On returning to myself

The last few days have been both scary and wonderful. I have settled into a boring mode of Australian Masterchef, Facebook, food and sleep and it has done me good. Slowly I feel I am returning to myself. Everyday I wake up feeling slightly more myself. I had no clue that the dictatorial regime of my boss had changed me this much. I am starting to enjoy life again, starting to enjoy being me again. So I guess I made the right decision. And I am very thankful that I have sat it out to the end because I have given the company what I could, not more but certainly not less so I feel, if one can say that from themselves that I leave with clean Karma. Can you say that about yourself? Doesn’t feel right but I guess you know what I mean: I do not ow her anything and that is GOOD. 🙂 This is the first time in my life I walk away from something while being ok with the situation. Even though it is unfair and not just and whatever. I do not care, I did not need to win something, I needed to take care of me and that is what I did. So bye bye it is. I even hid the chat function with the nice guy on Facebook so his appearance does not remind me. It works. 🙂

So now what? Dunno. First days were filled with self-destructive thoughts. Glad I have a cat, her existence makes me realise that there is more to life than only my black mood of times. I also did do something which does not feel good: I cancelled the tax check on my book for 2014, claiming I have a bad headache and in any case anyhow need to focus on incoming money, not on historical issues. The fact that I cancelled was ok, I am not prepared and this is ancient history which nobody can change so it CAN actually wait. But I do not like the way I actually cancelled. I’m thinking that again (not the first time in my life) I have played the underdog to get ‘sympathy’ and I do not like that anymore. But haha, I do not want to step up and deal with the real thing yet so I guess I will hang about in the middle. Dangerous place, the middle; people are mostly ok with real underdogs, underdogs which have power generally appear to be manipulative people and get shot down. I still have that standard reaction in me ‘if I get seen by people they will shoot me down, better hide.’ Which is funny because in any crowd I will be the first to stand up and draw attention to me, in a good or bad way, no matter. Might be because I felt I was not allowed, might be because I find it inspirational to fight against the world.

Aah ja; on awareness, I am trying to practice awareness of myself. Not the one where I feel/check my normal self with the same feel/check thingies as I normally do. Hmm, how to explain? I have this daily me and then there is this me which can actually watch my daily me act and react and this other me has a very clear vision of what the daily me does and likes and how reactive she is. I wish I knew the words, don’t know what books to read to get the words. Missing the bookstore man because he would know. Well, this other me, when she is active I call that awareness. The other me does not get thrown about by emotions but actually compassionately watches the daily me getting into trouble. I feel way better when my daily me is being watched over by the awareness because if I leave life to my daily me I keep on running into problems and keep on having issues. I am thinking that I need to give the other me more control, that I need to become aware. Ever since I have stopped drinking I have been trying to unraffle this and haha, quickly fix me getting ‘there’. ‘There’ would be that I live in awareness all day and can Buddha like deal with life. Not so much wanting to be the Budha or whatever but I am thinking my normal reactive state of life is not so sustainable and it is very not peaceful. I have this warrior type of character and damn it wears me out sometimes. I too want to come home and have peace.

At which I hear my awareness / higher self ask me “Do you really?” and my daily self realises that I have no clue whatsoever how to deal with peace. I am thinking this might be a result of growing up, well living in fight-flight-freeze mode for most of my life.

I have been very much aware when I first quit drinking, constantly monitoring where my addicted reflexes would take me. It is funny, did you do that too?

The last weeks, months I have also been very scared about the results of the USA voting. It is only today that I can sort of think….. it might not turn out for the worst-worst. However, I am with Bernie, but he is not in the picture anymore. I need to look it up but I think I can remember from the Apocalypse parts of the bible that it all starts with a worldly powerhouse being ruled by a woman. Not that whatshisorangeface is a better option… (oh and yes, if I insult you with that PLEASE be gone), he looks far worse :-(. The USA has gotten itself in a shit hole and I hope for the best but I fear with either option the USA will take down the rest of world too. So yeah, the USA voting has got me worried badly, setting of old fears of apocalypse instilled by my father. Well, the fears are, the apocalypse not I assume. 😉 I never expected to live longer than 30. Maybe it is no wonder I have no idea of direction. Blegh, moaning, underdog speaking, booooring.

I have not taken any action to find work. I am still settling and I do not want to force that, also I feel I first have to clean the house which obviously is THE BEST reason not to do it. ;-). You know, I don’t even need a Trump or Clinton to ruin my life, I can perfectly do that myself. The aware me now watches me picking fights out of nowhere and keeping busy with fighting because, because the noise and action of the fighting keeps the daily me away from feeling the reality of my life. The daily me would be very lonely if she did. The aware me thinks the daily me very much needs this aloneness to finally come to me. To finally become aware.

