to how this might work I am happy to hear from you. Happy to hear from you anyway but I still do not imagine people actually read entries that are this long. πŸ˜€

Happy that I quit, although the happy is now moving towards happy that I experience things differently now I quit so the enormously-relieved-that-I-quit feeling is slowly being replaced by the results of the quitting. And so does the pride. Pride comes up ever so now and then when I get an insight in stuff that I knew I would never have been be able to deal with when drinking. And when I get a compliment about having quit.

And before I push the send button just a quick Ctrl-F on the world ‘should’. I counted 9 in total of which 3 unconsciously / outside the ‘should’ paragraphs.

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Me, with some changes, or….?

I never consciously knew that I had thoughts on how I would be after getting sober or when I get to being clear or transparent. I found out I did and up to yesterday I thought it would feel like: me with some changes. Yesterday I found that this specific feeling of ‘me’, or that what I identify with, is actually part of the problem.

What happened? What happened was that my SIL spoke out her worries about me not having an income and living on what’s left of my savings. We were in the car, on the way to the railway station. My SIL started this ‘I shall help you’ conversation and it spun out of control within 3 sentences. I got so cornered that I (finally?) spoke my mind on the subject. ‘I KNOW I am not doing well. I KNOW I need to focus on money but NO it is not working yet. My memory problem is gone and I feel I could maybe work 2 or maybe 3 days in a week, nothing intelligent. But that is it. I know I am NOT functioning yet and YES I DO want and need help but in saying that I do NOT like to speak with you or X or Y on the subject because all I hear is YOUR panic. You are not listening, you start a conversation to inform me of your concerns and it is too much for me because I can not even carry myself! And now I need to deal with your concerns and panic too.’

‘We are listening to you but you just don’t seem to do what we think is right’.

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Now that is a sentence I thought I would not ever hear again after my mother died. And you know what? I finally replied. Sorry for my SIL. I was mostly able to focus this decennia old anger and let it fuel my persistence and thoughts instead of wanting to lash out and hurt my SIL. However….

‘NO! Exactly that sentence explains how you are listening to me! You do not really listen! Before you even listen to what I want to say on the subject I get overwhelmed by your view, your panic and 10.001 pieces of advice that I don’t even know how to apply because I do not even know where I stand, what I feel and what is wrong with me. If anything I need help finding out that stuff first before I get dragged away in solutions. I lose myself there.’

Lovely SIL replied: ‘Yes, I am sorry, you are right.’

‘Thank you…..’

‘I already made important steps towards a healthy and complete living which is not drinking and eating healthy but things just don’t go very quickly. I came from a very dark place. I do not repair easily, that’s one of my things; carry hurtful stuff around way too long. Well, I am already very happy that I wake up singing instead of wanting to jump of the building. That is a big step I have accomplished. But it takes a lot of energy to stay balanced and not fall back into the darkness where I came from. I know things really need to change, I do not want to go back where I came from. Ever. I have made a few big steps already but it is just not easy, it is not a quick fix. And please do not put pressure on me because I just can not bear it. I know it is hard and I think I know you feel helpless, I feel helpless. But can we please stay there and please, I’d rather experience helplessness for what it is than both of us running around in panic. I just can not deal with that.’

And that is how we left because the train was going. I in a mix of sadness, anger, guilt and my SIL in something similar I am guessing.

Got the train, went home and cried. And then there was this thought: ‘You have just spoken out against a very bad system of connecting that has run in the family for years. You just stood up for yourself because you do not want to be smothered in care because you know it is not a good road to travel. Why are you sad? Do not put sadness between you and the world.‘ And I tried to let go of the pain and sadness. And I was proud of how I walked the straight line of caring for me and speaking up. I was proud of my clear expression and because I had spoken my heart clearly there where it was difficult before.

And I could breathe and suddenly felt all this space, freedom and happiness within me. This is so NEW!!! I could not even identify with it. And that is where I thought: the clear me is not ‘me with some changes’. It is also letting go of the sadness, pain and fear that I identify with and reconnect differently. Most likely the ‘final’ me will not feel like the me I am now. Which is scary but I am also looking forward to it.

