Yeah! I feel like a pussycorn!!! (unicorn + kitten)

Yeah! I found my spark plug!!! It is Iodine! And I feel like this:

A pussycorn…. 🙂

Yesterday I walked 9 kilometer without trouble, without even thinking about it. Today 9 kilometers again in the pouring rain. No worries. If you read in the news that somebody has exploded out of sheer happiness it would be me! I’m high with it. It is amazing.

People that have followed me the last 5 months might have wondered whenever I would get my ass away from the computer and start doing things instead of procrastinating….. Well…. knock wood but I think I’ve got it. And as I said, it is Iodine. Now I google ‘Iodine procrastinating’ and low and behold what shows up: a book saying that heart medication that controls heart flutters as I had them actually depletes the body of Iodine. Nice. So that’s where it came from, my beta blockers. I think I’m gonna check back with my GP2 to inform her of that. :-/

So… How happy am I?! I am over the moon! I have found my energy back and it was indeed my spark plug. I thought it was because if I do stuff I am ok, but the starting… blaaahg……. So there is this new feeling that I can actually look up, and change my view, look at the horizon again. Do you understand? The feeling that life can start again. That the speed of the world and everybody elses speed does not hurt anymore because I am no part of it. Now I can connect again.

I have not been so happy in years. I am back! 🙂 My body is back and we align again and wow. Wow!! This is as good as quitting drinking and maybe even better because the fog in my head is gone too. That took a while!! SKY HIGH! 🙂

Thanks to my mother’s educatation in nutrition and my fathers stubbornness I think that I finally found what I was looking for. Next up: life!

1 Day without beta blockers!

Yeah! Yesterday I did one full day without beta-blockers. Last night I had this wonderful experience of muscles relaxing all over the top of my back. And this might sound even more weird than anything I have written but the top of my spine seemed to be part of the universe. And the other way around, the whole universe seemed to fit in my spine. You know this feeling when you gaze at the stars and you feel tiny and big and connected at the same time? That, in my spine. Don’t know what it means, apart from a feeling of connection – which is very soothing. I feel more at ease in the world since I realised that I am made of particles that are as old as the universe. Isn’t that a wonderful realisation?

Did not sleep well, cat trying to wake me up every 2 hours but still better than with beta blockers. As a side effect they interfere with sleeping patterns… which is a very good idea for people with stress – isn’t it? Well, I should have listened to my gut and quit booze when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in the first place. Well, I did, and then after two weeks when my blood pressure was back to 140 I started drinking again. Smart… And it quickly became way, way worse than it was actually. I had that jojo effect that people experience with loosing weight with booze too: in a ‘oooh, I’ll never drink again’ mode I would quit. After 3-4 days I would think I could moderate and after 6 days I would be drinking the same amount again, plus 1 or 2.

Allan Carr explained in the Stop smoking book that moderating smoking leads to a confirmation of the addiction because during moderating people start to enjoy what they have missed more. So the path to addiction is engraved in the soul. That worked the same for me with alcohol. I have difficulty quitting the beta blockers now because I have almost run out of them. If I would take 2 a day I have 2,5 days left. That scares me. If I think about that I get nervous and afraid. While actually I still have a load of the 50mg pills laying about but I don’t want to take them. It is somehow a funny control thing now to quit while I am actually scared to quit. I could imagine along these control lines one could become addicted to weight and food control too. I am a sissy when it comes to health. And the leaflet says; ‘don’t just quit, that might cause you to die instantly.’ Which might be true if you take 200mg twice a day for a serious heart condition but I am such a sissy that I fear it could be me. However. 1 Day without pills and I am feeling fine. 🙂 Hey, I had a universe in my spine! 😀

The days (maybe and maximum 2 weeks) leading up to the stopping I drank a shitload. Specifically the last evening. Just to make sure that I would never have that idea of ‘I have not had my last drink.’ And it worked. I don’t have that. Actually I left the last half (ok, quarter) glass of my last bottle of wine in the glass because with the brainwashing I did while drinking on my last evening I could not drink it anymore. The glass, with the dried up wine and fungi now has a place on my mantelshelf. And yes, I do hide it when I have visitors.

Still going strong on the Schuessler cell salts, I do believe they help me. I have not felt as relaxed in years. So that’s good. Just need to feel my way through when to stop with them. Not now because I am in the quitting process of the beta-blockers. The person I got the first salt from said: take them as you desire, but if you want a guideline; 4 a day, spread out and a maximum of 15. I like that. Feel my way through it. That’s what I can do.

And now some food and the book of Louise Hay on listening to your (well, mine) inner voice.

Happy that I quit. Generally happy-ish. Realising that I need to get a move on with my life. My inner voice is ‘nagging’ and I am guessing that it does so because there is a hurry. Yesterday I threw an online tarot in order to, well, I guess, shut my inner voice up but it worked out to say the exact same thing; financial disaster if you do not get a move on.

I want: to write another blog post on my inner voice.

I need: FOOD!!! Have not eaten yet.

Trying to moderate the beta blockers

New challenge. Since doing my admin still does not ‘work’ I might as well do something that I think/thought I am good at: quitting. First time in my life I will try to do this by moderation. I’m not so good at moderating (haha) but the enclosed paper says that I should take at least 2 weeks of moderation before quitting. Quitting cold turkey may lead to sudden death -> not good. But luckily that counts for people with heartproblems and I think I only have high blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been just within the boundaries of normal for about 2-3 months now so I thought I would quit my beta blockers. I have this whole schedule where I moderate. Yeah, schedule, plan… pffff.

I had 1 pill of 50mg a day. Now I take 2 of 25mg. But it is actually very uncomfortable to live on the halved dose. I hardly slept last night because of the pfffffffrrrrrrr things in my heart, like a butterfly caught in a jar. Which made me anxious and that got me in a funny circle; anxious, heart palpitations (is that the word?) -> more anxious -> more palpitations. And the cat did not like it either, she became anxious too and ran through the house like crazy for at least 2 hours. And only when I calmed down she did.

I rang the pill factory for some advice. They say it takes 4-5 days to get used to a new dose.

I finally did find out that taking deep breaths actually immediately works calming. 🙂 Oxygen is good, calm is good. And now I need to get out in the rain and bike 8 km to a place where I have to do stuff. Let’s say: good, oxygen, movement :-).

I am wondering how much of my lack of anxiety while quitting was covered up by the beta blocker. We shall see. :-/ I will go back to my old dose if I think quitting the pills endanger my sobriety. Which would actually mean that these pills, over the years, have become a substitute addiction and that bothers me. 😦 Well, I bother me, that is the issue. Note to self: stop moaning.

If anybody has any info on quitting beta blockers I would be delighted to hear about that.  🙂 Thanks in advance.

Happy that I quit, not happy today with what I do or what or why or whatever. Tired.