I have found peace in informing some friends and family that things are not going well and that I can not do things on my own. “Only as sick as your secrets” does not only apply to drinking – I feel freed now of a burden I did not really know I carried. Trying to ‘keep up appearances’ – I have been doing that so long that I do not even recall not feeling like I had to lie about what was going on.
There are a few thoughts / habits of thinking stuck in my head and the idea that asking for help means that I am helpless, have no control, am handed over to the mercy of whomever is one of them. This has been so in my youth and has stuck with me. Nah, don’t want to go there.
Today a friend came over and we did this exercise of ‘hey, I can make a modern art painting’ (NOT! ;-)). It was real good fun, trying to empty our heads, trying to detach from the outcome. Noticing that this was not possible and noticing all the stupid thoughts and feelings we have over putting paint on a piece of paper. 🙂 Good fun. Lousy results. 🙂 Loving it.
Well, the friend who visited is one of the women who helped my through my darkest period before I quit drinking. Just by being there with other friends on a weekly base and going out for diner. We would have so much joy to be together that it carried me through the week. Over the years we have become closer and today I opened up about ‘not being able to do this on my own anymore’. And as the others had said before her: “Thank god that you are finally giving in.”
We spoke about how I feel SO MUCH better now I spoke out. And how the force of denial kept me away from my core / my truth. And the energy that this denial costs. Not living in my core, not finding my feeting because of that. It is amazing. And I am grateful (well, in a bit of a sour way, true ;-)) that I can now, consciously and sober realise how this works. How much pressure denial puts on a person, how much energy it takes. It is amazing. I feel like I am rediscovering living.
Not sure how the practical side is going to work out. Need to speak with some people I guess and from there a plan will be drawn but actually – and I see some patterns here…. – I think I can do it from here myself. Bwaaahahahaa….. eh… yeah. Pattern? Like signing up for detox and counselling and then doing it by myself. 😀
So…. the challenge now is to not go into the idea that I am handed over like a lamb to the slaughter so that I do not have to run for my life in order to get out. And also, not to go into the help that ends up getting me hooked up to pills. Funny how fear for things is building up inside at the same time relaxation comes in from the other side.
There is something funny going on: yesterday and today I have not felt so at ease with myself since, say I was 14 years old (pre drinking) and on the other hand there is this fear of getting stuck in a system building. Like I am maintaining the balance of misery. That would be food for thought. I feel it is a tendency. An unlucky one. Because it will never get me to relax.
Aaah, hanging on to misery is familiar. It gives me structure. Humpf. 😦 Maybe I should have more faith.
Maybe, one of these days I could read through my blogs and note down all the things I have noticed in these lasts years. These energetic tendencies. Would be a great plan. Hahaha, would I dare to? 🙂 Would you dare to do that with your own blog / diary?
I am HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!!! 🙂 And a woman who loves herself would be in bed by now.
Wishing you a good sober day/night.