The issue of issues

My fight with sugar has brought me to what I feel is the main issue of my addictive personality; self-hatred. I feel so awful that I have difficulty leaving the house because I feel everybody has the right to hurt me. This is comparable to the mode I walked around when experiencing what I call my rock-bottom before quitting drinking.

A lot of my behaviour is comparable too. Not opening my mail, not taking care of stuff, not taking care of myself. Hiding for other people. Cancelling appointments with friends over a ‘headache’. The headache is real all right… I just wonder why it leaves immediately after I cancel the appointment. :-/ No actually, I do not wonder.

I think that I, even though I have 3 years plus of sobriety, have not made certain steps. Haha, no pun intended but actually, this is what it comes down to: I have not worked through issues which would have been addressed if I had done some sort of program. I think to know by now that I would not have succeeded in staying sober if I would have had to deal with others including mentoring. So in a way that is good. But now I feel I need to do more. It is time to do more.

On the interwebs I read somebody protesting against the idea of being powerless towards alcohol. I have always very much disliked this notion and in a rather slippery way transformed this thought to ‘I am powerless when alcohol is in my body, I am not powerless over it getting into my body’. Which is very much true. It also is a way for me to exactly NOT realise that I have experienced powerlessness in my life and I do not want to be reminded of that again. People who push the issue of powerlessness therefore are immediately archenemies. Because that is what any person did who violated my boundaries; make me feel powerless on purpose. So 12 steps was never considered.

Not sure how to bridge to the following paragraph but I have written illogical stories before so here I go. πŸ˜‰ Today I FINALLY tried an excercise called ‘feeding your demons‘. The title might be a little misleading, it is about feeding and, well, hugging lost parts of the self which have turned against what we consider to be our daily self. Aah, here is the link: I felt so powerless that I stood with the back to the wall and could not do anything else but face the facts.

It is difficult. I do not want to accept I hate myself. I prefer to deny it so I can experience it less. But the shadow walking next to me has become too strong. Even now my heart is pounding like crazy and tears are streaming. Thinking of you reading this. Feeling like you would all be saying: “I knew she was not worth it. Being all stuck up and know it all, ha! Now look at how miserable she really is.”

No, I do not expect you to really say that. Or if you do, you do. These are ‘just’ projections of mine. It tells me how I think and feel about myself. I had a short talk with that part today. Here is how it went.

“I hate you! I HATE YOU!!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME!!! My whole life! Ever since you were born I hate you. You are exactly what makes my life unbearable. You are so unfinished, so incomplete, so utterly boundaryless, so disgustingly physical that NOBODY LOVES YOU! And because of you they do not like me either!!! I HATE YOU!! You are one big open wound, everybody sees that you are strange and everything can touch you and hurt you and I have to live with that! It is all your fault!”

“I am listening.” (and crying, can’t breathe, throwing up)

“You think everybody has hurt you but it is because you are so stupid!!! You do not listen to yourself!!! You always knew when the trouble came and you never listened. It is your own fault!!! You hurt me!!!”

“I had no clue….”

“That is NOT TRUE!!!”

“I, I don’t know what to say, I always knew. But I did not know how to act. I was scared. I thought that if I stood up for myself they would hurt me more. I knew that if I would run they would like that.”

“But you knew up front. And you were curious.”

“I was in love.”

“You mixed up love with power. You fancied the darkness of them, that is what attracted you.”

“Yes. And then I got caught up in a destructive game which I did not know how to end or escape.”

“I warned you over and over again.”

“I heard you. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it was this dark.”

“You are stupid. You just emit sex because that is who you are and everybody knows that. They see it, they feel it. That is why you got harassed 5 times on an evening. That is why the women at your workplaces were after you. They pick up on that. And because you do not recognise it they will make you.”

“What can I do to change this?”

“Close yourself off for fuck’s sake and shut up!!”

