The shouting match with my boss has been 5 days ago now and shit, I am still soooo tired. So is my boss, we laughed about it yesterday. Laughed? Yep. She is trying, I am trying. I think I trust her intentions, I am not sure I trust her when it comes to changing her behaviour because I know how difficult that is.
Much has happened since. My boss has turned nice to me and the others. It actually looks like she has adjusted her position in the world. Not sure. Today she asked the nice guy if he was going to shag his girlfriend this evening. Which… well… is not a very correct question to ask and possibly she has not learned about being correct but just about not being incorrect towards me. Not sure. Not my issue. Or possibly it is because she is setting the stage for incorrectness. Not sure if I need to worry because I should be getting out of there anyhow. I can not imagine that a queen bee can take is nicely if somebody sets boundaries to her behaviour.
How do I feel? I am sad. The whole company has been so sad and down that Monday and Tuesday we did not really move. I never realised that my being angry could have such a big impact. I’m not proud of how I handled myself. I have said so to my colleagues who replied with: Well, we saw it coming. It was inevitable. Sometimes the pressure gets too high and that is what happened.
Monday I thought: what changed is the illusion of boundlessness. She was living happily doing her incorrect thing and now she has boundaries, set by an underling. Important boundaries too because any of her comments to me could officially get her fired.
Tuesday the tension got so high I had to speak with a colleague to make sure I got taken care off correctly if I would go down. I have this ‘funny’ thing, it is a PTSD thingy where I faint, puke and poop (no, you did not want to know that…) at the same time while my body temp lowers but I sweat like crazy, even from my legs. And my heart goes wild or stops. It is this vegetative nerve system which goes haywire. Dangerous and very scary. 😦 It it preceded by an enormous tension and darkness building up from the inside. Like the whole of doomsday is taking place inside me. 😦 I used to have it when I got my period but it when I feel really really really under pressure the first symptoms show up. Trembling like crazy and shaking and my face goes funny and totally turns to disgust – I can not even control that.
Do I know what it is? No, no clue. I feel my vitality, my life is being threatened but I have no clue about the origin of it. There is a memory of smelly, very much unwashed penis present. So I guess, well, I guess what you guess. 😦 The additional info I get is that it goes back to very early in my life, I think before the age of 4. But it could also be something from inside the womb. My father has ‘informed’ us that he forced our mother to have sex with him so possibly that is what it refers too.
All this shit coming back because of the threat, because the IMMENSE anger I felt now changes my position in life and things that had to be hidden before pop up their head in order to be uncovered. I did my usual addict thing: I ate chocolate and Netflixed. I also had personal contact with people and phoned.
When I spoke with my colleague I was trembling and shaking all over, embarrassing. The strange thing is that this can happen anytime suddenly and then it can be ‘gone’ as suddenly as it popped up. I do not have the feeling that I go berserk anymore when this happens. I realise now how schizophrenic I am, well, I guess I would not be diagnosed schizophrenic but to know the darkness of the inside world which, well, from my opinion does not even stem from big child abuse but just from well, some shit happening, and then to live the utter lie of me joking around all day. I felt that pretty badly today. Specifically when I was jokingly translating songtexts ‘with or without you’ in a dialect saying ‘Men, can’t be with, can’t be without them’ my collegue, the nice guy, looked at me with such pity because he had realised that this is true for me. 😦 And he saw that I realised that he realised and this is when I lost my cool face and had no other option but to continue working. It is confusing to realise the enormous steps I make from the dark, hurt inside world to the joking, tough way I present myself to the outside. I never noticed that before.
I am thinking I can only realise this vulnerability now because I have found freedom in getting angry at somebody who harassed me. These dynamics, they are so strange.
Not sure if I noted it down before but while in our bitching session she shouted something like “How do you think I would survive ruling this bunch of rough guys if I did not throw in the occasional sex joke?” It felt as if she was as trapped in her thought system as I was trapped in treatment of me.
I have been all over the place but the dust is slowly settling. I was going to say: “I am amazed at how quickly I ‘recover’ from this.” but I now, again, feel how very very tired I am. I wish life was easier. I should not be putting my energy in the things which go wrong, I should be putting my energy in the things that go right. 🙂 Like being happy that I quit. It is only now that I start to realise how much difference it makes to not drink during an ordeal like this. My boss came to work looking like a train had hit her. Well, that would have been me :-(. Not proud when I see that. She is 10 years younger. Ooh, that was one of the thing she shouted at me: “But for gods sake you are older than I am! How can I be intimidating?!!!!” She meant that. She does not / did not understand. My therapist says that this is exactly her issue: she does not want to accept the distance and the restrictions of being a boss and she does not understand how that works. 😦
Well, easy for me to say. 😦 I have been boss and I did not want to understand that either.
All in all: I am happy that I quit. I feel self-destruction rising up on me and the darkness of the powers that conjure up an internal doomsday are big. But I have also learned to not meet the train head-on. Bwaaahahaha, I only do that with other people currently…. bwaaahahahaaa. Ghegheghe. Not funny :-(. Well. There is darkness. And it wants me to push the self-destruct button and I sometimes get lost and sometimes I can see ‘Ooh, well, this is how it works. I feel under pressure and get the feeling that I am not allowed to live. That is a pattern.’ It is. 😦 Maybe because in my shouting match I cut myself free I have learned that I am not locked up. I CAN walk out if I need to. Again, it would be running away but obviously something in my system needs that or sees that as the only solution. Cutting off ties. There is another pattern I need to learn to ‘break’ / do differently. Don’t want to leave again and again.
Today I had this thought: ‘I always have the idea I have to leave. I never have the idea I need to go somewhere.’ Whenever I run in dreams I run away from something, I never run towards safety. In my dreams there is no safety. I have been dreaming a lot these days. I sleep differently too. Maybe because I changed my good night tea but I am guessing because of what happened.
Well, I am happy that I quit. Can not imagine the mess I would be in if I had been drinking. And the headache, aaahrg… yuck. 🙂 Not there!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
What would a woman who loves herself do? She would make some food and sit outside in the end of summer sun. So, I’m off. 🙂 Wishing you a very nice day/evening/night.
There is not a problem that does not get worse with drinking. 🙂 Hope i got the worst/worst/worse good. 🙂