A Dream – The Book – The Plan

DREAM

Had a dream, can’t really remember but it was good AND: I had contact with people in the dream and they were separate people, not ‘the usual block against me’ and they said normal and nice things and did not close me out. NICE and NEW.

BOOK

Also, also, also on the book here another quote from page 270 of Seven weeks to sobriety by Joan Mathews Larson:

QUOTE: You should feel very proud and happy to have reached this point in your recovery program. Now it is time to think seriously of the future. UNQUOTE.

People that have read my blog will probably recognise the words Happy and Proud. And see! It’s time for THE PLAN.

THE PLAN

The plan is becomming an issue. I’m starting to think I should do something about it. So…. I went to bed too late yesterday and did not set my alarm. Why? I don’t know. I could not even think of a reason while doing it. Apart from that I did not want to go to bed and I did not want to set my alarm. I did get up on time but that was because my neighbour (who drinks a shitload) is always late for her work and slams the door on the way out. Well. At least she has a job.

The Plan for today is to go back to the draft version and make a paper out of it that I can actually look on on a daily base. Do what I wrote on it (15 minutes cleaning, 15 minutes excersise, 15 minutes unfucking my desk) And to finish the 7 Weeks to sobriety. (Done) and to work 2 hours on making a draft to present to my GP on Thursday. I think I need 4-6 hours for that in total so I’l better hurry.

I am happy that I quit in a worried kind of way (???) because I really need to get going with my life now. Proud, not so proud anymore, pride is de-wathevered by worry about doing stuff and not doing The Plan.

Trying to make A Plan work

Trying to make a plan work. Up to now it only contains sleeping times and eating times. It’s not working, found myself in my bathrobe, cold feet and dizzy with hunger at 14:30 hours today. I really have to plan to eat now I don’t have these morning after cravings anymore.

It is not comming automatically to me. Still doing what I should not be doing: computer this, write blogs, read blogs, comment, PM with Facebook friends from old times popping up, catching up, trying to find the home for the foundling. Patting the foundling, patting my own cat. Worrying about him and my cat is really hindering me. Need to think about that because he sleeps 80% of the time, so what’s the worry? The worry is that he is somebody elses cat and that the person might be very sad right now and I therefore need to do everything I can to get him home as soon as possible.

From Almaas: ‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’ I subscribe to that. It’s just very, very inconvenient all of the delaying my own life and interfering with the foundlings life.

I DID make an appointment for GP3 next week! Tadaaaa! And planed some social things for the weekend. Tadaaaa! It is going to be nice weather so I might as well go to the sauna too. Tadaaa! No, no tadaa, that is still a plan. Going to add a ‘not doing stuff’ tag to the list. :-/

Gonna read some more about nutrients. And replace Mastercheff tonight with Gabor MatΓ© on YouTube. Nice πŸ™‚

I should be happy that I quit but I suddenly can’t really remember how it felt. Voices: ‘The fuck with being proud, go do your cleaning and admin, that’s when you can be proud!’ 😦

Day after normal day 3

Went to bed at 1:something last night. I just can’t wind down when I’m socialising till late, can’t sleep. Or, maybe I have the feeling I can’t sleep, never tried to go to sleep, would always drink till I could sleep. This ‘frenzy’ in my head is something that I, at the moment see as the biggest danger for me for relapse. Don’t know where it comes from. Breathing deeply changes it to normal tiredness. Which could mean it is some sort of lack of oxigen or surplus in carbondioxide. Or that breathing deeply is a relaxation technique that helps me focus on the here and now. Let’s find out.

Did my online free anti-alchol training. Have done it 8 or 10 times by now. It’s a little boring. They keep on showing the same photo’s of alcoholic and softdrinks and I need to push the right button. But then again, drinking every night again, and again, and again is not really exciting either. Might as well put some time in it since they promise wonderful results. And indeed, after the umpteenth photo of a glas of beer I get this dunno, bored feeling. They say the technique desensitizes. I guess that is a fancy word for ‘boredom’.

I’ve got one of these hickups again, something is out there waiting for me to understand and learn to manage and I’m going ‘Nooooooooooo!!!!’ What is it? I think it is organisation of the daily tasks. Yesterday and the day before I realised how rewarding it was to eat and sleep at the right (pre-set) times. And now I feel like it has been soooo exhausting, ‘I really do need a reward’. I want to sleep. Apart from that I do need to sleep because my head is spinning, I do need to realise that this simple level of organisation is a very important step if I want to deal with the hypoglemic part of the food and alcohol cravings. Pfffffffff… IdontwanttogothereiwanttosleepIdontwantittobedifficult. IwanttobeabletodowhatIdid whenIwas19butbetternowandwithoutthedrinkingandIdontwantittobedifficult.

