The third goose

Fucking karma wheel spinning and spinning. I arrived at work at 7:00, left at 10 ish telling my boss that I was too much in a bad mood to do any good.

Yesterday I realised how little confidence the consultants actually have in us getting the certification and that was, well, revealing. It really put all my hard work into perspective (label: useless). On top of that I asked the head of production to follow procedures exactly as they are and should be and should have been for years and years and the whole department thus finished 2 hours late with everybody complaining about the work. I asked the head of deparment who himself is declared incompetent by my boss (nice) for solutions and he started to smile and smile and smile with his big brown eyes and cute face but gave no answers.

This morning I biked to work realising that I had done it again: invest too much and be disappointed about it. Where yesterday I still thought I could turn the tide of this company today I woke up realising that this is impossible. 1 Person can not undo in 2 months what 20 destructed in 2 years. I realised that again I had lost myself in a company, in workaddiction. I realised that if I could not set myself straight soon, I would not last the 6 month contract and even if I did, at this moment I am not tempted to continue after these 6 months.

This morning I asked Purchasing to give me some delivery times on regular goods which he knows (or should know) of by heart if he is serious about his job and just in time delivery which is required in this line of work. He did not know the answers and told me to look it up myself. Secondly I walked into the warehouse only to find an open box of toxic laying around in a corner while the same deer eyed head of department assured me days ago that ‘all had been fixed’ and that people where now really really really following safety instruction. NOT! This is a knock-out for the audit. So this got me pretty wound up.

Then I spoke with my boss on purchasing some goods which should have been purchased by Purchasing 4 weeks ago. Purchasing replied with ‘can’t find what you are looking for’ while I had actually added a link to exactly the product we required. The moment I press the send button on the finalizing mail aboutΒ  this subject the boss rethinks the situation and says ‘no’. Purchasing was in the cc of the former mail so I mail them:Β  boss changed his mind. At which I get a diatribe of mails on ‘how he does not know how to answer whatever if there is no real question and how should he know what tf if I am not clear’ at which I reply that he was in the cc so fyi only. Even more garbage gets spilled in mail form.

Boss comes back, sits down and says: “I think, in the future, you, I and my wife will be running this company.”

I imploded and exploded internally and said: “Today is not the day to speak about the future with me.” He turned white, red, white again walked of and slammed the door.

I sat there for half an hour trying to hold myself together which did not work. Collegues came in, the nice girl asked me what was up. I told them I was fed up with the situation. Then I tried to work and went to another collegue for some more information. She was very willing to give it to me but her office-mate stormed off saying that he could not work ‘like this’. Slamming the door on his way out. This is the same guy who speaks private nonsense for 15 minutes in my office disturbing 3 people. I have company earplugs so I am not all too bothered.

It was strange to realise a lot of forces against me. I gave up. Told my boss I was going homea and would be back tomorrow. He pretended not to be interested or care but to me it seemed he was boiling inside.

I biked home and saw a set of grey geese with geeselings, first ones this year. There was a third goose, a white one trailing the geeselings and offering them food, trying to be part of the family. It was so sad. The image so much compared to my life where I want to be part of the boss and his wife’s family company but, I mean, it can not be. It is not natural. Even though I just got offered the third spot. Such misconception that I could fit in. There is no such thing.

That was 10 o’clock. It is 17 something now and I am still all over the place. Cheese, chips and chocolate only go so far. Spoke with a dear friend, that helped. And then again I cried and cried and cried and cried and realised that loneliness is eating away at my heart, my very core. That my work/love addiction has taken me places again. Story of my life: I can not fit in. I am too different and when the shit hits the fan I loose from all those who do not give a shit.

I do not think I can be me any longer. It just hurts. I do not understand what the fuck I am doing wrong. I can not live like this. It just hurts. And then the internal addict walks in and says; “Why don’t you go get some beers? That would be better than slitting your wrists.” Another trap. So many traps addiction lays out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Take care of myself. Yes, well yeah, this is the position I arrive in when I don’t. I am sick of having to learn that. Which is because I have no resevers left because I did not take care of me. Tired of doing it all by myself. Which is logical because we people are not meant to be living alone for so long. If I don’t set boundaries the outside world, or what I currently experience as the outside world (like my body…. being tired….) will. Effing addict complications. Kut karma.

I’m off to take a shower. See if it will wash away. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit in a very angry way. Angry at myself that I am not more mature. Aah, there is an opening, I am scared of what people at my work will think because I went home. Scared of what my boss will think. Scared that he right at this moment decides to kick me out anyway. Lesigh…. I just want peace. Or maybe I can’t deal with that and that is why I screw things up. 😦

Off to take a shower.

xx, Feeling

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13 thoughts on “The third goose

  1. Please know you play a vital role in the world.
    I am so sorry this is happening…

    If you still feel such despair please call someone and tell them.

    I wish I could solve this. My engineer side says for you to write a clear list of deficiencies noted. Then a list of proposed recommendations. The senior staff either accept this or not. That will be your answer to continuing at the company.

