Dust settling and the function of dust

Came home from work today. Boss is on holiday for a week. This brings rest to the workplace but also a lot of disorganisation which, now I have my head cleared of my fear for her, becomes very obvious. It is irritating. Funny thing is that I immediately assume her role and start to organise the process. Not sure that I like this trait in me.

So, been a busy day, came home and I realised thatΒ  for me the work issue dust had settled. loneliness hit me like a, what, wrecking ball? So, is this what problems do for me?Β  “You take us away from the squalor of the real world”. I have, in my life, wondered about the function that stress has in my life. I really never do without so I wonder if I can. I, well, actually I think I am addicted to stress. Hmmm, that is as far as I would like to go now feeling/thinking wise. Ooh well, there is this: I think there is something in me which drives me to difficult situations where I recreate oppression and fighting. I think my usual recreation was fighting and losing and now I tried fighting and actually keeping my ground. NEW. πŸ™‚ When writing this it feels like it is connected to my birth pattern where I was stuck for a long time in the first clinical stage of delivery. And then actually retracted from this position (medically impossible they say, but it happened) turned from a face-up delivery position to a normal face down position and got propelled out in 3 consecutive contractions. I have not given birth but I would assume this is not a nice way to ‘break in’ a birth canal. 😦 The idea with the being stuck in the phase 1 (BPM 2) that is imprinted in the person is ‘no way out’. I feel I have that. Always. Only an act of extreme power, like threatening death and destruction can get me into motion (BPM 3)Β  So if I get stuck I suddenly do something drastic, a life or death thing, and I ‘walk free’.

This is how I quit drinking. It will sound overly dramatic, I am not in short supply when it comes to drama, but I actually thought there could be a possibility that I die from delirium tremens. Not sure if that is logical at all, somewhere on the net there is this sentence which says ‘DT typically blabablbabla with alcoholics who drink 6 pints or more a day’. So, it was obvious I was going to die. Did not. Or maybe I did and all this is purgatory, heaven or hell. Who knows. Drama. Living on it. Feeding on it.

My nice female colleague is having troubles with the not so nice female collegue. I don’t like the not so nice girl either but boss told us to get along so I do. And otherwise the workfloor gets really yucky. My nice collegue has been screwed over Big Time by the not so nice collegue. If I were not in the situation I am in I would have intervened. Also: the running gag is that the nice guy and I are in love and the not so nice girl is after the nice guy. So whatever I say about the not so nice girl is being picked up as jealousy. Sometimes it is: we work our ass of and she gets away with just showing hers. She is the one who hides in the corner in order to be invisible and therefore ‘make more hours’. 😦

Well, long boring story longer: my nice female colleague is pissed. And walking a very dark path where she is almost continuously angry for weeks now. Everything that happens adds to her being pissed. No matter what I say, not matter how and how long I listen to her and try to help her sort her emotions; she is hell-bent on anger. What an eye opener.

My therapist said that if I thought I should learn to live with the situation at work and be at peace with it I should let go of the feeling of righteousness I have about what the boss does. I get stuck on ‘she is wrong, she is wrong so I am right.’ I see my colleague doing that now and it really is an eye opener. πŸ™‚ I’m going to see if I can find an opening in her drama so she can let some steam off and maybe look at things in such a way that she does not have to go all destructive. Caution thought. Projections ahead. πŸ˜€

Above is what I wrote yesterday. Today, weekend day off I realise that I have been very much caught up in the boss-work-destruction drama for the last, what, 6 months? I noticed the last month that there were very few deep developments and very few NEW! statements in my blogs. Today I feel free again for the first time. OBVIOUSLY I need to put a damper on that freedom again by noticing how stupid I have been behaving ‘that I did not really see this before

Years ago I had a dream where I had born myself, so was pregnant and the baby was me too. πŸ™‚ The dream ended with a vision of me walking about as a toddler where I had little black and white blocks in my body and whenever I stumbled these blocks would unailing immediately and disturb me very much. Today I thought: THAT IS ME! I AM THAT! I lose my balance so easily and while I was thinking that I am a sissy and not worth living in this world I realised that this ‘skill’ actually is a skill. That I, because of the balance thingy I have known VERY WELL what is evil and what not, where my boss goes of track attacking and degrading me and where she is a boss giving what feels good and sustainable and what not; what will make me drink and what not. Again: feeling my way back into life. I still really like that name. Using what I am best and worse at to live. πŸ™‚

I wrote the above 20 minutes ago. Nah, I wish, I wrote it more than half an hour ago. In between I did useless things on Facebook which I can not even remember now. I need to get out of this addictive patterns. I’m going to clean the house. I will turn off the computer.

