Do I have the right not to feel guilty?

One of the blogs I follow touched on the subject of feeling guilty about drinking. Not sure if anybody noticed but I haven’t touched that subject knowingly yet. Funny that I do think that I should feel guilty and pour my heart out before I can be healed. That is a very Catholic concept. Or is it a human concept as well. It is true if relations get hurt, then you need to get things clear before continuing.

Not sure if I am avoiding it. BS. No, I don’t want to go there. Yes, I am sure that I am avoiding guilt. I am avoiding guilt and saying that there is no use in feeling guilty AND that it is destabilising, which is very true AND saying that it is too early to make amends; I do not have the emotional stability and the mindset yet to do so.

And…. I knew up front that making amends would be a big thing if I would continue drinking and say, start looking for fight or whatever if I was pissed. So I hid my drinking and did not contact others while drinking or drunk. Nor drive cars. I would not drink or halve or quarter my intake if I had to drive in the early morning or would be seeing people.

I look back and I feel sadness, I felt and therefore was powerless when it came to alcohol, did not have the tools, the information, the maturity or the rock bottom yet, not sure what. It IS an addiction. That is what addictions do. When looking back and stumbling on hurtful situations of 20 years ago I, I don’t know, it just hurts. It makes me sad, it shows me how strong alcohol is.

I keep on thinking: I would not have done any of these things if I had not been addicted. Is that an excuse? It is a reason. If we take the statement that alcohol addiction is an illness it is an excuse. Or? Or should I say: If I had not let myself become addicted I would not have done any of these things. If we truly believe alcohol addiction is an illness, how come I and I assume a lot of all the people that I know think that alcohol addiction is a choice, or, at best, lacking to choose not to be addicted.

But I can not change what happened. In that I am powerless too. It is not good to put energy in wanting to change the past. It screws me up, can’t be done. I can look back. It hurts.

Non of this is the point. The point is that I think that I should feel guilty. And, push the ranting button: I don’t want to go there because this Idea of Guilt has been put there by people who are big on guilt and I defy them! He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone (at her)!!!

Sooooo, nicely caught up in my guilt trip. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ This is therapist stuff, not gonna do this by myself. All in all it feels like a shitload of addict speak. Looking forward to the book on Addictive Thinking. See what that’s gonna bring.

ClichΓ© time: If you want to change the past, change today.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character; watch your character: it becomes your destiny.

Happy that I quit. Happy that I am free of the alcohol. There’s stuff to do for sure but happy that I am free. Proud of the stuff that I did today. Loads of deep cleaning, should have done more. Will continue. And the cat is getting grumpy with the egg timer going off every 15 minutes so I can check on my emotions, practise in relaxing and check if I am actually following the plan. It is working. More often now I notice that my thoughts run of to a dark non relaxed place and I call them back.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

A Dream – The Book – The Plan

DREAM

Had a dream, can’t really remember but it was good AND: I had contact with people in the dream and they were separate people, not ‘the usual block against me’ and they said normal and nice things and did not close me out. NICE and NEW.

BOOK

Also, also, also on the book here another quote from page 270 of Seven weeks to sobriety by Joan Mathews Larson:

QUOTE: You should feel very proud and happy to have reached this point in your recovery program. Now it is time to think seriously of the future. UNQUOTE.

People that have read my blog will probably recognise the words Happy and Proud. And see! It’s time for THE PLAN.

THE PLAN

The plan is becomming an issue. I’m starting to think I should do something about it. So…. I went to bed too late yesterday and did not set my alarm. Why? I don’t know. I could not even think of a reason while doing it. Apart from that I did not want to go to bed and I did not want to set my alarm. I did get up on time but that was because my neighbour (who drinks a shitload) is always late for her work and slams the door on the way out. Well. At least she has a job.

The Plan for today is to go back to the draft version and make a paper out of it that I can actually look on on a daily base. Do what I wrote on it (15 minutes cleaning, 15 minutes excersise, 15 minutes unfucking my desk) And to finish the 7 Weeks to sobriety. (Done) and to work 2 hours on making a draft to present to my GP on Thursday. I think I need 4-6 hours for that in total so I’l better hurry.

