This morning I quit my job. As in: told my boss that I could not accept the new contract he offered me last week. Not sure how to feel yet; going from sad, to free, to disappointed in myself and I have to admit: a little anxious about the future. The money I have still partially belongs to the tax-office so that’s a bummer. Finding another job should be high on my list. But not today.
And here I was writing this absolute rational explanation of why I quit – again without having any prospect of another job. I get so involved in my job that I can not look for another one without feeling that I betray my boss. I know that is stupid and overdone something / not my worry, but I can’t. So I don’t. And up to last week I was reasonably sure about staying.
This is one of these posts where I just write to get things of my chest, see where it all ends up, try to find out what is underneath it all. I have been thinking of leaving ever since I worked there/here. Or more accurately: as living in a real Feeling mode I really want to stay and I really wanted to quit. There will be people who say that one should not take decisions like this on ‘feel’. I do because I can not deal with the BS I get presented on a daily base. Every move forward in the project I am working on gets twisted and turned and undone by the lack of support I get from my boss / the single-mindedness and lack of education / ability to speak either Dutch / English / German of the staff. They just do not do their jobs and get away with it. And I am responsible for the results, but I do not have the permission or the tools to change things. Sometimes I do, and then it gets taken away – and given back again, and taken away, and promised but not followed up and…. I am tired.
My boss asked if it was a decision made on personal grounds (as in, he knows I have been pretty down lately) I told him yes and no: I just do not get anything back from what I put in. And that frustrates me. “A lot goes just plain wrong and there is nothing I can do about it while knowing that it is of the utmost importance that it does go right.”
To which he replied, sadly: “There is a lot that goes wrong here.”
I really feel for him, feel like I am letting him down. I can see the nasty spot he is in, and I really like to help him, but I can not stay without hurting myself. And that is when things need to end. So again, looking for another place in this world. He said he was sorry to see me leave. I said I was sorry I had to quit in order to keep myself from drowning.
Not sure what I learned here. That I can do great things. And that I can sink in the same time. That team is very important and management support too. Also learned that quitting a job gets easier once you do it more often. Not sure if this is good sober advice though. 😀
Ok, one bit of slander, one of the three things which together made up this final drop which causes the bucket to overflow – because it made me very sad, bitter and tired.
Last week we failed an audit over something big which could have been solved easily with 15 minutes work. The guy who was responsible kept on affirming that he ‘had it all under control’ and that I should ‘mind my own business’. When, in the audit his stupidity was found out he had the audacity to ask me to explain to the auditor what he did wrong and secondly could, while doing that suddenly ‘not remember’ who informed him of his erroneous ways in the first place :-/.
I do not feel supported. It is an empty feeling, it sucks the life out of me. 😦 I am not without mistakes. Have made plenty. Somehow I am always 1/2 step ahead so it must look like I have it all sorted out. I had a boyfriend like that once – I hated it. I do not know how to change the dynamics in that. And now I do not have to anymore.
Not sure where to go next. I am tired. I have several free days left, almost a month. Not sure if I want them in money or free time. 😦 Not sure I will be replaced. My earlier business advice to my boss was to forget about the program I am doing, fire me and get a production lead instead.
I am happy that I quit. Currently I am not sure what the F but I guess that will work itself out one of these days.
I am sad. I already miss my boss and some of the supportive colleagues. Both emotions surprise me. Well, I did not really think ahead. I just need to get out not to drown.
A woman who loves herself would make sure she takes it easy as not to tip the scales. She would take care of herself. Not sure I love myself. Can’t really do the big caring things. I can go to bed now. That is good. 🙂
Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. Do not follow my example in quitting your job ‘just like that’. It was by no means ‘just like that’ but it hurts too. I feel like I do not, can not belong anywhere. Time for bed it is.