Add in: I once asked the ayahuasca spirit what I need to do with my life and she said; “The only thing you need to do is to become clear.” I took that as in: quit drinking. Then I quit drinking and I realised that I have an addictive personality so now I am trying to unraffle that. It is not going very quickly, gheghe, but the intent is there and I see light at the end of the tunnel ever so now and then. Which, gheghe, is so scary to me/the addict within (?) that I do step back in the dark quickly.

A woman who loves herself would step it up to really start making some differences in her life. This has been going on long enough. I am now free of worries weighing my down, I should use that freedom.

I am soooo happy that I quit. First: if I had not quit I would not be alive today. Not that I have been enjoying being alive very much lately but I do not think it is/was my goal to dieΒ  in the past years. And really, when all motivation fails me; the thought of having to do any of this over again in another reincarnation, pfff, no no no no no no NOOOOOO! πŸ™‚ Secondly: I feel that with quitting I opened a door which was always closed. Like described in the birth pattern: the ‘thought behind’ my life is a continuous experience of being stuck and oppressed and me having to fight my way out or die. Quitting made it possible for me to experience an opening in that darkness which was mild and caring, not dark and fighting. Even though I do remember quitting as a do or die decision which, by the way, made it almost extraordinary easy for me to quit = nice! How darkness leads to light. Hmmm. Don’t wanna think anymore. Need to do and forget, let go, relax. Not everything is war. I am becoming sick and tired of the darkness that I look for / is engrained / I look for / is engrained / I look for.

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

Learning to deal with stuff sober

The shouting match with my boss has been 5 days ago now and shit, I am still soooo tired. So is my boss, we laughed about it yesterday. Laughed? Yep. She is trying, I am trying. I think I trust her intentions, I am not sure I trust her when it comes to changing her behaviour because I know how difficult that is.

Much has happened since. My boss has turned nice to me and the others. It actually looks like she has adjusted her position in the world. Not sure. Today she asked the nice guy if he was going to shag his girlfriend this evening. Which… well… is not a very correct question to ask and possibly she has not learned about being correct but just about not being incorrect towards me. Not sure. Not my issue. Or possibly it is because she is setting the stage for incorrectness. Not sure if I need to worry because I should be getting out of there anyhow. I can not imagine that a queen bee can take is nicely if somebody sets boundaries to her behaviour.

How do I feel? I am sad. The whole company has been so sad and down that Monday and Tuesday we did not really move. I never realised that my being angry could have such a big impact. I’m not proud of how I handled myself. I have said so to my colleagues who replied with: Well, we saw it coming. It was inevitable. Sometimes the pressure gets too high and that is what happened.

Monday I thought: what changed is the illusion of boundlessness. She was living happily doing her incorrect thing and now she has boundaries, set by an underling. Important boundaries too because any of her comments to me could officially get her fired.

Tuesday the tension got so high I had to speak with a colleague to make sure I got taken care off correctly if I would go down. I have this ‘funny’ thing, it is a PTSD thingy where I faint, puke and poop (no, you did not want to know that…) at the same time while my body temp lowers but I sweat like crazy, even from my legs. And my heart goes wild or stops. It is this vegetative nerve system which goes haywire. Dangerous and very scary. 😦 It it preceded by an enormous tension and darkness building up from the inside. Like the whole of doomsday is taking place inside me. 😦 I used to have it when I got my period but it when I feel really really really under pressure the first symptoms show up. Trembling like crazy and shaking and my face goes funny and totally turns to disgust – I can not even control that.

Do I know what it is? No, no clue. I feel my vitality, my life is being threatened but I have no clue about the origin of it. There is a memory of smelly, very much unwashed penis present. So I guess, well, I guess what you guess. 😦 The additional info I get is that it goes back to very early in my life, I think before the age of 4. But it could also be something from inside the womb. My father has ‘informed’ us that he forced our mother to have sex with him so possibly that is what it refers too.

All this shit coming back because of the threat, because the IMMENSE anger I felt now changes my position in life and things that had to be hidden before pop up their head in order to be uncovered. I did my usual addict thing: I ate chocolate and Netflixed. I also had personal contact with people and phoned.

When I spoke with my colleague I was trembling and shaking all over, embarrassing. The strange thing is that this can happen anytime suddenly and then it can be ‘gone’ as suddenly as it popped up. I do not have the feeling that I go berserk anymore when this happens. I realise now how schizophrenic I am, well, I guess I would not be diagnosed schizophrenic but to know the darkness of the inside world which, well, from my opinion does not even stem from big child abuse but just from well, some shit happening, and then to live the utter lie of me joking around all day. I felt that pretty badly today. Specifically when I was jokingly translating songtexts ‘with or without you’ in a dialect saying ‘Men, can’t be with, can’t be without them’ my collegue, the nice guy, looked at me with such pity because he had realised that this is true for me. 😦 And he saw that I realised that he realised and this is when I lost my cool face and had no other option but to continue working. It is confusing to realise the enormous steps I make from the dark, hurt inside world to the joking, tough way I present myself to the outside. I never noticed that before.

