Just to inform you and write this down for future references. Ever since the energetic healing which I wrote about in the last post, I have been practicing to bend dark thoughts. Coooooool!
It is sort of like not drinking: thought comes up, and I block and erase. Also I do not mingle in Facebook posts anymore and reduce whatever news I read. Sometimes it feels unreal and plastic fantastic. But then again: worrying is using your imagination to create situations you don’t want. So why not do other things with that energy?
Outside the house I focus on what is flowering – but that is difficult because the current flowers remind me of global warming :-(. Not sure how to not be sad about that yet. Tips are welcome.
I started painting again. I actually bought some ‘good’-er brushes at the dollar store. Just to see if I could do a little better than before. Ghegheghe…. well…. guessing there is an ego challenge. 😉 I do enjoy the painting; just colour, nothing else. Brings peace, like building sand castles; no objectives, no worries, no rules, (no knowledge which can block me) nobody looking over my shoulder, no targets, just creating. But only AFTER I did the more necessary uncluttering challenge.
I have been cleaning out rubbish from my house, as many items as the calendar counts days in February. Tomorrow I need to do 23, that is going to be difficult. I have now hit those drawers and cabinets of stuff I do not want to look at or throw away. And the numbers of things to go out keep on moving up. Still need to do 153 this month. Whoah!
I have been a doing crafts all my life and part of my life this has been my profession as well. So my house is STUFFED top to bottom (that is a weird saying?) with materials and some UFO’s (unfinished objects). Sort of like my life. 🙂 And I am intrigued with the energy projected into the future of so-called ‘possible beautiful objects I can make’. Also very much like my life. It is amazing. I store the lousiest bits of materials. I try not to move into blaming myself for this, or being ashamed. Actually, I guess I like the possibilities better than the actual thing, the actual making. Also very much like my life. 🙂 This is one of the things I hope to change one day. It takes stamina and organisation I do not have now. Not sure I ever will. I used to spell DISCIPLINE in capitals. That was before the booze kicked in. Guess that might have been a control issue too.
I fear it is a bad karma thing, if I do not deal with this getting lost in possibilities I will end up in a life again with more possibilities than results. Hmmm, here I go worrying again. Practising compassion with this critical child in me. Funny how to love myself when myself tells me that hating me is better. No wonder good intentions of other people hardly ever ‘stuck’ to me; I did not myself feel worth and worthy. Now I do. That is good. I am going to ask how the energy healers did that. It is marvellous. 🙂
Some people might wonder why I am not looking for a job after 2 months of unemployment. Well.. I am not there yet. Don’t know what and where. I am standing in this nowhere land and there is nothing to be seen. No, more like my little boat is out on the sea and there is no wind, no horizon, some clouds, nothing to worry about but neither enough to bring a change in weather either. It is not uncomfortable, but strange. I try to think of work but within me there is nothing that either moves forward or backward or has the slightest interest in anything work.
Well, guess I can only move when there is stress. :-(. Not enjoying that image. I would really think that almost 3,5 years of sobriety (minus 3 days) would help me to plan ahead a little. But NO! I guess that is only happening when you focus more on working any kind of program than I do. I do not do a program, my plan is to let things play out and keep track of what is happening. Things being ‘the addictive personality’ and its traits. I am pretty aware that a lot of my character and behaviour was formed while intoxicated. A lot of that will sort of automatically disappear with not drinking. And then things will pop up, and they do, and I’ll try to fix these untill a bigger pattern is visible. I guess the bigger pattern is that I did not feel I had the right to exist. My whole connection with me and the outside world is/was based on that.
Today I can say: I am enough.
And also: I need to practise more on me worrying less. 🙂
I am happy I like myself. I hope you are having a nice day in which you like yourself.
Afterthougth: I continued sitting on my boat, trying to feel if there was anything that could happen. A little bird landed on the boat. I love it. I want to be with it, I want it to be with me. Everything is ok now we are together. And all of a sudden I stress out, everything becomes dark inside and I become very sad because I ‘know it will die as everything and everybody does’. Amazing vanishing twin pattern even present in my daydreams.
Today I can live through this daydream and realise how it was for me in the womb, how this shaped me and I am not lost. I can see it, I can feel the pain and when I cry it gets less and not more. And that is a difference. My heart is responsive again. That is good. 🙂