Fucking karma wheel spinning and spinning. I arrived at work at 7:00, left at 10 ish telling my boss that I was too much in a bad mood to do any good.
Yesterday I realised how little confidence the consultants actually have in us getting the certification and that was, well, revealing. It really put all my hard work into perspective (label: useless). On top of that I asked the head of production to follow procedures exactly as they are and should be and should have been for years and years and the whole department thus finished 2 hours late with everybody complaining about the work. I asked the head of deparment who himself is declared incompetent by my boss (nice) for solutions and he started to smile and smile and smile with his big brown eyes and cute face but gave no answers.
This morning I biked to work realising that I had done it again: invest too much and be disappointed about it. Where yesterday I still thought I could turn the tide of this company today I woke up realising that this is impossible. 1 Person can not undo in 2 months what 20 destructed in 2 years. I realised that again I had lost myself in a company, in workaddiction. I realised that if I could not set myself straight soon, I would not last the 6 month contract and even if I did, at this moment I am not tempted to continue after these 6 months.
This morning I asked Purchasing to give me some delivery times on regular goods which he knows (or should know) of by heart if he is serious about his job and just in time delivery which is required in this line of work. He did not know the answers and told me to look it up myself. Secondly I walked into the warehouse only to find an open box of toxic laying around in a corner while the same deer eyed head of department assured me days ago that ‘all had been fixed’ and that people where now really really really following safety instruction. NOT! This is a knock-out for the audit. So this got me pretty wound up.
Then I spoke with my boss on purchasing some goods which should have been purchased by Purchasing 4 weeks ago. Purchasing replied with ‘can’t find what you are looking for’ while I had actually added a link to exactly the product we required. The moment I press the send button on the finalizing mail about this subject the boss rethinks the situation and says ‘no’. Purchasing was in the cc of the former mail so I mail them: boss changed his mind. At which I get a diatribe of mails on ‘how he does not know how to answer whatever if there is no real question and how should he know what tf if I am not clear’ at which I reply that he was in the cc so fyi only. Even more garbage gets spilled in mail form.
Boss comes back, sits down and says: “I think, in the future, you, I and my wife will be running this company.”
I imploded and exploded internally and said: “Today is not the day to speak about the future with me.” He turned white, red, white again walked of and slammed the door.
I sat there for half an hour trying to hold myself together which did not work. Collegues came in, the nice girl asked me what was up. I told them I was fed up with the situation. Then I tried to work and went to another collegue for some more information. She was very willing to give it to me but her office-mate stormed off saying that he could not work ‘like this’. Slamming the door on his way out. This is the same guy who speaks private nonsense for 15 minutes in my office disturbing 3 people. I have company earplugs so I am not all too bothered.
It was strange to realise a lot of forces against me. I gave up. Told my boss I was going homea and would be back tomorrow. He pretended not to be interested or care but to me it seemed he was boiling inside.
I biked home and saw a set of grey geese with geeselings, first ones this year. There was a third goose, a white one trailing the geeselings and offering them food, trying to be part of the family. It was so sad. The image so much compared to my life where I want to be part of the boss and his wife’s family company but, I mean, it can not be. It is not natural. Even though I just got offered the third spot. Such misconception that I could fit in. There is no such thing.
That was 10 o’clock. It is 17 something now and I am still all over the place. Cheese, chips and chocolate only go so far. Spoke with a dear friend, that helped. And then again I cried and cried and cried and cried and realised that loneliness is eating away at my heart, my very core. That my work/love addiction has taken me places again. Story of my life: I can not fit in. I am too different and when the shit hits the fan I loose from all those who do not give a shit.
I do not think I can be me any longer. It just hurts. I do not understand what the fuck I am doing wrong. I can not live like this. It just hurts. And then the internal addict walks in and says; “Why don’t you go get some beers? That would be better than slitting your wrists.” Another trap. So many traps addiction lays out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Take care of myself. Yes, well yeah, this is the position I arrive in when I don’t. I am sick of having to learn that. Which is because I have no resevers left because I did not take care of me. Tired of doing it all by myself. Which is logical because we people are not meant to be living alone for so long. If I don’t set boundaries the outside world, or what I currently experience as the outside world (like my body…. being tired….) will. Effing addict complications. Kut karma.
I’m off to take a shower. See if it will wash away. 🙂
I am happy that I quit in a very angry way. Angry at myself that I am not more mature. Aah, there is an opening, I am scared of what people at my work will think because I went home. Scared of what my boss will think. Scared that he right at this moment decides to kick me out anyway. Lesigh…. I just want peace. Or maybe I can’t deal with that and that is why I screw things up. 😦
Off to take a shower.