I am thinking I can only realise this vulnerability now because I have found freedom in getting angry at somebody who harassed me. These dynamics, they are so strange.

Not sure if I noted it down before but while in our bitching session she shouted something like “How do you think I would survive ruling this bunch of rough guys if I did not throw in the occasional sex joke?” It felt as if she was as trapped in her thought system as I was trapped in treatment of me.

I have been all over the place but the dust is slowly settling. I was going to say: “I am amazed at how quickly I ‘recover’ from this.” but I now, again, feel how very very tired I am.Β  I wish life was easier. I should not be putting my energy in the things which go wrong, I should be putting my energy in the things that go right. πŸ™‚ Like being happy that I quit. It is only now that I start to realise how much difference it makes to not drink during an ordeal like this. My boss came to work looking like a train had hit her. Well, that would have been me :-(. Not proud when I see that. She is 10 years younger. Ooh, that was one of the thing she shouted at me: “But for gods sake you are older than I am! How can I be intimidating?!!!!” She meant that. She does not / did not understand. My therapist says that this is exactly her issue: she does not want to accept the distance and the restrictions of being a boss and she does not understand how that works. 😦

Well, easy for me to say. 😦 I have been boss and I did not want to understand that either.

All in all: I am happy that I quit. I feel self-destruction rising up on me and the darkness of the powers that conjure up an internal doomsday are big. But I have also learned to not meet the train head-on. Bwaaahahaha, I only do that with other people currently…. bwaaahahahaaa. Ghegheghe. Not funny :-(. Well. There is darkness. And it wants me to push the self-destruct button and I sometimes get lost and sometimes I can see ‘Ooh, well, this is how it works. I feel under pressure and get the feeling that I am not allowed to live. That is a pattern.’ It is. 😦 Maybe because in my shouting match I cut myself free I have learned that I am not locked up. I CAN walk out if I need to. Again, it would be running away but obviously something in my system needs that or sees that as the only solution. Cutting off ties. There is another pattern I need to learn to ‘break’ / do differently. Don’t want to leave again and again.

Today I had this thought: ‘I always have the idea I have to leave. I never have the idea I need to go somewhere.’ Whenever I run in dreams I run away from something, I never run towards safety. In my dreams there is no safety. I have been dreaming a lot these days. I sleep differently too. Maybe because I changed my good night tea but I am guessing because of what happened.

Well, I am happy that I quit. Can not imagine the mess I would be in if I had been drinking. And the headache, aaahrg… yuck. πŸ™‚ Not there!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would make some food and sit outside in the end of summer sun. So, I’m off. πŸ™‚ Wishing you a very nice day/evening/night.

There is not a problem that does not get worse with drinking. πŸ™‚ Hope i got the worst/worst/worse good. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Long story short: Today I quit my job…. and got it back again.. (?)

Well, that about sums it up. In between there was an hour of yelling from me to my boss and my boss to me. I was fed up and got so so very fucking angry, there was no stopping. There were several points where I could have made a, well, possibly wiser, or more mature decision but I was so fed up that I did not want to do that.

What went down: there was a crisis in the place today. We were halfway through the day when somebody noticed that the shipping plan we fulfilling was not synchronised with the production plan of the day and not with the packaging plan. Normally these are all the same so that we produce, pack and label what we need to ship. Logical. Today somebody made a tiny but mistake with a big result and handed out the wrong shipping list so we had an unexplained huge shortage in one product and an immense overproduction in the other. It was only at noon (after 4 working hours) that somebody realised what had happened. Obviously the boss was very much stressed out because we work with fresh produce with a limited expiration date and the ordering of raw product is also according to the production list. Right before the weekend one does not ‘stock extra’ expirable stuff so it the shit hits the fan, it hits real hard.

Due to the constant issues and difficulties we were having the packaging team I work in was losing its interest and slowing down dramatically. I was thinking: ‘If we want to get out of this shit as good as we can AND still do the extra work which will be coming up later we really really need to get out of this mode.’ So I started joking around a little to change the atmosphere and at some point we got the spirit back and had a packing contest in who was the quickest. This was HILARIOUS. So we were having fun and working our ass of when the boss walks in and without pause says to me and me only: “YOU! SHUT UP AND WORK!!!”