And then the ‘other me’ let me feel my lack of energetic boundaries to the outside world and it is painful. Somehow my control issue popped up, the part where I intervene in other people’s life no matter if something is my issue, no matter if it is relevant. Tried to feel through that. It is difficult. I realise that I do so to control my surroundings. Again experiencing that I put myself out of my core, continuously scanning my borders for dangers. While if I were to stay ‘inside’ myself, I would feel way more grounded and most likely would not have to be so aggressive and intervening towards others.

I did not get further than this. The idea behind feeding your demons is that you get to talk with them and then come to integrate them. Obviously that did not happen but I now know better what parts of me dislike about parts of me. 😦 I am still fighting the idea that I myself am responsible for what happened to me. Not sure if I should go along with this thought; if it were somebody else saying this I would answer that it is blaming the victim. On the other hand, I should not deny the fact that I often knew upfront things would go wrong. I ‘just’ got so sucked into it and did not know how to refers it. It is like a black hole. Aaah, like being born; nowhere to go but into that painful tunnel of life and death.

Like the time my brother and I got threatened to be killed by a guy with a knife. I was 4 or 5 I believe. I knew from a distance which felt like 500m (550 yard) that these older kids were trouble. I just did not know how to stop it. Sucked into a black hole. And my brother would not believe me anyhow. Looking back the distance must have been no more than 200 m (220 yards) because the park was not that big, but still. These vibes. I was like a rabbit looking in the headlights of the oncoming car. Does anybody with situations of abuse/aggression in their past recognise this?

I wonder why the word ‘just’ pops up so often… there is something about this, I have written something about it somewhere, it is important. It might be because it is dismissive, or in speech I try to jump over something by using the word ‘just’. I can not understand it now.

Things are sore at this end of the wire. My whole body feels like an open wound. But somehow some of the weight is off my shoulders. Funny.Β  I would not have thought that. Parts of the first paragraph of my conversation with the demon are gathered from things my mother expressed to me. She did so publicly. My father then dragged him away and she scratched his face open. All my fault. :-/ She blamed me for developing cancer. I must have been 13 or 14, possibly 15. My heart hurts. Years later, when I threw that back at here in the same company as earlier she denied everything fiercely while my brother and father backed me up. She totally panicked. I remember we had all been drinking, not sure if that is true. It has been true for a lot of bad family gatherings though.

And now, here I am, partially feeling sorry for myself, partially happy because I faced this part of me, let some air in even though I realise things are still festering. Not knowing how to continue. Well, ha, I do know how to close myself off actually. Or I know I can learn because I know I can get to the feeling where I prefer to live in this openness. I ‘just’ don’t want to. I feel locked up. Trapped. It makes me realise I am alive. I don’t want to be alive. When I am alive I need to be responsible and I can get hurt and criticised. Shit I’m lazy…. This eternal heaven of being in the womb calls to me.

Ok next thought: I try to perfect my work mode so I do not have to work on me internally. I ‘just’ (?) forced myself to live with the idea of working on this difficult part of closing myself energetically and guess what: “If you want to do that, that is ok, but then we move to a place where this is possible.” Meaning a natural place in a natural society with… nature, not a crowded city which only develops neurosesΒ  and unhealthy coping mechanisms in people. Interesting. Funny what comes up when I listen. Not sure how to change this in my life though. :-/

Well, that was quite an experience.

The business plan contest people do not pick up the phone (called about 8 times) and do not answer my e-mails. According to the online program the first group of possible winners has already started a boot camp so I guess… I’m not in. Shame. Possibly. I have not been working on my project or anything these days. I have been crushed by self-hatred. The issue of issues. 😦

I am happy that I quit drinking in a very dark way. I would not have lived anymore. Not sure if that is such a loss but imagine if I had been drinking and felt so bad there would be no way out at all. Currently I also think there is not much difference between being death and alive. I fear that dying just (?) means I have to do the same stuff somewhere else, but without the body.Β  Aah, bother. And now, no matter how hard it is, I could possibly find a ‘way out’. πŸ™‚ Said the addict. Always, always looking for the way out. πŸ™‚

It is time for progress because this trampling in the dark is making my heart wear out.