I am happy that I quit in a worried kind of way (???) because I really need to get going with my life now. Proud, not so proud anymore, pride is de-wathevered by worry about doing stuff and not doing The Plan.

I thought I could have just 1

One piece of carrot cake that is. And here I am, 5 o’ clock in the morning, been awake for an hour during which I wondered why the f@ck I drank last night. I did not! I FELT like I did though. Shit am I happy that I am sitting here sober (again?). Not sure what to write. Confused. Crying. Shit this is bad.

Yesterday I wrote about the concept of enough and I obviously jinxed myself because I finished of the day with 3 pieces of carrot cake and no dinner. Never in my adult life have I eaten 3 pieces of cake, ever. I don’t even like cake, well, this was good cake. I hate anything that tastes like sugar. But it was well disguised with nuts and carrots and tasting very well and It made me happy so I thought it could not be THAT bad… Isn’t that amazing, I am just reading a book saying that I have wasted 30 years of my life on booze because I get addicted easily due to my hypoglycemic constitution and I eat sugar and think it makes me happy. It did actually.

And then I went to bed and slept for 2 hours. Woke up, very irritated with I don’t know, everything. Slept again, woke up defeated. Slept again, woke up crying and thinking ‘Why did I drink? I will never drink again. I will stop tomorrow, for sure now.’

Images of everything I failed at in life, images of bills I have to pay, images of work I have to find but feel I still can’t. Images of my mother being soooo disappointed in me. Because I drank and because I started to drink again…

Images of knives circling around me ‘If I just make one cut it will be all over. Just one, don’t worry…. it might hurt but you are already hurting and then it will be all over, forever… No worries, no pain, ever, just one cut….’ Obviously nothing happened but shit, I thought that was behind me. I know it is in me but I don’t identify with it anymore, or so I thought. Finding out that thinking has little to do with free will. These thoughts stopped IMMEDIATELY with stopping with alcohol. And I eat sugar in large amounts and they are back.

I did not drink. It is 1 hour later now and I still can not believe that I did not drink. But I DID NOT DRINK! I ate 3 pieces of carrot cake – present from the guys that now take care of the foundling.

The cat was all upset all night, walking circles on the bed, trying to sniff me, trying to get me out of bed. I drank water, did not get me out of my, I was going to say ‘alcohol infused state of mind’ but I did not drink alcohol. I still can’t believe what the fuck I have done to myself all these years and now WHILE I AM READING A BOOK FOR GODS SAKE ABOUT SUGAR AND HOW ALCOHOL ADDICTION COMES EASY TO THOSE WITH HYPOGLECEMIA. I KNOW I AM HYPOGLECEMIC!!!

I just did not believe that it would influence me that bad, that I would come to this. I thought I could handle it. Sounds familiar. I only had one bite because it would be impolite to chuck them away immediately – which is what I do with any sugary gifts. There are 4 sugary things I might eat, 4 times a year at most and I had written down a paragraph of the brand, content and price of the chocolate that I do eat but I deleted it. Noticed that I talk about chocolate as an addict speaks of ‘excellent wine’. Pfffffff.

I DON’T WANT ANY OF THIS!!! I don’t want the booze, I don’t want the addiction, I don’t want the sugar issues. I just want to be normal. Not sitting here in the middle of the night typing and crying and trying to work out what the fuck I am doing in this world where 80% of the calories of this Western world are poison to me. Well to anybody, but anybody does not care (yet).Β  I do understand my mood swings way better now. This Jekyll and Hyde in me. I just did not think it would be that bad… I don’t know, I don’t know what I thought. I guess I just did not think. I don’t trust my thinking anymore. Da fack. Need to solve that one quickly.

