Guess who got a 25% raise today?

This life of mine is so strange. I got a 25% raise today. Just like that. Given to me. I did tell him that I think 50% is appropriate. He answered that with a raise like that he would want to revise the contract and he is willing to do that in 4 months. How strange is this. He said he had underestimated the job and also ‘I am not going to keep on saying this but I think you do a very, very good job.’

Ghegheghe, how about not being able to celebrate good fortune? I IMMEDIATELY moved into impostor fear. What if I can not deliver now I got a raise. Roller coaster from there on. How do other people deal with things like this?

And also: I got some money from the government to cover part of my rent cost and health insurance: I will not be getting that anymore. So… all in all… Well, that is ok. I need to climb out of that hole at one point in my life.

Next thing I went back to my old work this afternoon to return some DVD’s. There was no magic there. Everything looked familiar but was not ‘mine’ anymore. I told the nice guy I had missed him. He did not reply. So I guess there is no love lost there.

Now I am sick because of half a bar of white chocolate. πŸ™‚

I’m going to relax, have a bath possibly, go to bed early so I can get 9 hours sleep. Need to do a presentation tomorrow. Number 3 in a row of 6 or possibly 12. Boss is going to be there for the first time. That was ok when I found that I earned too little. Now it suddenly is a pressure. Ghegheghe, don’t wish too hard, it might come true.

In between I am reading Amrut Laya ‘The stateless state’ – no, this is not a political book (or might be, dunno yet) it is about states of being. And it says that one has to get rid of pride or otherwise one will not find their true Self. πŸ™‚ It aims for the same thing I thought I should aim for: clarity, seeing things for what they are, being true, being clear. So that’s cool.

I am happy that I quit. Today I find my life strange. I am happy that I do not drink anymore otherwise I would have gone on a bender and I would never have discovered my mood swing. I did eat too much chocolate though. Yuk. Time to learn something there.

A woman who loves herself would have a shower and go to bed. Let it all settle overnight. This is what I’ll do. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. I am off to bed and will see how life continues tomorrow. Sleep = good.

xx, Feeling

8 thoughts on “Guess who got a 25% raise today?

  1. You have got what you deserved and when your review comes in a few months it could be even more! Remember what your Boss said. Write those words down and stick them on your fridge!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Congrats on the pay increase! That is a relief on so much of life’s $tressors. Don’t feel like you must out perform your previous, lower paid self. The reason a person gets a pay increase is because they are producing more value than they cost to pay for the product or service. You have already provided the value that led to the increase so no stress. You are now being paid for the proper amount of value you are creating. πŸ™‚ As long as you don’t create less value than before, you have nothing to worry about πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Dustin and instead of believing that I have taken a week to spiral down to a level where I could not even really function anymore. Well, I can laugh about it now but shiiiiiiit. Well, that made sure the ‘honeymoon’ was over. Which is good because in hindsight I felt I could no longer live up to the immensly high standards he got (I set for him?) and the admiration. Admiration is KILLING. It can only break. At first it was really painful, then it became informative. Currently I am experiencing another one of those spirals where Life throws me back into old behaviour and I get to see more and more of the details and understand the workings of it better. I fall into some trap I have set for myself, try to get out and do so sober, clear and with integrity. And I notice that a few months later I find myself in another situation but the same trap, learning about an even deeper level of the whole issue. My inner voice tells me I need to stay in this job to deal with that stuff so there really is no other way than learning to deal. πŸ™‚ Was there ever another way? Oh! Yeah! Drinking!! 😦
      Do you experience these repetitive spirals on issues too? Please feel free to add in some AA propaganda if that is neccessary for explaining things. πŸ˜‰
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • There is so much in what you said! It is very abstract (which is fine) but it’s very hard for me to understand and see the problem without a specific incident or situation. What are the high standards that were set? Either unconsciously or unspoken? And did you admire him or he admire you? I’m a bit confused where the admiration falls in. I am guessing he was admiring you for these unsustainable standards you were trying to hold up? Maybe I have it backwards. I don’t want to share my experience with the repetitive spiraling until I understand what you mean. Is there a specific incident you remember this happening? What was it about? Sorry it’s really difficult to solve or share my experience of abstract situations. πŸ™‚ I am glad you have found some understanding and some closure on parts of it. That is always a relief. Especially the closure.


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