Rehab

So, singing lessons…. Guess what we got the first lesson? Ghegheghe…. Yes; Rehab… This is so, so, so dunno, strange? Of all the songes in the world. 🙂 Obviously the frequency of addiction is still strong in my life.

Further: I decided to quit over the work issue of last Friday where my boss treated me like shit again, made fun of the arrangement we had in which she promised not to be demeaning. Obviously, being her she made fun in a demeaning way. I’m out. Can’t deal anymore. And I do not want to deal with it anymore. I could not stand the idea that I would possibly be there another 2 months. However, she’s on holiday again so I will be quitting by e-mail this Friday the 30th. My letter will include that I do not want to leave but have to because her treatment of me is bad for me. I am as for now, planning to send out the documented story to HR after I leave.

Nice guy asked how I was doing. I said I was going to quit. He changed colour and then spoke with his colleagues immediately. Not sure this is what I would have wanted but it was out in seconds. He seemed very upset, could not stabilize his emotions. The not nice guy then replied; “Well, there’s 10 others who can replace you.” Which was countered by the nice guy as: “Yes, that is the problem, that means 9 extra salaries.” Others agreed. So I guess, if I want a certificate I can get it from them. 🙂

So, not sure what the future will bring. And notwithstanding all the nice sentiments from my colleagues, I feel very lonely. Again I am leaving. I always seem to be leaving, never arriving. It is like in my dreams where everybody has somebody but I always walk alone. Disconnected. Typical addict trait.

I am however… very happy that I quit. I would be in shambles if I had not.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Aah, she would clean the mess in the house because hiding in the mess is keeping my thinking from clearing up.

On chocolate: I did not manage to stay chocolate free. Then I thought; I can have half a bar (50 grams) each weekend day. Then Monday happened and I did not manage to stay away from another half and now it is Tuesday and I am trying to forget this whole quitting thing ever happened but still quite content with ‘only’ half a bar. I notice that half a bar does not throw me off my game as much as a full bar. It is nice to actually immediately notice the difference. Which makes me happy that I quit otherwise I would not have noticed this. That is the only progress. Otherwise it is just a repetition of quitting drinking. Trying to moderate, moderation not working, feeling bad, using more because of feeling bad etcetera etcetera. We have all been there. Or are still. Damn that was nasty. Yuck. Not good for the soul. Or the body.

I am sooo happy that I quit. 🙂 My life is not well, manageable? Would that be the word? Not sure. Not sure if I just had bad luck with the boss or that I am accountable for the mess. I have no clue. I still tend to think: if she is nasty towards me, I must be somehow wrong. Have been all my life so why not now? But no matter if it is me or the boss, our relation is destructive and like booze, I need to quit otherwise my blood pressure will sear to heights which make my blood vessels pop. Don’t want that. A friend asked me what kept me in that place. I commented that I think there is a learning experience in standing up against the bullying. She asked: can you change your need for a learning experience from ‘need to deal with negativity’ to ‘I would like to be able to look for positivity’? Woah! That would be a NEW concept. It is so new that I can not comprehend it yet. A place where I would be accepted and appreciated. That would be nice. I guess that whole concept can only exist when it is starting to exist within me. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Hope I can work this issue out. I want to belong somewhere in they way that I am. Not be cast out or hurt when I am me. Patterns and repeating karma patterns. Not sure how to deal. Well, time will tell.

Wishing you a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling