The land of no self-hate – episode 7

Currently not reading in the Cheri Huber book but trying to notice love and hate as they pop up during the day.

Since I have a lot of energy returning to me now I do not constantly dislike myself I feel I can work again. This is not true according to my friends and I still tear up when I think about my former workplace experiences, but I do like to think it is true. So the last days I have tried to force myself to think about work and direction in life. Guess with writing that down I realise that the forcing part is never a good recipe for getting good results… hmmm…. Well, I force myself and the ONLY thing that comes back currently is a whining;Β  “But I want to be special. I don’t want to do something normal, something average. I want to do something NEW and EXCITING and I want people to be in awe over it.” Yeah, well, not my proudest acknowledgment here.. but it is here and I can not leave from where I am not so I thought I would write about it.

I think to know when exactly I adopted this attitude. It was while admiring a very fashionable, beautiful woman who visited my neighbours and everybody was in awe of her. I thought something along the lines off: “If I become like here they will not touch me anymore, not hurt me.” I am guessing that is where my need for being special started.

It must be about 25 years ago when I spoke with a professional care-giver, he said: “with the right attitude, people do not harass you”. Even after this time I still carry it with me and it was one of the reasons why I hardly ever spoke about sex or abuse in therapy. These tiny sentences with such big consequences.

Being at the receivingΒ  end of that judgement about abuse I wanted to become special even more. Only if I was really, really special, with the right attitude, people would not harass me and not judge me for having been harassed. I would need to rise above humanity to be safe. This escapism, it is so big in me.

Last week a friend treated me on a horoscope explanation. Every word the man said was recognisable in my life. My main issue in life was ‘manifestation’ and my fear of it. And indeed: not being fully incarnated in this world, as I had already assumed. It is time. And I think self-acceptance, self-love is the way. πŸ™‚

While writing I try to go from the sort of neutral state of observing my state to acceptance of the situation and love for me. In every attempt I meet up with another blockage. Maybe I should not grapple with the Truth but wait for it to come by. Same shit, different excercise. πŸ™‚ How many reasons do I need to exactly not like myself?

It must have been about 10 years ago that I realised that from all the people I knew, I could not mention one of whom I felt they loved themselves. How many people do you know who genuinely love themselves?

There is this pretty persistent Dutch mentality in me that says “Doe ff normaal!” it means as much as: Act normal! NOW! It tells me I would be bragging if I said I love myself. That I would be stuck up. Dutch culture does not advise you to hate yourself, but a normal, neutral state is preferred. πŸ™‚ Which, now I come to think about it, is as logical as not loving somebody else ‘because that would give them the idea they were too good for this world.’Β  πŸ™‚

Because of the book by Cheri Huber I am starting to doubt if I can love somebody if I do not love myself. I think I can, but it is not unconditional, it is as conditional as I ‘love’ myself. Not only hate is a projection, a transfer, love can be too. When love is not a state of being of acceptance and realisation within the Life force, it seems to be a projection. Lately it seems to me that all emotions I could have about somebody else are projections. Obviously there are many moments I do not want to accept that because I prefer the guy whom I call an asshole to be an asshole rather than having to look at myself…. OBVIOUSLY!

Love can be emitting from my core and be aligned with Life or ‘put on somebody because of how he/she makes me feel’. Or so I experience it 10th of a seconds ever so now and then. (I would not want to presume I know anything about love because I “Doe normaal!”) Reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ at times brings me in this state of tranquility. It is a good antidote to the stress which is locked in my body. Ok. Did I tell you I think it is a good book? πŸ˜‰

My new course on a specific gardening subject started this week. Wonderful, wonderful , wonderful! I full classroom with mostly people of the same hair colour all excited about the same subjects. πŸ™‚ We are going to do excursions too. Yay! πŸ™‚

I am grateful that I do not drink alcohol anymore. Slowly, slowly this ship is turning away from the collision course it was on.

Wishing you a good sober day/night.

xx, Feeling

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I have alcohol dependency, works out that I have ‘human’ too.

I was just happily commenting along a post of Alcoholicsguidetoalcoholism when Paul commented: ‘We are all perfectly imperfect, it’s called ‘being human’.

Β ‘Shit!! Do I have that?’

That is indeed what I thought. I felt caught, trying to find a way out, looking for arguments. :-/ Did not exactly work, or it did. This is another one of those posts where I let the crazy out. See what it does. It eh, does its crazy stuff allright.

I always thought (think?) I could just, just scrape by and not be human. Being human? That is ok in itself. For others. Being fallible? I sympathise with you. Really, I do. πŸ™‚

How did that get there? And if I am not human, what am I? Trying to feel my way into this subject. And no, I am not crazy. Or maybe I can not judge that myself. Just trying to find out how it can be that I do not accept the humanity part (no… not part….). And the road to accepting that seems to be closed so I’ll beat around the bush a little, see what comes up.

Lacking female examples I think I am Thorgal. This is Thorgal:

This is Thorgal too:

How he got into this world:

He has a wiki page:

Thorgal Aegirsson: Son of Varth and Haynee, grandson of Xargos -captain of a spaceship on a way to Earth in search of energy sources. Raised by Vikings (after the spaceship crashed on Earth) but not one of them, he shows traits of character and morality that many Vikings consider those of a weak man. In reality, if need be, he is a courageous and skillful warrior and an exceptionally skilled archer. His life’s goal is to find a place for himself and his family to live in peace. For a time they strip him of his memory, and he becomes the pirate lord Shaigan, though his compassionate personality remained unchanged.

What comes up?

‘If I am human I AM A SUPERHUMAN!!! I MUST be very different from everybody else. Sure I wasn’t born. I was a revelation!’

Yesterday I was feeling cocky, now I am omnipotent. πŸ™‚ Tomorrow I am a god, no, not a god, tomorrow I am a God. Note the capital. And note that I am a God, that is funny. Why not God? Or the God? There are bounderies to my omnipotence. πŸ˜€ Funny.

If somebody else was saying this I would get really angry.

‘WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!!’

But still, I would not get past that because I would be angry because I would think the other would try to outdo me in being special. So it is dangerous not to be special. And the other is not allowed to out-special me. Need to stay with that. Going to let the crazy do the talking:

‘Don’t you dare be more special than I! Don’t you dare get out of this misery while we are still here! Don’t you dare to qualify for the love that I do not receive!!!’ Crying now.

‘Not enough love to go around. Lacking. Lacking, lacking something. Don’t know. I can’t be lacking love. I don’t need that. Stuff the security talk, there is no such thing! Piss off!! Get lost!!!! ‘ Crying now.

Today I want to feel special, not even normal. Just special.

‘Being special keeps me away from the groping hands. If I were special guys would not grope. They would worship and fear me.’

‘If I am human I could die. Shiiiiiiit.’

Those wer random thoughts popping up when I question myself. Nasty shit. I think I’ve had enough for today, no solution there yet, just information.

‘Ha! ‘Solution’, such a human word.’

Why don’t I allow myself to be human?

‘Where it is human it is alive, where it is alive it can die.’

Change of feelings: I am trying now to feel human and accept I can live and die. Yeah. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ There it is…. I have plunged into my body! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ That is NEW. My heart is happy, literally! It sings! πŸ™‚ It is all connecting in my upper body and my head is with it. And lower body.

‘If it is sacred it can be demolished. Wear the taboo on your sleeve, it will scare people away.’

That last part is on promiscuous behaviour. And so much for the crazy of today. With unexpected ‘solution’. πŸ™‚

Happy that I quit. It is, aaahr, quite invigorating. Here I was, thinking sobriety would be boring.