I could not deal. I could not let it ‘slide off’. She walked off and so did I. Got into my civies and just when I was about to walk out she noticed and asked me where I was going. I said “I’m off.”

“What?! Why!!!!!!?!!!!”

“Because I have had enough of you and the way you treat me.”

“If you walk out now you do not have to come back on Monday!”

“Well, there is that settled than.” (pissed off, decisive, and I walked off)




“Yes.” (affirmative)

I was already unlocking my bike when she yelled after me “Give me back the uniform!” which I had, out of habit, put in my bag to wash at home. So I walked back, heavy chain lock in my hand, thought I should leave that outside because I did not want to look like I was threatening somebody, walked in and put my gear on the table and walked back to the exit. She asked: “So you are not coming back this Monday?”



These dynamics, they are really strange. I had just quit and when I walked over I was wondering why I was doing what she ‘asked’.

So I typed that I resigned my job because I was ‘fed up with the demeaning behaviour of my boss.’ Literally. She got confused then required that I signed that. Wonder why. Guess she was trying to see how far I would carry this. Well, don’t ever dare the Don Quichotte in me :-/. I am not proud on how at that moment this is not a decision anymore, it is a biggest dickest contest. 😦 Well, I was done.

She mellowed down and required me to sign the paper which I was going to do so I followed her to the office. She required a talk which became a shouting match within 1 second. For those who do not know me: not ever in my life have I gotten myself into a fight with any partner I have lived with, not ever have I shouted as somebody untill I came to work here. I have always pre-emptively (is that a word?) made sure that people I had to work with could speak about any grudge they have/had with me by inviting them to speak out. Obviously something changed. I guess now I do not drink anymore I need to learn to deal. There is no way out anymore. Not sure if this whole thing was another way of self destructing or actually standing up for myself, in an extreme way.

We spoke, yelled. I told her I found behaviour sexually intimidating. She told me that the guys say worse sexual things to and about me behind my back (nice touch that last bit, she has done that before to make me feel unsure). I yelled at here that anything between me and the guys is horizontal, not vertical in the chain of command so that leaves it up to me to say back WHATEVER I like. I listed the things she has said to me and at first she denied, and I do think she really did not remember, but that only made me angrier and yell harder. Ghegheghe, this is so weird to look back upon. Wonder what you think when reading this. Wonder what I will think when reading this when the adrenaline is finally out of my body. It has been 7 hours since, my heartbeat is still unstable.

She kept on denying things and saying that I should have said so before and finally; “You are such a strong woman, why do I hear about this now, and not when it happened?” It was not a question, she was complimenting and then blaming me. So I told yelled that I was sick of these demeaning way of asking questions and that this is EXACTLY how intimidation works.

“Why did you not SAY anything?!!!!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!”

“But WHY did you not say anything?!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!!!! That is what happens when you call somebody a whore, when you ask after their first sexual experience at the first workday, when you speak about my privates calling them a wet mussel.”



“But this is a horizontal organisation, I am not above somebody? You can tell me anything?!”

I did not give a reply to that. I had told her before that she is the boss. Funny how I hold back there. My therapist says that this is exactly her problem: she does not want to be ‘the boss’. Oooh, she actually literally said that;Β  “I am no boss.” She started crying over that. That was strange. It was actually really strange how I felt sorry for her at that moment. She told me about her worries for the company and for some of the employees having problems with their taxes or residence permit and how she helps them after work. Her notion is soooo out of reality. Like I’m going to fire her when she does not perform or sexually intimidates me. Pfffff…. As I said, my therapist says this is the heart of her problem where she does not want to be boss. I realised that I from the beginning have done a nasty thing and that is excluding her. Showing very much that she is not ‘in-crowd’. I did not realise that I did that but I do. Nasty revenge. I am not proud of that.

It is getting late and my heart is tired, I need to sleep. We ended up coming to an agreement that I can, at any time I think she is demeaning or intimidating stop the conversation and point that out to her. I never thought I could return in my steps but I believe this can work and that it is EXACTLY what I need to learn anyhow and hahaha, I might be her karma too. Ghegheghe. Dunno. Time will learn if we can keep this up.

For the record: she kept on saying that she did not order me to leave which I kept replying that I can very well leave on my own accord (MG, what a drama) and then she changed to that she did not want me to leave. That was strange. She said she likes me in the team, she say the guys like me in the team. At some point she also said that if the guys did not like me so much and did not appreciate the amount of work I do in a day she would have chucked me out long before. I forgot why. She thinks I fit in very well with the weird bunch of people who work there (yes, almost everybody is weird, true). She said the only issue she has with me is that I chatter too much and sometimes lose focus with counting and doing stuff. I do chatter, I don’t think she is irritated by the chatter as much as she is irritated by me doing that. And well, yes, I don’t drink, I don’t have a life and unlike her I am not on a diet so I am awake in the early morning.