Aaah, I do not believe I can organise my life, that is half of the energy. Going to sleep now.

And woke up 3 hours later. Got some extra flyers out in the neighbourhood for the kitten. Still tired. Must be starting to hybernate already. To bed early.

Happy that I quit. A little too tired to be proud.

Normal day 2

Yesterday evening I made A Plan, it included eating times, sleeping times and activity times. It is the vanilla version of A Plan, but intense enough for me to start with. It includes time for the Mind, Body and Spirit and some daily life stuff like admin and cleaning.

Today I have done total 1,5 hours of biking, 3 hours of ‘walking’ in the woods, 2 hours of chatting and catching up with a friend. All friends I meet now say ‘You look so good. Your eyes have changed. You look happy now.’

Went to see a girlfriend who is starting a new restaurant. It was wonderful to see her. And suddenly strange to notice that her husband, of whom she says that ‘he drinks too much’ has shaking hands in the morning. I had never noticed that but I have only seen him in the evening after he already had a few beers. It is bizarre to see how many people are effected by alcohol. See people walking on the street and the fog and the dirt of the city that hangs around them is so obvious. A shame I have been caught in that for so long. Happy that I quit. Looking at it I realise that I do not want to be there ever again. Such a miserable place, who ever said alcohol was fun? Brrrrr. Nasty substance it is. 😦

Spent the afternoon in the woods with 2 women I met on Facebook. We were all interested in learning how to recognise plants and trees so we made an appointment, got some books and went into the woods. It was good fun and we learned a lot! Works out that I actually knew one of the women because she was in a course that I gave at their headquarters. How bizarre in a 1,5 million people city.

Funny how being active one day totally makes me lose my interest in any deep thoughts. So this is where I say goodnight or -day to you. I need to wind down, I only have 2 hours left in the day before my planned sleeping time. πŸ™‚

3,5kg and slept according to plan

Improvements are being made. I drew up a plan last night. I lost 3,5Kg all in all and slept according to plan. Now I need to run because I have 10 minutes left to get breakfast.

Happy that I quit and proud of it. Now let’s see.

28 Days and A Plan

28 Days today. Going to celebrate that with watching the movie 28 Days tonight. In this movie Sandra Bullock is a loose post-teen woman with a serious alcohol problem. She gets caught for drunk driving and has to go to rehab. She is very apprehensive but along the line you will see her change.

The first time I watched it must be 10 years ago, I had no idea what it the movie was about, just watched it but it did get me thinking. The whole movie is generally good fun but specifically the end stayed with me. I guess it set me on the path of selecting and letting go friends and acquaintances that I knew would get me in trouble if I would ever stop. It might have also showed me that drinking in public is not elegant.

When I look back it is actually strange that I drank for so long. Drinking stopped being ‘fun’ after I studied. By the age I was about 25 it already had a quality of something I needed to lift myself from below zero to zero. Well, that would exactly be addiction; not being able to stop.

And today? Hmmm, let me try to make a plan for the day.

– I’ll start of reading Seven weeks to sobriety.

– Then when I get cold I’ll shower and eat.

– Make a Bach remedy cocktail focussed on getting stuff done and moving away from the feeling that I am ‘still ill’ and ‘need to be carefull’.

– Get my vitamins in, have been neglecting that.

– Call girlfriends, make appointments for the week.

– Clean the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom.

– Do food shopping.

– Clean the communal garden and try to see if the cat dares to come out of the house when I’m out.

Those are 2 things too many. Ditch the communal garden.

– Add: planning a date to make the plan to present the GP.

– Add: enjoy what you are doing and relax.

I’ve gone all tense now when thinking of A Plan. Don’t want to be accountable (yet?) or ‘just’? Ha! I’m really getting stuck internally here. Hmmm. No wonder I never get stuff done. I go into panic mode only by thinking of a plan. Even a day plan. I have had this all my adult life as I remember but normally I would drink the uneasiness away and wait for deadlines to come closer so the stress of the deadline would outdo the stress of the plan.

Deadline surfer I am. Let’s look that up on the internet. Aaah, internet has the ‘attack it with your will and brainpower approach.’ That has not worked for me ever. I guess I’ll just have to ponder on what is keeping me. Perfect therapy subject. Guess what?!! I have that book from Covey, it says ‘Priorities’ on the back. Never read it. Might be good to get an inkling of what it takes to prioritize. Oooh, feeling some resistance here. πŸ˜€ Breathe, breathe…

Happy that I quit but not proud anymore because I’m getting to the part now where things start to matter and I feel I can’t deliver. Happy that I have given myself the opportunity to come to this stage and see where the barriers and traps are. Let’s see how this develops.