For logging purposes some additions of strange experiences and thoughts which I put out here well, to log and to really log. I have the feeling that if I do not push the publish button I have not logged it. Yes and I also at some day hope to find somebody who says ‘Yes! I recognise that! So, no need to read if you are not so very much into vagueness. 🙂 Lately I have learned to actively ‘feel into’ the space between people to try to read what is going on.If I say ‘feel into the space’ do you know what I mean? I am guessing most of you at one moment in your life have walked into others who, at the surface looked pretty normal but you could feel tension in the air, be it aggression or sexual or whatever. That feeling without things being said is what I am talking about, but not only for the big emotions but also for the tiny ones. Sometimes I can guess what a person is thinking about by listening to the space around them. It is a nasty ‘gift’, when unknown and undeveloped it is like being a radio without an on and off button and without a button to adjust to a channel and also without knowing if things which ‘are’, actually come from outside or inside.

But by now I am thinking, if I do this un(sub?)consciously, I might as well use this skill and do it conciously and make it a tool instead of dealing with it like it is an open wound. I assume that this change in dealing with this ‘gift’ is based in realising that I do this ‘feeling’ because, yes, it is getting more vague, because I have lost a womb twin and that sort of left an unnatural opening in my aura. Ever since I think to know (there is no way to know for sure obviously) for sure that this is my history I am starting to close up, feel like I am not walking around with this tremendous, not understood wound. So no matter if this theory is historically correct, it is, for this moment, a hypotheses which helps me develop. It feels very much true and in dealing with the grieve of that loss, I feel I am finally learning to, dunno, value myself really. Like it is very important that there is a reason why I am weird. I guess that is it. I have finally found the reason why I am strange, weird, different. That helps. Obviously people around me do not want me to call myself strange, and I guess I should not, but the word explains very well how I feel so I do use it.

My main grief is to have lost my womb twin brother and because I existed, he could not. How’s that for a starter sentence at a Freudian of Jungian couch?

The hypothesis rests in an experience/vision I had a while ago. In the experience I was in the womb happily, unconsciously growing about with all the gusto I have and suddenly I became aware that the brother whom I loved like he was mine and I was his (strange ownership, not? Sounds more like rivalry than love), well we thought we were one apart from that we had another body, but we identified as one-ish. He died. I felt him dying and his energy disintegrating. Not sure if you have ever witnessed a death from nearby but that is what happens (disclaimer: in my view). That is how I feel it. It was dark, dementor-suck-the-life-out-of-you-dark, but it was part of life and wild like life can be wild. And yet it was organised, there was structure there, as there is organisation in a rainforest, and structure, we just don’t normally see it because we do not know about the structure and the organisation.

Just before my womb twin disintegrated I panicked and wanted to save him and I send him my Life energy. I still check everybody I see on vital signs, through the air, vision, smell, feel, aura, vibe, posture, movement everything. I am not even aware that I do it at the moment I do it. But I can never not comment on somebodies health when I see them. Very irritating and impolite but it just burps out.

Strange but good is that when I realise my (supposed) history, I feel complete. Well, I feel half and miss my brother but that is more logical than whatever I have felt before. Maybe this is a strong visualisation of a missing animus. Could be, but I am actually thinking that my imbalance in yin and yang, anima and animus is based in this. And finding back the balance is of the utmost importance to my growth. I feel I am crooked, unbalanced, not straight internally because I am not whole, because there is unbalance in the female and male aspect of me. Like I have no spine. When I take my history seriously I do feel the spine growing and subsequently I feel the left side of my body energetically coming to life and starting to take part. And then left and right speak with each other. It is cool. But strange because in all kinds of traditions the left side of the body is the female side while the right side of the body is the male side (and brain the other way around). So while I am a woman I tend to think/feel that I live in the right (male) side of my body. Acknowledging my lost twin brother somehow makes my left, female side, wake up and live up to the right side while now the left side of my body is in hiding, always has been. In daily life I experience the left side of my body as the weak side, a place where I should not be because it is dangerous to be there. Funny to discover these things which have been true for so long. Strange it is.

Another experience which was linked to this left side matching the right side is that my issue on sexuality disappeared. It was actually a very powerful moment where I could oversee a lot of things, in this case the world and all its nonsense vanished and it seemed that only reality/energy stayed behind. obviously those moments come and go very quickly. 🙂 I have fallen in love with men all my life, so anybody would guess I am straight but I do not because there is something there (e.g. having sort of falling in love with women and also having had more actual sex with women). But I don’t know, because I was not in love I have always looked upon that as ‘casual sex, because the opportunity arose’ sort of thing. I don’t know. Sometimes it is confusing. But then left and right matched and it was not confusing anymore: sexuality was just sexuality, had no value to it,  was more attributed to conceiving and less to ‘getting some’ or ‘confirming a relationship’ or ‘exclusivity’. It was. Just. No opinion. Both important in itself but no importance, urgency.

