3 years 6 months – feeling I am enough

NEW! Well, not really new, more than a week old I think, but NEW is the feeling of being enough. Looking inside and not shrinking away for my own gaze. Meeting people and being able to accept that they like me, appreciate me. I do not have to shrink away internally anymore thinking up all kinds of reasons why I have no right to live, be present. But it does take practice because something in my energy might have changed, but my mind is still used to running the same destructive path of imagined and thought up unworthiness. So, practise, practise, practise.

And. NEW! Not only me, but the rest of the world seems to need to get used to these new boundaries too. It is funny. Normally I would say, walk around in this world and in the digital world and from this idea of not being enough myself, pre-emptively ‘attack’ or in a negative way interact with other people. Now I am ok with me, and suddenly I get all kinds of people shouting at me. Eh..?? Da fack?! And really out of the blue there are persons all over my case. Today, this person in a private FB group for sharing experiences, she writes 3 pages to semi-scientifically prove me wrong over a casual comment which started with ‘It is no science but this is how I experienced it.’ Eh…. well, she could have been me – I have done that. So I am guessing I am receiving what you call ‘een koekje van eigen deeg’ – ‘a cooky from your own dough’. It is, weird. Me thinks this new boundary is going to take some getting used to. 🙂 Ghegheghe…

Today, 25th of February is my 3,5 years non drinking anniversary. That is good. With the newly found idea of me being enough I think there is a big step made. No idea what I need to do with the rest of my life workwise but that will work itself out at some point.

What keeps me going? Not sure. The realisation that every problem will get worse with alcohol is a good one for me. I think in comparison to others I think I have a highly trained dislike for alcohol. Possibly because it connects well with my rebellious thinking: this society itself as a whole is addicted and alcohol is one of its most used substances. From kids onwards we have been subconsciously and sometimes even consciously trained by our environment to think that drinking alcohol brings us something. That is not true. Some people say that is true for the first 2 drinks. Sometimes I agree, currently I am thinking: if a person is not brainwashed about alcohol they would spit out the first sip of it. That is the natural child reaction to alcohol.

I quit and then I did the online alcohol desensitization training which, well, can’t go back and undo it, but I think it was very good.

Another strong point I think is that I did it my way. I would NEVER advise this to anybody else because it is exactly the addict thing to do; diss the caretakers and think you can do it on your own. For me it worked. I am not a group person. I would be overwhelmed and as a former entrepreneur I have a very strong sense of building something from the ground up by myself. I guess that helped me.

Blogging also helped me. For various reasons, to read other peoples experiences, to realise that I was not the only one, to get support (THANK YOU ALL!!!! ❤ ❤ <3), to get things of my chest, to work through difficult issues while writing. And also to log stuff because at some point I think I might want to read it back. Sometimes I do. I find it pretty hard to read some passages, specifically the raw passages. Ha, stop, not going to hide in the darkness anymore. There is no reason to be dark now so no reason to feel dark.

Reading books about addiction helps. And about the several subjects that come hurling at you (moi!) when suddenly sober. The several free online summits on addiction or love or yoga or tapping work miracles too. It made also made me realise I am not the only one. And even though I realise that I am still isolated a lot, I also know by now that I can not change overnight. And I have learned to respect my boundaries better; if being with people does not feel good, it does not feel good. That seems to be how I ‘tick’ – crossing my own boundaries fires back at me immediately. So, well… It is what it is. Baby steps and living life on life’s terms. 😉

There are also a lot of things I have not done yet. That bothers me. Sometimes, a lot of times I feel ashamed about that. My practise since a week is not to delve deep into that shame but stop it from eating in on me and saying: you can change things if you want. You just need to start. And then I think of my February challenge where I chuck out as many items out of the house  stuff as the calendar has days. Today that is 25 things. I have been doing this ok till now. It feels silly but I am proud of myself for this.

I think that I am not sober yet, I am still in the face of un-addicting. It actually hurts to say this but I think it is true. But I also do not know if I could have been on a different path, a Feeling-wise sustainable path, if I had done it differently. A lot of help from outside people pushes me in a direction or… I take it upon myself to push me in a direction just to ‘be a good girl’. Hmm, that actually sounds like co-dependency a lot. Well, that is a subject I need to look into as well. No moaning. Baby steps. One day at the time. I am guessing this paragraph is about my fear for help: being pushed into something and agreeing because I think that is the good thing. Funny that this comes up AFTER I realise that I have the right to exist. I think it is related. This is all so NEW! 🙂

Suddenly I am afraid that it is all not so, not true, they will come and take it away. And everybody will think I am stupid and nobody will care for me. Aah, pattern. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax. It really is amazing which memories, long, long hidden pop up now. This hurts badly but I guess they need to come out and be seen. My physical heart actually hurts. I am happy that I have learned to hold space for me. 🙂 Grieving is ok, moaning is no use.

What I lost over the years is stamina. That I do not have back yet. It is like it is all invested in not drinking. Like I have become lazy ‘because I did such a big thing’. Ok, not go into moaning mode. I can work on that. I can look into this. I have learned a lot of things, maybe I can learn this too. No need to sob.

That is the NEW Feeling speaking to Feeling during the day. :-). I do this like 20 times a day whenever I feel my heart retracting from the world or my mood sinking.

Different homeopathic medicine, Schuessler medicine, vitamins, Bach remedies helped me a lot too. Even if it were to ‘not feel I had to do it all by myself’. It is pretty lonely sometimes to be alone. But on the other hand, I hope this does not offend you, but sometimes when I read people who write about their (ex) partner I think: I would not be able to be sober AND have a partner like that. Specifically when the partner keeps on drinking. So with that, for me, I am lucky. And my cat likes me better when I do not drink. She actually gets a fright when she is on my lap and I put a drop of some remedy in my water. Bach remedies are cured in alcohol. It only takes one drop to a glass or a bottle of water but that does smell like alcohol. To me it is not a problem because in my head they are categorised as medicine. While I do not eat a sauce or soup where the alcohol is boiled out because I used to eat that ‘because’ of the booze and that puts me back in addictive behaviour. But I can imagine there are people who do this the other way around: no Bach remedies because 1 drop of alcohol = 1 drop of alcohol but do eat the sauce and the soup because (officially) that has no alcohol. If done ‘wrong’ it actually still has 40% if it by the way. I do not want it for the memory and I do not want it for the risk of my body and mind panicking over ingesting alcohol.

While working I did clean my hand with alcohol because of the company requirements. Smells yuck. I wonder whether there is an uptake of that. It dries in 20 seconds but I wave my hands to have it dried before I come to the next door or something I need to touch.

Work, now there is a thing. The more I un-addict, the more I realise we are on the wrong path with this whole world and it is now or never. I do not know how to contribute without working for a company that causes damage. I did my studies in one of the most unenvironmentally sound businesses in this world, then I changed into a consumer business which was even worse. And now? My last 2 jobs have been in companies which try to make a difference. Aah, I guess it will come to me. I hope before the money fails. 🙂

Ok, again, it is time for bed. It is way past time for bed. I hope you are having a good (sober) day. 🙂

I am happy that I once made the decision to quit drinking and that I have stuck with that!

xx, Feeling

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1 thought on “3 years 6 months – feeling I am enough

  1. There is nothing wrong with being alone a lot. After a while, one will enjoy it. I understand about the world being on the wrong path. There is hardly any morality left, it is all about money. I watched two videos today about the food industry, surprised I was even able to eat tonight. Actually had to google everything I put in my mouth to see if it was deemed safe. Sad.

    Like

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