I am going to trust myself when I am happy and lively because that is a natural state of being. If I am not I need to check what I ate, no poisons, enough calories, well spread out through the day, enough nutrients, enough sleep, enough contact with nice people and nature. If that is ok I need to check if there are external factors. Well, I guess this will pass too.

During ayahuasca sessions I have been raving mad about visions of little play towns build of sugar that popped up in my head. I felt violated by the images that came up in my mind and I discarded them as ‘brain snot’; the stuff that needs to get out-of-the-way before you can get into an ayahuasca session. Like parts of a dream that consist of not so important things that you saw during the day. Also because I would have thought that it would show me that alcohol is bad, not sugar, I knew that sugar is bad. It works out it that I did not know.

It took some time to write this and I am ok now I guess. Relieved that I did not drink. Sad that it really is true; the thought that I did not want to think about because I knew it would upset me: I can never ever drink again. Not that I want to, but it is very final for forever. Not just final for now. I can deal with final for now. Final for forever is a bit too big to handle. Don’t wanna go there. If I am fine with final for now that is fine. That’s all I need. And I can not eat sugar anymore. Back to the 100% rule.

I think I set myself up yesterday morning already with my vegetable shake: I had run out of celery so I added 3 apples to the mix. I was wondering if that would not be too much sugar. So it was. Apples are ok, when I eat them, juicing is a different thing because it only leaves me with the sugary juice. I would never eat 2 apples, but I can drink up to 3 apples in no-time. Not good.

Pfffffff. 8 o ‘clock. Tired now. Sad. Sad that it is all true. Happy that I quit? Not sure. Yes. Yes, happy that I quit, in a tired sort of way. Just did not expect things to get difficult after a month of having the wind in my sails. Happy that my mom studied nutrition and passed some of the curiosity on towards me. Happy with my freaking book! Hurray! This might as well have saved my life.

Not happy that it is all true. This is going to take years. Well, I don’t have to stop my life for that. Just feels that way. Funny that again I notice that the thought of having to go 100% non sugar scares more than having to go 100% alcohol free while only about 1% of my calories in a week come from ‘unavoidable’ sugar. Apart from yesterday that is. Kicking of the sugar in the early ’90 has given my biggest withdrawal symptoms of all: worst than cold turkey from alcohol, worst than cold turkey from smoking, worst than cold turkey from 3 liters of diet coke and ‘all other caffeine and black and green tea’ with it – because that is how I roll – all or nothing. And that is very much how the hypoglycemic mind works.

Tired. Happy in a sad and tired way, which I guess is not happy. Not proud, shaken. Happy that I will see GP3 end of this week. Happy that I changed to a homeopathic one, makes stuff easier to explain. πŸ™‚

Ha, I can breathe again. That is good. Tired now. Very tired. And I wish I had something physical that I could write without having to check the spelling every time.

And…. Music!!! I love ‘On the rocks’ but this is one of the worst numbers they did but with every detail of this performance they act out exactly the aggresive confusion that went on in my mind.

Look and you shall find, ask and you shall be given.

I was wondering when I’d get my ‘magic’ back. Today it did! I biked through the city on my way to the sauna and passed this marvelous second-hand shop. Outside were four crates of 1,5 by 1,5 by 1,0m high filled with books. As I biked past I thought: ‘check out these books because the AA book you are looking for is in there.’ So I turned and started searching. There were a few guys searching too and at a certain moment guy 1 and I got to speak. He spoke and said stuff….Β  it made no sense to me, his mind looked all over the place and I kept thinking: keep on speaking with the guy because something is coming up. And suddenly he said:

‘I need to clear my mind, let it come to rest.’

‘That is funny, I was thinking of the same thing yesterday. And now I am looking for a book that is connected with the process I am in.’ At which moment I picked up a book called ‘synchronicity’ (not by Jung). I laughed and said: Funny, we think about the same thing and I pick up this book on synchronicity.

‘That is funny, I have heard about synchronicity all my life but only yesterday I learned what it meant. Jung, it is from Jung. At which moment he picks up Jung’s book on dreams and symbols…

I thought that I had misunderstood my earlier message from me to me so I checked internally if this was what I was supposed to pick up or learn and the answer was: ‘No, you need to find the book.’