New lay, new life, another old dream

Hello,

I thought it was time for a new layout. I make such long paragraphs that the small lay that I had does not make for nice reading. Not sure about the picture yet, was looking for something that depicted the natural order of things. This is from a medieval painting depicting god creating the world in a natural order. Not sure about the god part but I do think there is a natural order. I was looking for a photo of nature that shows this but I only get sunflowers and I am not big on yellow or yellow with brown. Those were my worries for the day. πŸ™‚

Went out with an elderly neighbour to an ecological fruit garden just outside the city where we could get our own apples and pears from the tree. Had a nice little walk and some apples of course, beautiful weather.

I feel it is time to start to live again. As in: be responsible for all aspects of my life, not only mental and physical health that I have been looking into the last 4 weeks. My GP3 asked me to draw up a plan since I indicated that I was not ready yet or not willing to look for outside help other than seeing her and my therapist. GP1 had said to me months ago: ‘We need to look into your problem with alcohol, but we will only do what you want and when you want it.’ And that was exactly the only way she could keep me in and doing this. I know me, later I realised that if she would have come up with one tiny hint of a plan in that stage I would have opposed against it. That’s not only booze talking, that’s the character.

Later when I was doing an intake for a program I thought it was a good thing to surrender that part of me but it did not work. I can only do all or nothing so I gave up everything and handed it over to ‘Those That Will Help Me’. That included my, what I call Initiative – my, not sure how to explain, inner responsibility for living?

So I went down hill rapidly from then on. Then at the day they did not call while they had said they would, I collapsed and while collapsing I noticed that I had given everything away. ‘Even they don’t think I am worth saving.’ (add drunk whining) And while noticing that and thinking ‘there is nothing left of me’ another thought came into my head ‘I always, always have myself. What to I want to do?’

I want to quit drinking and I want to become clear, walk my path. I want to Live.

‘How are you going to do that?’ Give it everything I got. I have intellect, I can read, I have this strange ability to feel my way through healing. Taking into account that I have been addicted for so long I still have quite a lot of honesty left in me. I have quit smoking, eating sugar and drinking caffeine, I know how to recognise a trap and if I have trouble or fail I can always ask help. I can trust myself in knowing what is good for me.’

And there is also a part that touched my pride because if (I imagine) that somebody says I’m not worth it, I might as well prove them wrong. Well. Let’s say I have used what I got to break the bonds with alcohol. I thought that was impossible. I thought there was nothing left of me. I guess that I was so hopelessly lost that it really was a do or die decision.

(And I’m going to compare this story with other writing before just to see if it is getting more heroic by the time.)

I have born myself again. Had a dream about that, it was 20 years ago. I had just seen the movie ‘Where the green ants dream’. In this movie an Aboriginal man sits under a trea and dreams his child. I thought that was wonderful, I understood it as meditating on the new child to come and therewith inviting a spirit to reincarnate. And in the same week I read that immaculate conception is technically possible if 2 eggs of a women mix and make a baby. That would make a clone.

So I dreamed that I had become pregnant of myself and that I had born myself. I was having a great time but being 15 I got shunned by my family. Not for being pregnant but for ‘lying’ about it which I did not because I had born myself OBVIOUSLY!! :-D. I was however allowed to live in a tent in the garden but that was about all, and doctors kept on saying that it was impossible and that the baby just looked like me a lot. ‘Give it time and it will look different.’ And of course there was my brother in the sideline despising me. All in all I was having the most important experience of my life and feeling great but I was confused by what was going on around me and people’s judgements.

Having born myself was wonderful. I understood everything I said and wanted and there was no confusion in mother I about ‘does she need a diaper or food?’ And the other way around: baby I could just communicate and be understood. It was sooo good to take care of me and be taken care of by me. In the dream I felt old pain of not being understood and needs that had not been met repairing. I could feel hurt leaving my cells and contentment and peace settle.

In real life I had been a very angry baby. I was born angry and crying angrily and very loudly. My mother said she had never seen such an angry baby. She always said that with some apprehension so I have always guessed that must have been there when I was a baby too. Well, it was there every time she said it. I feel that part of me drinking has to do with me ‘not wanting to be on this planet’. I feel I have not done the last part of my incarnation and that my anger as a baby and now has something to do with that.