SIL and I texted today and both said sorry for what needed a sorry and will speak later.

Still reading and psychological changes

Still reading Tommy Rosen’s ‘Recovery 2.0’. By now I guess you must be thinking that I read rather slowly. I do, I do. I want to know for sure that I did not read past sentences because I know me: resistance is big πŸ™‚ and because of the denial I never know when it pops up. I have a highly developed capacity for looking away so… keeping me on a leash here and reading slowly and for the first time in my life actually marking sentences in a book! Well, in pencil. The book makes me happy and things fall into place. Up to now he describes his journey and his methode to feel his way back into life. I was already doing a some of the stuff which is why I am so happy I am reading this book: obviously my ‘feeling my way back method’ does somehow make sense. πŸ™‚ And thankful that somebody went the road before me and puts things into place.

Suddenly I am very much drawn to mandalas. Not sure how this mandala fits in here but to me it does.Β To me it feels as what I am doing and how that relates to the universe.

Funny changes: since I started reading this book I am behind the screen a lot less. I just don’t like it anymore, it feels wrong. Rosen speaks of the ‘frequency of addiction’ –Β  I know exactly what he means and how it feels, I just did not know it had a name. It is what I dislike VERY MUCH and I guess it is my biggest motivation for wanting to be clear. And now I know why my goal is not ‘not drinking’ my goal has always been ‘being clear’, not drinking is part of that.

Well, the other thing that happens spontaneously is that I am (yes, up front very sorry to say this but I promised myself not to edit and I would edit if I would leave this out) not interested anymore in sober blog reading or writing for that matter. My ayahuasca spirit has revisited and repeats back from years ago: ‘All these opinions, don’t go there, it is not important.’Β  Which is what she said to me when doing my first or second ayahuasca sessions years ago. Guessing she is right. I am starting to want to listen to this internal voice more and more and make time for it. Hope is it not a ‘wandering off in seclusion thing’. Let’s see how this develops and how I will continue to develop if I don’t write stuff down. (There’s this voice saying: you might want to start connecting with people in real life….) Odd…. πŸ˜€

Next: I am starting to really see the clutter in my house and really notice how this system of looking away from it works. I am trying to keep my attention there where it hurts but that does not work yet. Not going to force it (ghegheghe) I am cleaning way more than I have don over the last, say 2 years? And not only ‘because someone is coming’.

Important questions these days: ‘What is your favorite way to spend time?’

Answer at any moment: ‘So why are you in front of the computer now?’

I am not sure anymore if I am happy that I quit because the big negatives are sort of disappearing out of sight. However, last night I dreamed that I forgot I had quit and drank a glass of wine at a party and WHAAAAA I wanted the whole bottle and remembered: O yeah, that’s what it was like…. let’s not do that.

That’s were I am sometimes: either in mandala land happily learning stuff or in purgatory, in the hell that is not hell but deals an eternal suffering because there is time but no movement. So time passes but nothing happens, no consequences but no growth and improvements either. Guessing that is where I weigh my actions, systems, blockages, all that what keeps me away from living. Sometimes it irritates me, sometimes I am ok with my stalling. I’m going fast enough as it is. Purgatory does have a function. The path is the destination even though it sometimes looks like this:

Well, if that is what it is, that is what it is.

Post Scriptum: Looked up the person in the mandala online. Wiki says: She is an Anuttarayoga Tantra iṣṭadevatā and her practice includes methods for preventing ordinary death, intermediate state (bardo) and rebirth (by transforming them into paths to enlightenment), and for transforming all mundane daily experiences into higher spiritual paths.

Preventing ordinary death by quitting drinking – check!

In bardo – check! It’s funny that I write about purgatory which well, could be seen as the Christian name for bardo in the one post with the mandala that I know shit about. The Universe is amazing now I quit drinking :-).

Transforming mundane experiences into higher spiritual paths – check! The path is the destination. All what comes is what should be.