And at that moment guy 3, a meter away from me, picks up the AA twelve steps book I had searched for -from the bottom of the case where I can’t even reach- and he puts it away…. so I can put it on my pile. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

2 Hours later in the sauna I meet a guy who starts talking to me and suddenly says: ‘You have a very clear goal.’ If only he knew… yes, being clear IS the goal. And: ‘You have magic, I can feel that, it is around you.’

Magic, synchronicity, (?pick-up line?) Who knows, but I certainly had a thing today with men that say strange stuff. Just wondering: did you ever walk around naked saying ‘you have magic, I can feel it.’ to somebody? And at the moment itself it seemed PERFECTLY normal, well, maybe a bit strange, but totally in sync with the happenings of the day. πŸ™‚

Important to me: what was lost is back. To me, well these are funny examples, but to me, not drinking is strongly linked to this strange possibility I discovered in my and outside my brain. It diminishes with alcohol and when the addict lying started I lost touch with it. That is the price of addiction. And now I am feeling my way back into life. Or in other words:

Look and you shall find, ask and you shall be given, knock and you shall be opened.

Happy that I quit although tonight was the first moment I had a craving that lasted, well 10 seconds or so but that is big for me. The foundling has got a new home and is leaving tomorrow. Which is good but I cannot appreciate it. 😦 Sad now. One of the neighbours fell in love with him. He needs his own Human but I am sad to see him go because he is such a bundle of joy. Oooh life, all this saying goodbye.

Thought I’d do nothing for a while

Gabor MatΓ© speaks of doing nothing to let your mind come to rest and really BE without using your brain or adding things from the outside. So I tried to come to a restful place.Β  Oooh, I remembered this goes way better if I light some candles and get some incense burning. And yes, let’s close the curtains. And feed the cats so they won’t disturb me.

I know the state ‘of mind’, been there before. Soooo…. I….. well, let’s say I tried. For about 1 minute, then I thought this would be going way better in a hot tub so I let the tub fill up. Then I thought of adding bath oil and pondered over ‘lemon’, ‘chestnut’, no marjoram because that stimulates, roses maybe? I decided on chestnut. In the bath, door closed. Foundling comes along and scratches the door, he wants in. I let him in because I do not want to be disturbed anymore by the feeling of shutting him out. He is in, he says something along the lines of ‘I don’t like the humidity in here, I want out’. So I let him out. (How on EARTH do people with kids run their lives?)

And… get back in the bath. In the bath suddenly all these opinions about everything pop up. It reminds me of my first ayahuasca experience, opinions: not important. Aaah. That is actually true. How did I happen to forget that? ‘Because you think it defines you and you need it to give yourself a position in this world, you think that if you don’t have opinions you do not exist. Your famous ‘those that know better are better.’ principle.’ Aaah, how did I forget that? ‘Because you are scared.’ Yeah. I am. So I cried, crying is good. All that tension, holding on to straight believes, not relaxing. That’s another thing I need to watch. I sleep fine but I am still very, very tense.

So, I’d done my crying, now I can really start to do nothing.

‘Would the bath oil actually float on the water because that would mean that it is has been running away with the excess water.’

No, thinking.

Aah, no thinking. I’ll breathe instead. In, 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4. Or was it 5? Out 2, 3, 4, 5. No, does not feel good. Actually I should do more exercise.

I would have thought that would have slipped into your organic plan automatically already.

Obviously not there yet. And no thinking and certainly NO opinions!

I could do some situps here. Ah, no thinking.

I have difficulty relaxing. No thinking.

Yes,very, very dangerous. Will get you relapsed if you don’t do something about it. Why have you not finished your book yet? And what if GP3 does not agree with your plan? Will you continue to do it by yourself? How much are you willing to spend on it? How much can you afford?

