If I asked you to name what you love, how long does it take for you to mention yourself?

It has been a while since I wrote. My life has been another (?) roller coaster of emotions with the new job and working 45-50 hours a week. 2 Weeks ago I had another one of those immense panick attacks where my legs gave in, my heart raced through my body, faltering ever so now and then and I had this continuous feeling of fainting. It was at my work so I asked help from a co-worker. She was really nice and understanding. Even though I have been writing posts since the last one but never pushed the publish button. Did not want things to be real I guess. πŸ™‚

Edit: this is a post which could be renamed; ‘moaning’. Not upset if you don’t read. πŸ™‚

The job I have is the toughest one I ever had. I am exactly where I need to be to learn what I need to learn but shit, it is tough. The pressure with the upcoming company audit is high and eventhough I have been in this company for 3 months ‘already’ there have not been 5 minutes the same. Well, obviously there have been some repetitive things but most of it is new, new, new, new, new, new, new. Should I be there? I guess I should. My boss guesses I should. His admiration of my is lessening – thank God, it was starting to become unbearable, I feel locked up in this glass house, in stardom and people around me seemed to start to wonder what is going on. I want things to be normal. I want to be able to fail and still be carried by the organisation and my boss. We had a talk about perfectionism. I need it for my job because that we are looking to get certified for a system of gazillion details. If I had the time it would be perfect. I don’t have the time. The company does not have the time. We don’t have the time. So I need to move quicker. My solution to receiving criticism was to be ‘even more perfect’. Perfection is such a trap. πŸ™‚

I remember this moment when I was about 4 years old and saw a beautiful, very fashionable woman who, with her appearance held power over people. I wanted to be as perfect and powerful as she was so nobody would ever hurt me again. Perfection for me serves two purposes: one is being untouchable and safe. The other drive is me wanting to be part of something and thinking this can only happen if I am flawless. I notice now in my work and personal life that being untouchable does not make people trust or like me – I am learning that over the years I have never showed them me. I have showed the world an outwardly projected image of what I wanted to be. A mask. I need show who and what I am for people to be able to live. I suffocate myself if I don’t.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about is NOT my struggle with being in love with yet another person in my life. Somehow I do not feel safe anymore to be discussing this. It is a big one. I don’t even think it is personal, just a biological response to feeling unsafe.

We regularly meet through work. Most of the time I am ok, but whenever he is in an agreeable mode and very positive about and towards me it is hard not to be touched by his energy. At one point I felt so locked up in the situation that I threw a Tarot on it and well, the explanation of the situation was the intense meeting of male and female energy and the solution was Love. I thought: I can do the Love bit, it does not have to be lust. It can be Universal Love and appreciation of life’s energy. Gonna try to stick to that.

Other subject, or possibly the same, or at least related. The memories of my womb-brother dying next to me keep on hitting me at all moments. Little logic to the timing. It is very hard, sitting at my desk, filling in a spreadsheet and suddenly being overwhelmed with grieve over somebody who I regarded as my other self dying next to me. I think it has to do with the phase of discovery of this subject of womb-twin syndrome I am in, also I assume that the stress I am under attacks my life force and makes me believe my life is in danger. Well, I guess that is how I roll. Always have. I have no way of coping other than accepting that this is happening, feeling through, realising how this experience has shaped me. I guess one day all things will fall into place. I realise that I, with some of the men I meet, want to recreate that womb feeling of him being me and I being him. The bookstore guy was one of them.

Well, loads of the usual moaning. What I really want to write about is how, how, how…. I forget to take care of myself easily. I do not think I have cleaned my house more than once in 3 months. (Yuck!) I do clean my bed every week, do the dishes, I do change into new undies and a T-shirt every day, jeans get washed every 3 days but the house is a mess. Under all the bravado of ‘being so fantastic’ at my job I am scared to death that I will fail and somehow, well, am ashamed upfront so badly that I do not care for me anymore. Why is it that I do not even remember to ask myself ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ Why don’t I write here? What, after all the shameful shamelessness I turned digital here, do I hesitate now to be here and write, sort stuff out?

