2018 is going to be great!

Heya,

Hope you had a good, healthy, joyful start of the year 2018. I did! I quit eating chocolate about 7 days ago, slipped once but wow, I am feeling sooo much better.  I’m BACK! Did and did not know that it had such an influence on me. Gone is the tiredness, gone is the feeling of mweh, gone is the thinking and not doing. Yay!

And this is possibly, in all honesty, also caused by some sexy non-sex with the ex-colleague . And, to that, we have decided not to take it further because of his marital status. He is divorcing her, has been living apart for 3 years now, in separate countries… so… but…. I don’t want to go there. Also, he’s 16 years younger so I keep on getting the feeling that at some point there is no future anymore. And I’m already falling in love with this sweet and dark guy as we go along so – quit before it is too late.

Having another guy sort of sweet talking himself almost into my pants is was sort of complementary – apart from the fact that he too is married. This rascal almost put me back on my old rascal tracks and it was difficult to keep the floozy within in check but hey, I did it. Hurray for not drinking! 🙂 So much better for other people’s marriages…

So, they go, or do not go back to their respective families and I am here with no work and most possibly no benefits either because I am still listed at the Chamber of Commerce as a company. Which is funny because I have paid for the benefits insurance over the last years and I am not active as a company anymore.

However, I felt the energy sucking motion of the online bureaucracy and thought to myself: this is not the path I want to walk. I need to do what I think is right. During a meditation a project which has been in my mind sprung forward and I’m following up on that now. As a self-employed person that would be. I set myself a deadline for the end of january; the main players in my project need to be on board otherwise there is not enough time to arrange all of it. The project is actually about addiction. But a more commercial version of it. Yup, commerce… does that clash with sobriety in your ears/eyes? Not in mine so far since my AF drinks are way more expensive than the beer I used to buy so….. And, with that: the wholesale price must be lower so I’m guessing shops can/could make more money on it. If the turn-over is high.

Whatever, I’m gonna try. And I’m finding that with moving into the world with this I have to deal with my shame. Working on that. :-). Having a hug-buddy who does not drink either helps. Funny how this ‘confirmation of the sober me within an intimate setting’ actually helps.

I also have to deal with stupid people with aggression against the idea of going alcohol free. I’m trying that online currently where I comment on Facebook posts which are either about being sober or drinking. Have any of you done that? I find it quite difficult not to end up in flames. 🙂 But as this is a trial for my project I have turned it into a learning experience. I realise I was the same. I realise that the person who is shouting out and trying to ridicule and shame me over nothing but a suggestion or some data still lives in the fable of Lalaland. He is as I was. I need to learn to deal because if my project works I will be speaking with a lot of people about addiction for a full year and haha, that could .. challenge me. 🙂

NEW: with being less tired, more aware, gone chocolateless (not sugerless totally, substituting with mandarins and pineapple currently, they come out of my ears). I can focus on progressing again. Ever since I got deeply into the chocolate the progress seemed to stop and depression and moaning introduced themselves. Currently on my mind is sticking to the subject when working on the project. Setting goals within the day and then seeing how I lalalalalaaaalalala step away from them. I’m using my egg-timer again. Every time it rings I need to check if I’m sticking to the task. 😀 It might sound funny but this is a very helpful tool.

In line of these ‘stick to the subject’ I am actually starting to think I should edit my posts. In a few years I’ll go back and analyse all the posts and see how many times I said this. Well, there is, within me, a need for organisation. The tile from the former post has made me think that I have hidden myself for way too long. Now, when working on my project I try to keep myself in check and focus on the up and out into the light instead of down and into depression and ‘I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m broken, I’m not enough, it will never work mode’.

Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. 🙂 Anything is possible and if I do not try I will never know.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I quit drinking. In a way sorry that it had to take me so long to try again with the chocolate but I guess that is how it works; if you don’t pay attention to the true inner voices you will not go in the right direction.

I don’t want to have to excuse myself anymore. I am regrowing my backbone. Did some tapping on that. NEW. Works nice. Good tool.

I am happy that I quit, not always liking what I see but getting more at ease with myself. Speaking with the hug-buddy and being open about things, giving myself the time and the authority not to do things which are crossing lines has helped. Being met nicely in that has helped too. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would follow the tiny things in her head more. Like ‘clean the desk’ when it is dirty instead of postponing it. That makes me feel so much better. It gives energy because otherwise I beat myself up over procrastinating and that costs way more energy. And the self-loathing. Pfiew. There was a time where I could deal with those ‘shoulds’ and say a woman who loves herself now chooses to clean her desk / not clean her desk. I will go back there. I keep a list with how I apply my time during the day and in that file there is a column of learning experiences.

I meditate in the morning for about a month now I think. Sometimes a little yoga. And now I’m off to bed because I want to get up on normal times again.

Wishing you a good sober, joyful, inspiring 2018! May your tribe prosper and the gods of sober development be with you!

xx, Feeling