I can call Dr Larson and ask if all the test are really mandatory because the nutrients are not poisonous anyhow. So I might as well only do the hypoglycemia test and the candida test, and possibly one or two gland tests, well, maybe the hair test.

You should have finished the book by now.

I can’t! It is a difficult book, I can only do so many pages a day without my mind starting to wander.

This went on for another 10 minutes I guess. I covered loads of subjects. All fears and trying to work out how to control them. Parts of self pity. ‘This bath feels weird, my heart is going al funny, I might die here. Where is the phone. Why did I not put the phone out here? I’ll get out, you never know. Hey NOW I feel dizzy, better lay down a bit. Wouldn’t that be sad, getting all sober and then dying. Just my luck.

I’m low on salts, how can that be? Drank too much tea, ate too little? Don’t snack anymore? My blood pressure must have dropped by now. Sure of it. Don’t forget to test.

I don’t even want to repeat it. How on earth did I ever, ever in my life shut up? I could even start running again to get to the point where I am too tired to care about thinking. Good thing that the book has a formula for erratic minds :-).

Oooh, past my bedtime, should get to bed. That is The Plan.

Happy that I quit. Now getting to the stuff where the going gets tough. Or maybe I want too much. Or maybe I do too little, or maybe I just feel weird because I ran out of vitamin B complex.

Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor MatΓ© on YouTube. Nice πŸ™‚

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

Glutamine quenches alcohol cravings

I am reading the book; Seven week Sobriety from Joan Mathews Larson and while so I am blogging about what I find. Here the following quote on quenching alcohol cravings using glutamine.

Glutamine

This amino acid has a truly amazing ability to reduce cravings for alcohol. In a study reported in the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, the desire to drink was significantly diminished among alcoholics who took glutamine, while cravings continued unabated among a comparison group who received a placebo. The alcoholics who took glutamine also reported that they were less anxious and able to sleep better.

I have noticed that HRC clients complain of a return of cravings within forty-eight hours when they neglect to refill their glutamine supplies. You can quench a sudden desire for alcohol by opening a 500-milligram glutamine capsule and letting it dissolve in your mought. (Substances placed under the tongue are absorbed directly into the bloodstream and take effect immediately.) Glutamine is on of our clients’ favorite nutrients.

That would be page 107.

Glutamine is found in beef, pork, chicken, turkey but also in seafood, milk and milk products (remember that glass of milk after a heavy night?), eggs (remember the fried eggs in the morning?). Glutamine can also be found in cabbage, beets, spinach, kale, parsley and wheat grass. Quantities differ per food source of course.

I always wondered why I ate loads and loads of meat and eggs after a night of serious boozing. And why a glass of milk or two before going to bed lessened a hangover and food cravings in the morning. That’s actually what I did, drink and then eat to diminish the consequences in my body. As I said before, I wanted to be alive whenever I decided I would start living. :-/

When looking up the book from doctor Mathews Larsons on e.g. Amazon you will find that there are loads of other books on the subject that are less ‘old’. This book is last revised in 1997. If anybody has read other books on the subject of a nutritional approach to alcohol addiction I am very interested to hear about that.

By the way. The writer claims that her approach will seriously diminish depression and anxiety as well because those are/can be worsened by lack of nutrients like zinc and magnesium.

Do read the book if you want to diminish cravings easily and restore your body so you have less depression, tiredness, anxiety and what have you. I am personally convinced that my attempt at a nutritional approach has helped me stop drinking and keeps my cravings to a minimum.

Don’t read the book if you are looking for a mental guidance. There is no solace here. πŸ™‚ Well apart from the promise that quitting will be easy, there will be only a minimum of cravings and the chance that you stay of the booze is 3 times higher than any other non-nutricional treatment – so they say.

The book is almost, well I would say ‘obviously’ written by somebody that has had no addiction herself. Ghegheghe. She does not beat around the bush and has a ‘This is how you can stop drinking, we have 74% result so do as I say’ approach. ‘And by the way, stop smoking and eating and drinking caffeine products and also sugar because both those addictions will make it harder to quit alcohol.’ And for those with hypoglycemia (that would be most people addicted to alcohol) sugar will spark alcohol cravings. But don’t let that stop you, quitting anything WILL be easier if you have got your nutritions worked out.

