Sober first – breaking up

The hug-buddy and I just ‘broke up’ – over Facebook chat of all possible ways to do so. Not sure if you can ‘break-up’ when there is a no-relation pact and not sure what just happened. I feel I got sucked into a drama which is not my play. I guess it is not my drama then but we are not hug-buddies anymore either. It feels like he is used to women coming after him and demanding stuff. I feel like he wants me to fall in love so he can walk away and I can come running after him. But that is not the way I play. Not sure if that is because I have been trying to be an adult for a few years now or because I am the queen bee? It is a sad drama.

That is a funny comparison because the queen in the beehive leaves and then the guy bees go after her. They mate. And oooh, then they get killed. 😀 Ok, not funny. Guess the theory on being adult does not hold. 😉

I should be going to bed. Tomorrow is Kingsday in the Netherlands: birthday of the king. It is a holiday and the whole of Amsterdam will get flooded with drunken tourists. There is also a marvellous flea market going on throughout the city. This starts at between 03:00 and 07:00 and people sell their rubbish / 2nd hand goods. Good. 🙂 At round about 12:00 ish the first drunk people fall over and that is normally a sign for me to go home. This time friends and I have planned to meet at the other side of the city from where I live. It is only a bike ride of 30 minutes, in the morning. Later tomorrow it will take more than an hour, possibly 1,5. Or I need to take all the back roads but exactly the roads I would normally use will be flooded. And I don’t like masses. I get very stressed out. I specifically dislike drunken masses and I have difficulty with the vibe of addiction which will be all over town from noon onwards.

I don’t feel all too stable. Not sure if going is a good idea. On the other hand, maybe I could use some company and not feel stupid for not going out. I have a new pair of jeans. so… 🙂

I do not know. I will take care of myself and go to bed now.

I am grateful that I do not drink anymore. Kingsday and New Years eve traditionally were my biggest drinking events. I feel, when in this mode, I should take extra care of me and going across town through a drunken mob is not my idea of self-care. On the other hand, fun is good too. And not going out is a way of me keeping me small. I do not fear I will drink, it is ‘just’ (?) that I turn unstable with strong emotions. This evening I went shopping for dinner and there were people raiding the stores for the last bottles and cans of beer, calling mates and asking in a stressed voice “What do I take home?! Brand X is sold out!” It takes me about 2 hours of solid Netflixing to get that out of my system. Not sure why I transfer addiction to soothe myself. Well, put it that way and I am sure. 🙂

I will not worry now, go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. 🙂

Wishing you a good sober night/day!

xx, Feeling

10 thoughts on “Sober first – breaking up

  1. Self care is definitely a balancing act, as is deciding whether to go to the events like this that can be so fun, but can also be a trigger. Sorry to hear about your breakup. Gotta love modern technology. Hope you get out and show off those new pair of jeans!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Perhaps the jeans will get another opportunity for a debut! Cannot blame you for staying home, I too dislike drunken crowds. I’m okay for short periods but must be able to extract myself. Case in point, my vacation in Las Vegas last year, we stayed downtown in a hotel on the Fremont Street Experience (look it up if you’re not familiar) it’s an insane party-drunkfest from dusk til about 1am when at least the bands stop playing. People were wasted and weaving by about 10pm and honestly I just felt sorry for them, ruining their vacations in the drunk/hangover loop. It would be nice if there were holiday activities not centered around alcohol, but rather something deeply meaningful like TACOS. Or possibly chocolate. And coffee. I’ll show up for that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe…. deeply meaningful Tacos. Yup. I’m in!!!
      If you don’t mind me asking, and I’m not sure if I cand do so without letting out a hint of surprise but, nah, not gonna work, here it is straight: why do you go to Las Vegas if you do not like drunken crowds? I have seen more people in the soberblogosphere go and … oooh, as we say “I hold on to my heart” when I read it. Hmmm, realising now that people might think the same of Amsterdam…. Hmmm…
      xx, Feeling


      • Because just like in Amsterdam, there is soooo much more than booze in Las Vegas. It’s a neat place and plenty to do sober. It’s the spectacle that I enjoy, everything’s big and sparkly! And the weather is dry and warm, unlike where I live. So I’m in for shopping, food, spa treatments and sun.
        Mmmmm tacos.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Nice to find and follow you here on WP. I do find it easier to manage, don’t you?

    As for the breakup, I definitely think it’s normal to feel some instability in a time like that. I’m glad you reached out and said it and I hope you find some support and acceptance that stabilizes things. I feel like I’m in constant need of balancing out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m ok-ish now. We were heading for nowhere anyway with him being married and more than 15 years younger, aah, well, it is over.
      Can you tell what you mean by ‘constant need of balancing out’? Funny thing is, I have been thinking about that lately and I find I spend a LOT of time on the act of balancing out. Specifically in comparison with friends who do not. And then I find they are often ill, where as I am not physically ill. It is complicated – these character structure which is looking for extremes and then trying to balance.
      xx, Feeling


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