2 Posts ago I wrote about me feeling like I am on a boat in a sea of nothingness when it comes to thinking about new work.Thing is, the whole picture is not about the boat, it is about not being in touch, in contact with what is going on in the water.
Today somebody rocked the boat. I had to present myself at the social security office. By phone I had replied that I want to waive the right to unemployment benefits because I feel in no shape to apply for a job or work yet. And with the right to unemployment benefit comes the duty to apply for jobs. Which I totally agree with. The guy said “Well, why don’t you come by anyhow and we can work out together how we can get you to the point where you can apply for jobs again.” Which I thought sounded reasonable, so I went. Also because this strange nothingness might feel ok, I do know it IS a strange place to be.
Guy asks one question and I start crying. Ok….. eh….. maybe I am in a deeper shit than I thought. We spoke for an hour. He strongly urged me to call in sick and get myself sorted out from there. Rocking my boat.
I realised: the water seems calm, that is how I would like to perceive it, how I trained myself to ignore stuff. The monsters are below the water and I do no want to go under.
“Obviously I am no doctor but seeing and hearing what you are dealing with I would strongly advise you to take sick leave and let us help you. If work situations like these repeat themselves they have a tendency to eat in on people and what I hear from you that has already happened. It is my experience that if you do not sort this out now, you might get another job now but I have been in this position for 15 years now and you have some stuff to sort out. You can delay that but in that case it is very likely that we will see each other back within 2 years and then you will be worst off. ”
“I don’t know. I just think if I get a job now it will disappear into the background and all will be ok.”
“What would be your reason not to accept our help, there are literally millions of euro’s in the budget to help people and you certainly do not look like you doing ok.”
“I would drown. If I were to do that I would have the idea I am not in control of my life anymore.”
“Aah, would you happen to be an idealist and a perfectionist too? These traits go together. First people to burn up in this society.”
“Eh, ghegheghe…. is it that obvious? And yes, I know about the connection.”
So there we have it. The boat. The calm see. The monsters are under the water and I have kept them there because that is what I do. Will I let somebody tip the boat or will I continue to ‘be in control’. I am afraid I will drown. But I am very much longing to let go. Not sure what I would be letting go of exactly though.
I am at a crossroad.
I am happy that I quit. A woman who loves herself would hmm, jump of the building. That can not be the correct answer. Ha, time to take some serious self-care. I keep on thinking “Just get to work and all will be ok.” but that very much sounds like “Just drink and all will be ok.” At least, this is how I use it. And MAYBE that is true. I do not know. I have to choose now. Or maybe not. Pffff….. sigh.
Wishing you a nice sober day. And yes, know that I am in an absolute luxurious position to live in a country where they actually can and possibly will solve personal issues with the help of government money.
I am happy that I quit but fearing the worst is yet to come.