Incarnation to me is about living, taking responsibility, walking my path and enjoying life as it is meant to be – whatever that might entail. I have always felt that there is a big part in me that does not want to take responsibility, would ‘rather not be here’ because ‘it is too difficult’. Me quitting drinking is important in this process of finally fully incarnating. If I totally want to be here before I die I have done a good thing with my life. And yes, I am always afraid that only an experience that has the magnitude of dying can get that depressed touch out of me… Hmmm, guess I’m running (trying to run?) to beat that to it. This is possibly a moment where the ‘believing in a higher power’ comes in handy, or letting go.

So, I am thinking I solved not being understood by having born myself and taking care of me. Part of it is sad, another part is obviously food for psychiatrists on narcissism and I have heard the dream being described as ‘a superior form of incest’ too. But I am happy with taking the healing part of it. πŸ™‚

There was an end to it that I do not understand yet. I saw toddler I walk as a 3 years old. My dream said: the problem with you is that you are so ……Β  And I cannot remember that, I thought it was ‘black and white’ or ‘split’ (what would be within the theme of the dream) or ‘divided’. On her body was a raster of lines, 8 horizontal lines connected by 3 vertical lines so it was like a very simple drawing of book shelfs with 14 little blocks. The total fitted on the body of the toddler I and the left blocks, so on toddler I’s right side, where all white, the other blocks were black. And if toddler I did anything that brought me/her out of balance the blocks would shift like crazy and I/she would be uncomfortable.

About the black and white, I guess that can be taken literal; apart from my actual hair colour, compared to others, very little is grey area in me. I live in either/or situations. Trying to work on that, it is not elegant and does not suit my age. It does come in handy while not drinking or saying goodbye to people who are bad for me; snip, there goes the umbilical cord. Actually I am using a few rather nasty character treats to cut the booze connection. Hmmm, peculiar.

Right now I am understanding the blocks as such: I cannot moderate. πŸ™‚ And my body can’t work with sugar very well which is called hypoglycemia and that is linked to getting addicted to alcohol / is linked to drinking for a long time, not sure yet which or maybe both.

Well, that was a long post and 3 to 5 subjects in one again. If you made it this far I thank you. Have a nice new week!

Happy that I quit and proud of it.

Free course in procrastinating

I’m bored, but I’m guessing it is something else I don’t want to go into. Thinking I lost structure now I don’t have ‘a book’. I do have ‘a book’, but I don’t like it, and the next books are still sailing around the ocean.

The mess in the house and the bank account are looking back at me and saying: time for reality. They use this really high, luring voices. But just not luring enough I am guessing. Ooh shit, it’s evening already; time to relax. Anybody wants a course in procrastinating?

 

‘How is addiction still influencing your life currently?’

WELL…… Let’s say, it is a process…

Uninspired post

Well, post number 296 about trying to do stuff.

I did stuff. 😦 I changed GP to a homeopathic one.  All worked out rude because GP3 had already send a file request to GP2 and I did not know that. Not elegant at all. 😦 So much for taking care of me myself and I. :-/

GP3 said I should lose weight if I wanted to lessen the amount of oestrogen in my body. My breasts are swollen because of it. Luxury problem, I know, I know. πŸ˜‰ Lost 3 kg, then gained a kilo in 3 days. Did not eat that much, used to eat waaaaay more. Guess I’m not flushing it out anymore.

Finished Nakken, tried reading a new book but it is all too 12 steppy for me. Too much association with the strict religious threats my father made. Can’t read 1 sentence without feeling suffocated. My father was addicted to fantasising about the end of times. He would lecture us about it, on and on and on and on. Everybody would be saved, but only if we did what he said. Not me because I was a whore, so he decided. Getting tired of all the old pain shit. Should be doing stuff. The good thing of not drinking is that things are actually leaving my system. When I cry it helps to cry while before it felt like I was only adding onto the pile of shit.

Gonna do my online anti-alcohol training. It is getting a little boring. Same pictures, same buttons and they don’t mention if I ‘m doing better or worse. I asked them if I can get a view of my scores but they have not yet replied.

Sooo, nothing nice to write? Well, today’s weather is my favorite. (So why am I here inside?)

And I am moderately happy that I quit. Still happy, but it is not very special anymore. Is that a trap? Doesn’t feel like it but I notice I do get susceptible to feeling bad if I’m not happy. Hahahaaa! And I have only just worked that out. Hmmmm.

Can’t get started

Trying to do stuff. So far I have only

– written my former post on the dream, while I notice now that I took very little learning from it.

– made and eaten tomato soup, all veggy, no tomato paste or E-numbers anywhere,

– taken a hot bath

– read in my dreamwork book, put it aside

– seen half of yesterday’s Masterchef

– put all my energy in trying to think what I should do while at the same time avoiding the bills that are still laying around. I guess these cost a lot of energy as well. 😦

Let’s go see the other half of Mastercheff!