We made it!

Yay! Passed the audit today. And where I was expecting a meagre 75% max score we got an astonishing >95% which means we are Higher Level at the first audit already! That hardly ever happens. Specifically not in this timeframe of the implementation which is half of the standard length :-). I had the idea that the auditor rated integrity, intent and enthusiasms more than whatever system we have put up in the last weeks.

That was the news. The rest is a logging of all the reactions which follow this overwhelming news. Need to log, need to learn, don’t want to.

I worked 10 to 12 hours a day in the last 9 days so I’m having 2 days off now. Dunno how to feel. Actually it very much feels like being at school. Working like crazy, fearing I would never be enough and then passing with flying colours. Same with doing the homework: I would be doing my homework and my boss who has an equally important function in this process keeps on asking me to fix things for him without the auditor seeing it. Gheghe….

‘Tell me! What does that mean; validation and verification?!”
“Well… you can look it up, it is in the book.” (Bwaahahaaahaaa… )
“Nooo! I need to know that right now!”
“Ok, ok!” (Gheghegheghe…. Bwaahahaaaa!)

Nothing has changed since high-school.

So…. 2 days off now. Not sure how to feel. Part of me feels stupid and alone. Everybody goes home to celebrate with somebody and here I am.

Another part is holding on to the past, this story where I once scored a 99% on an important intelligence/school test and my father commented that he had always thought something in me ‘was missing’. Now there is an equally ‘important’ test and most likely a 98% score. Even more is missing.

Just mailed my boss on something really stupid I did totally contrary to what I have been working to complete this last months. His response: must be the 1,5% which is missing…. yeah. I think I have done that part of my life already. I’m on repeat obviously?

Why can’t I just enjoy what I did? Not sure. I came home with a tooth ache because in the last months I have lost 3 (tiny) fillings and I have not found the time and rest to make a dentist appointment. Also I have not opened my tax letters and I fear my tax person has forgotten to request a postponement of the 2016 income tax. Did not dare to call because any bad messages would disrupt me. My house is a mess. My foot is hurting because I scratched the skin surface due to high stress and now it is getting infected. Had to wear sandals with socks to work today – how is that for dealing with an auditor? Also I forgot to take other clothes with me so I was in my bike shirt with sweater and I do not have jeans without holes anymore. Maybe that would have gotten me 99% or even a 100% :-D. For those who do not know yet: Dutch are the worst dressed people in the world.

And now? Dunno. I thought I had a business goal of becoming top score company. Next year. I really do not know. I put everything I had in this and it does not bring me satisfaction because I feel stupid. Because alone. Because, maybe I put too much energy in it. What is in it for me? I feel, disconnected, don’t want to stay anymore. I have gone from all in to all out. Looking at vacancies. Arguing in my head with my boss.

Just logging my reactions to whatever is happening inside. Whoa. Why can I not ‘just’ ‘be happy?’ Aahrg, going into ‘One day I’ll fly away mode’ while I promised myself I would settle here and get some serious salary and work going on before I am 50.

Angry because I got told off over a detail on some stuff again today while others get away with murder.

This whole experience has been very overwhelming and I have lost myself in it in order to have an excuse not to live.  A woman who loves herself would not have lost herself in this like this. I feel numb, used, entrapped. I want to get out but don’t know how to take the correct door.

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can’t hide.

Well, I think I should get some sleep. Tired. Guess I need to look at all of this again in the morning. There was this moment where taking care of me was too complicated because the (experienced) requirements of the job conflicted so badly that my reaction was to give up me. Ashamed to say that somehow it felt heroic to do so. And now I came out a winner and I do not feel it.

Can’t go to the sauna, my skin is open on several places on my body. I am fencing myself in from all sides, playing Cinderella.

Don’t know what to do with my life. The need to settle somewhere before I am fifty is getting bigger and bigger by the day. But I do not see myself doing this in this firm, at least not when my mood swings are so extreme. I don’t know. I have this fear my boss and I will clash any moment and big time. And I think I just found out that I don’t give a fuck. The accomplishment of the audit does not bring me anything. It is just work and then I go home and have nothing. Friends congratulate me but, what? What I enjoyed where the sparse moments of working together closely with people who actually wanted to do their work well too. Not many of those around.

I also notice that I am not well embedded in the company. I still think of them as ‘them’. The feeling of ‘us’ still lies with the former firm.

I am off to bed. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed 3 hours ago. It is 2 hours from my normal wake up time from the last weeks.

You know, maybe I just don’t really care about this ‘victory’ because I just don’t care. I care about not letting my boss down. And I am angry because the biggest effing incompetent asses of the company take their fat car and go back to their fat house and I bike on my old bike in my jeans with holes, jacket with a zipper slider missing and I am just plain jealous. Thinking I have the right to be jealous because they are (considered) incompetent (by me). Ooh, and by my boss btw.

Well, there are a lot emotions throwing me about. Time for some meditation. 🙂

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling

8 thoughts on “We made it!

  1. It definitely sounds like you deserve a good rest. I read something interesting the other day about how ‘lifestyle design’ sorts of social media has put pressure on people to think that their job should be a dream job that provides fulfilment, purpose etc in our lives. It’s more realistic to have a job that is ok, as long as we don’t hate it for any reason is it really so bad to just go out, do a routine job and pursue the good stuff outside of work. I guess it’s different for everybody but I found it quite a comforting thought. Enjoy your days off. Take care, hugs x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey TOTW,
      I’ve always thought I should have a carreer and thought that physical en emotional safety was found in money. Then addiction happened. Now I am trying to find a new approach. Not sure how to continue. It is a good idea to have a job and a life outside that but for now that thought is just an idea out there – something I can not achieve. I always go head first, I went all in and now I am all over the place. Guess that will settle. Need to learn to keep on taking care of me. Need to rest but first another 1 day of work and then 2 days off again. 🙂
      Off to bed again.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Feeling, well done on a great job! I can relate to The feelings you had of being disconnected. This happens with me when I put all my effort into something and it comes to pass, then somehow even if it all turned out well I feel disappointed. The reason is that we are seeking spiritual fullfillment from external ‘things’ These external things can never leave us feeling good for long before we need more or better. I’m still learning about this stuff but at least I now know why I feel like that after having accomplished something amazing. Hope you feel better soon. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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