I’m really enjoying the tapping seminar. For those who have not been able to watch or listen to any of it: you can find some other video’s on the subject on Youtube as well.

What I really enjoy is how the technique helps me realise my pre-thingy thingies (what are those words?) where I have a conviction that seems unimportant until now I realise that a lot of my life is actually based on it. So I’ve done some tapping and low and behold, my lower back pain is worse than it has ever been but I feel I’m really getting the hang of it. :-).

On ‘not wanting to grow up’ on ‘not being able to bear responsibility’ on ‘being overwhelmed by the demands of the world’, on thinking ‘I’m not good enough to be really happy’, I ‘don’t deserve to be pain-free’. All that caught up in some vague back pain. πŸ™‚ So yeah, my lower back pain suddenly got bad… auch, but the rest of my back is happily tingling like it has come to life for the first time in my life. I feel like there is a layer of stress that resided (?) just below my skin, all over my body, and it is sort of relaxing now. It feels like I can hold more air when breathing. The cat fell asleep on my lap which is very rare.

I guess the main thing with the tapping is to address an issue and find out what is keeping me from ‘being happy’ about it. Hmmmm, suddenly I don’t feel like going into all of that. But well, that’s what I think is important and that’s why I think it is important to either draw up your own script or work with somebody who can actually see / feel what is / that something is happening and knows how to alert you of ‘fleeting thoughts’.

Well, don’t have a lot to say actually. And always when I say that I really start…

I am happy that I quit. I think I do not really remember the destructive thoughts I used to have. It is only so now and then, like once every week or 2 weeks that I have this image of knives floating around me and cutting me up. That I guess is the darkest thought popping up. Well dark enough, I guess. By now I do not lean into it anymore but just realise that what I am thinking and feeling is destructive and that I have difficulty there. Funny that this is the first time in my life that I can actually really feel that I have this destructive thought. I have written about it before but it has never really occurred that this vision is sort of ‘out of place’. It somehow does not really seem to belong to me anymore. And yet it pops up. Hmmm… Maybe it does so to say goodbye.

A lot of feelings left me today. By the way; if you ever get to choose a blog name or a ‘secret identity’ don’t use something as common as ‘Feeling’. I get a fright every time somebody writes something like ‘This Feeling confuses me.’ or ‘That is a Feeling I suppress.’ What?! What?! What did I do now?! And writing this down I am afraid that somebody will use that against me and do it on purpose. Pfiew. 😦 The stories in our mind. Keep it to myself: Pffff… the stories in my mind. I want to let go. I think I want to try to live without all these stories that keep me from making healthy decisions, keep me from repairing, keep me from growing. Letting go is difficult for me even if it is negative. Just as it is to let go of eating chocolate. Somehow it does not sit with me very well anymore, even a few pieces fill me up more than I like. But there is this voice in me saying ‘What else is left?!’ I don’t know! Maybe I should have a little chat with that voice. Not now.

So, happy that I quit.

I want: pffff, dunno. Funny day today. So much changes inside with the tapping, I feel like if I would have done more I would have not recognised myself inside anymore. And I only did like 5 minutes or so.Β  I guess I want things to be easy. I want this filthy rich man I met in the store 2 days ago to give me a job on a project of his in which we work out how we can get some substantial changes in our country when it comes to balancing out work-life conflicts in our economy.

I need: dunno, need to find my balance again and start doing stuff and organise again and again and again. πŸ™‚

I take: chocolate but it does not process very well. Apart from the chocolate I am having one clean food meal a day just because I like it. The other might be muesli. And then I somehow need to balance all the health out and eat a bag of potato chips. πŸ˜€ Life…

I hope you have a nice day / evening / night!

xx, Feeling