28 month sober – 1 week new job

Just wanted to post this because it somehow very much reminds me of my life.

Work is good, I am happy that I quit because I could never ever have done this job while drinking. My boss told me yesterday that he was very, very, very happy that he had hired me. I guess that is a compliment which also stretches out to me. πŸ™‚ So that is good.

He has the same name as the nice guy I fell in love with at my former workplace. Sigh. And then the gods started playing with my head by sending in 2 other guys with the same name this week. So every morning I meditate and in that meditation discover if and how I am attached to the nice guy and let it go. In that letting go, which actually looks a LOT like what I did while quitting drinking, I realise that I am alone and can stand on my own two feet. Also: that the sort of addictive way I have in dealing with guys is, well, addictive. It is mist I create to not be clear, a ‘get away’ from what is. And the funny thing is: when I cut all these energetic threads I actually feel better so I do not understand the ‘need’ for it. Apart from me having an addictive personality and having difficulty with being at ease. πŸ˜€

So yeah, happy that I quit. Spending Christmas on my own. Need to really take 100% care of me and me said: not going to visit the family because I don’t feel like it and I need all my energy to cope with this new function. It has nothing to do with the function before. I did half a day of production work this week, just to get an idea. The rest was office/procedures/speaking with consultants on the trajectory we’re setting up. Not sure if we will get the certification.

From what I have learned discipline and procedures need to be way tighter than they are in this new factory. Which is why I asked my boss to set out a vacancy to try get two of the employees from my former work in the company. It is a bit tricky: that would be almost half of the former companies staff and the former company is a customer of my current company so… tricky. But then again, these guys have been looking for an opportunity to leave and now it is here. Not sure if they will follow, I have the feeling things have changed there since I left. But is would be good. Would safe me a LOT of work in training and get them the job they were looking for, not sure if they like the colleagues though, the whole company is so diverse that about 20% speaks Dutch, 30% English and the rest something Englishlike or another European language. German I speak, Spanish I can follow to understanding what it is about, Italian a little less but Polish? Pfff…. Not sure if it is going to work, my intentions are not entirely selfish so I feel I am being manipulative so, well, that is never good.

My head/concussion has not been bothering me but I need to really take it easy in the evening, back to having no evening appointments otherwise ‘the light turns off’ in my head. Lucky me: I have flexible working hours! And a day extra to spend because I started working a day before my contract started, and… a 36 hour workweek. So! Hey! I can sort of have 7 hour workdays and that = good for me. Still I have about 4 kilo of certification procedures to read over Christmas, getting paid for it though, not gonna do free overtime for this salary. He’s got my consultancy brain for 500 more than a production worker. Well, I should have stood up when he offhandely offered that. In hindsight it was sooo clear that he was open to negotiating. Ghegheghe…. my head was somewhere else: can I do this job, is it not too early, is it not too difficult? Actually I’m fine with the salary. I also realise that I do have to really keep a tight grip on my priorities and focus otherwise I will drown in the procedures, rules and fear of not being able to do it.

Just now that I am writing it has turned the 25th of December and I am 28 months sober. Happy that I quit. With the meditating I experience a lot of progress again in myself, I needed that, I was getting worried about the lack of clarity I was experiencing, the addictive mind was looking too much for distraction. I meditate till my mind is still and then a little longer. I got into a daily routine, then the job happened and now I need to incorporate this routine in my every days schedule again. Working on it. πŸ™‚

Sending holiday greetings from The Netherlands. I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit. If you did not, I would really appreciate if you will consider quitting (again).

Now that I am back in a job which is more at my level I am feeling less ashamed about my drinking and what I ruined with that. Still pissed off about wasting away a lot of money by not working and living of my savings/inheritance. I have difficulty looking that in they eye. 😦 I actually feel I can only be totally cleaned of ‘this’ when I earn back that money. I am thinking this prolonged shame is something which going through the 12 steps might change. But I am not ready to let go, know that too. I feel the shame is some sort of ‘security blanket’ in a negative way. Well, by the time it is time to let go, it will go. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

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20 thoughts on “28 month sober – 1 week new job

    • Thank you Shelly! Welcome to my blog. I try to write unedited in order to let off steam and not redirect and try to make it all pretty. Wanting to hide away what is, is part of the reason I got into trouble anyway so, unedited (and therefore sometimes very boring :-D) it is. But welcome. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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    • Thank you Jenn! One day I hope to re-read all the posts and get an better picture of the journey. Funny thing I notice: with meditating my posts get shorter. Immediately and considerably. Isn’t that a funny (and neccessary) side effect?
      xx, Feeling

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    • Hey Ruby,
      Yes to the easier said than done, I notice that when I have been hurt I find it difficult to take care of me because I feel I do not deserve it. I guess that is a pattern from long ago.
      I do not meditate ‘properly’. I have tried to for several years and I noticed that for me, having standards of how things should be, kept me from actually doing it. Now I just sit down, I like to burn a candle in the colour which speaks to me at that moment and make myself comfortable. I sit on a (self made πŸ™‚ ) meditation pillow with a blanket over my crossed legs. I do not want to get cold, no need for suffering there. I turn my mind inwards and let things happen; see what is inside, see ‘where’ I am. Sometims I sort of ‘scan’ my and ‘aura’ if you will, for emotions, tension. When I meet something I try to ‘let go’ of it? If I meet tension I try to relax. And inbetween all of that I do not use my mind, it is a sense thing / awareness thing. It is not about having an opinion on what is happening. I also have a notepad next to me, sometimes, when the dust settles, strong impressions or clear thoughts or memories pop up, I write things down to remember them because I do not (yet?) have the skills to remember these insight while relaxing into the ‘meditation’. And that not being able to remember would bugg me, so I write them down so I can continue.
      I’m not sure if there is anything proper about this, but it works for me. YouTube has nice vids on how to meditate. And with that: make sure to find a teacher who speaks to you, who tells you something you feel is good for you. No use putting trying to live up to something ‘which must be done exactly as he/she says’. πŸ˜‰
      xx, Feeling

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  1. Merry Christmas, Feeling.* So glad this new job meets you on a level that utilizes the skills and talents you have, while pushing you in new ways. Sounds like a good combination. I also love what you said about the new job taking away some of your shame about your drinking. Awesome.* Congratulations on 28 months!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fantastic for the time you have. Tomorrow I’m leading a beginners meeting. I’m leading from the Promises. Do not regret the past nor shut the door on it. With my past it fills me with shame. All the missed opportunities lost. Money lost. Relationshipso lost and on and on. I have to forgive myself. That’s what I read you are beginning to do. Forgive myself.
    Good luck with your new job but more importantly your new sober life. Without you sober life there would be no new job.
    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

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