I hope you are happy that you quit. πŸ™‚Β  A woman who loves herself would possibly show compassion. I also think she would help the little kid to learn boundaries and self-preservation. My mother did not allow me boundaries when it came to self preservation. Literally not. That time where she said she would protect me from the friends of my brother and then forced me to undress in front of them. And later, when I asked her for help when they attacked me again, with the special words we had worked out between the two of us, she brushed me off, telling me not to bother her. How do I live with that? I feel very destructive currently. No wonder I think people ridicule me when I ask for help. That has been the real experience. And it has all settled as patterns in my behaviour. And, like my mom, I learned to take the only way left out: becoming ill, becoming soft, weak, depressed, overworked and alcoholic. Patterns.

Ha, this is a very uplifting post, not? Ghegheghe…. sigh…. so….. who am I without my story? Without all the patterns I looked for, accepted or got put on me? This immense need for drama, the eternal continuation of fight-flight-freeze patterns in my life. Can I do without? I’m guessing they give me an idea of boundaries. The fog around the black hole. Which, in practise is not possible but, well, as an image it suffices.

Ok: I actually do think that patterns and the related e-motions (that what sets me in motion) have been uncovered. And no matter how dark this post, actually, within that darkness I feel more free and more safe because I do not need to live in denial about my self hate anymore. I do not have to use all this force to ‘not know’. Not sure how to continue but I guess thing will enfold. Let go and let god. πŸ™‚ And work on what I can do. Like meditating. I have been doing so for 20 plus minutes every morning for 1,5 months now. Guess all this darkness turning to light stems from that.

There ar loads of things I can do. Trying to empower myself here, never works somehow πŸ˜€ Aah ja, again, I can only do stuff with my back to the wall. Well, rock-bottom is a solid ground to build on and I guess I will choose this way of learning untill the pain of doing it so gets greater than the assumed advantages. I still can not force me to do stuff. Will power = zilch. Aaah yeah, I can try the ‘what would a woman who loves herself do?’ track more often. Things went well for me when I did that.

Ok! If you got this far: thanks for reading and being with me in my dark hours. If you skipped to the last paragraph: I understand. :-D.

A woman who loves herself would allow herself to love herself.

“I am sorry I hate you.”
“I am sorry I did not take better care of you.”

xx, Feeling & shadow

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19 thoughts on “The issue of issues

  1. I like your transformed thought on powerless.

    Although I love a good 12 step meeting. The #1 reason I go is to create clean and sober relationships because until 2018 I didn’t have very many.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just want to say…I did get this far. I got all the way through your post! My heart aches for you right now. You are so amazing, always so inspiring. I know that I am not the only one to feel this way. I want to read this 5 times more and respond again. Thank you for opening yourself up. You sell yourself soo soo short. Know that you are reaching more than those “selves” in your dialogue above. Continued hugs! HD

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you HD, when I wrote this I was totally consumed by what was going on inside. I had not, until the end, thought of ‘the outside world’. Reading your reply now is humbling and good. And it can finally reach my heart. Which is NEW. πŸ™‚ Crying here. Thank you for your kind words.
      xx, Feeling

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  3. Wow! Like others I’m going have to read this whole thing over and over. There is a lot going on. One of the most important things I learned in my sobriety is “to believe”. I think after listening to Josh Groban’s song, that got stuck in my head, “Believe in what you feel inside, And give your dreams the wings to fly, You have everything you need, If you just believe.” I thought I read something about using positive reinforcements like “I Love Myself”. My counselor in early sobriety suggested it and I did it for a month with a posted note on my mirror. Once I began believing it, other doors opened. Even my Sponsor at the time made mention, “Mike something has changed, what is it?” His response was, “If it works for you, great!” So those were my experiences in changing who I was to become who I am. Take a piece and work on it day after day. What you wrote is a great starting point. If I have just missed the whole point of your post, let me know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anne, I have just started to read the book the third time. This is after I watched the vid from Teal Swan on self-hate about which I posted yesterday. Now I understand the mechanics I can make another start in the book. πŸ™‚ Damn difficult reading it is. Every sentence hits a soft spot, connect to something. πŸ™‚ Which is good, a good book changes stuff at cell level. πŸ™‚ So many things becoming clear, so many things which need to be let go off. Beautiful! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE BOOK ADVICE!!!! ❀ ❀ ❀
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: an honest glimpse of self-hatred | club east: indianapolis

  5. Everyone faces these types of battles whether they admit it or not. Conversations with ourselves can at times give us the answers to our problems or they can cause more problems. Someone told me once to grab a mirror and talk to myself. HA!! I didn’t like the way my face moved when I spoke, one eye is smaller than the other, and ears are just….well, weird. I was doing all this nonsense because I wanted to become better at speaking in front of people. So far, this has not happened. I congratulate you on quitting alcohol, that is something to be super-duper proud of. Have you ever tried painting? It sometimes easier for me to paint when feelings are intense. That’s when the best work happens. πŸ™‚

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  6. What a tremendous piece of honest literature!

    Thank you for sharing yourself with me. With this new found honesty I am certain you will recover from all the damage that has occurred in your life so far. I remember being advised that to grow self–esteem I must do esteemable things.

    This writing is esteemable, and making sober friends is esteemable and helping others by relating your story to them is esteemable.

    You are on your way to a life of unlimited positive experiences if you ‘just’ keep moving in the direction of health and not harm. (one day at a time!)

    love alwaz
    mike

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think of the voice that tells you you are not good enough as the ego. It’s the same voice that tells you that a drink is no big deal. The ego lies, and ultimately, it is an imaginary voice. It isn’t you. You are so much more than an imaginary mean girl. ; ) I’ve read that if you imagine that voice as some slimy little character (I use Gollum) that just wants attention, you disempower it. I love what you did — you let the little character have his say, and now you can move beyond it by realizing it’s just a little gremlin that is threatened and thinks it protecting itself by lashing out. Then the voice has no power over the real you. The real you is beyond worthy and divinely lovely. No little gremlin can change that. ; )
    Since we’re going with books here, I would recommend A Return to Love. Thank you for your bravery and honesty.

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  8. Feeling, I am here and see the powerful human being you are. From an outsider’s perspective, it looks as though the adults in your life (who should have cared and nurtured you) were the ones to steal your power. Or, if they gave it to you momentarily, then they broke the rules of trust and love and broke you again and again. The fact that you are here and fighting to be the best person you can be is amazing. They Haven’t broken you. Not at the core. ….. As for thinking about others and their problems, I wonder if it is sometimes easier to take care of others. Than ourselves? Just another sign of your Love and Heart. Not a negative in the slightest. …… Lastly, about your sexuality and being overt – looking at your experiences, it may have been one of your few moments of ‘power?’ Said with quotations here because it was so horribly used against you. ….. Have you considered talking with someone/a therapist again? There is a lot in here that is being raked up, which you might feel better supported if you find someone to work through all of this. And if you already have, which I think you might have, sometimes we need to step through the work more than once – or even continually – to keep our heads above water. ….. Last thing, yes! To the word ‘just.’ I was thinking this morning about posting about it, as I think it’s become a subtle way to apologize or undermine ourselves, or to appear less assertive/strong/powerful, especially in the presence of men. Argh. …… Sending all my love, Feeling.* -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you HM <3. Yes to all, and yes, I should be speaking with a therapist. Hoping the social security people can hook me up with somebody to address these points with. FINALLY. Funny in a not funny way how it takes 25 years of on and off therapy to finally come to these points.
      By the way, I am reading a book now 'There is nothing wrong with you' by Cheri Huber. She explains the mechanics of how children can turn to self-hate and destructive behaviour. Very informative. It am in a dark place often but the light that shines through is bright.
      Thank you for saying that I am not broken at the core. 3,5 years into sobriety and I might actually start to believe that. πŸ™‚ Thank you. ❀ Looking forward to a new post of you. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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