I used a calculator to find out what day I have in this new life of me. Day 975, 2 years and 8 months and 1 day ago I finished this book ‘Kicking the drink easily’ by Jason Vale and quit drinking.
I am happy that I quit, eventhough lately I have difficulty appreciating it, well appreciating anything anyway. I guess grattitude really helps in sobriety. As I have always believed that being happy that I quit helps me. So, here is another post on why I can not feel that I am happy that I quit.
I am not happy currently because I am in this job which is the most taxing job I have ever had. Everybody thinks I am doing very well but I myself only see what is failing in my work.
But I’m guessing that is not it. The real pain comes from having fallen in love. Yay 😦 with this guy at work, married, obviously – cause why would things be easy? It is painful, somehow it is shamefull. I have been there with the bookstore man. Why did I not find that shameful? I guess because I did not yearn and fantasise. And now I sometimes allow myself to do so. Funny to find that these fantasies don’t go anywhere because I know they are unwelcome. He’s happily married to some awsome women. So I have lost my pride over the yearning. Ok. I can deal with that. It’s just like addiction. It is addiction.
A niece of my has passed away last week at the age of 60. She is the first one of the new generation. I have only seen her like 3 or 4 times in the last 20 years, but still. It is confrontational. She had/has/was bi-polar in a very dark way, could not be left alone for the last 15 years of her life. I hope she rests in peace. The day she died I suddenly had memories of her, through my father; a thought which I now recognise as from my father, not ‘of’ or ‘about’ my father moved into my existence. It was mixed with sadness over losing a daughter and with thoughts about my niece who was his brothers daughter. 2 Days later my SIL called to inform me that my niece had died that day. May I say that I am happy she died of a natural death? Not sure if that is a thing to think, probably not a thing to say, but I am happy for her kids and husband.
I miss my father. I miss the way it was when we thought things were good. When we all lied to eachother and played happy destructive family. We were happy too. But it was a because of layers of constructed, destructive work arounds in order to make things ‘work’ in the family.
Looking for a photo to demonstrate the crookedness I experienced and found this one. It actually leads to a book on Amazon saying: “Olya steps through the mirror into the Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors where Yalo resides. The kingdom, under the rule of King Yagupop LXXVII produces crooked mirrors that brainwash its people through subtle changes in reality.”
That is what I experienced in family life: brainwash through subtle changes in reality. The outsides of people not matching to the insides. Me having to change all kinds of things in my nature to be able to survive. Sickening. Sickening to everybody. My SIL informed me that my brother has found himself in a (near?) burn-out. My first thought “Well, that is about time.” Extreme high-blood pressure and STRESS with, well, capitals. 😦
To me being sober is reversing the brainwash and going back to my original self. Undoing the brainwash. But I am not happy about it. I find it not rewarding because lately I am tired, take bad care of myself and mostly, god this is so childish: because I can not have what (whom) I want. Pffff…. This is so painful to realise that I can not laugh about it yet. I must take better care of me but because I do not I feel bad and because I feel bad I do not think I have the right to take care of me. This is a repetitive thing: taking the right to live. Taking my life into my own hands. I feel I have to break with everything and everybody before I can do that. It is my assumption that if I do chose for myself I will loose everybody.
That was my mothers assumption too. It was my fathers assumption. It is part of what kept them together and it a sure motor behind their aggressive behaviour towards eachother and us. This is where projection comes in: since they did not choose for themselves, we were discouraged and forbidden to do so.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Time for practise in being grateful. 🙂
I am grateful for the beautiful song ‘Blowing in the wind’ which I have on repeat since writing this. It represents my mood very well currently. I am grateful for my nice colleague who picked up a big assignment I asked her to do today. I am grateful for the insight which lead me to this firm because I am where I need to be. Just not liking what I need to learn. Well, since I am there anyway I guess I might as well bite the bullet. What is in the way, is The Way.
I am grateful for my bike because it brings me where I need to go. I am grateful for my beautiful friends who have helped me lately to cope, who have learned to speak the truth to me about themselves, and about me. I am grateful for the female consultant showing me how to work, teaching me important stuff and skills. I am grateful for the male consultant because he shows me how I do not want to be. I am grateful for my difficult male collegue because he teaches me to not take stuf personal. Ooh, on that subject: my boss came over to me the other day complaining about this friend-collegue of him, telling me how close he is/had been to firning him over his non responsive behaviour. 😦 My boss scares me with things like this. I always think: I am only seen as good because the rest is screwing up. Not because I am good. Also: if he fires people ‘at will’, when will I be the next one? I told him. He got irritated. He’s not good with me losing faith, or maybe he’s not good in me losing faith in him. 😀 Or maybe I should not be saying these things to my boss! 😀 No no no, don’t ask me to learn because I will not.
Did I tell you that the consultants have been testing me to see how and if I want to proceed this job? They were saying things like ‘there are so many jobs in this field’ and ‘just have a look’. I had the idea they were trying to see if they could win me over to their camp. Not sure if they are allowed to do so. Would feel like betrayal. I would be VERY good at that job after some schooling. But I guess I might be too far away from the actual workfloor for me to be happy. Maybe I could do them both. 2 Days at my current firm, 3 days at theirs. Hmmm…. well, first the audit. I am still not sure we’ll get through. Auditors say we probably will. Boss says so. I don’t know.
Need to be off to bed. Wishing you a nice (sober?) day / evening.
I am happy that I quit. Even if it is only because I do not ever want to go back to the crookedness inside me, go back to the lying and hiding and not being able to stand up straight. I will stop yearning for the taken man too. Done. Just need to see how to deal with his anger about that. Married men are never nice: they (not so secretly) tease and flirt and send vibes just in order to sharpen their nails on a free woman and see if they ‘still got it’. Next they realise what they did but secretly blame and despise me. Thirdly they feel rejected when their tease is not answered.
One of the important collegues in the audit process has had a car accident in which a man was killed. My collegue was not to fault but did drive the car which killed the senior biker. He himself has no scratch but his whole aura is an open wound walking. I so want to hold him and keep all the pieces together for him. His energy continously falling apart is well, almost visible. First thing he said: “I am so happy I did not drink anything.” Meaning that he could not have lived with himself if he had drank a beer even though the accident was not of his making. He’s very concious of the dangers of alcohol in traffic. Cars are such a big responsibility. Use it well and it is a car. Drink and it turns into a murder weapon. 😦
Well, somewhere along this post I was free of dark thought but haha, not for long! 😀
Hope I leave you with a better mood though. I am happy that I quit. And a woman who loved herself would take better care of herself. That is what it is. Allowing myself to take care of me. I am still jailing myself. Freedom of fear and bad behaviour is scary. It is very alone. I am not at ease there. Need to become at ease otherwise I will keep on showing destructive behaviour in a reenactment of my former life. Trying to feel through the feeling of being free of these negative bounds. I realise that I need to be free but also within my body. Not free outside the body, free and centered. Free and not centered is more like panick. 😀 Liking the feel practice I am doing now. Free and centered. Need to practice that. 🙂
I am happy that I quit because I would not have found this place where peace and the possiblity to act are both existant. 🙂 No spell check today. Need to be in bed.