Looking back I over the past 2,5 years (yes! :-)) I had/have (?) a strong thing going for myself. Being happy that I quit, always a reminder for me to feel gratitude for quitting, to check in on me. And now? I scorn myself, I berate myself, I dislike myself, feeling so inadequate, thinking I should be ‘further along the growth line of sobriety’, I hate my lonely heart which flies out to meet this new (married!!) man in my life. I look down on myself because I am ashamed of AGAIN falling for some guy even though he himself really is trying to show off his charm.

Not sure what is happening. I’m thinking if I am not perfect I do not have the right to exist. Today I tried tapping (EFT) on the subject. That actually really helps. The thing that pops up after layers of layers of layers of disliking myself is “Mama why don’t you love me?” Somehow now I prefer to punish myself for being unloveable (let’s say, fall in love with the worst man possible, can cost me my job, my income, my pride) instead of dealing with the immense loneliness of realising that my mother was had a dislike towards me. Only in the last 1,5 years of her life this changed into like and love. Well, realising this actually does make me feel better. So it is either loneliness or berating myself and selfdestructing. Trying to sit with it.

If you would ask me what I love in life, I would not be on the list I guess. I find it amazing how long this struggle takes. Guessing that it took me 44 years to get addicted, it will take at least one month for every year to reverse things and still: that might be true if I were working on it day and night. I’m not. I don’t even ask myself what a woman who loves herself would do.

I went to the hairdresser today. Scared to cut off the last bit of old dyed hair. My going grey is directly and strongly related to the decission to quit drinking. I feel I am not ready to let go of the last old dyed bit because I have not done what it takes yet in order to be sober / clear. I have transferred my alcohol addiction to work addiction, Netflix, chocolate, cheese and chips. I still feel ashamed of what I have destructed in my life with booze, ashamed because I squandered my mothers inherritance.

It is evening now, reading back what I wrote (pretty much against my own rules but hey… my blog πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ ) I did change some stuff

A woman who loves herself would actually start to work on being more positive. And if it does not come from the inside, getting it from the outsid by Bach remedies would be a good idea. This moaning is soooo boring. But first she would sleep. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit though at work some people referred to it as ‘ridiculous’ that I did not want to eat tiramisu dessert which has some kind of alcohol in it. Not nice. I am happy that I quit, if only because I don’t want to have to do it all over again. πŸ™‚ I am happy that I quit because I feel like my life is now leading me to places where I can learn instead. And I do learn and I do not drink and that intensifies the learning. And the pain. But the pain is optional. ‘Just’ have to learn not to walk that path of preferring self destruction over Life. Life was never meant to suffer. If anything Life is meant to be lived. And from Life comes the wish to learn and proceed, that is just within our genes; look at kids, babies already want to get ahead, do stuff just because it is fun. And somehow when we (i!) become (became) adult this all changed. Then I got sober and the joy came back. Then I got hooked on sugar and the joy disappeard. I know what I should do and somehow I can not seem to let go of the chocolate because it is my friend. πŸ˜‰

Awfull post. Too much moaning. I’m off to bed.

I hope you are happy too that you quit and (un)like me does what a woman who loves herself does.

xx, Feeling

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16 thoughts on “If I asked you to name what you love, how long does it take for you to mention yourself?

  1. I’m so happy to see a post from you.
    I am happy I quit and I try to do things because I love myself.
    Sometimes it’s hard. I don’t believe my mother ever loved me, and it is impossible to not carry that. But I know more and more that was her loss. Because I am loveable.

    Keep reminding yourself of how far you have come. You post sounds strong and clear and true. I’m sorry work is so crazy…but maybe that’s what you need in 2017. Embrace the challenge.

