11 Months

25th Of July, that makes it my 11th month into sobriety. Learned a lot.

Spend the day with friends. He’s got lung cancer and she’s taking care of him. We went to see the Ayurvedic doctor who kept my mom alive against all odds. Hope he can do something for my friend too. Their oldest daughter is 4 and they have a son of 2. They are so cute. I had to watch them for a while and I told them I did not to that very often so the might need to tell me how to. They were very helpful. πŸ™‚

‘You need to tell us what to do. And you also need to tell us what not to do.’ (Her language control is outstanding)
‘Ok. I can do that. And what if you do not want to do what I tell you?’
‘Then you just have to say it stricter.’
‘Ok. I can do that. And, just to be sure, what if I say it stricter and you still do not listen?’
‘Then you have to say it even stricter until we listen. That is what mom does.’

And that, is how it works. πŸ™‚

Doctor said I’m out of whack which causes all kinds of small medical issues and mild depression, and the other way around. Got some Ayurvedic plantbased pills. Need DISCIPLINE. Now that’s no surprise :-). But some little 4 year old told me how it is supposed to work so…. let’s see. I went to the store, bought everything I will not be having anymore in the upcoming month to feast on that. I even bought cookies. I never eat cookies. Feeling sick now. πŸ˜€ Don’t feel like writing.

I am happy that I quit, still because I would not feel like still having to do that or having to do that again.

I take: well…. cookies, chocolate, chips and I got some extra meat too because large portions of that will be restricted too.

I need: to have a serious look at discipline. I know if I overdo it I fall back. I know if I underdo it I get not enough results. Aaah, heck, I don’t know shit about discipline. I used to have it at age 18 – 20 ish: go to bed at 21:00, wake up at 5:00, do homework, go to school, do homework. The Friday was long with going out in the evening but I had this mother in law who would bang on the metal pipes of the central heating at 11ish on the Saturday and we would need to be working off our hangover in the big vegetable garden or do whatever she had laying around. Ghegheghe. Funny that we obeyed that. πŸ™‚ Sweet kids we were. I wish my shoulder was not hurting like hell so I could do some yoga to build up my spine psyhically and see if that works from the outside in.

I want: pffff, to puke? Ieew! Whoever thought that it is a good idea to eat cookies (5), chips (1/2 a bag) and chocolate (30 grams)? Ieeeuw! I want to sleep and not feel sick. Ghegheghe… this is a weird experiment.

3 Things: spending the day with friends and their kids. And… going home to my own quiet place afterwards πŸ™‚ and I guess 11 months. That’s long I guess. Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I did. The extremist in me thinks things like ‘no use in quitting if it is not forever’. πŸ˜€ But that was when I did not know how devious addiction really is. However, being convinced of myself did not hurt. Very happy that I read the Craig Nakken book on ‘Addictive personality’ – that thought me a lot.

I wish you a nice Sunday, hope you feel better than I do, ghegheghe. TIP of the day is: do not overeat in cookies, chips and chocolate together. I give myself 3 days to let go and then I’ll pfff, don’t know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is this part in me that STILL does not want to get serious about life. I’ve, since I was 15 or so, called it the part that has not incarnated properly yet, that does not want to really be here and take responsibility. Which is rather lazy than tired. Maybe we should have a chat. Not now, now is (way past) bedtime here.

xx, Feeling