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT 2*; happy that I quit my job and happy that I quit drinking. It is only now that I am starting to see the advantages of it again. If I had not quit drinking I would have been all over the place with quitting my job and I would be resentful. Now I think: I went, I ‘lost’ and I took care of myself. There is no winning from a boss. That is why they are boss in the first place. And I had/have/did/do not want to put no energy into going after her. She is her issue. I have my own.

Ooh, I spent 50 Euro I should actually save for later on 4 books I really really want to have and hopefully they are on the boat now. I got ‘Synchronicity’ from Jung. ‘What is in the way is the way’ from Mary O’Maley on kicking a drug and alcohol habit and facing up what is real at that moment. And I got ‘My twin vanished. Did yours?’ from Brent Babcock – not because I expect it to be a very good book but an Amazon review said that he had issues with his sexuality because his sister had died and he had taken up the female energy. That is part of my experience too so I am very curious what he has written on that. Imagine if the internet was not here I would have never seen the whole book.

Ok, bed time, way past bed time. I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Thank you for reading this far into my musings. Hope I do not meet you as too strange to return here. 🙂

I wish you a beautiful, sober day! Ah, I have this thought that someone might need this. Maybe I myself, whatever, for me and for whoever needs it: part of the art of living is just starting over again. Shame (I am not good enough) and guilt (I did something wrong) can spur people on to do the right thing. That is what those emotions are for. They can also keep people away from their strength and thus keep them too weak to act upon it. Throw away what is not beneficial. Do not lie to yourself about either of them; not about the wanting to run away from these feelings and not about needing to get away from them. Lying to yourself only makes everything worse. Addiction, alcoholism is destructive, but falling for it does not make you a bad person; you are just taking the wrong way out. That’s all.

xx, Feeling


6 thoughts on “On returning to myself

  1. You have such deep thoughts.
    I try to check in. I still struggle a lot with understanding what my emotional state is, but I use colours and I have a good idea what the colour I feel represents.
    It sounds odd, but it works for me.

    The election is insane. But I am not American and I can on,hope that Trump listens to his decent side and acts with true love of his country and it’s people.

    It’s a bizarre works some days. I don’t understand it…but I know if I keep doing my part things will be ok.

    Hugs from Canada!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy,
      Yes, I can imagine that you are upset. I am upset ‘accross the pond’. I sort of hang onto the thought ‘If voting made any difference, it would be illegal’. Which haha (haha in a sad way) is fighting fear with sarcasm but I fear it IS true. Specifically in the USA where the 1 man-1 vote thing does not really really work (otherwise Clinton would be installed).
      Did you know that Clinton has actually worked with the media to get Trump in the spotlights because she expected him to be a candidate who was so ridiculous he would not be able to win anyhow? (Wikileaks). I am absolutely ‘against’ Trump if one can say that but do realise that Clinlin carries her own darkness too. She is pro Monsanto, pro not labeling GMO’s, pro forced vaccination (!), pro TTP and TTIP. Which luckily have been whiped of the table a few days ago.
      I am not sure if ‘letting go’ is the most logical approach to this. Fear is an emotion, it puts people into action. I actually hope this election is a wake-up call to the whole of the world. For me it helps me realise that I REALLY NEED to speed up my own ‘enlightenment’ if you will. I can only change the world if I change who I am. When realising that, and making things happen, I can let go because only then I can say “I did the best I could”. I am guessing this is how darkness becomes light. 🙂 But then again, this might be easy to say when living accross the pond. And on the other hand: the USA has been known for exporting their problems and wars to other countries. Wonder when Europe is coming up. The border issues with Russia in the Oekrain and the issues with Russia over Syria sometimes look to be part of a USA plan to destabelise Europe. Well, back to where I left: I can only change myself. Not anybody else. 🙂
      Sending many hugs and love,
      xx, Feeling


  2. Fellow Addict here. You are a very interesting person with a l lot of cool thoughts. I wish you the best of luck in recovery. Are you working a 12 step program or using your own spirituality? I liked when you talked about the part of yourself that is aware of your thoughts, I think that is the actual you.

    If you like Jung I think you should look for synchronicity in things. I try and maintain a critical approach to spirituality, but secretly I make crazy connections with all types of things and thats what keeps me clean partly.

    Liked by 1 person

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