3 Months and 159 posts further

3 Months sober today. πŸ™‚ I think I’ve done well. By now I’m experimenting a little with the level of self-care that I need. I was getting tired of always taking care and continuously thinking of NOT drinking – but I’m guessing that is a dangerous road that needs to be treaded carefully. Washing my face because I have been kissed on the cheek by somebody that oozed alcohol is still a good idea, taking 4 meals a day in order to prevent low blood sugar levels is not necessary anymore because I have stabilized a more.

I don’t worry anymore of going to places where there are people drinking, it has become like not smoking now; I don’t because it is awful.Β  Having said that…. I do have tiny, tiny little thoughts on drinking or impulses so now and then. Specifically at changing scenes that surround leaving a place or event. Most likely this relates to my former drinking behaviour where I would drink 2-3 glasses around people, go home and ‘fill up’. Ieeehks. I am now paying extra attention to entrances and exits.

There is this HALT abbreviation and it says to prevent hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired. For me hunger (low blood sugar levels) and being tired are most dangerous. I don’t get angry easily and loneliness is something that might, I don’t know, have not paid a lot of attention to.

I’ve become more social lately with 2-3 social meetings in a week, sometimes 4. That is a little too much for me. I used to have a friend who had been addicted to soft- and harddrugs. We used to meet for diner in the city and after dinner she would go home immediately because she (said she) was tired. I never understood. Now I do. It takes a hell of a lot more energy to neatly present myself according to my new socially polite standards than it does to drink, let my aura hang loose and say and do whatever I thought was funny. Specifically staying centered, really listening and not pushing my story is something I consciously practice. And yes, that is still in practise phase. (Last night at singing lessons we ran late because I was last on stage πŸ˜€ )

Still not getting on with my life. That worries me. But with what I learn every day I guess, well, that is how it is for now. Small changes are happening, like cleaning the house more often because I see that it is dirty and do not shrink into myself anymore in order to avoid seeing it. There was denial in my housekeeping too. AND do not moan about it to myself anymore because I am (starting to) accept(ed) that I will do what I can do. Also, I am starting to like to sit still and just listen. My cat fell asleep on my lap last week, in all the 4 years that she has lived here she only started to sit on my lap since I quit.

Happy that I quit, a little tired of the work, but I guess I need to up the fun more with social activities and learning on a personal level like singing or theatre and… work (?).

Being sober so far is about The Decision and maintaining it constantly. It is about listening to myself, taking care of EVERY tiny issue before it becomes a big one. It is about shaping the circumstances in which that is doable like eating healthy, getting the right nutrients in, sleeping enough, being with the right people.

And sobriety to me is very much about knowledge too: reading the books and blogs of those who went before us on the sober path and learning from that.

And it is about self-exploration, about being honest to myself in real life; The Middle. The Middle is not very clear yet but it is coming. This is where it was/is difficult to deal because it is about really being and not about the made-up, glorified self I liked to be. Or, on the other extreme; the made-up stupid self I hated to be – or possibly liked because it also prevented me from dealing with what really IS.

Of course being sober is about blogging too :-). The blogging forces me to think about what I am doing and feeling. Now I’ve come to 3 months it is starting to be like a little history too which is somehow cool. It is also about getting to know you, reading about your struggles and triumphs and normal days, knowing that you are out there and that I am not the only one walking this road. That is good. And… of course I am very happy with you reading my blogs, liking posts (yes I like that πŸ™‚ ), commenting, adding, informing me.

Last but not least: sobriety is about becoming my true self while throwing away the rubbish and dealing with the issues that are keeping me away from being aligned with my spirit.

Additional physical and psychological changes

Earlier I did some posts on physical and psychological changes that I notice on my mission to become clear. The current physical changes are small but important, well, to me. Very exciting. Well, again, to me. I am happy about them :-).

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– One that I am very happy about: the fluffy down like hairs that start at my ears and run to the middle of my cheeks are disappearing. Not sure if it is because of not drinking or because of taking kelp pills and therefore improving the workings of an important gland, forgot the name, and thus reducing the hairs.