We said goodbye, argued like cats and dogs again and finally hugged. Yes! And that was good. πŸ™‚ How strange? Strange. I said goodbye to my colleagues and ‘See you on Monday.’ Everybody seemed very relieved that I come back. :-/

I realise that I can only pull this off once. I believe her when she says she wants to learn. I also expect/think to know that in practice that will be difficult and different since this destructive behaviour is so engrained in her daily routine. She told me she actually believes this is how people in our line of work speak with each other. But I believed her intention. It is my intention to speak up and not flare up again. I must try to keep more level-headed. Whenever anything happens at work I feel like I am in my worst drunk PMS sugar high mode ever. Does anybody have that too?

Well, my nice colleague had gone back to my bike to lock it with the chain. Sweet. πŸ™‚ I asked him to advise me on what to do, stay or leave. He gave me exactly the advice which made me flare up even more so that did not work. πŸ™‚

3 Hours after I left she called to check up on me. She told me that she had spoken with the guys and told them what had come to pass and what my issues with her were. Not sure if I would appreciate if they say I think she is intimidating. We shall see. She was worried that I would worry the whole weekend. I do not think so. I had uncoupled (is that the right word?) so thoroughly that I would not fall for pretend nicety anymore so I would not have hugged if I did not think it was sincere. So, I guess I am ok-ish. Not proud of my anger flaring up. Very aware though of how necessary it is/was. Timing is nasty. I did tell her that I am aware that my timing for walking out sucked.

So, all that I did. What I did NOT do, and only found out later is that I did NOT tell her that I thought she tried to poison me with the alcohol. I did not tell her so because I did not want to let her see how vulnerable I was / am there. So yeah. :-/ First I though this was a bad thing, to let stuff untold when saying that you are saying everything. Now I think it is ok-ishlike. Well, actually, well, not sure.

There was a work-friend of my boss at the workplace when I unleashed. When I finally tore up my resignation letter she dropped her head on her laptop and said ‘Thank god!’ Not sure what it would be to her. It was strange. Boring detail. I only note this down for later reference.

My boss goes on holiday in a week. I had forgotten about that. When she started crying she also outed that she just wanted rest and rest and rest and wanted to go on holiday. I really felt for her there and then. Then again: I helped pay for it for putting 130% of work in an hour which she never seems to appreciate. Which I told her. Pffff. Sigh. Need to get this of my chest more than it is now because my heart is still fluttering. Could be from the halloumi cheese too. It was on sale so I have been eating that for 4 days now. Not that you are interested :-D.

One thing I do not understand is how she cried out in despair; “But you are older than I am?! How can you not say stuff?!” It is only now that I realise this. Funny in a not funny way. She really does not realise that she is the boss. Age does not matter there for me. Well, complicated, unless I follow my intentions. So, well, we will see. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would: not eat too much chocolate because her heart is already troubled. She would call her therapist to sort things out. She would call friends and speak with them. She would make tea for herself. She would write. And she would make very very sure not to self destruct. The last bit is still a bit difficult. My thoughts want to run to ‘You see; you are stupid! She has every right to be destructive’. Ooh, it is hard to write this down because part of me wants to believe it because it is my old track. I counter that thought with: she might like it to destruct but I do not like it to be subject of that so I WILL leave if she does that again.

By the way: when she realised that she had been calling me names and saying inappropriate stuff she was astonished and said she would take it up with her management to make sure this did not go unnoticed. I believe her intention. Not sure if she is going to fill it in.

Well, I am still a bit flabbergasted but ok-ish with what I did. Let’s see how tomorrow looks.

Hahah, hope you had a better workday than I did :-D. Wishing you a good sober weekend where you are happy that you quit. πŸ™‚ I am happy that I quit but I feel like I am in the zone where I need to take care. I am afraid that the reminder of the alcohol taste in the cake of last week is part of that deal. Maybe I should set up an account for my alcohol desensitization course again. Yes. I will.

Today I wondered who I would call with my emergency call, I had been crying and could not see what I typed on the phone. When I put on my glasses I read ‘AA’. πŸ™‚ Well, maybe that is a thought. Obviously somebody there will know how to deal with anger.

xx, Feeling.

Addition: Bwaahahaha, ‘Happy that I quit’ well, yes, that did only now hit home. Bwaahahahaaa. Arrrrr, ooh, control, looking for some.