    I’m sending you a huge hug and lots of love! We are both living. How awesome.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    • Embracing the challenge. πŸ™‚ Sometimes that works and yes, it is exactly what I need in 2017, I was hiding my light.
      Yes, impossible not to carry, it is like there is a house, but no founding. I have to make everything myself.
      I have difficultly practicing gratitude and when it comes to my mother I’m still at the phase where I need to unraffle why (tf?) I chose this life, these parents, this strange family. I know I did and the path I walk is sometimes very rewarding and totally me but on days like yesterday?
      Ok. Today I will take care of me. πŸ™‚
      Wishing you a nice Sunday. Spring is starting here but I believe you have midwinter experiences, not?
      xx, Feeling

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  2. I am glad you wrote. Moan away, it is good therapy. You can only ever do your best, you are not Super Woman, don’t kill yourself trying to achieve the impossible. If your company are relying totally on you for this particular job then perhaps they are expecting too much. I like Byron Katie for impending panic attacks, she saved me from one yesterday.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, they expect too much. They have been effing up the company for 2 years now and want me to turn it around in 3-4 months. And I feel responsible. Sigh. Tapping worked this morning but in the light of this day it seems ridiculous that I need to do the tapping while they are not even doing their job. Let’s see how I can turn that around… Oooh…. hmmm… πŸ˜€
      xx, Feeling

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      • You can’t change reality, it is what it is. You either accept it, put up with it and stay or you accept it, realise it isn’t for you and walk away. 😘😘

        Liked by 2 people

    • I started doign a little. I noticed that I don’t start because I don’t feel like doing it all but I felt way better when I forgot ‘all’ and just did what I did feel like. πŸ™‚ Guess it is like not drinking: whenever I look(ed?) into the future worrying about ‘but I can’t drink then and then and then?!!’ I felt like I could not be sober. When I do not think about the future but just am, I have no problems. πŸ™‚ Let’s see if this lesson concerning the housekeeping sticks. πŸ˜€
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So happy to hear from you, Feeling. As others have said – Moan away! I am reading into your words and trying to find some subconscious hope or positivity, so if I am way off the mark, just throw my thoughts away. You ask yourself towards the end why you would choose this life and these people…. You talk about your brother (I’m so sorry to hear the difficulty of experiencing grief and loss – I feel the same about 2 siblings I lost very early in my life), perhaps you chose Him? …. And then, with your mother’s inheritance, I hear your shame with spending the money, but perhaps the actions were also related to how you feel about your relationship with her and with your family? Perhaps by spending the inheritance, you broke your ties? Yes, it’s money and yes, it’s helpful, but perhaps being free of a connection was/is more important so that you can live your life unencumbered? ….. As I said, just thoughts. Thinking of you, friend.* -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is funny that you say that, the thing about the inheritance puts it in a whole different perspective. I hated the money because my mother had gotten it at the expense of staying with my father which kept her very unhappy.
      Sorry to hear you have lost siblings, that must have been hard for you, not to mention your parents. 😦
      Thank you for sticking out your neck and giving me a different view on my story. I can not (yet?) place the brother part but there is indeed a totally different side to the money story too.
      xx, Feeling

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  4. Hello feeling…glad to hear from you. I can hear the growth in your writing. Your new job sounds exciting and challenging. I understand the workaholic part…especially with a new job… you’ll find your balance in time.
    Take care,
    Jenn

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I will find balance in time, I guess. There is this Dutch saying: the quay turns the ship. Meaning as much as: you can keep on sailing the same course but at one point you will have to change direction or crash.
      I need to indeed get to the exciting and challenging… not stick with the ‘impossible’ and the moaning. πŸ™‚ Thank you for the reminder. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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  5. Hi Feeling!
    I love this post because you sound strong, even if you don’t feel like it!
    We are ever changing..life is ever changing, and you are meeting those changes with openness.
    I am so glad I quit.
    We are on a path that will have ups and downs, but we are strong women!!
    xoxoxo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy!
      Yes, openness, very important ingredient to life and sobriety. I am happy you read about strength. Maybe I should start to believe in me a little more. Not sure.

      And that is really what I thought. Maybe I should believe in me a little more. Not sure. Ghegheghe, Houston, we have a problem… πŸ˜€

      I am happy you are happy that you quit! Being happy that we quit is important. πŸ™‚

      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Feeling, we missed you! I am also glad you quit – that is the biggest thing a woman who loves herself can do is to stay sober and that is what you are doing! Re falling in love with the wrong people, I don’t have any advice I am afraid. The heart wants what it wants. My house is a mess too(working like a maniac) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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