– My sleeping improved big time when I quit drinking and then got a little worst and now with help of some herbal tea has greatly improved again. One night I actually slept without waking up once. It is AMAZING how much energy I had when waking up. Expressed in figures that is 3 times as much. No wonder I don’t get to do so much. By now I think that ‘Do you sleep well?’ should be the number 1 question of every doctor in this world.

– Since a day or two I can feel the area behind my shoulder blades starting to relax. Friends noticed that my posture has changed: ‘Huh? Have you grown taller since last week?’ πŸ™‚ Guessing it is good. And… and… they mentioned: ‘You are opening up.’ πŸ™‚ NEW!!!

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I have a extensive library with movies on DVD – yeah, showing my age… – but I don’t like them anymore. NEW!!! All these movies have this ‘quick fix’ quality to it. Guess it is time for a library and museum card.

– Long intro: A few days ago I went to a store opening from a friend of mine. I had expected that it was sort of private event because I got this one line mail ‘dropping by for a drink at 18:00 hours?’ invitation – which amongst the two of us is not unfriendly or impolite though it did work out to be a tiny bit impractical. I replied that I was going to drop by but that I did not drink anymore. I like doing that upfront so I don’t have to deal with their first reaction in real life.

We go way back so I went and thought: It is going to be as usual; crate of beer, bag of chips, have a drink and chat, see what the store is going to be like when it is finished. This time I don’t drink and I did not feel like bringing flowers or booze (obviously) so I fried up some eco chicken wings. I did think of dressing up nicely because I am hoping to find a job in this field so whatever the occasion, showing up in my old jeans was not going to do it. Thus I arrived with my greying hair al nice, fresh and curly, me polished, a little make-up (NEW!!!), a tiny bit of parfume (NEW!!), dress, boots… and yes, a box with fried chicken wings. πŸ˜€

The event worked out to be a party….. with loads of succesful people from the industry, a Italian buffet and I and my hidden box with chicken wings. I was a little flustered but all I had to do was breathe and remind myself of my newly discovered skills of centering, keeping the bad stuff out and wanting to really connect with people.

I did. I reminded myself that ‘they can drink but I don’t have to’, ‘I can leave whenever I want to’, straightened my back and smiled to make it appear that belonged and walked in.Β  And yes, sorry for the posing, but this is business too.Β  Went to say hi to the host and all of a sudden, I was in a conversation with a nice guy who was explaining about his therapy and personal growth path. Yes, you read that correctly: guy + personal growth path + speaking about it publicly. No, not gay. (Yes, prejudice.) The evening continued and I found out that the host was not drinking either because ‘there needs to be someone who is sober’. NEW!!!

This is a long long intro to the point in psychological change I am getting to. I met 3 guys that separately from each other told me that they had stepped down in ambition and started working for themselves so they can manage their own hours because they have an ambitious wife. They decided to not do the race to the top but just open their own toko to create some rest in their life, take care of the kids and allow their partner to do their racing.

What is new? NEW!! Is that I normally only meet man who are very demeaning towards women and say things like ‘Pffff, my wife thinks that she has something to say about her yoga classes. Well, not on my evening out.’ Or ‘I wanted to go to Asia but my wife was moaning about the long trip and the children but hey, I am paying so we went.’

And during one of the fun and serious conversation we had, one of the above men actually teared up over something I said that he thought was very beautiful. NEW!! New that I meet men that can listen and be touched by what is going on. Yes I make this about me, not about him. πŸ˜€

Thirdly new: we spoke about the an experience where I discovered that I put grieve between me and all things happening in my world. So no matter what is going on I only tend to see the bad stuff happening. The conversation continued and half an hour later one of the guys replies to a sentence of mine: ‘This is where you are putting grieve between you and a good experience.’ He was right. I was. And this is so NEW!!! No, not that he was right…. (well, a little..) but that I (yes I make this is about me again…) meet people (MEN! Yes, sorry…. Well, sorry-ish) who really listen and without wanting to outsmart me, relate back to what I exposed of myself. NEW!!!