Happy that I quit, happy that I quit sugar, smoking and caffeine before I did alcohol. Happy that I found this book. Trying to work out in my head how to do work this theory into my live.

28 Days and A Plan

28 Days today. Going to celebrate that with watching the movie 28 Days tonight. In this movie Sandra Bullock is a loose post-teen woman with a serious alcohol problem. She gets caught for drunk driving and has to go to rehab. She is very apprehensive but along the line you will see her change.

The first time I watched it must be 10 years ago, I had no idea what it the movie was about, just watched it but it did get me thinking. The whole movie is generally good fun but specifically the end stayed with me. I guess it set me on the path of selecting and letting go friends and acquaintances that I knew would get me in trouble if I would ever stop. It might have also showed me that drinking in public is not elegant.

When I look back it is actually strange that I drank for so long. Drinking stopped being ‘fun’ after I studied. By the age I was about 25 it already had a quality of something I needed to lift myself from below zero to zero. Well, that would exactly be addiction; not being able to stop.

And today? Hmmm, let me try to make a plan for the day.

– I’ll start of reading Seven weeks to sobriety.

– Then when I get cold I’ll shower and eat.

– Make a Bach remedy cocktail focussed on getting stuff done and moving away from the feeling that I am ‘still ill’ and ‘need to be carefull’.

– Get my vitamins in, have been neglecting that.

– Call girlfriends, make appointments for the week.

– Clean the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom.

– Do food shopping.

– Clean the communal garden and try to see if the cat dares to come out of the house when I’m out.

Those are 2 things too many. Ditch the communal garden.

– Add: planning a date to make the plan to present the GP.

– Add: enjoy what you are doing and relax.

I’ve gone all tense now when thinking of A Plan. Don’t want to be accountable (yet?) or ‘just’? Ha! I’m really getting stuck internally here. Hmmm. No wonder I never get stuff done. I go into panic mode only by thinking of a plan. Even a day plan. I have had this all my adult life as I remember but normally I would drink the uneasiness away and wait for deadlines to come closer so the stress of the deadline would outdo the stress of the plan.

Deadline surfer I am. Let’s look that up on the internet. Aaah, internet has the ‘attack it with your will and brainpower approach.’ That has not worked for me ever. I guess I’ll just have to ponder on what is keeping me. Perfect therapy subject. Guess what?!! I have that book from Covey, it says ‘Priorities’ on the back. Never read it. Might be good to get an inkling of what it takes to prioritize. Oooh, feeling some resistance here. πŸ˜€ Breathe, breathe…

Happy that I quit but not proud anymore because I’m getting to the part now where things start to matter and I feel I can’t deliver. Happy that I have given myself the opportunity to come to this stage and see where the barriers and traps are. Let’s see how this develops.

Starting to feel like 30 years back

It is about 30, make that 29 years ago that I first drank alcohol. I am realising that, despite a whole lot of shit going on then, I generally woke up singing, literally. As I generally do now I don’t drink. My first posts may have been / be dark and the darkness is there. But it is not all overpowering anymore. I see the sun, I’m happy. Or I’m happy so I can see the sun. I can hear the birds, enjoy the spiders in their webs, love the first leaves falling.

Allen Carr tought me about smoking that ‘People that smoke have cravings, these cravings can get really bad when they are for instance on an international flight of several hours. What people fear about quitting smoking is that, for the rest of their lives they will feel like those hours in the plane. That is not the truth. They will feel free, breath freely, be happy that they quit.’ And then follows some disclaimer on how to do it, but I did what he said, I mean, he was the expert, why not undo my own brainwash (smoking is nice) and replace it with some truth (smoking is nasty). It got me through and I was happy that I was free.

Same for drinking. I wake up singing now. πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit and proud of it. I am free.