    It sounds like no one is in charge….maybe you can help in this area.

    Your posts have always helped me a lot. You have opened my mind to different perspectives. I remember when you first posted long ago about sugar I was totally opposed and was very irritated. Lol

    But that is my lesson. Allowing others to explore and experiment in their own time. Mya way isn’t the only way. And sometimes I need to really step back and take an inventory of what I believe and why.

    Hug hug hug

    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    • Indeed, no one has been in charge for a long time. Boss has been doing other stuff, left it to brown eyed bambi and under him the company crumbled.
      Gheghege, funny to hear that you were very irritated, well, not funny obviously but… you know. πŸ™‚ Gheghe, I actually follow some blogs just for the purpose of being irritated so I know where my projections lay. πŸ™‚
      Taking time to step back. I should. Very little time for it but I think I will stick to my 40 hours the oncoming week.
      Spoke with some friends, had dinner together. That was good. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the hugs, well received. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  2. Hi honey!
    You are very important to me, too!
    You are my friend and I always think of you when I am riding my bike!

    Although I am married, I understand how hard it is living alone.
    My single friends are strong for awhile, and then they cry.

    I like Anne’s idea about the company.
    It does sound as no one is in charge.
    I don’t quite understand how companies work, but I do know the problems when people say they will do something, but don’t.
    Mr. UT works at a newsroom, and he often says, if people only did their work, all would be well.

    Big hugs, and much love,
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • “If people only did their work, all would be well” I like that. πŸ™‚ I’m gonna stick to that. πŸ™‚
      We should all have a sober blog bike holiday here in The Netherlands. πŸ™‚ It is all flat here, that’s real handy with biking. We do have a lot of wind sometimes though, hence the windmills. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for the hugs, they are wonderful! πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can really relate to the uggggg (and the chips, cheese, and chocolate). I wish I rode my bike to work! Just think how bad you might feel without that exercise.

    I work as a consultant offsite. I have worked with one client since 2010. The founder of the organization is charismatic and great at public speaking, networking and managing physical grounds. So the board hired someone to take care of the paperwork and details in a role of “COO or Business Manager”. It creates a two headed monster in which no one is in charge, and the COO the likes to keep things chaotic so she can clean the mess / maintain the need for her (from what I can tell – she constantly blames the founder for problems when the guy has his gifts and known deficits for a 25 years – and to his credit – now has a smart phone and some better email literacy a big change since 2010). Its a confusing situation of double reporting, meddling board, lack of coordination, etc. I have sat through endless meetings, and sometimes spend most of my time spinning wheels on “whose on first?” rather than doing my job. I used to spend 20% of my overall work time while this was 10% of my income on them, and I have got them down to 10% of my work week, and focus on my narrow job scope, but sometimes I want/need to throw my laptop through a window!

    As you can tell, I am so horrible at putting the serenity prayer into practice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe, ‘horrible at putting the serenity prayer into practice’. Yeah, that would be it, wouldn’t. I had not realises. I am not in AA. Your job at that firm sounds like ‘fun’. πŸ™‚ If it is only 10% why put yourself through it? Sounds like it brings more than 40% of your weekly stress. Salary should not be measured by dollars per hour worked. It should be measured by dollars per hour that you put into it, this includes calming down after you went there, the money you spend on comfort food, the money you spend the gym trying to get the extra pounds of comfort food off, the hours you ‘invest’ in disliking going back there, the hours you spend reading books on how to deal with difficult situations, the hours you waste with friends/partner speaking about this. Does not sound like you have a lot left after that. Neither have I but for me it is a 100% and I have this contract which I can not legally break open unless something disastrous happens.
      Today I enjoyed my work again after a long time. That was good. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for stopping by at my blog and responding!
      xx, Feeling

      Like

      • That is funny: “this includes calming down after you went there, the money you spend on comfort food, the money you spend the gym trying to get the extra pounds of comfort food off, the hours you β€˜invest’ in disliking going back there, the hours you spend reading books on how to deal with difficult situations” AND so true.

        I work freelance consulting, and I can’t afford not having this contract, especially now that it is more like 15% of my income since I have lost some work. But I could put some effort into finding better conditions.

        I am “comfortable” with the dysfunction too so I guess it is not just about the money. I guess fear of a new client, which is a lot of hard work the first year at least.

        “serenity to change the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Feeling, It sounds like you are so overwhelmed and overworked. On the big plus side you are still happy you quit and you know beers will only make this worse. You are important and loved. No job is worth your inner peace. Lots of love and hugs . xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi HFC,
      Yeah, overwhelmed and overworked, that sums it up. πŸ˜€ But / and: I got help and that is GOOD. πŸ™‚ I am guessing this whole getting sober / clear has to do with indeed changing my lifestyle, rebuilding it, as you wrote today. And I am confronted with that in everything I pick up. πŸ˜€ Hurray for the catching up with the real undrunk life. I am happy that I quit. Not sure why today but jeez, I don’t think I could have dealt with anything if I had not.
      xx, Feeling

      Like

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