Sooooo, that’s it…

Had my last working day today. Since I gave up my job I have been very much out of balance only finding it back slowly. I am very happy I quit. πŸ˜€ Quit drinking, quit my job. My blood pressure dropped 20 points today when walking out that door. πŸ™‚

No clue what to do next apart from a day at the spa tomorrow. I am actually expecting loneliness. We shall see.

I think I can now say that what worried me most about the job is that the demeaning attitude of my boss towards me made me not want to take care of me anymore. When asking myself: what would a woman who loves herself do? I would think that jumping of my flat (no, not going to) would be a suitable answer to that question. That is dangerous. It made me not want to care, not want to watch out where I was going.

Also it made me realise that only when I accept myself FULLY I can continue to live. There is always an amazing quality to darkness where it leads me to light. πŸ™‚ So I have been practising that and realising that I am far, far away but now I am more aware of it.

Along with this realisation I keep on thinking that in the line of ‘what we resist, persists’ the things I am learning come back to me until I have learned them. I have not dealt with addiction so now I am addicted to sugar and I have to deal there. I’m a little closer to home: addiction to sugar IS a lot safer than addiction to alcohol but still the seeds of not being at ease in my life, trying to hide, those have not been pulled out by the root. And I guess that is EXACTLY a contradiction; comfort and pulling out roots and all. But the funny thing about thinking this is that it equals my thinking about alcohol: I can never relax if I do not drink. While actually the drinking kept me from finding peace. Now the eating sugar keeps me from finding peace, and the not accepting myself too. And with both I have these thoughts, well not so much thoughts but blockages (?), more energetic blockages where it says “NO, IMPOSSIBLE! You can not change this!” Same voice told me that I could not stop drinking. “Jump of the building”; same voice. :-/

I am thinking of going back to drinkingΒ  green tea. I quit all types of black, green and white tea when I quit the 3 liters of diet coke a day. (Did I? Yes, I did. 😦 ). I never truely quit cola because whenever I hear a can being opened of any type of drink I have this ‘Ooooh, cola!!!!” reflex in my body. I am VERY happy I do not think ‘Oooh, beer!!!’ btw. I only stopped drinking cola, I never realised it was part of my addictive behaviour; spike up my mood during the day with cola, take it down in the evening with beer. And again, and again, and again… So why the green tea: health reasons. Green tea is cheap but it has a lot of anti-oxidants, I believe in a list of food stuff it is 3rd, soo….. 2 Cups a day keeps the doctor away. I do not like the taste anymore so I am thinking I will be doing the homeopathing solution to it: dilute it thoroughly. I am afraid though I put myself in danger of going back to black tea, cola and… Yeah, funny. But relapse does not start at drinking beer. It starts at not caring and crossing borders which should not be crossed. You know, I’m not going to do this.

Funny how taking 2 drops of homeopathic medicine or Bach remedies with alcohol in a glass of water do not upset me in the least and drinking green tea does. Aah, I guess it has to do with the connection, the association to addictive behaviour.

The saying goodbye at work was strange because the boss was there. A lot of people had already said how much they were going to miss me earlier so, well, there is that. πŸ™‚ Funny to think that it is important that people will miss me. πŸ™‚ Nice guy was strangely absent the whole day. People say he is going to miss me like crazy. He obviously does not. Pfff, I wish I was able to tell him how much I like him. 😦 Not sure if I am welcome. Everybody says I am but we keep on playing it ‘cool’ so I never know what or when or… And he is dating women but the way he deals with it is like ‘are you sure you want to do this?’. And he’s addicted to pot. (Gosh?! Do I see a similarity somewhere?) Well, he already quit gambling and drinking, sooooooo, so he should be no go. Guess I will be having enough to worry about in the near future. But I do not feel like worrying, it feels like the whole world has opened up to me again. I thought I would be afraid. I am not. Not currently. I feel like I can deal with the stuff coming up. Strange it is. Dealing would definitely be a new tool. πŸ˜‰

A woman who loves herself would sit up straight so she can breathe and go to bed because she is tired. She would also take time to set her mind to open up to the Halloween night or dias los muertos; worldwide, in all cultures there are celebrations on the opening of the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead around the 1st and 2nd of november. I am thinking that focussing on that might help me reconnect to some lost ones in my dreams even though I guess I still feel very much ashamed about my drinking towards my deceased mother. And then again: meeting my mother again would be a possibility to practice forgiving myself and accepting myself for who I am.

Addiction: a misunderstanding of the functionings of Life. Trying to hide, not feel and forget where opening up, feeling, accepting and dealing are due. 😦 I wish I had known. 😦 Well, I did, so what do I wish? I wish I had really realised the power of it? Aaah, I wish I had realised that the more I fell into the trap, the less I saw the trap. That is it. I knew the trap ‘before I stepped into it’. That sounds funny but with the first glass of alcohol I drank in early puberty I knew it would be getting me in trouble. I still find that a strange memory. It is significant but I can not see 1: how I could have known and 2: why I did not stop at that moment, what where the dynamics at play that I ignored such a strong and important warning? Don’t know. It will sort itself out some day.

For now: a woman who loves herself would have been in bed already.

I am freaking happy that I quit in a sort of tired, gheghe, possibly desperate way (Note to self: need to do more fun stuff!). Not all too sure I like this sober life right now but it is so much better than drinking AND this concept of learning to undo the layers of shit and pain and whatever I lay upon me and finally discovering my core and working towards acceptance of myself and appreciation; that is good. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

4 thoughts on “Sooooo, that’s it…

  1. Hi Feeling!
    We are waiting for doorbell to ring, and have been passing out candy to the cute little ones.
    I wore cat ears all day!
    You are getting ready for a new phase, and it will be good.
    You are right, that you will need to be sure you get out to keep from being lonely in this transition time.
    I hope you got some good sleep!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I LOVE that you’re going to the spa! You truly are a woman who loves herself, I think its amazing how you have grown throughout sobriety. Wishing you all the best for the next chapter πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You already sound brighter.
    Enjoy the spa. Try some different green teas. Some taste better than others.

    And consider that at the next job you need done social interaction. Loneliness is tough!


    Liked by 1 person

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