By now you might be wondering: Were there women too? Yes, there were a few but they were all 15-20 years younger, drinking and looking ready to adore the handsome men that were there. Of whom a few were drinking and longing to be adored. So no, I did not speak with the girls. That would be really, really new. πŸ™‚ They were all drinking like crazy, is that a good excuse?

What else was new? I could handle myself without drinking no problem. I have never really experienced that as a problem but I notice now events like these are way better without the booze.Β  NEW!!! But also thanks to Debra Fine, the author of one of my favorite books: ‘The fine art of small talk’ who/that has tought me a lot in this. Read it online in a pdf form or better: buy it. The title is a bit off; it is not about gossipy small talk, it is about conversations, how to start and maintain them and all the social insecurities that may go with it and how to counter these. Really a good book for the sober tool box.

I left the party when an old friend (one of those that I slowly let go) turned to the serious drinking and I did not want to be in his line of sight when he would look up from his glass.

I did eat chicken wings for breakfast, lunch and diner the next day. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit but back to the ‘why does it take so much energy’ because it does take a lot of energy and I need to re-adjust now I can’t zoom out with a movie anymore because my taste in movies has changed. But! New books comming on Monday. And maybe it is time to start visiting AA. (Did I really say that?)

New :-)

This afternoon I had another intense session with my addiction counselor. It was good, but it feels funny to write about it because the counselor also has the name of this blog. No matter. After an intense singing lesson, an intense therapist meeting having an intense counselling session is… tiresome.

Time to make some dinner I thought. I feel like, feel like? Yes! I feel like something hot, fat, salty and deep-fried with cheese.

And then I thought: ‘but what do I really want?’

That’s NEW!!!!

‘I want to not be sad. I don’t want things to hurt. I am tired.’

That’s all. I am thinking it is big because it is the first time that I somehow disconnected want and need. Am I allowed to say, at 44, that I had never gotten to that point? It’s NEW!! πŸ™‚

All in all not so happy that I quit. Too much painful soul searching this week I guess, throws stuff out of balance. Too much work not enough fun. Right now I am trying to fight urges with will power and intellect and not with my ‘happy that I quit’. Happy that I quit is way easier but I have trouble getting to that point. Well, I guess that is where the work is, theme of last week: don’t put sadness between myself and happiness. And then there is this voice in my head saying: ‘Just work on that.’ And an answer…. (Do you have that too? Conversations within?)

‘Nooooooooo! I don’t want to do anything anymore, too tired! I am so sad and I just want to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? I deserve to be happy after so much shit, it is not fair! I should be happy when I do all the quitting stuff.’

‘Now there’s a nice trap all covered up in righteousness…. And no, that’s not how it works. I am not sure how it does work. All I know is that you deal in sadness and if you are going through the motions of dealing in something you might as well deal in happiness.’

So. Here I go again, practising feeling happy. It actually works. πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit. Fucking proud of it! Jeeeez! Thank you self. πŸ™‚ Tadaaaaaaa!!!!!

And shiiiiiit, tired. Food. Sleep.

Loads of changes, nothing to say

Went to see my therapist today. Loads of stuff surfaced, dark stuff, good stuff, impressive stuff. That’s the good thing about quitting: stuff gets unveiled. And no, I can’t say I am suddenly ready or jumping of joy to do all of that. I guess I am, at first, never willing or ready to change in the parts where it matters. But I feel I’ve got no choice, can’t stay where I am because my vision of the world does not help me to live in it well. And afterwards it is ok.

And now I am tired and have very little to say. Apart from a story on the cat. She is extra cute today. She laid herself down on the laundry I was trying to fold because laying out an old sweater or old towel and petting that is my way of telling her I made a new bed for her. So she kept on laying down. πŸ™‚ And I had to move to another corner of the table with another towel and then she would come to lay down on that. Cute!!!!

I am happy that I quit. Happy in a very tired way, today.

Have a good evening, night, morning, day where ever you are in the world. πŸ™‚